


PUNISHMENT

by jinyoungsmeat



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Assassination, Assassins & Hitmen, Brutal, Eventual Romance, Hot Sex, Jinyoung is a fucking psychologist ma'am, M/M, Oral Sex, School gunshot, Shooting Guns, Triggers, Yugyeom is fucked up, bambam loves jinyoung so much, everyone ends dead here, how is caim??, i'm not good at this sorry, jaebeom is a cute piece, tattoo|jinyoung, tatto|yugyeom, this have so many deaths
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2020-02-07 06:26:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 89,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18614995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinyoungsmeat/pseuds/jinyoungsmeat
Summary: After twenty-three student’s death in Yongsan International School, a psychology class from the third semester made a test to help the traumatized kids.The proposal should be a good experiment for everyone — but no one expected to find, while questions have been asked and false smiles were given, lunatic hiding among the victims.





	1. I N T R O

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. It seems like an eternity I've published something, but it's only been... a month hahahaha.  
> I have been saving this fanfic for a long, I have rewritten several times and haven't finished writing, but something has made me publish what I already have. It is a story based on shootings in schools because it is a really necessary theme to be discussed, to be thought... To be stopped. Nothing here has been written to slander any of the names quoted, whether famous or not. It was also not written to encourage acts like this, but because of a moment of reflection on the various situations and motives that lead more and more teenagers and young adults to practice horrible acts. 
> 
> In case you get uncomfortable, I ask you to stop reading, don't make yourself feel bad just to get to the end of a story, okay? I hope with all my heart that the human being changes his way of acting so that fewer possibilities as fictions become reality. 
> 
> And... oh, eng isn't my 1st language, so I'm sorry for my grammar mistakes hehehe.
> 
> Thank you.

The media death percentage says that school shootings were becoming more and more _normal_. In addition to this, maybe normal are a strong word to be used in such cruel reality, but it was the only truth.

It was normal to hear about snipers in the United States school hallway, and it was even more normal and comforting to thank for not being in that situation. Unfortunately, that was the truth: young people from all countries heard the news about the attacks on TV thought, while they pray for God for never having gone through something like that.

Among these was a young Kim Yu Gyeom, who was one of the thankful to be home safely while his 'classmates' had massacred children and teenagers.

And the truth is that he thanks God for a long time, until the day he found himself running under an old table — where his beneath prayed for his fragile life mixed with the astonishing normalcy of the shots and bodies lying on the ground.

❖

After twenty-three student’s death in Yongsan International School, a psychology class from the third semester made a test to help the traumatized kids.

The proposal should be a good experiment for everyone — but no one expected to find, while questions were been asked and false smiles were given, lunatic hiding among the victims.


	2. Z E R O

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That’s how it happened.
> 
> It how my death happened, with no good memories to carry in payment, no sweaty hands, red teary eyes, no calls and words left behind to my parents. Nothing.
> 
> That's how I died.
> 
> With nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was very pleased to see all the comments that I received from some readers of my other projects and people who received an indication, it made me a much happier person this week... It was the best birthday present, so I decided to publish before what I expected to thank you all and see what you think of chapter zero.
> 
> Before reading, I wanted to say that all chapters are based on acts, like in a theater piece. And they're all based on famous phrases. I will be making available on Tumblr - soon, I think hahaha - the sequences of the acts and opening sentences. I really hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Let me know your opinions, I promise to do my best. Thank you and good reading!

  
  
  
  
  
I love the sweet, rude, and express smell of murder.  
It's the only way I have to remember that I'm still alive.

— dr. Michael Swango.  

The music in the cafeteria echoed through my ears while I trying to finish my exercise that — as usual — I hadn’t even touch until a few moments ago, when Sanha ask me to give him some answers.

So if it weren’t for Yoon Sanha and his terrible lazy ass, I wouldn’t have given up to go to the gym with the football team and wouldn’t have received _that_ look from my best friend for not be interested in studies stuff.

I mean… It was everyone's last week of the first semester, in a few days we would be on holydays — some people would be back in their countries — and yet I needed to finish my algebra homework if I didn't want to fail for two miserable points.

And that's how I ended up in the cafeteria that day, because of my fucking algebra homework. So I spent half my time with my face buried in the notebook, mind focused on the biquadratic homework while my ears were listening to the song echoing from the speakers, people chatting around me.

In Bambam, my best friend, chatting with Sanha about how his table partner — that he finds handsome, athletic and funny — Shin Taeyang had been smart and charming in their foreign literature class just because of a discussion about Marcel Proust’s book with mr. Lee.

So it was because of my algebra homework, because the song, the parallel conversations, Bambam’s unbridled voice, Sanha’s acute laughter in my mind focused on the wrong things that I didn’t hear the piece that now seemed to have been played all that day.

When I realized the music didn't echo in my ears anymore, the parallel talk had dissipated in the air as if they had never existed, Bambam’s rough and peculiarity voice was already lost in his throat and all that framed the following scenes was my algebra homework slowly falling on the ground, the cries, the high steps echoing from the hallway, the chairs falling and the director voice tall us to go under the tables emanating out of the speakers.

At that moment, while his voice laden with fear echoed in our ears, I also heard the sound of my heart riding in my chest in deep despair, and then… shots.

We were under the tables, our breaths were desperate and out of rhythm, as if we all ran a joint marathon. Suddenly, as if it were some involuntary command produced by our minds in dread, our hands were hunting their phones in their pockets. I mean, not mine.

I was calm, quiet and peaceful.

Unlike the others who were typing — their possible last words — I wasn't doing anything. I didn't have my phone in my hand, I wasn't calling for my mother or my father, I wasn't crying while I was repeating a fucking mantra about loving my family or begging them to send the cops.

I was just under the table like everyone else, confused, cold, desperate for something to come to my mind and lead me to have the same behavior as everyone.

And I wanted to be able to remember my mother's number to call her and tell that I love her and that I was sorry for giving her so much trouble.

I wanted to send a message to Jaebum, apologizing for breaking his paintings and blaming his cat Nora. I wish I had the opportunity to tell Jeon Jungkook that I hated him for leave Bambam and me when he met Park Jimin, I also wanted to say that he’s stupid for never giving Taehyung a chance.

And to Chou Tzuyu, I wanted to tell her that I love her even if she didn't love me back, but that I was hoping to get over her someday.

The truth is that I wanted to be having any emotions because that way I could admit to myself that it was happening, that my best friend was beside me under the table with red and teary eyes.

I could admit just one thing… we were going to die.

Someone told me that when we're dying our lives pumper like flashes in our heads, that all the good memories come back so that we have something to hold on, that we're filled with the feeling that we've been loved.

They said it was the same for everyone, but it wasn't like that for me.

I hadn’t flashed of memories, I didn’t have anything come back to comfort me. I had nothing.

I had no remnants that one day I was alive and met people who loved me to accompany my dead soul to the underworld as Ferryman’s payment.

Nothing. Just the emptiness.

Only the slow sounds of my heart.

The shots.

That’s how it happened.

It how my death happened, with no good memories to carry in payment, no sweaty hands, red teary eyes, no calls and words left behind to my parents.

Nothing.

That's how I died.

With nothing.

 


	3. O N E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It's funny how I can still feel him with me, it's like I've just seen him walk past me in the hallways as if I could still hear him screaming ‘Kim Yugyeom, don't you have another t-shirt to use? Doesn’t your mother give you money enough to buy another one kiddo?!’” I imitate him, making some people laugh. I sigh: “What I mean is that he was my friend. I still love him as if he were my older brother, still think about calling and talk about the girl I like. I still want to run in the park as we did every day to see the tree that mr. Choi forced us to plant because it reminds me of something he always says ‘apples' tree give apples Yugyeomie, and we're going to sell these damn apples and we're going to make some money’ kiddo.’” I smile, hearing a mother call for her son, who was taken by the ferryman's death with no chance of coming back to her. “I miss Taehyung. I miss him a lot… he deserves more. I'm sorry that I didn’t have the chance to save him. I really am”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking too much because I didn't know if my writing was good... but after so many incentives and good comments I decided to stop putting so much pressure on my shoulders and just do what I always ask you guys to do "have fun" and I have to follow my own advice, right? So I'll think less and have more fun...
> 
> I hope you're enjoying it.

I'm the coldest son of a bitch you'll ever find.  
I just wanted to kill, I wanted to kill.  
— Ted Bundy 

 **ON JUNE 18, 2016** Yongsan International School became one of the  
most notable cases of school shootings in Seoul. After an exhausting investigation,  
authorities informed that the shooter, Kim Hansol (17 years), had the same profile as  
the three teenagers arrested after starting a violent hunt against their classmates with  
firearms last month. The boy, who was _“going through a bad time_ " according to nearby  
sources, was killed by the cops. Today our community and country  
are grieving for twenty-three students killed this Monday...”

June 20, 2016 — article by **Goo Han-Eul**. 

I've never been to a funeral.

My mother said that even when I was little — when she could control me with a single look — I hated funerals.

And she said that I didn't use to cry when people in our family pass away, that I didn't go to their funerals or give condolences like normal people usually do — that I deal _well_ with death.

 _Yeah_. I never cried because of someone’s death.

And she also told me that if I didn't want to, we don’t need to go to the cemetery as everyone else would in that rainy afternoon, that I didn't have to pay any condolences to people who had been left behind after everything that had happened in Yongsan.

And I really wanted to stay home, to pick my headphones, put some loud music and go down to the garage and work on my bike and forget that some of my class friends would be buried that afternoon and that some of them, like Taehyung, were more than just _people being buried_ for me. But at the same time, I couldn’t stay at home, couldn’t pretend that those people weren’t dead because a crazy guy had torn their existence from Earth just like that.

I just couldn’t continue with my weird behavior.

I had to do that, go to the funeral and prove to myself that all that emptiness feeling was from grief. _Grief_ … right?

When the cops arrived at Yongsan that day — when Kim Hansol was shot down from the world in the same violent way that he had killed twenty-three people — all I could think was: ' _huh, I didn't die. I didn’t leave this world without memories or without beautiful words typed in social media like all my classmates. I didn’t die like Taehyung and that should mean something right?_ _Something good'._ That's what I thought.

And my friends — including Bambam — who was a few feet away from me thought at that moment ' _why he's so calm? Why hasn't he called his parents, why he isn’t crying like the rest of us? Why doesn't he seem scary by everything that just happened?'_

I don't know, but somehow I have the same thoughts.

_Why?_

It’s just… when I followed Bambam — just because we were being pushed by the cops — and rubbed my hands on my neck I felt like a fool for being so empty because I didn't feel anything about that shit that happens to us.

And I really don’t know why I just think that something inside me broken that day. Not because I was alive while good people were dead, but because the emptiness inside me was extremely comforting.

When I told my mother about how I felt — during and after the shooting — she says: “ _ah Yugyeomie, this is so normal. You were in shock honey_ ”. She also said that each person reacted in a different way and that at some moment I would feel what had happened to me. So I believed her because _mom's always right_.

Days passed and I hoped that mom was really right about that thing, I waited for nightmares, tears and desperate sobs for some unusual reason… I waited for something less similar to _joy_. Happiness.

But nothing happened.

My mother was, for the first time in almost twenty years, wrong about something. I haven’t felt less empty or less happy, I haven’t missed the numbness feeling rubbing my body.

I just feel… _torpor_.

— ❖ —

“ _We are here today to say goodbye to our beloveds that have been taking from us, we’re here to honor them, so that their souls may enter heaven with the lightness of our prayers and their families could know that wherever their children are in God’s arms…”_

Some families hadn’t buried their children in crates of wood on the cold ground, these had cremated their bodies in ancient traditions. Some hadn’t even seen their children, who were lying on cold stretchers in the hospital. They gave the excuse that they couldn't be seeing them like that.

Five families had done a collective funeral because their children were friends since they were very young.

Taehyung's family was doing a catholic funeral.

One day Taehyung said he'd be the one to bring me new experiences. Unlike my mother, he was right. His death took me to a cemetery for the first time in my whole life.

Unlike the twenty-two people who had been killed, Kim Taehyung was my friend. I met him when Bambam had to go back to Thailand for a few months and all my other friends decided to stay busy — it was around the same time that Lisa decided to break up with me and ruin all our colorful friendship fun. It was a year ago.

In life, he was the first Yongsan’s student to get a big role in an important theater company. He was also first to ignore all my advice when he decided to call Jeon Jungkook to go out with him in date — but wasn’t the first to get a very loud no.

In the midst of his first place, he was the one who beat Yu Sangdo to defend someone he didn't even know. _Oh_ … and he was the first to win the third-year challenge for walking naked in the Han river on a rainy day.

Kim Taehyung was the first to fill me with simplicity.

He made me laugh, helped me with my algebra lesson and was the first to find out about the material I was accumulating from studies for suneung1. Just as he was the first to mock me when I told what had really happened between Lalisa Manoban and me.

He also was the first to hear me talk about Chou, who managed to calm me down with a simple smile after some fight with my mom, who did all my economics homework and took an F for not having time to do his own.

Who said that he knew everything without me needing to say anything.

We shared a tiny single bed and played videogame until three in the morning — the same day he told me to stop dreaming because Chou Tzu-yu would never really give me a chance.

And I was empty but I loved Taehyung in an intense _red_  because he was right even in his death, he would always be the first in my life.

“He was my friend” at his funeral, he was the first to make me talk about everything, even if the emptiness tried to stop me again, he was the first. “He was my dear, dear friend".

And in Yongsan School front door, on a sunny day, while he is probably sitting in the stairs listening to his loud music and thinking of something that made him smile, that Kim Taehyung was the first to lose his life to Kim Hansol. The first.

My mother's grip makes me raise my eyes.

I know that she wanted to protect me, that she had heard the rumors, but I also know that I owe it to Taehyung’s family, who was my friend until the last moment. I looked at Tae’s mom again before saying.

“I wanted you to know that” mrs. Kim was crying in her husband's arms. “That he was my friend and that I can still hear his laughter.” I smile press my fingers in my suit. My mother mumbles something inaudible on my side and asks me to shut up. “It's funny how I can still feel him with me, it's like I've just seen him walk past me in the hallways as if I could still hear him screaming ‘ _Kim Yugyeom, don't you have another t-shirt to use? Doesn’t your mother give you money enough to buy another one **kiddo**?!_’” I imitate him, making some people laugh. I sigh. “What I mean is that he was my friend, I still love him as if he were my older brother, still think about calling and talk about the girl I like. I still want to run in the park as we did every day to see the tree that mr. Choi forced us to plant because it reminds me of something he always says ‘ _apples' tree give apples Yugyeomie, and we're going to sell these damn apples and we're going to make some money’ kiddo.’”_ I smile, hearing a mother call for her son, who was taken by the ferryman's death with no chance of coming back to her. “I miss Taehyung. I miss him a lot, he deserves more. I am sorry that I didn’t have the chance to save him. I really am”.

Kim Taehyung was my friend and now he's dead.

We wouldn’t earn money selling apples.

**September 27, 2016**

 “Ya!” my mother's screams hit me first, then the pillows that were hurled over me. “Kim Yu Gyeom, get up for God's sake!” she yelled pulling the sheets down. “What a lazy brat.”

“Huh?”

“Get up right now, you have class your irresponsible little boy.” she continues shouting, beating me with the pillows. “What is that?” I heard her asked. "You went out to drink?"

“What?” I murmur again, still with my eyes closed. “No”.

“No?” mom croaked with a squeaky laugh. “Oh. Okay. And those bottles there are what exactly? Water?” she sounds really angry. “Can’t believe you went out to drink in the middle of the week!” she whimpers in my ear. “It's Tuesday kiddo. Tuesday and look at you… Drunk!”

“Argh!” I moan loud and drawn. "Why on Earth are you yelling at me this hour mom?" and when she slaps my ass and scolds me with names I've never heard in my life, saying that I need to get back to myself, that I have to create judgment and stop acting like a child, I sit in bed. “What? Can’t I sleep in this house a little bit even on Saturday?”

"Saturday only if it's in your fuc-" mom stands, clasping her hands in front of her body, like when she prays. When she opens her eyes again, he has the expression that usually makes my father worries about our fragile souls. “It's Tuesday Yugyeom! Yesterday you told me that you would go to Bambam's house to do homework but apparently went out to get drunk.” she points to the bottles on my damp bed. _Shit_. I stare at my mom and prepare a mental speech about how much I felt sorry and how it would never happen again. "I don’t want to hear your apology”.

“Mom!”

“I said no, Yugyeom.” she warns, serious and firm. I bite my cheeks to stop myself from grunting or swearing at myself for being an idiot again. I was old enough to go through such teenage humiliation. "Just go shower and go to school kiddo” she says, taking the quilt and stepping toward the door. “Money isn’t giving in a tree for you to simply miss class!”

When the door closes, hard enough to make dad shout from their room, I feel submerged in the feeling of affecting everyone around me again.

Unlike the emptiness in my chest, the cold that settled in my life in me in the last weeks, when mama said that I was well and that I didn’t need to go to the psychologist like all the others, as cruel.

 _‘You’re strong Yugyeom. You will go through this phase, you will see, everything will be fine and soon you will be smiling again. I know you well enough to know that’_ , she said ignoring everything that I said.

Meantime, I believed that, for the second time throughout my life being his son, mom was wrong in her verdict.

As I thought about this a lot, how I continuing hurting everyone while telling me that everything was okay… I was staring at the door with something like hope and desperation pounding in the back of my mind, partly because I expected mom to come back and let me apologize for being out of me in recent months.

Partly because I was afraid of being alone while the cold sensation blew inside my bones.

I was afraid of all this contained feeling.

“ _I told you to get up!”_ I hear her scream from the other side of the door and jump out of bed as quickly as possible.

— ❖ —

When the third class was over, reminding me that I had to run to my English class if didn’t want to take another warning, Bambam — who was supposedly my best friend — stop me with his beautiful smile on his bulky lips between my locker and the teddy bears left next to Kim Jongin's locker.

We didn't say anything, we just stared at each other for long minutes until he smiled again, this time as if he was telling me that it was okay, that he forgave me for punching him in the eye last night, when we fight.

“Gyeomie-”

“It's all right hyung.” I say as fast as I can. Not because I forgive him for acting as if Taehyung had deserved to die just because he mocking about Kim Hansol once, but because I can't lose another friend. It’s sad and hypocritical but I didn't want to be alone. “We’re fucking drunk last night dude” I smiled without humor and he nodded. “Neither of us had any idea what we’re talking about so no need to worry, it's all right”.

“But Gyeomie, I shouldn't have said he deserved it.” the smile that was once on his face doesn’t exist anymore. “It was stupid to have to go with my anger and I know that” he admits it. “It’s just…” he snorts. “I don't understand why he had to die, you know? And sometimes I get so angry and remember how much the guys mess with Hansol...” his brown eyes stare at me in search of similarity to his suffering.

I bring my saliva and bite my lips hard, not knowing what to say.

The truth is that I wasn’t suffering, not as Bambam imagined.

“I know it's silly but that's what I think sometimes.” my blonde-haired friend rolls his eyes and I facing the gray hallway floor. I just wanted to go to my English class. “I am so sorry”.

“Drop it.” I repeat firmly. “Look, I need to go now”.

He nodded wishing me a good class, even though I didn’t move an inch because of his disappointed expression. I knew he was hurt.

I opened my mouth to say something, but all could do was follow his gaze to the person behind us.

Chou Tzuyu.

Chou was the girl I thought to love when Taehyung was still in this world, after his death, I realized that I didn’t really love her.

She knelt in front of Minatozaki Sana's closet, one of her dead friends, and left a teddy bear next to the picture that someone else had put there, saying that everything was going well.

It had been three months now.

Everyone had already stopped wearing black, but some of them still left gifts in front of the lockers or the desk that had to get markers with the names of their dead owners, and some of them still crying as if time had stopped on the first day when everyone realized that it was all true. Our friends were dead.

I rubbed my thumb over the sleeve of my sweatshirt, where the ink on my forearm lay in deep silence, reminding me of that day.

It had been three months and I still felt nothing when I saw people crying in front of their friend’s lockers or sitting in their chairs.

Three months and Taehyung continued in a solitary corner inside of my mind, hidden without haunting me at night in nightmares.

Three months and all I was doing were pretending not to be sad.

“ _Good morning fellas_.” before Bambam had a chance to say something to Tzuyu, Park Chaeyoung warm voice echoed through the speakers. “ _I hope everyone was excited about the early news. Can we get over with this? Yeah...”_ the radio girl says. _“So for those who are wondering if Black & White party still up this semester, the answer from our dear principal is..._” Rosé makes a dramatic pause to imitate the drum sound, which makes Bammie call her idiot and Tzuyu laughs quietly. “‘ _We have nothing to say.’”_  the girl said with a British accent, like our new principal mrs. Williams from England. “ _Yeah yeah, sorry guys. Tsc_.” Bammie yell saying that he had bought the perfect outfit for the black and white party.

Tzuyu, who had approached a little more, say that she had also bought a dress to go to the party — better saying, she said that Mina and she had bought pretty dresses — and Bambam pushes me to his side so he could argue with the girl about how unfair it was.

I stare at them for a while.

Didn’t remember seeing them talking before, I never actually saw Tzuyu talk to anyone but her friends — who were now all dead.

“ _Okay. Now for those who are thinking ‘what the fuck is this?’_ ” Rosé says at the same instant that a pink-haired girl gives me a paper and tells me to go to the cafeteria. “ _You probably shouldn’t pay attention to yesterday's notice right? When I made it clear that Sungkyunkwan University psychology class start field research in Yongsan. So if you are one of the unsuspecting ones, please answer the form and go to the cafeteria pretty please”._

I look at the paper.

 **Q3.** _What would you say to your friends who were victims of the June 18 attack_? I read, ignoring Rosé’s fun voice and Tzuyu's stupid comments.

I, involuntarily, get a pen in my backpack and support the paper against my locker, writing my name in the informed place and analyzing question three again.

 **Taehyung**.

What would I say to Kim Taehyung?

I sigh, positioning the pen on the bold lines.

“To my dead friend... the emptiness”.

  1. **Suneung**. It's a school test of skills used for admission to Korean universities. In Brazil, suneung was one of the main methodologies to create ENEM.




	4. T W O

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Kim Taehyung, right? He was your friend, wasn't he?”  
> “Yes, but...” I suck my lower lip between my teeth and move in the chair. It's uncomfortable to hear Taehyung’s name being said by someone who didn’t know him, especially when that someone could be assuming that his death made me worthy some special attention. “Am I obliged to go?”  
> “No, you don’t have to go if you do not want to”.  
> “But you should go kiddo.” Bambam’s Greek god step in our conversation again.  
> Only my mother and Taehyung called me kiddo.  
> “Does Bambam need to go too?” I ask over my anger. “He was Taehyung’s friend too”.  
> “Yes, he knew him, but...”  
> “But he didn't write that in your file, did he?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I've always been aware that we don't always like everything that people do, I've been writing for a few years and I've dealt with several different situations... and I always say that all the reader has every right to express that he doesn't like something or left a story, I just don't believe in the idea that the reader has the right to persecute someone for not liking a particular topic. I don't know who you are sending me to hate messages on twitter and wattpad, but I hope you think a little bit about how you would feel if this situation went against you and someone was sending you hateful spam. Would you feel good? I don't think so. So... for you who are probably reading this... before you hate someone or try to end someone's hateful day with hate stop and reflect a little, think about whether you would feel about being in that person's place. I think the answer will guide you in a much better life.

We knew the world would not be the same.  
Some people would laugh, some people would cry,  
most would be silent.  
— J. Robert Oppenheimer

When we get in the cafeteria — three in a student’s sea — our teachers sent us to sit with our classmates, then Chou Tzuyu waves to Bambam and runs towards the 2nd year students, leaving to me only her sweet strawberry smell.

And I need to agree with Taehyung: that girl would never give me a chance — maybe that's why I forgot her the instant I buried him in my mind.

I forgot because the truth is that Chou Tzu-yu meant nothing without Taehyung to mess with me about her. Because I didn't think I loved her just because of my sweaty hands when we’re in the same place, I thought I loved her because Kim Taehyung could read my soul and that was the only way to protect my secrets from his prey eyes.

“Hirai Momo...” mr. Pyo, our algebra teacher, calls the blonde-haired girl. “Park Jinwoo and Cha Eun Woo.” he continues turning to point one of the tables. “You must sit at that table, with the three girls.” he informs with a tedious face. “Be polite and answer all their questions, we need to collaborate for SKKU study, understood?

“Yes sir.” Momo, who always smiles too much and is always affectionate with everyone, says at the same time that Jin Jin rolls his eyes and releases a ‘ _whatever’_.

“Next trio.” despite being present among the other students, I don't understand why we’re being placed in threesomes, I just nod and get up when he calls my name. “Kim Jisoo…” _Great_. Jisoo, who is one of Rosé and Lisa's friends, my old _girlfriend,_ snorts before gets up and standing next to me. She doesn't like. “Hm… and Mr. Kunpimook Bhuwakul.” I sigh relieved that I didn't have to stay between Jisoo and someone who probably wouldn't talk to me during that stupid test. “The three of you go to that table over there, with the two boys and the girl in the red t-shirt”.

I wasn’t in the best terms with Bambam, but I was more relieved to have him by my side or would have to deal with Jisoo knows God there for how long.

“Why can't he be like everyone? Does he have to insist on calling me by the name if he doesn't even know how to pronunciation it?!” Bambam complains passing his arm through mine while pulling me towards the table. “What's the thing in saying ‘ _hey Bambam, get your ass up and answer the stupid questions?_ ’” my best friend asks with his eyes fixed on me. “Yes, no problem, already what-Wow!” he stopped himself, pulling me back.  “Don’t look now Gyeom, but there is a Greek god sitting there”.

It was inevitable.

Saying not to look is the same as shouting LOOK AT ME IDIOT.

I turned around looking directly at the table.

“Christ has mercy on me...”

“What?” I ask indifferently.

"That's why your mother says you're idiot Yugyeom. Christ!” my best friend roared, rolling his eyes in my direction. "Stop embarrassing me like that for God's sake. Don’t look your stupid shit”.

I narrow my eyes, confused.

"But what have I done now?”

“Oh God, why? That’s what I have to pass every day.” Bambam snorted as if it were too obvious. “Just don’t embarrass me okay? Smile and answer the questions like a good boy”.

Although I don't want to promise anything to him — because I see no reason to behave and act like I want to be doing it — I sit down.

Finally, when I look at his smiling face and turn to the front, I see the reason for all his sudden joy. Then I understand why he asked me not to embarrass him.

One of the guys at our table — not that the one with a blue shirt or the girl in the red shirt wasn't as well and have groomed hairstyle like the one in the black shirt was — fits perfectly into Bambam’s idea of Greek God personification.

Jisoo, who is facing the woman who I believe has presented herself as Bae Joo-hyun or something like that, shakes hands and responds with followed and irritating 'ne, ne, ne' while the woman notes something in her yellow paper.

Bambam, who made a point of taking the place with the boy in black and too serious expression for someone of his age, smiles as if his white teeth were to attract the kind of attention he desired.

"Are you even listening?" The young man, the one in the blue shirt and receptive smile, asks. I nod. "So what did I just ask?"

“Oh..." I scratch the back of my neck. “What was my name?” I repeat, proving that even though I was distant, I was paying attention. He smiles and waits, but when he realizes that I’ll not take the next step he asks me again: “Kim Yu Gyeom”.

“How old Yugyeom-ssi?” he registers as soon as I say I am nineteen years old. “You wrote that you want to do engineering”.

“Yes”.

“Interesting. And how's it going? I knew that it’s really difficult the last year for those who choose a technology area”.

I sigh bored.

“It's normal”.

“Got it. You're the few words type.” I nod. “Okay. Are you from Yongsan?” I deny saying that I’m from Namyangju-si and he asks me the reason we change. I say that we moved because of father's work, which was transferred to one of the neighborhood police stations. "So your father's a cop?"

“Sheriff.” I reply without much enthusiasm. When the shooting happened and those people were killed someone spread rumors about me being a sheriff son. Some of them asked me if I wasn’t involved with Kim Hansol. I remember having beaten in some of them. “And not. I don’t have access to weapons and I don’t know anything about my dad’s cases…” Jae2, who was my interviewer asked to be called, settled confused with my sudden mood change. "Everyone's been asking me this sort of thing" I shrug, bored of having to explain such a thing as if I'd been caught doing something wrong. “Anyway”.

“Oh! I understand.” He nodded, placing the clipboard without letting me see what he had written. "And how do you feel about that?" He probes, making me snap my fingers. I simply say that I don’t know. His lips tighten. "When people ask you that kind of question, what have you done about it?"

“I knocked them down”. I slip it away. Jae looks curious, but not surprised to hear me. I snitch between my tight teeth and try to concentrate on something then my head screaming about needing to know what was written on those damn papers. When I looked up again I could see Bambam’s interviewer look on me. "Did you lose something in my face or do you just like to stare people that way?”

His lips twist in a sarcastic smile and he shakes his head.

“What?” I cross my arms. “Did I say something funny?”

"No. It's just that you must be a good fighter.” Bambam’s Greek god, who for me was the guy with the serious expression tucked in black clothes too closed for a hot day, says attracting our attention. Until that moment, I didn't have look at him. Partly because I was more concerned with finishing my interview than analyzing my best friend's new crush, partly because he had spent most of his time with his head down.

It was incredible how Bambam always maintained the same stereotype of a man. They always have dark hair and serious look on their faces. Oh, and the fucking superiority look. That man was no different from his black long-sleeved blouse, black pants, black watch and his damn black hair falling over his eyebrows. So apathetic.

I look at Bambam for a moment, not understanding why he always chooses people opposed to him. It's strange because Kunpimook Bhuwakul Bambam is a rainbow while his "boyfriends" are flat tones of beige, or in this dude case… black.

  “How many people have you knocked down this week?”

“Oh. Let me think…” I fake think for a moment, analyzing his question regarding the beginning of the week. "Today is Tuesday, you know? I haven't had time to lose patience with anyone yet” I grab the irons from my chair and lean back. "But If you want, you can be the first to try”.

I smile, raising one eyebrow.

The boy separates his lips — he’s surprised — and smiles back as if he really enjoyed what he had heard.

“Kim Yugyeom!” Bambam has red cheeks when he punches me on the shoulder. I squawk because of the pain. “He is older than you, show a little respect for God's sake”.

Sometime later Jae got my attention, saying we finished everything we had to do as a "team." As soon as his pen finally lying on the table, I snap back and prepare to get up.

I was anxious to get out of there because I still had to run to my P.E. class since I'd missed English already.

“I would like to see again Yugyeom-ssi”.

I freeze.

The boy with almost blonde hair says without even sketching a smile.

“Something wrong with my test?”

“What? No!” Jae guarantees with a hasty laugh. “There's nothing wrong with your test, it's just standard procedure for students who have lost closes friends.” even though he's smiling, his voice has a peculiar feather tone. I wish my test had pointed out something out of the ordinary. “Kim Taehyung, right? He was your friend, wasn't he?”

“Yes, but...” I suck my lower lip between my teeth and move in the chair. It's uncomfortable to hear Taehyung’s name being said by someone who didn’t know him, especially when that someone could be assuming that his death made me worthy some special attention. “Am I obliged to go?”

“No, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to”.

“But you should go _kiddo_.” Bambam’s Greek god step in our conversation again. Only my mother and Taehyung call me _kiddo_. I gave him an angry look. I want to give him a quick answer, say I hadn't asked anything, but Bambam has an appealing expression and even Jisoo seems to be cheering for me to bite my tongue.

“Does Bambam need to go too?” I ask over my anger. “He was Taehyung’s friend too”.

“Yes, he knew him, but-”

“But he didn't write that in your file, did he?” the man in black interrupts Jae, staring at me with his serious, inexpressive brown eyes. I hesitate not knowing what to say. The confused expression on Bambam’s face causes me to a tingle in my skin and as much as I want to punch someone at that very moment, I get up before I lose my control. “You should-”

“ _Leave him alone Jinyoung_.” I'm already away from the table, but I still hear Jae stop the boy in black, _Jinyoung_ , and Bambam screams my name in the middle of the cafeteria.

— ❖ —

When I finally got home — hurling the helmet into some corner and throwing my backpack against the door — I was breathing fast and thought plunged into that idiot's superior expression as he asked if it was Bambam who had given the damn answer to that damn stupid question.

“First they talk about Taehyung” I laughed grumpily, pacing back and forth complain to myself. “And they act as if his death made me special, because _‘oh, you were close friends and blah bla bla bla_ ”. I want to scream, but I know that if I do the housecleaner, who always has strict orders to not let me in before the end of classes, would end up listening and the chances of her telling my mom about me being in a home that time of the day were one hundred for cent. “And then he's coming to tell me that I need to go to the fucking psychologist just because I wrote such nonsense shit?" I take my jacket off, pulling my shirt over my head. “When are people going to stop judging me? Huh? Does everyone have to suffer in the same way to not be accused?”

I pull my pants out of my legs before throw myself into bed.

I am, after a long time, frustrated.

Since Taehyung died everything I was feeling was like a cold, empty hole and I had adapted that feeling well because it was easy to pretend to be okay as if nothing wrong had happened.

When I was with my friends, I laughed at their jokes and talk as if everything was in the usual place, right? I still acting like a nineteen years old guy, I still going to parties and picking girls numbers.

I was still getting into trouble and making false promises that I would get into a good UNI because I had adapted myself to everything.

So what else did they want from me?

The hat I stayed in the corners suffering the same ways all the rest of school? Or that I felt guilty for something I couldn’t possibly have done in that fucking shit day? Was that what they wanted from me?

If it was, I wasn’t interested in giving them what they wanted.

I was fine on my terms. I could live my life and go through bad nights without many scandals, without disturbing anyone. I mean, it was good to play imitation game that everyone was losing as they went crazy over something that had happened three fucking months ago.

So I wasn’t really interested in feeling everything like other people felt because I didn’t want to lose my fucking mind.

“Aish!” I roll over in bed. “I’m tired of all this bullshit.” I pull the pillow, punching it hard. “Why didn't they suggest an appointment to Bambam too, huh? Wasn't he the one who said Taehyung deserved to die, so why no one said anything about it?” I drop the pillow on the floor and I face my blue ceiling. “And he made that stupid remark about understanding Hansol and seeing reason in his fucking actions, like a damn fan!” smile sarcastically. “I must have pissed in Jesus body to always have-”

“And I thought I was losing my mind when I thought heard your voice at this time of the afternoon.” and there she was, the beast in mother form, the woman with fire eyes and murderous expression. “I can't believe you're skipping class again Kim Yugyeom!” my mom yells steps violent in my room. Before I can get up and say something, the middle-aged woman and black hair pulls me by the ankles and hits me with the dishcloth.

I moan in pain with the impact.

She should be investigated for attempted murder.

“ _Omma!_ ”

“I can't believe I brought you into this world. I can't believe you're giving me so much trouble!” she says it while beating me with a fucking dish rag. “Why can't you be like Jaebeom? Huh? He doesn't give trouble for his parents, he's such a scholar.” she questioned me furiously. “Or just like Bambam! Have you seen his notes, Yugyeom? He only takes A’s! Why can't you be like that?”

"Because I am me, they are they, duh.” I tease her, getting another whip of a dishcloth. “ _Ouch_. Mom stops it. Stop”.

“Stop?” She laughed sarcastically, covering her mouth. "Do you have any idea how much I paid for a month on that fucking place?"

“But it's dad who pays...” I whisper, going under my bed. I don’t have time to laugh at the joke because she pulls me so hard that I feel my back burn. I banged my head on the edge of the bed and shouted: “Oh fuck. Why are you always so out of control mom?”

“And why are you always giving me a hard time?” my mother whispers moping, stop hitting me suddenly. Only then do we really look at each other. My mom has a weary aspect in her face, her hair is tousled and her nurse's clothes crumpled. She'd probably spent the whole day running around the hospital, so she looks exhausted. “Why you have given so much trouble kiddo?”

“Mom-”

“Why aren’t you in school?” she cuts me, sitting on my messy bed. I could lie, say I was feeling sick and the teacher released me, but knowing the mother I have she would probably force me to go to the hospital and still call the school to make sure they had released me for real. Then I told her what had happened, to get to school until finding Bambam in the hallway, until the moment I got on my bike and drive some out there until finally decided to go home. "So… are you tell me that you left school early because they recommended you for psychological follow-up for your own good?"

“Ah… fuck, when you say this like that, with all this explicit mocking face, it sounds super silly”.

Mama laughs and rolls her eyes when I complain.

She is a good mother. She lies like the devil when she wants to convince me of something, breaks my stuff when she is angry, takes my bike key as punishment and always checks my notes on the school so she can have what to throw in my face.  I am nineteen, at any moment I will be going to college and my mother acts as if she had a 12-year-old kid.

She cared enough.

“And why are you home?”

“How can I be so idiot huh? I'm here hoping you’d remember that your parents have a life outside the bubble of their parents' lives”. she says too hasty and all I really understand is a sequel to ‘parents, parents, bubble life’. I raise my eyebrows. “Today is our wedding anniversary, Gyeom. 40 years of marriage, with a troubled son and having to go out in my free time to cook because my husband doesn’t want to spend money in a fucking restaurant.” now It was explained why she was so angry that I was home. I end up laughing. “Do you want to die?”

“I’m sorry.” I stop laughing. Mom snorts some old bad word and gets up, telling me to call Bambam’s mother, to see if I can sleep at her house while she and dad celebrate their birthday. “Ewc. I'm staying at Jaebeom hyung today.” I say getting up before she decides to hit me again. “Oh, mom? Can you borrow some money? I am almost out of gas and dad didn't want to get me an allowance.” I ask her, raising my eyes to find her mortified expression. Mom throws the dishrag towards me. “ _Ouch_. Okay, okay! No money. _Jesus_ ”.

We laughed.

Mom complains about having an idiot son before the stop at the door.

“Yugyeom-ah?” she calls me. “Not that I think you need help or that you're not going to get over what happened… but now I think that I’m wrong, you know? About don’t make you see someone else” I below my phone, surprised by her. “I don’t think this is a bad thing babe. Why you don’t think a little about this, huh?”

I nodded.

She stands still at the door, her tired brown eyes watching me back as I sit on the bed and wait for whatever she has to say to me.

But mom doesn’t say anything, she just sighs.

“You'd better make dinner, mama.” I suggest with a pretentious natural smile. "You don’t want to ruin the big birthday for lack of food, do you?" I laugh at her. "Because tomorrow, reality knocks on the door when you need to sign my absence for today”.

"Oh God, all I ever wanted was a good, educated, studious son to show off to my pompous friends.” mom sighs defeat, making me laugh. She smiles back to me. "Reality can bite my ass”.

 

  
**[That same day in Yongsan cafeteria]**

When teacher Pyo called my name in the same group as Kim Yugyeom I grow happy because I didn’t have to go through that torture alone. Not just because I hated Kim Jisoo for trying to ruin my friendship with Lisa las year — because according to Jisoo, Lalisa shouldn’t be living with snakes who was friend with Kim Yugyeom — but because everything was more interesting with him by my side.

And even better than having Yugyeom was to have been sent toward a Greek god persona all wearing in black.

“How should I pronounce your name?” _Oh, what a wonderful voice_. I smile, crossing my legs under the table. “Are you thai?” _Ya. Smart and handsome_. I have a silly smile on my face. I nodded. “Then I apologize before I start if I pronounce your name wrong feel free to correct me”.

“You can call me Bambam.” I suggest to him whit a silly smile. “That's how everybody calls me around here. Better than apologizing, right?” He sits tensely. I don’t blame him. I am really too handsome for someone not to feel pressured. "And you… what's your name?"

“Park Jinyoung.” When I say that his name fits well in his personality and look, he automatically puts his hand in front of his cute smile. And between ‘ _oh, don’t hide that beautiful smile from me hyung_ ’ and ‘ _Bambam-ssi, you shouldn’t be sassy, I'm representing the college and I can’t be caught flirting’_ we laughed and talked about what had happened in Yongsan. Jinyoung is really patient. "You wrote that you lost some close friends in the shooting. Why don’t you tell me about them?”

Although it is a serious question, his angry expression has nothing to do with it, but with the fact that Yugyeom had offended him with his dirty mouth and his aggressive tone.

So — despite being shot by my best friend's eyes — I tell about Taehyung, Junghwa, and Chanmi, who were the only ones I really knew.

I also tell about Taeyang and how everyone became concerned about him after his surgery — he had taken two shots — and how I visited him every day in the hospital.

“But despite everything I understand Hansol.” I say without thinking as I move my nails chipped because of the sculpture I had done in the woodworking class. Although I am not looking at the man in front of me, I can feel his surprised gaze. I sigh, raising my head. “I understand his side and I feel sorry for him”. I still don't realize what I was really suggesting with my words. But it was the truth.

I understood Kim Hansol, knew why all that had happened and why the media kept suggesting that all their targets had been well planned.

All the people he attacked, apart from the ones that had been hurt because of the confusion in the hallways, had bullied him.

Taehyung had preached a play on him when he tried to tell some girl in his class that he liked her but didn’t want to have sex. Junghwa had beaten Hansol because he was looking at him too much and everyone thought he was gay for it.

And Chanmi was the girl who had created stupid rumors about Hansol not having a fundamental part of the male body. The others, those who I didn’t know and were dead, were bad people who used to mess with people like him. People like me.

"I've known him since I arrived in Yongsan, we did some classes together and even went out with some common friends.” I say shaking my hands and staring into Jinyoung's inexpressible face. "So I wanted to be on his side that time”.

“Really?” the blacked-hair man, who now seems to be more interested in me, arranges his posture in the chair. I nodded. "And why would you wish to have been on his side, Bambam-ssi?" his tone sounds suspicious. I stop smiling. "He may have suffered, but he killed twenty-three people who should have had a bright future”.

I paralyzed.

Of course, I understood what he had done and how his actions had been misrepresented, I’m wasn’t boasting about his actions.

I was just saying he was hurt.

“Ah-oh… I-I know.” I say hurry. "What I mean is that I would have been with him to help in the bad times. Before everything happen you know?" I try to explain myself. "I think Hansol just needed a friend to put him on the right track”.

Very serious, Park Jinyoung sits facing me with his hungry brown eyes. I lick my lips, intimidated the way he’s looking at me.

"I just think Hansol needed help”.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you are enjoying it... and that you have understood my grammar because it is not the best hahahah. 
> 
> I'll make different views, but I'll always be signaling with signs with the names of the character you're narrating. 
> 
> I'll see you guys in the next update!


	5. T H R E E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why did you have to act so recklessly?"
> 
> “Huh?” I frowned. "Hyung, you're dreaming…”
> 
> “I heard everything. I guess I cannot stop listening to what... oh, you have to go...” he shifted, hugging the pillow. “I wanted to help you”.
> 
> He stopped talking shortly after that, with a sad sigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank for all the comments... and also meant that I finally stopped receiving spam. I don't know if in the future someone will get annoyed with me again, but I hope I have the same maturity as now to be able to deal with it.
> 
> Thanks for the comments and the love.  
> Hope you enjoy it!

Life is about choices.   
Some that we regret,  
some that we are proud of.  
We are what we choose to be.  
— Graham Brown.

 

“Jaebeom hyung, you're cheating!” I complain, pushing the redhead boy by the shoulders, who laughs and pushes me back while his character breaks mine in half.

 **GAME OVER**.

“Your motherfucker…!”

"The feeling is reciprocal, my angel. You know Gyeom-ah, I love it when you lose that way” Jaebeom chuckles, approaching me with his middle finger ready to give me a flick. I shrug, protecting my beautiful forehead. “Oh come on, stop being a pussy and get close, I have a big prize for you baby boy”.

“Fuck off hyung!” I protest getting up. “You cheat on. The whole game you’re pushing me, talking shit” I showing him my middle finger. “So there is no fucking punishment. It wasn't a clean game, your fucker”.

“What the fuck!” Jaebeom cries impatiently. “No matter how I won, we made a deal and you have to keep your word”.

“Word? What word?” I joke. “Can you prove that I say something? No, you can’t prove anything… you idiot”.

He laughed.

Anyone who heard me use a stupid ‘offense’ like that would have laughed and asked if I was really Kim Yugyeom. And I would say yes, I’m Kim Yugyeom who used to bully people and stared fights, but that I also couldn't be rude near Lim Jaebeom.

That Yugyeom always laughed or acted like a cute little kid.

It was annoying and ugly to see, but I couldn’t be otherwise — even my mother liked me better when I was with him.

“As if you had played clean.” the redhead replicates with a shameless smile on his face. Sometimes I wanted to be Kim Yugyeom who beats everyone up with Jaebeom because then he wouldn’t try to kick my ass every time. "You're a bad player. Baby cry, _tsc_ , that’s ugly”.

“Whatever Lim Jaebeom.” I snapped my tongue and watch his expression grow sulky. He only hates one thing being disrespectfully called by his name. I smile: “Your idiot”.

“Ya, Kim Yugyeom!” he howling coming towards me. “Do you want to die today?” and though I've always felt lonely and cold inside, I always end up laughing when I'm around that red-haired asshole. I run in the opposite direction. “Come here your inconsequential little brat, I'll teach you to respect the elders”.

Lim Jaebeom and I crossed the same path when he was in his senior year. He was one of the best students in dance class — which I was forced to do because I owed Bambam a favor, who wanted to kiss one of the instructors — and he helped me to survive classes for the first two months.

At that time we thought our friendship would be like those who only meet in the hallways and say "oh hi" and then just talk again in dance class. But the truth is that we don’t spend much time exchanging numbers and talk in Kakao.

Suddenly Jaebeom became part of the group and the whole school began to call us musketeers because we were three inseparable parts. And it was really sad when Jaebeom went to UNI and I had to deal with Kunpimook Bhuwakul Bambam and dance classes alone.

At first, it was complicated, we couldn’t talk — all because Lim Jaebeom was the best art student from Hongik University — but things were adjusting and when we realized we were in his room screaming at each other about who had stolen in the video game.

So I liked Jaebeom’s existence, because he was the good and studious boy that mom would like to have as a son, and without him, there would be only Taehyung and his immense lack. Because I can tell him everything without worrying about judgments.

“What are you thinking about?” his voice scares me. He throws the control over my leg before starts another game, now football. "How did you want to kiss me?"

“Give me a break hyung.” I rolled my eyes, choosing my team in the game. Jaebeom clutched my thigh. “Jesus, you're worse than Bambam”.

“Okay, okay. I get the message, you're straight.” the redhead says in offense fake tone, making an ugly pout on his lips. "But now I’m serious, what were you thinking about? Your mind travels and you didn’t even hear me”.

I sigh.

“I don't know.” I lie pointing the control at the screen. He asks again, and again and I end rolling my eyes. Jaebeom wait. “Oh, how's the thing with... what's his name again? Pete?” I try to change the subject. The redhead looks at me with an ugly face and I understand the message. He was single again. "Shit. You two broke up?” he nods. “Shit”.

“I don’t care.” Jaebeom shrugs. “He was an idiot”.

He could be saying that, but we knew that his heart needed someone to love and that he was probably sad.

“You know what I started to think? All my friends are gay”.

“Nothing new in Korea, right?” he replays. "You should have gotten used to it by now”.

"I've gotten used to it.” I say with a shrug. "It's just that I don’t understand my destiny. Is it too much to ask for straight friends?” I tease him, receiving a wild look. "And you couldn’t keep quiet and go after a pretty girl? You know hyung, tits and vag-”

“Shut up!” Jaebeom shouted falsely in shock. "Who's teaching you this bullshit, huh?" He wanted to know. "I doubt it's your mother, so you can only be one of those school friends for you.” Sometimes he could be more dramatic than Bambam himself. “Look here, as an adopted member by the Winx club” he says referring to the name of our group in Kakao chat. “you cannot use the ‘ah but tits and vaginas are the best things in the world’ tactic on me”.

I laugh.

"I wasn’t going to say that.” I lie and he shows me his middle finger like a pretty little angry kid. I giggle. "Anyway..." I try to break the mood again. I wanted to know about Pete and him. “What happened?”

“What about you?”

“Me? What about me?”

“You're still with... what's her name? Lisa?” I roll my eyes. “Huh? Are you two together?”

“No. She kicked my ass.” I say against my pride and Jaebeom holds his laughter. “In her words what we had was too short to continue. Can you believe?”

“Yeah.” he says simplistic. **GOAL**. The game screams and the audience clap. I keep my eyes on the TV. “But honestly? I always thought she liked Bambam”.

“He’s gay”.

“So? I’m gay too and this doesn’t stop me to fuck with Sanha's cousin on that vacation we went to the mountains”.

“Oh. I thought it was a ‘drink guilt’ thing.” I repeat his words with disdain and he shows me his angry look. “Anyway! It doesn't matter anymore. I'm keeping an eye on someone else”.

Jaebeom faces me surprised.

“Fuck. Christ has mercy on these girls.” Jaebeom says making the sign of the cross on me. "Sometimes I miss Kim Yugyeom's first-year virgin boy.” Jaebeom whispers the last part. I stare at his back, surprised. He was the first person to complain about it as if it were bad to have an active sex life. “Pay attention to the game, Gyeom!”

— ❖ —

The ringing of my phone wakes me up at 5::56 in the morning.

I moan realizing that the end of the night had become a blur because of the beer we had taken for each round lost in the game.

I roll enough to feel Jaebeom's arm upon my waist.

“Hello?” I fumble with my nose. Loud music hit me between the voice. “Who's talking?” I move the phone away to try to see the name on the display. “Bambam hyung? Where are you?”

“Yugyeom, keep your voice down for God's sake…" Jaebeom complains beside me. “I want to sleep”.

“Sorry hyung.” I whisper back, pull his arm away and stand in silence, leaving the room. “Bambam?”

 _“… can you_?”

“Can I what? I can’t hear you”.

The music gets louder when he said:.

“ _Come and pick me. Please Gyeom. Pick me up. I lost my wallet and I cannot go home in that state_ ”.

"Cannot you get a cab and come to Jaebeom's?”

" _Gyeom..."_ I heard my friend sigh. “ _Please?”_

I grind my teeth.

_Damn it._

“Where are you?” I put my pants on and get a coat. “What? What the hell are you doing in that place?”

— ❖ —

I found Bambam sitting on the sidewalk in front of the nightclub.

He didn’t want to look at me when I called him stupid, and I only understood why when the security man shouted at him to grow up and stop looking for trouble. He had a black eye.

“Who did this to you?”

"Can we just go to Jaebeom hyung?" Bambam ask, his voice sounding drawn and sad. He was slightly drunk.

“No.” I get off the bike. "Not until you tell me-”

"Just take me home!" Bambam cried out in sobs. I hardly ever saw him cry. “Please Yugyeom. Take me to Jaebeom's house”.

I tighten my jaw.

I never had to defend my friends. They were strong enough to deal with anything… but nothing like that had happened before.

They never get a black eye.

And worst of all, knowing Bambam, he wouldn’t tell me who did it because he is too serious about the people he fucks around because most of them had big names in Korea. Sometimes they were married.

“Put this.” I said giving him my coat. “It’s cold”.

The trip was silent.

Bambam clung in my waist and cried so much that I felt my back get wet because of his tears. He cried even more as we quietly entered Lim’s house and went upstairs to the bedroom.

He sat on the bed and I turned on the light.

“What happened?” Jaebeom asks hoarsely, raising his head. “Huh?”

I pointed to Bambam before going to the bathroom and heard our friend ask who had done it on his face. The thai one didn’t say anything, just bellowed like an idiot child and apologized himself.

At some point, mrs. Lim hears us because she comes into Jaebeom’s room, wondering what was happening and why Bambam is crying.

"Oh Bambam, my angel” I heard her as she sat on the bed. “What happened? What happened to him? Jaebeom?”

"He doesn’t tell us”.

I leaned against the doorframe.

"Did you get into a fight dear?"

Bambam denied in silence.

"Mama, why don’t you go back to bed? I think Bambam needs some sleep before he talks” Jaebeom says docile to his mom. "Yugyeom and I can take care of him”.

“Are you sure?” mrs. Lim asked, smoothing Bambam's sticky blonde hair. “You have class early. I can take care of him”.

"No need to worry, auntie, I'll keep an eye on Bambam while Jaebeom hyung sleeps. I don’t have classes tomorrow’.

Mrs. Lim looked at me worriedly. She was always so worried.

“Ok… I'll give you guys some space”.

"See you tomorrow, _auntie_ ”.

"Anything you want..." she turned one last time. “Call me. Okay?”

Silence.

We were silent as soon as Jaebeom's mother left.

I wanted to kill who did that to Bambam but wanted to kill him even more for covering up that fucking pig that touched him like that.

“I’m noting tell you”.

“What's your fucking problem Bambam?” I asked, taking a step toward him. “Do you like to get spanked? If you like, I have no problem with that you know? I dated a girl who was crazy and like this kind of thing”.

“Yugyeom!” Jaebeom pushed. “Shut up you idiot”.

“Why? I’m not saying anything wrong!” I tried not to yell. “I mean, if that's what happened, I understand dude. But… he made a show for me to pick him up and when I get there, he won't want to tell us what happens to him?”

“I-I-”

“Fuck you Bambam. Just say his name!”

Bambam raised his eyebrows, angry.

“I asked you to pick me up because you've been my best friend since I was fifteen, Yugyeom. Because I couldn’t go home like that” he whispered seriously. "and I knew you'd help me. I'm sorry if I'm annoying you because I don’t want to see you get hurt”.

“I’m not going-”

“Yes, you will!” Bambam interrupted me, cowering on the bed. Jaebeom gave me a concerned look. “You're an idiot and you think you can beat everyone, but you cannot. I’ll not let you take a punch because you think you have to defend my honor”.

I opened my mouth in surprise.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously”.

“Yugyeom…” Jaebeom sighed. “Bamba-”

“I want to sleep.” Bambam cut him off, lying down and turning sideways. “Thank you for picking me up Yugyeom. I don’t know what I would have done without you. And for letting me stay here today, thank you Jaebeom hyung”.

Just like that, Bambam closed his eyes and slept.

Jaebeom too, a few moments after he scolded me seriously.

I stayed awake for the rest of the night, watching Bambam sleep and grimace in his dream as if he is in pain.

At some point Bambam made a confused noise and whispered with narrow eyes, wake me up against my will:

" _Why did you have to act so recklessly?"_

“Huh?” I frowned. "Hyung, you're dreaming…”

“ _I heard everything. I guess I cannot stop listening to what ... oh, you have to go...”_ He shifted, hugging the pillow. “ _I wanted to help you_ ”.

He stopped talking shortly after that, with a sad sigh.

And I don’t know exactly why, but something inside me squeezed so hard I found it hard to breathe. I kept trying to imagine what he was dreaming about, which was sad enough to make him sounds so sad.

I ended up falling asleep surrounded by the heat of the sun and the secrets they were all hiding from me. Especially Bambam’s secrets.


	6. F O U R

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Should I have asked about Kim Hansol?" I asked to my reflection. I take the brush out of the makeup case. “Maybe Jinyoung could tell what he had…” I sigh. Me. I inhale, dragging the bristles over my neck. “Would he know what I have?”

  

The stereotype of a serial killer definitely  
is something that always pleased me.  
They are evil, but they know they  
would be better trapped.  
— unknown author.

Is raining in Yongsan for almost a week now.

When the first water drops began to fall, the sun looked sick on his throne in the sky, the white clouds seemed to have been painted with a pathetic gray color and everything was suddenly dark and cold.

 _The sky is crying_. That's what my mother said, not because of the rain, but because of the emergency call on JTBC NEWS Channel.

It had been a rainy week in Yongsan, the first drops had begun to fall a few hours before everyone knew:

 **Yongsan International School’s student is murdered in cold blood**.

I didn’t know her.

I only knew that her name was Jeon Soyeon and that she was one of the names on Kim Hansol’s list, the one the cops found on the boys' house.

“ _He died and people are still murder in his name.”_ it’s what everyone was saying about Kim Hansol. Not just because of what he did, but because of the message found near Soyeon’s body.

Everyone was probably feeling scared.

At that moment, while listening to my sister talks about how everyone in her school was talking about what had happened in Yongsan and tried not to be shaken by the message found with Soyeon, I reflected on how I had made harsh choices and disappointed so many people over my life.

I thought about the secrets I had decided to keep and the lies I had told aloud to feel good, to feel useful.

Maybe my name had to be on Kim Hansol's list.

“ _Oppa!”_ Dahyun laughed, showing me the photo she had just taken. I sigh. “You look beautiful when you're focused” she shrugs her shoulders as she glues some stickers in the picture. “Wait until I post it on Snow, everyone will love it. It will be so funny”.

“Dahyun” I inhaled tightly. “I swear if you post this, I'll kill you while you sleep”.

I just love Kim Dahyun from earth to the moon, but she’s one of the people who took my patience most for never taking me seriously.

The problem with Dahyun is that she has a terrible habit to ignore everyone… like, if you say **no** to her, she automatically hears **yes, do it**. If you fight with her, she thinks you’re joking and still mocks you.

Dahyun never takes things seriously and I always ended up wanting to kill her for it.

“ _Oppa!”_

“I swear to God, I'll stab you with a knife Dahyunie”.

“Ya! How can you say such a thing?” her mouth became a taut ugly line. “You should have a little more sensitivity now. A girl has just been murdered and you’re bully me?” _and she always plays dirty too_. “What an ugly thing to do, people could hear you talking like that and it wasn’t going to be any good to you.” she says, facing her phone. “Don’t do the same that our friend, Yugyeom thing is enough to me. I don’t need another friend in the gossipers' mouths”.

I look at her again.

“What? The gossipers were talking about him?”

“Yeah. You don’t know?” she asks back. I nod no. “The usual”.

“I had no idea what ‘the usual’ means for the gossipers”.

“The same shit from everyday Bambam, that he'll probably freak out like Hansol did and will kill us all”.

I bite my tongue.

“I didn’t know they were saying that…” I whisper. “He knows?”

“Probably?” she raised her eyebrows. Her expression changed to worried quickly. “You know, you should talk to him. I tried, but he just doesn’t listen to me. I don’t know how to help him anymore”.

Dahyun was right.

I needed to talk to Yugyeom.

Not just because people were beginning to talk about him and his weird behavior, but because I had Jeon Soyeon's death in my head and wanted to tell Yugyeom everything I know.

I wanted to hear him say that I was crazy and that the two things don’t have connections. That I should stop seeing things where they didn’t exist. I wish I could talk to him.

“Are you listening? You agree with me, right? He has to deal with it”.

“Dahyun?” I breathe impatiently, getting up. “Shut up before I kill you for real, please”.

— ❖ —

 _We're in over our heads_  
_but we're holding our breath_  
_Will we ever get to the other side_  
_before there's nothing left_  
_ya our bodies are weak_  
_and we're tired of hurting_  
_Will we ever get to the other side_  
_don’t know but I swear I'll die trying_

The days passed like white flashes.

In an instant, it was October 16 and I was bully Kim Dahyun about her death. In the next instant it’s was 17 and I was laughing at some nonsense that my literature teacher says about Shakespeare and his tragic romances that fit so well with some modern teenagers tragic.

The next instant was October 22. I was standing in front of the room that Yugyeom used to have economics class, watching him in his silent beauty at the class background — wherein silence he was sitting in the red chair that had taken Kim Taehyung’s name.

I didn’t know when he had become a silent sea.

The Kim Yugyeom I had met was noisy, smiling, troublemaker and enlightened. He was different, charming and being with Yugyeom was like watching a supernova in a very dark sky.

Contrary to what I remembered, the Kim Yugyeom who was sitting in the red chair looking outside as if he had missed something in the sky was soundproof. He was quiet, confused and silent.

Now looking at him was like being hit by pieces of glass and every time he went up the surface everything gets bruised because every moment at his side was a silent doubt that he might be lost his mind.

It hurt to see Yugyeom so distinct from his supernova.

“Ya Kim Yugyeom!” I called before my thoughts filled me, squeezing my backpack. “What are you doing here man?”

When he turned with a lost expression, I wanted to hug him and say that everything would be all right. Everything had to be fine.

“Hyung...” he says back, taking off the headphones. “Hi”.

“Hi.” I replay, stopping as far away from the chair as possible. I didn't like that place, because being there meant remembering Taehyung. It meant that Yugyeom was having a rough day. “Are you busy tonight?”

 _I need some time with you, can you stay the night with me, Yugyeom? Thataway I could tell you everything I've hidden and you could help me do the right thing. Maybe that would help you too._ I want to say to him, but I quit as soon as his little fake smile opened up.

“No that I can remember.” he answers taking his things. “Why? Are we going out for a drink? Say yes, please. I really need to get drunk”.

 _Why is it so easy to pretend you're all right Gyeom-ah?_ I think watching his face light up falsely to me. _Maybe I should start saying I understand and that I know things aren’t going well_. I grip the strap of my backpack.

“Yugyeom...”

“Huh?”

 _Maybe I should take you home and put you on my lap. You seem to need it more than I do_. I squeeze my lips.

“Hyung?”

I smile.

“First of all…” I point to the clock. “Today is Wednesday. So put your fucking drunk soul away from me. Thank you!” say turning my eyes to his sad face. _Maybe I should leave to tell you something when things are better_. When I have the courage to take my consequences. “And second of all... it's kind of a date”.

 

“Remind me again why I have to submit myself to this fucking triple-date shit where I'm going to pretend that I’m not the fucking ‘hold the candle’ guy here?"

Bambam sniff out, get off the bike and get his blonde mess hair straight, mocking himself about never do a trip in a motorcycle from Itaewon to Jung-gu again in his life.

“Because he didn’t imply it was a _date_ , but don’t say this is a formal conversation about what happened at school too, so I don’t want to sound that I was expecting something from him...” he replies. And, of course, to me, this doesn’t make any sense since he was expecting something from this dude. “And because I ‘hold the candle’ for Lisa and you at the movies, and I didn’t complain for a minute. So you owe me!”

“The difference is that I wasn’t trying to fuck her back then and cannot say the same about you.” I remember him. “And Lisa was a great company… can’t say the same about him”.

“Yugyeomie!” my freaky blonde friend whimpered, grabbing my arm really tight. “I just don’t want to sound pretentious for considering something. Please”.

“I don’t get it. Isn’t it simpler if he just knows that you’re pretentious and ready to be fucked? You want to fuck him. Admit it and let me out of your fucking date for God’s sake”.

“Ya!” Bambam shrieks at me. “I don’t want to fuck him”.

“You don’t?”

He opens his mouth.

“Argh. Fuck you.” the corners of his mouth bowed in disgust, rolling his eyes too. “The point is if I go with a friend it will be less embarrassing if he has no interest in me” he bumbling, waving his hands. “If you do this for me, I'll do whatever you want”.

“Whatever I want?”

“Whatever you want…” he looks at me. “But n-”

“I want the Harry Potter’s limited edition your mother gives to you”.

“Oh… Yugyeom… fuck you!” he makes a sad face. “For real? I just love Harry Potter too much, man. You can’t get my soul in place?”

“Harry Potter limited edition or no sex for you”.

“Shit…” Bambam sighs. “Okay”.

“Okay?” I narrow my eyes. “Really? Are you going to give it to me?”

“Yeah… but only if you're nice with Jinyoung hyung”.

“Are you for real?” I laughed. Bambam was obsessed with Harry Potter, not even his mother was allowed to get close to his limited edition. He nods. “Fuck yes. Deal!” I turn toward the stairs. “Come on hyung, I have a jerk to tolerate while you melt all over him”.

Bambam's smile turned gigantic ridiculous when he finally saw Park Jinyoung — it was when I wanted to understand why the boy was always in the social outfit — that was sitting cross-legged at a remote table checking his phone.

He lifted his head when he heard his name and greeted Bambam with a quick hug. I noticed them that I hadn’t been the only one to discover my participation in that dinner at the last minute.

“Bambam-ssi…” _why Jinyoung is wearing a turtleneck on a hot night?_ He was so fucking weird. His lips crash against my best friend's make-up cheek, but his eyes were on me as if I were a fucking ghost. “I'm glad you're here. I was worried.” He said, apparently sincere. I stuck my tongue, impatient. “Kim Yugyeom, right?”

“Huh?”

“Are you Kim Yugyeom… right?” I nod bored, with my hands still in my pockets. He asks us to sit down. “I didn’t know you were coming”.

“Yeah man, me too. He fucks forced me.” I say with an ugly smile on my face. “Just as you will be forced to deal with me for this wonderful and torture night”.

“Yugyeom!”

“It's all right Bambam-ssi. It must be uncomfortable to have dinner with someone you don’t know.” the man in black smiled at the blonde one, who sat happily by his side at the table. _Ewc_.

I was really _really_ doing my best to stay true to my desire to have Harry Potter edition because when they started a conversation showered with laughter and many touches, I just sang a song countless times in the mind instated of saying something bad.

They were disgusting.

Sometimes Jinyoung seemed close enough to end up falling on Bambam’s lap. And even if we were in a public restaurant, they didn’t seem to care — they would end up having sex on the table in front of everyone, with clothes and everything.

I sighed softly, taking my phone out of my pocket:

 **me**  
Jaebeom hyung?

 _1min ago_  
Hyung ~ ~ ~?!

 **the best hyung**  
What's up Gyeom?

 **me**  
What are you doing?  
I'm bored  
I’m the fucking hold  
the candle boy for Bambam

 **the best hyung**  
Bambam has a date?

 _1min ago  
_and I am studying TT ~ ~!

 **me**  
a dickhead that he got this time  
and he dragged to this shit

 

 **the best hyung**  
HAHAHA ~ ~  
Just get out from here Gyeom

 _2min ago_  
and stop accepting  
every deal he makes

 _1min ago_  
he's not a kid anymore and you  
don't have to do everything he wants.

 **me**  
Easy to talk when you don’t  
need to deal with him

 **the best hyung**  
that's true

 **the best hyung**  
Yugyeomie, I love talking to you  
but... I have to study

 _1min ago_  
Can I call you when I'm done?  
I promise I'll repay you, okay?

And before I can beg Jaebeom to quit studying and talk to me, he leaves Kakao and leaves me alone with the two lovebirds.

I moan frustrated.

“Is everything okay?” Park Jinyoung’s deep, hoarse voice — he was probably an avid smoker — makes me raise my eyes. Bambam wasn’t with us. "He went to the bathroom.” I nodded. “Why did you come?”

“Wow!” The way he had asked sounded rude, but nothing would make me lose my new limited edition. I breathe deeply. “Bambam forced me to come. So don't worry, I'm not happy to be here either”.

“Huh. I see.” Jinyoung seated, analyzing me. “And how have you been Yugyeom-ssi? Things go well in school and in your life?”

I stop drumming.

There is no pretension in his voice because it was a question that really validates and without any arrogance. Like he really cares.

“Did you think about what Jae said?” he asks me. “About going to our teacher's office and-”

“I don't have a problem, dude.” I interrupt him. “I have nothing to say and don't want to know what you think you know about me, I'm fine”.

“It wasn’t what-”

“I don't care.” I repeat myself, steady. His inexpressible brown eyes smiled in a suggestive manner, as if he were waiting for that kind of behavior, since he didn’t seem surprised and not even affected by the brutality in my voice.

Jinyoung settles, straightening himself in his chair at the same instant that Bambam returns.

We made our orders and ate — them as they chattered excitedly and I quietly — until we were too full. I was satisfied because I had eaten well on a Wednesday and because I wouldn’t pay a penny for what we had consumed.

“No, that's not true.” Jinyoung's nasal laughter draws my attention again. “But it is estimated that about 1% to 3% of the general population is psychopathic”.

When they had begun to talk about this subject?

“Wow! That's surreal”.

“Yeah, this is. And that means that one in thirty people can be diagnosed as a psychopath.” the professional and firm manner as he explains almost makes him colorful him the midst of all his black garments. I watch silently while Bambam asks him questions and he always smiles when he responds. Like he really liked Bam. “That test is called PCL-R Hare scale Bambam-ah”.

When did they change the honorific for something so intimate?

I analyze Bambam’s happy face and I pucker my nose.

They needed a room.

“What's the use of this... I don't know the name” my best friend smiles silly like he usually does when he's flirting with someone. “The…?”

“Hare Scale PCL-R.” The blacked-hared one repeats passing his fingers on Bambam’s blonde hair. I automatically sit right in the chair, suffocated by the sexual tension between them. “It's basically a data collection analysis. The test was designed to safely and objectively assess the degree of dangerousness and readapt ability from prisoners to go back in their community life.” he explains, still smoothing Bambam’s blonde hair. It was only then that I realized what was making them reddish. One of Jinyoung's hands wasn’t visible. I feel my stomach ache. "It was like, _uh_ , they tried to present consistent indices of the reduction of their criminal recurrence”.

“When they are approved in this test, they go back to living in society, don't they? Did any of you ever go through and like, didn't want to live with other people again?”

" _I cannot go back to society, my soul has been too corrupted to live with other people…”_ I whisper complacent to something invisible. “ _I'd rather be left in the dark while the others are left here. Here, the world of the living, all were left with marks of my wickedness. I'd rather be left in the dark, where I'm not seen by myself_ ”.

“Are you quoting Will Grant3, Yugyeom-ssi?" I raise my eyes to realize that, again, I was speaking aloud something that should be said inside my head. I used to read about psychopaths, people who had spent years in jail before they were released for some stupid reason. Will Grant was the only one who hadn’t accepted his freedom. “Whoa!”

“Who is Will Grant?” my best friend wants to know with his unformed expression. He was the smart guy in the group, not me. “Huh?”

“A serial killer who had good results after years of prison. The Hare scale pointed out that mr. Grant was rehabilitated to live in society, but he preferred to remain in prison”.

“He died in jail.” I say. “And that's good”.

Bambam's lips form a perfect ‘O’ and he nods.

I rub my finger over the tattoo on my forearm.

“Is this scale like a lie test?” Bambam returns to his conversation with Jinyoung. “Do you ask a few questions and then you know when the person is healed or not?”

“Healed isn’t the right word for this”.

“But a psychopath isn’t a sick person?” my best friend asks again and I feel compelled to say something. “So if you're listing things to say whether they're okay or not, it's basically a way of seeing if they're healed”.

Park Jinyoung smiles amused, hesitant.

“Some scholars have this line of reasoning and I cannot deny this fact to you” he says, moving away from a little. “but I think it's a little deeper than a simple disease you know. It’s much more than just this.” The gleam in his eyes becomes so sweet that I see myself smiling at such a passion in his voice. Only two people had that same gleam in their eyes when they spoke of something they loved: Taehyung and Jaebeom.

Taehyung loved his brothers and this was a love so strong and genuine that his eyes glittered when he talked about the things he hoped for their future.

Jaebeom was in love with someone without a name. Someone who made him smile like an idiot and made that shine touches our souls.

They both had that sparkle, just like Park Jinyoung.

“So we cannot classify it as a cure, but as a kind of rehabilitation it must be constant so they can live in a society”.

“Wow. Intense.” Bambam let out a breath of air. “Did any profile get you noticed? In Yongsan”.

“I cannot say that. I'm sorry”.

“Oh hyung. We’ll not tell anyone. Huh?”

Bambam pout.

Jinyoung sighs cracking his neck, pulling the air between his teeth.

“Some people called attention. Yeah.” the brunette responds without really answering, his eyes fixed on Bambam’s pale face. “We talk with your principal and the cops about them...” He says as his eyes turn to me as if it were a warning. “Sheriff Kim made some people available”.

“I knew I recognized the new security!” Bambam practically shouted. I sigh. "I told you he was the cop who worked with your father and you called me crazy”.

“Whatever”.

“Don’t tell anyone, okay?” Jinyoung asked pressing Bambam in his arms, who smiles and gives him a kiss on his cheek.

“Oh fuck off… Get a fucking room you two.” I think too loud and my best friend kicks me under the table. “ _Ouch!_ Okay! Sorry”.

We argued aloud about who might have caught SKKU student’s attention, but Jinyoung stopped us with a question.

“Kim Dahyun?”

“Yes. We know her.” Bambam says against my will. “She's been our friend since freshman.” He continues. “Why?”

“Nothing too serious.” Jinyoung lie. I know this because when he smiles his eyes don’t tighten and create wrinkles in the corners. “I just wanted to meet her”.

“Are you bi be any chance?” His eyes widened, surprised by Bambam's question. Jinyoung chokes on his drink. “Huh?”

The older man raises his eyebrows.

“That would be a problem for you Bambam-ah? Your profile shows that you don’t like to split things up. Possession”.

“Well, yes sweet… I wasn’t born to be the _other_.” The blonde-haired complains as he walks away. I bite my cheeks. Was it wrong to laugh? Bambam is so stupid. “I've tried once and you can assure that it doesn’t work very well. So if that's the case, tell me and we'll block our numbers”.

Park Jinyoung and I burst into laughter.

“Fuck man” I say, wiping the corners of my eyes.  “Even I am ashamed of him now” whisper to Jinyoung. “This is an ugly shit”.

“Right?”

“Shut up you two!”

“Ya. You man make you mad and I need to shut up?”

Bambam cough crosses his arms.

Jinyoung laughs more.

“I'm not bi Bambam, that's not why I want to know her better”.

“Then why?”

“I cannot tell you”.

His eye concerned with her expression.

“Should I worry about her?” it's Bambam who asks.

“No, you have nothing to worry about her. I guarantee.” He lies again. I rub my hands on my thighs and feel uncomfortable knowing that something was wrong, that Jinyoung wasn’t telling us everything. “Can you invite her out with us any day? Huh? Can you _possessive one_?”

Thanks to that dinner I discovered some interesting things:

 **1st** Kunpimook Bhuwakul is a real slut and I love him.  
**2nd** Park Jinyoung is passionate about what he does and is a big liar.  
**3rd** Some of Yongsan's students had been named as suspicious profiles and my father had made available his men as security guards.  
**4th** , and perhaps the most interesting discovery of all: Kim Dahyun, who was my friend for three long years now, could be on the suspect list.

As soon as I got home was greeted by mom’s worried look, who complained that I had left without saying where was going at that time. She only relaxed after hearing me explain that Bambam had dragged me to hold a candle on his date — which would probably end up in a motel room since the blonde decided to return home with Park Jinyoung.

And of course, we laughed at their bad pranks and ate popcorn while watching a bad movie on TV until we went to sleep and were awakened by our alarm scattered around the living room. Dad hadn’t come back because he had made a double trip to the police station.

When I finally went up to my room, hurrying to take a shower, I couldn’t help myself but think of the things I had heard from the psychology student last night at our dinner.

“Should I have asked about Kim Hansol?" I asked to my reflection.  I take the brush out of the makeup case. “Maybe Jinyoung could tell what he had…” I sigh. _Me_. I inhale, dragging the bristles over my neck. “Would he know what I have?”

 **Look here, I put her to you all see the twenty-fourth to die.  
**— Kim Hansol*.

  1. Will Grant. It’s a fake name, just like his quote. Will Grant is a personification of Will Graham from Hannibal TV series.



* this is the phrase found next to the body of the dead girl… was it a message left by Hansol before dying?


	7. F I V E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I look up, seeing the memorial from afar, and for some reason, I roll my eyes toward Kim Hansol's grandmother grave, who had been buried there before everything happened and who was receiving all the negative messages left for her grandson.
> 
> I stop breathing, reading the red scrawl on her grave:

 

 

 

The bitter tears poured over graves are  
words that have not been spoken  
and actions not taken.

— Harriet Beecher Stowe. 

 

The weekend had come as fast as the rain had stopped. Before Saturday, between Wednesday and Friday, Rosé had informed everyone about Jeon Soyeon's death and Yongsan’s dangerous streets.

She also reported that the school team and the community were adopting a self-defense program — as if learning to kick was enough to prevent a fucking bullet in everyone’s forehead — with the PE teacher and ms. Williams, our new principal, from the naval force in the United States.

It was the most two tiring days in my life, not because we were beating each other with gloves but because we had to do it for forty-eight straight hours non-stop.

It was frustrating and tiring need to be around so many people for so long time. However, in the end, we all survived until Saturday.

Even so, most were still on high alert, because Hansol's list could still be rescued by some lunatic — the new theory wasn’t only about problematic teenagers with access to fire guns, it was that Seoul school bombings were religious manifestations.

When I got home on Saturday, my back ached for having slept for two straight days on a mat and I had to hear my father ask me how I should behave if something happened.

“Find a safe place and call for help”.

“What if you can’t find a safe place?” my father wanted to know, authoritarian as only he could be. I sighed bored. “Huh?”

"I must throw myself down and pretend I'm dead”.

“Right. The best strategy is to stay calm, find a safe place and call for help. If you cannot do it, pretend you've been shot down and stay there until you're sure you can run”.

 _Run_.

I wasn’t running?

After making me go over the ‘plan’ two more times, he pulled me out of bed to show what my PE teacher had taught us.

Mom needed to do three bandages on dad's face because he was getting slower because of his age and I hadn’t kate it easy when we started punching each other.

Hours later, when I slept for real for the first time in two days, I get an SOS message from Bambam saying we needed to go to Hongdae.

“Damn it. It was so hot in the morning and now looks like we're in the fucking pole north.” I clench my teeth. I was terribly sorry that I didn’t pick up a jacket. “Why are we here again?”

“Park Jinyoung.” that's all he says before showing the pass _club day 4_ and pulling me between everyone. That was the third nightclub I was forced to go and I swear to God I thought Bambam was just looking for the best place to stay, not for Park fucking Jinyoung. “He's ignoring me for real” my best friend shouts. “Then I'll tell the truth about that guy. He cannot use me like that!”

“Hyung...” I call him. “I told you that guy was an asshole”.

“Shut up Yugyeom. I don’t care about what you say.” the blonde one ignores me, pushing people as he heads to the bar. “Hi!” he smiles at the bartender. “Can you tell me who has the guest list?”

“You're like a jealous  _lover_ …” I whisper in his ear.

“My boyfriend sent me a message saying he was in a nightclub down the street, but that idiot forgot to tell me the name.” Bambam was ridiculous. “It's our fucking five-year anniversary, you know? I need to find him.” I laughed blandly, moving away from him. “Please?”

I had a drink when he came back.

“The bartender doesn’t want to tell me anything.” Bambam complained as he sat next to me. “He said someone named Saori has the list, but she cannot tell me who she is”.

And without saying anything, he pulls me and drags me.

We went into five more clubs.

“Hyung!” I shout, pulling him by the back of his neck. “Look at that motherfucker. Fuck finally I can go back home!”

I was so happy that we finally found that Park idiot Jinyoung that I almost wanted to scream his name in the crowd.

I take a step toward him, but Bambam grabs my shirt and pulls me into the bar. He is visibly frustrated and sad.

 _Great. I missed my night for nothing_.

“Embarrassed too much?”

"Yes…" my friend whimpers, lying on the counter. “Shit”.

“Shit.” I reply sitting too. “Hey. See me five servings of pure vodka, please. My friend must drown his sorrows”.

When the bartender finished filling the glasses, Bambam took them one by one and turned them all at once. I  lifted my eyebrows in surprise.

“Okay, okay… drown this pain, my dear. It’s okay”.

“Gyeom-ah!” the platinum whined loudly. “Why the hell am I doing this, huh? Why am I chasing him? God”.

"Because he uses you and then leaves you without even saying goodbye?"

“Yeah. We have this… but I was the one who said I just wanted sex”.

“You didn’t have to give me confirmation that this really happened, but thank you very much.” I cry, drinking my first one. “Wow, fuck! This is really strong, God…” I choke listening to the barman laugh. “Anyway, if you said that, why were you so angry that he ignores you?”

“Ah... because... I don’t know!” Bambam growled between his serrated teeth. “I don’t know, okay? I think... ah... forget it”.

_Fuck._

I take another dose.

I decide to ignore Bambam for my own good and turn my eyes to everyone because I need someone’s company right now.

I had come to one or two gay clubs because of Bambam and Jaebeom. But never one like that place. Like… people in that place seemed to be having sex in their clothes, rubbing in each other on the dance floor.

In one corner, two girls shared something that seemed to be a vibrator in their mouths. In the other, three boys exchanged a kiss full of tongues and hands and probably germs because... _ewc_.

It was different from what I had seen.

Bambam pokes me in the face.

“What?”

“Pay attention, damn it!” He yelled pulling me by the collar, unbuttoning my shirt in the process. “Go and get his phone”.

I opened my eyes.

“You're fucking kidding with my fucking face, are not you?”

“No?!” he bites his lips. “Okay, I'm going to be very honest with you right now because I think you’re judging me…” I lick my tongue, a gesture that mom says I always do when I'm starting to get really angry. I fold my arms in anticipation. “Ah… don’t get mad, okay?”

“Split this out already”.

“I recorded myself…” Bambam swallows hard. “Fucking with Jinyoungie...” he let out the air that he hadn’t even realized he was holding. “Calm down, please Gyeomie”.

“Calm down? Okay… let me… okay. Do you remember when we were in 2sd year and you decided to have sex for the first time and then that Ten assholes convinced you to record and then the video ended up in the fucking whole school or did you lose your fucking memory? Huh?”

Bambam swelled his cheeks, embarrassed.

“I am sorry”.

"Feeling sorry will not help you here you fucking idiot!” I squeeze my temples. “Where you do this? On his phone?” he nods his head. “Do you have a password? Bec-”

“It's a square. It starts from the left and ends at the last ball on the right. Upwards.” Bambam say quickly. “I-I sort of snooped around when he was going to text someone”.

“A fucking jealous _lover,_ that's what you're!” I drink my last dose, looking at Bambam wanting to kill him. “I'll regret it, right?”

“I love you Gyeom-ah. Fighting!”

My whole existence was a collection of problems.

I had been through a fucking terrorist attack. My grades were falling more than a roller coaster, needed to get into UNI and couldn’t score the fucking entrance exam note because I was scared to fuck myself because of my bad grade.

Even worse than all this... It was a problem for my family. And I was still being tormented by Kim Taehyung who suddenly decided to appear in my dreams to make me cry at night.

I had enough trouble already, but Bambam didn’t know that and kept forcing me to do things that could hurt me in the name of _our long friendship_.

When I finally get to the middle of the club, the music turns me a bit more comfortable, because I think of an alternative to make our meeting plausible and ‘totally’ by coincidence.

I started to move on the dance floor to the sound of Rihanna, looking suspiciously at Bambam in the bar before opening my shirt button again.

_The mood is set (huh huh)  
so you already know what's next (uh huh, uh)_

I put my hand around my neck, moving my hips slowly as I felt other bodies touch mine in the middle of the club. Closed my eyes for a moment, trying to give myself and when I let it go for real, I moved my feet toward the corner where the older man was, moving my hips:

_I know you hearin' me (ohhhh)  
you got me moanin' now_

Suddenly, I felt an icy liquid drench my back and I knew it was time to turn around and make a scandal. I opened my eyes.

“What the fuck!” shouted shaking my dirty hand of alcohol, wetting the people who were sitting on the sofa. I looked up, facing a worried boy who apologized. “Are you for real man? Don’t you have ey-”

“Yugyeom-ssi?”

I blinked and peeked over the shoulder of the boy in front of me, who also turned to face his friend:

“Great! That shitty night”.

“Do you know him, Jiny?” one guy asked looking at me.

Jinyoung put his drink on the table and stood up.

When he came closer, I was finally able to see him.

I knew I was frowning because my forehead was tense. Park Jinyoung had tattoos scattered on his left arm and on both sides of his neck. I raised my eyebrows in surprise.

“Yeah. Are you okay?” he asked. He looked a bit drunk with his reddish cheeks. “I am sorry about him”.

I shake my head and pretend to be leaving:

“You came here alone?”

I stop, looking serious.

“I am with Bambam.” I answer coldly. “We are celebrating with some friends and I decided to dance a little, so your friend's slow-wittedness here came out of nowhere and wet me. Thank you”.

“He came out of nowhere?” Jinyoung giggles, folding his arms. The tattoo was a type of mandala that began at the wrist and ended at the elbow bone. “You're the one who never pays attention to what you do”.

I open my mouth to answer: _dear son of a bitch_.

“Jinyoungie, who's this hottie one?” a brown-haired, tired-looking guy asks me looking up and down. He sneered at his comment. “Aren’t you going to introduce him? Rude”.

“Why could he int-”

“This is Kim Yugyeom”.

I clench my teeth, try to remember that I was doing it for Bambam because he was an idiot and had recorded himself with Jinyoung. I bite my cheeks.

The tired-looking man introduces himself as Mark Tuan, saying he is Jinyoung's funniest friend. The one with blue hair and black mascara is Min Yoongi and seems disinterested. The redhead I bumped in is Jung Hoseok and he’s the more friendliest.

“Okay nice. It was good to meet everyone, now, bye”.

“Ya!” the eldest against them catches my attention. “Yugyeom-ssi…”

“What? What do you want your fucker?”

“Wow.” Mark laughs at Jinyoung. “He's always that way Jinyoung?”

“Ever since I met him”.

I roll my eyes.

“Ah, _sweetheart_ , you don’t have to be like that.” Mark says to me, I grind my teeth. “Look, I just want to praise you. Can I do this without taking a kick?”

“Yeah. Do it…”

They laughed visibly amused.

“I like bad boys, Jinyoung. I think I might fall in love if he continues to be like that.” The older man sighed as he stood up. He stopped in front of me. “Like, he can dance, right? I saw you dancing before bumped into Hoseok” That's what he says. I blinked in surprise that someone had noticed me. I swallow my saliva. Mark licked his lips. “So fucking ho-”

“Okay. I get it, I am hot.” I cut him off. Mark lifted his eyebrows and stares at my lips. “What is it _hyung_? Why you suddenly get flustered that way?” I smile. He sighs licking his lips. _Idiot_. “Ya, Monster SA Sullivan?”

I know that everyone was caught by surprise by the nickname because they started talking about age, and I even felt Jinyoung intending on my side, but I did not care.

“Your name is Min Yoongi right?”

“Look, if you think you can-”

“I don’t think anything hyung.” I interrupted again, swelling my cheeks, listening to Mark croak. “It's just that I was thirsty after this silly talk...” I say, looking back at the man in front of me. “Can you give me some of your drink?”

“What a fucker boy…” I heard Mark laugh as he put his hands on his hip. “Are you for real dude?”

“Yeah. Huh?” I turned to Yoongi again. “I think I deserve a free drink after everything your friends have done to me”.

“What did we do?” Jinyoung questioned. “What-”

“Harassment is a crime. Did you know that Jinyoung?”

“Ya!” Hoseok shouted, putting his hand in front of his mouth. I look to him with a huge smile. “He just called Jinyoung by the fucking first name? Really? Wow!” he smiles. “You are really crazy dude… I respect that”.

“Thank you.” I roll my eyes and guide me to the couch, sitting down next to the blue-haired boy who almost stands up. “Hyung?”

“Jinyoung...?”

Park Jinyoung stares at me with an inexplicable look and shrugs.

“Whatever. Just give it to him”.

I smiled, taking Yoongi’s glass, who stood still with my approach as Hoseok blabbered about never having seen Mark step back so fast with someone. And of course, Jinyoung studies me non-stop.

It takes some time to him sit on the couch by my side.

His friends talk non-stop when Mark replies not to give a shit about annoying boys — he was talking about me — and I take that opportunity.

I turn to Jinyoung, who has his eyes fixed on his phone screen.

“Don’t you think it's rude to stay on your phone while your friends are having fun alone?” I ask seriously. He sniffs and puts the phone in his pocket. A good place for me. I smile, saying in English.“ _Good boy_ ”.

“Good boy?” Jinyoung giggles bite his lip. “What are you doing Yugyeom-si? I mean... Yugyeom. Let's keep things fair since you called me by the first name, right?” I blink with a smirk on my face. “What are you doing?”

“Bothering you.” I say with a shrug. “What it look like?”

“Look-”

“Don’t. Look here you” I stop him, tilting my body towards him so that none of his friends can listen to, so I can sneak a hand through his pocket and take out his phone. “Next time I see you close to my best friend again...” I whisper, feeling his breath hit next to my cheek. “I'll fuck you up, _Jinyoung_ ”.

“Is this a threat?”

“What? Of course not… It's a friendly warning.” I standing up, giggle at his expression. “Oh, before I forget ... the next time that you get in my way, please, hold your pets. No one is forced to deal with their harassment”.

I smiled, turning away.

Even though the music was loud, I could hear Mark yelling at Jinyoung about his ‘new’ immature friend.

Bambam's sad face lit up as I stood by his side, pulling the device from my pocket:

“Holy shit!” he shouted, hugging me. “You're fucking amazing Kim Yugyeom. When I grow up I want to be crazy like you”.

I nudge him to let go and delete the video soon.

Bambam nods, first scouring Jinyoung's contact list and complaining about having his name changed. I almost screamed at him.

When he finally went to the gallery, he went sailing in the cloud:

“Unforgettable fucking?” I read the folder name and look at him. He just can be kidding me. “Really, Bambam? What kind of name is this?”

“A true name…” Bambam explains plainly. “Jinyoung fuck-”

“Less detail, more delete”.

When he finishes, with a relieved sigh, he points the phone at me, but takes it back:

“Wait. I'll save my contact with another name, so I can see what he's publishing.” I grimace, dissatisfied with his level of maturity. “Ready. Now you can return it to him”.

“And how will you do that?” Jackson, the bartender who was smarter than Bambam and who had just become our friend for the amount of time we'd talked about drinking some tequila and putting together a theft plan, says. “Do you want me to leave it to lost and founds?”

“No!” The platinum blonde growled at Jackson. “I know him enough to know that he would never lose his phone. So you have to give it back to him, Gyeom-ah”.

“This is serious?”

I was on the edge.

“Gyeom-ah!” Bambam murmured slyly, grabbing my cheeks. “If you do it, I swear I'll give you my cousin's number”.

“Liar”.

“I swear to my little finger, scout boy word even though I'm never a scout boy... I'll give you her number. Promise”.

I looked at Jackson:

“You are my witness”.

I took the device and marched toward the sofa again.

The problem with nightclubs is that people used to change places whenever they wanted, so of course, Park Jinyoung made my existence difficult by not being in the place where I had left him. _Shit_.

I walk around looking for some familiar face until I find Mark Tuan and Min Yoongi sitting in a corner. _Shit_.

“Ya, pervert guy!” I yell. He ignores me. “Ya! I am talking to you, idiot”.

“Dude… fuck off”.

“Oh. Like you too hyung.” I say ironic. “Where's that Jinyoung asshole huh? I have a message from my friend for that little _shank_ ”.

“You read Maze Runner…” I hear Hoseok's sweet voice behind me. He was so cute to be with Jinyoung that it hurt. “Cute”.

“Yeah. Yeah.” I reply impatiently. “Where that asshole?”

“Look... I really don’t like your attitude. At first, it was cute because you seemed hot, but now you're boring me huh”.

“Wow. It’s cool _hyung_ , the feeling is reciprocal. Now… Jinyoung?”

“For God’s sake. He 's in the fucking bathroom. Now get out of here”.

“Yoongi!” Mark yell.

“Thank you, _hyung_ ”.

The plan was simple. I would go into the bathroom, act like a complete arrogant jerk who was upset about my best friend's feelings and I could start a fight just to shove his phone back to his pocket. Perfect plan.

I mean, at least it would have been perfect if Park Jinyoung had really been in that damn bathroom. _Great_.

Turned on my heels ready to make enmity with Min Yoongi when a muffled voice caught my attention. I stare at the closed doors, sick with the possibility to see something that I don’t really want to see.

I sigh angry, giving a weak push at the first door that opens without making noise. I scrub the tip of my tongue into my tooth, moving toward the next cabin, nibbling at my lip as I move on to the next one.

I adjust my posture, standing in front of the third cabin.

Huh. I figured he'd have more tattoos.

One of them was larger than my left hand, it was on his chest that moved over his muscles in response to the swaying of his hip that hit some red-haired guy ass — who had his hands resting on the walls while he’s literally jumping in Jinyoung’s lap.

“Fuck. You’re unbelievable”.

I had a strange habit to say my thoughts aloud, because of course Jinyoung listens and ends lifted his eyes towards me, grabbing the boy’s neck as if he wanted to stop him from seeing me standing right in front of them.

The sarcastic smile that formed on his face forsee me was exactly what he would give Bambam if he had been caught him. I knew this because Jinyoung looked like the kind of person who fucks other people's minds that way for fun.

The boy on his lap holds in his hand, coughing for probably having difficulty breathing and moaning at the same time. I roll my eyes.

“If you'll finally act like a complete motherfucker and fuck anyone knowing that someone who really likes you can come in here any second…” the red-haired boy choked with my voice. “At least close the damn door and pretend you care about Bambam hyung feeling, Jinyoung”.

“What the fuck...!”

Park Jinyoung grabs the boy's hip, pushing him sharply out of the cabin, making me take a step back.

“What is it?” the man asks, looking startled between Park Jinyoung and me. “You have a boyfriend? Your… fuck you!"

He wears his pants, coming out of the bathroom.

“Look what you did, _kiddo_.” He says breathlessly, pulling the condom from his cock before closing the zipper and without taking his eyes off me. “Do you have any idea how long I didn’t fuck someone? Three weeks”.

“Really? Sorry… I give a shit about this.” he smiles. “What the fuck do you think you're doing, huh?” I ask, shifting my shoulders in disgust. Jinyoung frowns but doesn’t respond. “You dumped Bambam, this not a month since you broke up with him and you go around fucking whatever ass you get?”

“Yeah. What's the problem with this?” the corners of his lips stretch into a smile. “It's not like we had something serious, _kiddo_. It was just sex you know?” he says simplistic, leaning against the wall. “And he's the one who asked to be like that. So no, I don’t care if he's in the club I just want to fuck someone and you ruined it. Thank you”.

Park Jinyoung is a complete asshole.

 I always knew about from the start, that Jinyoung is a fucking asshole and I tried to put some sense in Bambam's head, but he never listens to me because he thinks Jinyoung’s some kind of princes.

I wanted to hit them both.

In Jinyoung because he had fucked with Bambam’s head.

“I could punch your face right now”.

“Do it.” Jinyoung says as he walked away from the wall, taking a long step toward me. I pounded my fists. “Huh? Do it Yugyeom-ssi”.

I smile angrily.

“Sorry, today I'd rather play like an adult.” I pulled his phone out of my pocket, watching his smug look disappear slowly. “I forgot to tell you, I have light hands”.

“Did you steal my phone?”

“He sent you an embarrassing message before he realized you were here and wanted to erase it before you saw it, so… yeah. I steal it for him, _sorry_.” Jinyoung laughs visibly annoyed, taking the phone from me.

“Say hi to him for me”.

I stopped.

“I'll give you a chance to not get into a fight with me, okay? You just have to stay away from him” I suggested clenching my fists. Jinyoung giggles, lean against the wall. “He deserves much better than you, Park Jinyoung. So stay away from Bambam”.

— ❖ —

I should have come home after leaving Bambam, but the sunrise was beautiful enough to make me keep on piloting.

When I finally decided on a destination, the sun had already been born in the beautiful morning sky.

I spread my hands over the dirt-covered, making a mental note to inform the school that the student’s memorial needed to be cleaned.

I reach for his name.

Kim Taehyung born in Daegu.

Daegu is two hours and thirty minutes away from Yongsan and was where his body was buried next to his family. All that remained of his existence in that place was his name engraved on the marble memorial of the Yongsan School in Itaewon Cemetery.

“Hi, Tae hyung.” I inflate my cheeks. He said he thought I was cute when I did that. “How are you up there?” I ask, sitting down. “You know, a lot has happened in the last few months that you haven’t been here. Mrs. Kang keeping saying that it is cold in heaven and that everyone’s souls are probably frozen.” I shake my head in disbelief at that nonsense. “Can you believe her? She’s so crazy”.

Go to the cemetery to see Taehyung had become a tradition. Whenever I really tried to keep me under control. I can’t mess or bully anyone, can’t start fights. I can just stay in silent with that fucking abyss inside me. A tradition to honor Taehyung because a healer told me that taking time for the dead people could heal the soul.

“Oh. Bambam met a guy some time ago, a college daddy boy who has an expensive car and a rotten personality.” I roll my eyes. “He's as stupid as everyone else, but you don’t have to worry because that asshole dumps him already. Everything is under control”.

I tear off some roots, making room for the flower arrangement that was barely positioned near the memorial stone.

“I also met a grumpy face. Of course, I didn’t say it aloud, but I like him? Yeah. He’s so rude.” I say referring to Min Yoongi. “Ah… and someone named Hoseok, who was very sweet and gentle. You would have liked them both hyung”.

_I miss you._

I wish Taehyung hadn’t gone to class that day.

I lowered my head, biting my lips as my eyes burn.

“I think there's something wrong with me, hyung.” I whisper still with my head down. “Since you've been gone... I feel like I'm missing something very important.” I narrow my eyes. “When I get angry, I tell myself it's your entire fault. I mean, you got me used to your presence then you died… why you have to die?” I whisper the last part, tearing off some broad leaves of grass. “You-”

I shut up.

Something behind me had broken.

I turn sharply, feeling my neck ache.

People didn’t usually go there at that time because it was forbidden. I had jumped the wall. So… how was leave the flowers?

They didn’t look like old flowers.

I got up and took my helmet.

Yellow light covered the walls of the graves and although I cannot see well from a distance, I can swear to see someone descending the staircase.

I leave Taehyung behind and walk, watching the person turn around to look at me — his face is into a shade lighter because of the hood. When I think of running, the shadow runs in front and the light illuminates his body, letting me see Yongsan School emblem in his jacket.

I stop running when I see him getting into a taxi that quickly disappears on the street and leaves me behind with a huge doubt. Who else was invading the cemetery at that hour?

I look up, seeing the memorial from afar, and for some reason, I roll my eyes toward Kim Hansol's grandmother grave, who had been buried there before everything happened and who was receiving all the negative messages left for her grandson.

I stop breathing, reading the red scrawl on her grave:

**WE STILL HERE. WE ARE WATCHING EVERYONE.**

  1. **Pass Club day**. It's a kind of "pass" that you can use to get into all the clubs. From what I have been able to research, it is a little expensive.



 

 

 

 

 


	8. S I X

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I'll see you on Tuesday, at Jinyoungie.” Park Jimin's sweet voice say before he could catch my gaze. The boy bent down: “Be patient, Yugyeom-ssi. I know Jungkook will forgive you one day”.
> 
> I opened my hand automatically, receiving the neckless from Jinyoung.:
> 
> “Thank you for letting me see that Yugyeom. Now I really understand”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to apologize for the time it took me to make this update. I ended up spending some time enjoying UNI vacations, but now I promise to make the updates more often.  
> I hope you guys have not given up on this fanfic!

 

 

  
It is man's own mind, not his friend or adversary,  
that draws him to the evil ways and  
corrupts him gradually into madness.

— Buddha and Sant. 

 _Paranoia;_  
feminine noun  
psiq: "a term introduced in psychiatry to designate psychic problems that take the form of a  
systematized delirium. Paranoia encompasses above all the chronic forms of relationship  
delusions, jealousy and persecution, and so-called paranoid schizophrenia”.

I close Google.

It had been six days since I had come to visit Yongsan School’s memorial and saw the hooded person — which had probably written the macabre message on ms. Kim grave that night — and couldn’t stop thinking about it as if I were in a horror movie.

 _Paranoia_. It was how Google named all my new emotions.

It started with a simple throb on Monday when Park Jimin accidentally threw a football bag into the cupboards and caused a tremendous buzz, which intensified in my head over the week and worsened. _Paranoia_.

After three months without any emotional expectation, I was in frustration when I met Park Jinyoung, who had gone back to talking with Bambam — ignoring all my threats and ugly faces whenever he came to collect more data for his research. Then I went through anger, which makes me wanted to hit people at every single moment.

Now, after experiencing troubling feelings, I was fucking paranoid. At least that is what Google suggested — besides suggesting a medical appointment to confirm the diagnosis.

I stare at the notebook screen where an old photo — where Taehyung, Bambam, Jaebeom and I were smiling — stares back at me.

I sigh and close the screen before reaching for my key and jacket. If I was paranoid could not tell, but I was tired of that horrors circus that seemed to have no end. I was tired of being the victim.

“ _Gyeom-ah?”_ I grit my teeth. “ _Can you come here for a moment? Want to talk to you.”_ I could just skip and run away. “Son?”

“Yes?”

“Have you decided how much you want to sell that old thing?” he asked without taking his eyes off the TV. “I have a friend who's interested in giving her a fair amount. You can get good money from the sale”.

“Seriously dad? Haven’t we talked about this?” I look to him with an ugly face. “It was a gift from grandpa. I cannot sell it”.

“ _A gift that you don’t even clean!”_ mom shouted from the kitchen.

“Exactly!” he reinforced pointing to nothing, as if he said _like she said, just like that son_. “I know it was a gift from grandpa, but that thing's old and you don’t have time now, just imagine when you start UNI”.

“If I can get in, of course…” I whisper, staring at my fingers, making him take his eyes off the TV. “Just kidding!” but of course I was lying because I am not sure if I'll be accepted or not. “Look, I know there's a time I don’t dedicate myself to _Diana_ , it's that a lot had happened lately, but I cannot just sell her. I promised grandpa that I'd fix it before I went to college.” I say firmly. Dad sniff. “I am not selling it".

“Yugy-”

“Dad, no. I am not selling it!”

Dad gives me a serious look and sighs.

“Whoa, my little boy has grown huh?” mom's voice takes us by surprise. I look in her direction. “So grown up and yet so idiot like a little boy huh…” he teases me. “It's ok. Keep the bike, but devote some time to her for God’s sake. That thing looks like shit now”.

“But school-”

“Then sell it”.

Mom was really smart

“Okay. Jeez. I’ll devote some time to fix it”.

Dad laughs at my ugly face and shrugs.

He gets up, turning the TV off and says:

“You forgot to cover up this side.” I touch my neck. He nods. “That's it. Right there.” dad said with a sight. “Go up and cover it. You have to keep the promises you make. About _Diana_ too”.

— ❖ —

I found a solution to solve Diana’s problem following the week, thanks to Yoon Sanha who gave me the best idea of all. I could use Diana as a pre-project for mechanical engineering UNI — if I went to college, of course — next year.

To prove to my parents that it would work out I devote all my free time and the weekend to assess grampa’s bike condition before sketching a new design. I also checked my bank account to make sure I could afford it… I was broken.

Of course, I could always talk to my mom releasing some money from what I had earned on my last birthdays during those nineteen years. And of course it was difficult, but she let me win at the end.

On Saturday, I woke up before dad and spent the day inside the garage, cursing for not understanding what was wrong with the electrical system, since my calculations were correct. I was so annoyed that I ended up breaking Diana's mirror.

Frustrated, dirty and starving I heard mom scream about me letting her plants spend the whole day in the sun. I also heard my dad bullying me about how I could never finish anything right.

Things were the same on Sunday morning: mom complained, dad said I should give up and I just made the same mistakes while trying to convince myself that I could finish what I had started, but the truth is that, besides being wrong in calculations and modifications, I was eager enough to spend almost an entire hour pacing back and forth, complaining to myself about not being able to do anything.

At first, it was really hard to keep focused on what I really should be doing, because my dad was right when he told me that Diana was giving me so much trouble because I lost focus and was also right about me not having a clue about what to do first.

Mom had to call Jaebeom, who gave me a huge lecture and shouted that I needed to stay focused if I wanted to go to college.

Thanks to him, it was possible. It was difficult, but not impossible.

I was still tinkering with the electric system — sweaty, with my t-shirt tied over my head, hungry and dirty with diesel oil — when I heard him:

“Gyeom-ah?” it was Bambam. “Why are you here? You know how much I hate getting in here, it's messy and it stinks of car oil.” my best friend complained, stopping on the stairs. “Shit. My clothes will smell like oil now. People will think I was stealing gas”.

“No. They thought you were rubbing yourself in some valet or something like that, hyung”.

He shows me his middle finger.

Bambam was there to pay me for our deal about Jinyoung.

When I realized that I needed money, the first thing I did was change the terms of my agreement with Bambam. Instead of winning the Harry Potter limited edition, he should buy me an engine.

“Whoa!”

I look up.

“Who would say that Kim Yugyeom has tattoos. Damn _kiddo_ ”.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I ask angry, finishing dressing my shirt to protect me from his prey's eyes. Jinyoung points to the downtown in his hands. “Are you fucking kidding with me Bambam?”

“Aish Gyeom-ah.” He says slyly, punching my shoulder in disgust. I fold my arms. “I had to bring you-” Bambam paused with a smile directed at Jinyoung. “Birthday gift and he wanted to ask us a few questions. About Dahyun”.

“So? He can’t do it on campus. You had no right to bring that wanker here hyung. Fuck”.

“God, you really like insulting me.” Jinyoung forced a smile. I didn’t like him not just for being pretentious, but because he would end up hurting my best friend. “Ya Bammie, I said your friend hated me and we had better do it ourselves, did not I?”

I want to punch him for using that nickname.

“See? Even he uses his brain. Why don’t you use yours too?”

Bambam snaps his tongue.

I don’t know why, but he seems impatient.

“Honestly Yugyeom? I don’t know what your fucking problem is these days.” he told me seriously. “I am so sick of your behavior. You don’t want to be friends with Jinyoung, I understand and respect that but we agreed we would help them, right?”

“On-campus!”

“It’s the fucking same!” Bambam said taking the box from Jinyoung's hand and pushing it towards me. “Congratulations _daddy_ , your baby's heart cost my two eyes. I hope you're happy”.

“Thank you for do your part in this fucking deal”.

“Fuck you”.

Jinyoung leaned against the wall, watching us fight like two idiots before actually interrupting, saying that we could end it all if we stopped and simply answer his questions.

“Thank you.” he said relieved when Bambam said he would collaborate. “And you _catrina boy_? Will you stop hating me for no reason and will you help me here or not?” his mention of the tattoo on my neck, which I've been hiding with makeup ever since I moved to Yongsan, made me grind my teeth. “Huh?”

“No reasons? Are you sure I have no reason?” he smiles. “You've been a scrotum from the moment we saw each other in that damn interview dude!” I show him my point. “First you talk about Taehyung as if his death made me special, then suggesting that I was a fucking psych-”

“You hate me because you know I'm right.” Park Jinyoung's hoarse, serious tone cut me off. “I'm sorry if you cannot admit it, but Taehyung made you special because you cannot live with his death, but it's fine to pretending” Jinyoung shoots. He was so close now that he wouldn’t blame me if I punched him by reflex. His eyes scan mine. “And you have to go to the psychologist because you’re sick”.

“Jinyoungie!” Bambam screams, kneeling beside Jinyoung. “Oh my fucking God...” I hadn’t even remembered the box, which I dropped as I pounded the boy's knee in front of me. “Shit”.

I blinked dazedly.

“You deserved it.” Bambam said referring to the engine, which was probably damaged after that fall. “Hyung, I-”

“It’s okay. I’m fine.” Jinyoung says with a sigh. He sits on his legs and opens the box. I tighten my lips. “Oh fuck, I'm sorry about that Yugyeom-ssi…” the man says, took the box for me. “Bambam said it was an important gift. You drop it”.

I nod without a word.

It was important and now it was ruined because I couldn’t control myself.

“Whatever. It was his fault.” my best friend complained to his ‘boyfriend’, who stared at him with wide eyes. “It is the truth! Just be quiet, I'll get some ice. And you, Kim Yugyeom” he said, staring at me. “don’t do any more stupid things. Please”.

I sat quietly in a corner, watching Bambam move to kiss Jinyoung's cheek before going into the kitchen.

“I'm going to buy another one”.

I looked up.

“What?”

“I'm going to buy another engine.” I denied it, saying I do not ask him to buy me anything. “Bambam needed to borrow money from Hoseok because he didn’t have money enough. He spent more than he owed at the mall. He may be angry right now, but I know he'll feel bad at some point”.

I bit my lip.

“Please?” I heard him ask. “You don’t have to stop hating me, I just want to replace it because otherwise, he'll end up making more debt”.

I didn’t want to accept it.

Park Jinyoung would never be able to buy my patience, but I understood what he was trying to say. If Bambam had even had so much work to do his part of the deal meant that he would be really annoyed with himself. Even if the engine has been damaged because of me.

“Kiddo?”

“I can’t-”

“Tomorrow.” Jinyoung said seriously, closing the box. “I'll get you a new one. Bambam doesn’t need to know. Say you got it sorted... I don’t know, just make an apology and I’ll give you another one”.

I stared at him in silence, not wanting to argue after hearing from my best friend that I deserved to have lost something important because of my temper. Taehyung could probably be ashamed if he saw me.

I nodded.

“Hyung…” Bambam said immediately. “Here, put it on your face”.

“Thanks, Bammie.” Jinyoung smiled, sitting on mom’s plants' care table. “Now that we all calm down...” he chuckled. “We can talk? I have some questions about your friend. Dahyun”.

— ❖ —

“Okay. How much did he pay you to come?” my best friend asked, folding his arms. “He threatened you?”

I nod no.

“Whoa, Jinyoungie is a miracle saint himself, made you come with us and still left you without a sharp answer”.

“Fuck you”.

“Oh. Okay. He's back to normal.” Bambam shook his head up and down, patting the table. I rolled my eyes. “Excuse me, but I-”

“We will not talk about it”.

“But-”

“No!”

Park Jinyoung approached again, saying that they could enter the karaoke room. I didn’t understand why we needed to go to that place, I offered my house, but Bambam insisted that after a fight between friends should go out — of course, I went against my will.

When we stop fighting, Bambam takes control and shouted for me to go take a shower while he was buying another plant for my mom — which had broken because of me — and Park Jinyoung sat in my living room.

He was looking at my picture when I came downstairs, all neatly dressed in black clothes. His eyes searched my neck. It wasn’t long before he questioned my motive for covering my tattoos.

“What yours? You wear social clothes to hide them...” I say to him, ignoring his curiosity. “Are you going to tell me the reason behind it?”

Unlike me, Jinyoung said that unfortunately, he had an image to keep, that his parents needed him to do it because of the social rules, which implied constantly with who had a tattoo.

“Your turn.” his mouth twitched. “A catrina with wolves, red flowers, thorns and old ones in the neck...” he whispered thoughtfully as if he could see the image in his mind. “Illuminati symbol on the right side and a moon” Jinyoung continued. “A phrase in your chest... You have more?”

I stared at him earnestly, hoping that Jinyoung would forget about it and leave me alone. He smiles and gives up.

Bambam smashes his glass onto the table, pulling me out of my trance.

“... _this makes it plausible to think that the attacks were coordinated, you know_.” I scrape my nail over the handle. I just realized that he was staring me when he caught my attention. “What's the problem now catrina boy? Did you like my tattoos too much?”

“Shut up and ask what you have to ask”.

Jinyoung explained that Dahyun's profile had shown changes in personality and behavior. From what I understood, SKKU and school were worried and so they were creating a measure to help or contain it. Kim Dahyun. They want to contain Dahyun. Fuck. I couldn’t imagine that.

Bambam and I told everything we knew about Dahyun, since her arrival in Korea even the separation from her parents. It was strange, talk about her life that way, it seemed we were cheating on her.

“I read recently that a school was attacked in Busan. The boy was arrested, but so far, he hasn’t said anything to the cops.” Bambam bit his fingernail. “Some people think it's a satanic cult”.

“It wouldn’t be impossible. In most cases, cults do brainwashing you know? They do alienation and do ideological projection” the future psychologist ponders his answer. “Nowadays dominant personalities tend to come very easily into submissive personalities minds.” Jinyoung eyes turned to me. “It’s call dependence disorder.” I swallow hard, annoyed by his expression. “Those who suffer from this disease tend to follow dominators because they have no active voice”.

“Seriously?”

“Yes. They are usually people who have had traumas or who have extreme frustrations. They tend to feel weak, useless and disposable” the black-haired man explains, smoothing Bambam's hand. “It is even easy to recognize this kind of person. They are always submissive, hysterical, selfish... aggressive.” I squeeze the leather of the sofa. Park Jinyoung the great son of a bitch is looking at me as if you were describing me to Bambam. “So they are easily brainwashed”.

“Fuck…” Bambam’s surprised tone rings in my ears. “Just listening to you talk now, I've already listed like about twenty people that I know and who match the profile”.

Yes. Some people match their profile perfect. Including me.

When Jinyoung finishes all his questions, my fake model friend with slender legs got up saying he needed to cheer up after that conversation. He pulled me to buy candy.

I was trying to forget what Jinyoung had said, the way his eyes had looked at me as I was drawn into the dark sea that lay inside me, in troubled thoughts and uncertainties that I had never recognized before.

The hole in me was deep and so far from the outside world that I didn’t notice when two boys — one with pink cotton candy hair and the other with dark hair — approached us.

“Ya. Kim Yugyeom?” Bambam called, waving his hands in front of my eyes. “Are you feeling something? You’re so pale”.

“Jungkook...” I whisper. Park Jimin's pink hair makes me look away from him. “Ah. Hello Jimin-ssi”.

No one says anything.

We just stare at each other for a long time.

Maybe that's why Jinyoung left the room complaining.

“What's happen?” He asked Bambam, who whispered something and sighed. “Oh. Sorry...” Jinyoung cleared his throat. “Ah… okay. This is weird, so let me introduce myself. I'm Park Jinyoung, Bambam’s boyfriend”.

I turned skeptical to Jinyoung.

Had he just introduced himself as Bambam's boyfriend?

“Jeon Jungkook” my ex-best friend said. “And this i-”.

“Park Jimin.” Jinyoung smile. I look at him. What? “Yes, we know each other…” Jungkook looks at Jimin the same way I’m looking at Jinyoung. How can they know each other? “Look, it’s a pleasure to meet you Jungkook-ssi, but we have to go. I want my revenge against this boy over here.” he smiles to me. “Sorry”.

“Oh… okay”.

I stood staring at Jungkook and Jimin

“It must be very good, huh?” I say quietly, in a whisper. I hear Bambam moaning in anticipation. “Are you really doing well or are the rumors that you hate each other is real?”

“Yugyeom…” Jungkook sighed. “Let's not do that”.

“Why?”

“Gyeom-ah!” I felt Bambam pinch me. “Stop it, it's been a year. Just let it go. This fight is not worth it anymore”.

“One year? Whoaaaa.” I ignored my friend. “Can you believe Jungkook? We didn’t talk to a whole year”.

“And who's to blame for that?" Jungkook twists his mouth. “You hit Jiminie for no reason Yugyeom. Then you acted like it was my fault and I do not even know what happened!”

“He knows what happened”.

 “I don’t care if he knows!” Jungkook yelled at me. “You made my mother think I was messing with him, because everyone thought it was me who spank Jimin... and let's agree, he wasn’t in a position to say the opposite for weeks!” He gave a half-grumpy grin. “If someone is to blame for the end of this friendship, this pers-”

“Fuck you Jungkook.” I clenched my teeth. “You've never been so pissed that I punch anyone back then dude, you encouraged me more than anyone else. So I have a problem with your boyfriend and you decide to change and punish me for it? Oh, fuck you!”

“He is not my boyfriend...”

Both of them spoke at the same time as if they weren’t boyfriends were the important part of all that shit, when we knew that it wasn’t by far the surface of the whole problem.

“Please, you're making me embarrassed” Bambam whispered beside me, pulling me. “Gyeom, let's go”.

“You know what Yugyeom?” Jungkook caught my attention again, yelling. “It’s your fault. It’s not Jimin or my fault, it’s yours. You never want a friend, you wanted someone who covered up your shit. You choose to continue an asshole while everything else grows up!” Jungkook yells again, ripping the neckless I hadn’t noticed around his neck. Jungkook threw this at me. “You can have that crap back, I don’t want it or you in my life anymore… I should have forgotten your existence when you left Namyangju-si”.

“Jung-”

“I’m sorry Bambam… I try, okay? I try.” He says all smiles. Fuck him and fuck Jimin. I don’t need them. I sniff. “See you around Bambam. Bye”.

Bambam nodded without saying anything.

As Jungkook bumped into my shoulder, all I could do was keep looking at the neckless we had changed on our birthdays.

“I'll see you on Tuesday Jinyoungie.” Park Jimin's sweet voice say before he could catch my gaze. The boy bent down: “Be patient, Yugyeom-ssi. I know Jungkook will forgive you one day”.

I didn’t expect Jungkook to get rid of our friendship neckless. Our mothers found them in Egypt, because of a famous legend about two best friends who always reincarnated together to conquer the world.

I wore mine on my ankle.

I opened my hand automatically, receiving the neckless from Jinyoung.

“Thank you for letting me see that Yugyeom. Now I really understand”.

 


	9. S E V E N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “But it’s really good to see you, Seun-ah”.
> 
> “Ya…” the Chinese said with half-voice, taking a glass of soju without taking the eyes of Jaebeom. I looked at Yugyeom surprised and he gave me back the look with a nasty smile. “I think this is amazing the way we found each other again. Maybe we can work it out this time”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a long time, I managed to correct the chapter to publish it... and then at the end, I realized that I could publish two chapters at a time just because I was a long time away lol. 
> 
> I hope you like it!
> 
> And send me your opinion, I want to be able to know what you are thinking and improve my writing.

 

 

 

There's nothing funny about Halloween.  
This sarcastic party reflects, rather, an infernal demand  
for revenge by children in the adult world.

— Jean Baudrillare.

In the United States, Halloween is celebrated on October 31st, it is the day when children go to streets in look for treats or treats. In South Korea, we celebrate Halloween — or Chuseok — during August.

We have three days of celebration, where we visit some of our family’s mausoleums to offer drinks, food, and flowers with respect to our dead loved ones. However, with the popularization of American customs, other countries like Korea began to use October to celebrate Halloween with lots of alcohol and parties.

But there is nothing super special about Halloween, people rent spaces, buy costumes and drinks just like any other social event. There is nothing special on that day. At least not for people who were just having fun with their friends. Not for Yongsan students who had persuaded the principal to give them a ‘non-alcoholic’ celebration party.

And shouldn’t be special for Lila Art High School students too, who were partying on their campus with their families, teachers, and friends.

It happened at 3 o'clock in the morning on the first day of November. Two shooters groups turned everything into a tragedy. Eleven people were killed, forty-five seriously injured, one hundred and two had already given their testimony to the cops, eighty hadn’t had the misfortune to be at the party.

In the United States, October 31 it’s a fun day with music, food, and drink for everyone. In Korea, the day of the dead is celebrated in August, Chuseok. But after this year they should celebrate on the 31st, which now represented another shootout against a school.

The cops continue to say that the attacks are unconnected and suggest that we take care of our children and that we take precautions so that our children, friends, brothers, relatives can’t be one victim of these acts that have terrified everyone. In my opinion, authorities and the government should stop blaming us for not giving advice and should start taking real precautions.

These lunatics must be stopped.

This horror has to end.

Matter by **Woo Hye-rim** , editor-chief from **K MAGAZINE**.

 

“Perfect. This is so perfect.” as soon as I finish reading, Bambam’s voice, who now with gray hair, echoes in my ears. “I agree with everything she wrote. The government should take action”.

“Huh?” I place my phone on the table, staring at his cheeks full of food as he sits down. “What did you say?”

“Woo Hye-rim is a genius. She wrote an article about the bombings blaming the government, not the parents. I agree with everything she says”.

“Yeah, I don’t think she's wrong…” I sigh. “But I don’t think she's right either. It's a selfish article, written by someone who doesn’t know what it's like to be in a situation like that.” I say with a shrug. “I don’t think her words are sincere”.

“You always have to do this.” his blue lens eyes stared me. “You always have to act like people cannot talk about it because they've never lived it. It's an idiot”.

“No, it's just the truth”.

“People can b-”

“Empathy. Yes, you already told this to me.” I said without patience.

“And you're still a complete idiot. It isn’t because she hasn’t gone through this that she is not-”

“Whatever.” the corners of his lips tighten. “I don’t care.” I say with a long sigh. “Let's talk about something else, this stuff makes me bored as hell…” I bite a piece of pizza, looking at him. “And where's Jinyoung?”

Bambam's fake blue eyes widen at me.

“What?”

Bambam giggle, leaning against the chair.

“You know that we broke up.” my best friend refuses in anger. I try not to smile. He and Park Jinyoung had broken up in November when Bambam realized that Jinyoung was a complete idiot who was using him to get information about Dahyun. “Why are you trying to make me angry?”

“Sorry, I forget about this okay?” I lie. “You two still so close that I forget that little detail”.

It was funny that they had broken up because now Bambam had live with my annoying habit to say to him ‘I told you’. But Bambam was better now. He spoke less about Jinyoung and seemed less paranoid. The only problem was that both had decided to keep ‘friends’ for everyone’s good and they were almost always together.

What happened was this: Jinyoung had approached Bambam only to learn more about Dahyun, who was supposed to be the perfect profile for the eldest to mount his thesis and earn some extra points in his identity-profiling class or something like that.

“But seriously, he wasn’t coming to pick us at 3:00?”

“What time is it now?”

“4 o'clock”.

“Something must have happened.” my friend says in a short and deeper sigh. “Ask Mark hyung, he'll probably know something”.

Ah. As we had known Jinyoung in September, a lot happened in our lives until he and Bambam decided to finish what made them share a bed. For example, we had made friends with Park Jinyoung's friends — whom I had met at a nightclub.

Luckily, Mark Tuan and I didn’t end up filling us with punches. As soon as he was duly introduced the man with an interesting accent made a point of portraying himself with an apology, saying that he had no idea that I was straight and that he felt sorry for having harassed me — and I said that even if I wasn’t straight, nothing gave him right to harass someone who didn’t want him.

We fight this day but he was a good person. A little close and shy at some times to times, but a good person. Mark and Jinyoung had met in college. This happens a year after Jinyoung started psychology at Sungkyunkwan University.

And because Jinyoung Mark met Jackson Wang — the same Jackson who had helped us steal his best friend phone without saying a word to fucking stop us. They had met when they were fifteen. The Chinese had moved to Korea and Jinyoung had to be transferred from class because of his age, where they ended up sitting together. Jackson was by far Jinyoung's most amusing friendship, so I really love his company.

There was also Jung Hoseok and Min Yoongi. Both worked at the nightclub with Jackson and Choi Youngjae — who supposedly wore a fake identity and a shoe with a two-inch heel to look more ‘adult’ — that was by far the best part of our dysfunctional group.

“Yugyeom?” Bambam snapped his fingers in front of my eyes, catching my attention. “Are you coming? Jinyoung hyung is waiting”.

I looked away from his face, checking how much time I had lost in my world dream. _20 min_. Had been off the air for 20min.

“Yugyeom?”

“Yes. Yes.” I answer, blinking. “I’m coming”.

I grab my jacket and backpack, follow Bambam, where a black-haired Yoongi greets us with a smile.

“Black?” I ask, wrinkling my brow. He moves his hair, sketching an even bigger smile. “Everyone decided to dye hair this week?”

“It looks good right?” Yoongi asks me, getting into the car. “Did you fall in love with my new self Gyeom?”

“Wow. Definitely!” I widened my eyes at him, tossing my backpack under the seat. “You were so hot that if I wasn’t straight, I could grab you and kiss you right now hyung".

Yoongi shrugged, putting his tongue over his lips:

“Thank God we're both straight them because you're not my type”.

“And I thought I had a chance… fuck”.

“You two have mental problems.” Bambam laughed beside me, putting on his seatbelt. “Oh, did you hear about the news? Park Jinyoung, who is still only in the fourth semester” he says mockingly, patting Jinyoung on the shoulder. “had the best pre-test than Sungkyunkwan University you know? At least in his course. Of course”.

“Yeah. Apparently his lost time in Yongsan made good achievements for our boy”.

Yoongi's speech had caught my attention.

I follow with my eyes to the mirror, catching a glimpse from Jinyoung's face, which drove in deep silence.

“You used Yongsan interview data, didn’t you?” I try to find his gaze in the mirror, but he keeps them on the road. “I thought the data would be used to help the students, to help the cops identify suspects, not for you to get a damn A”.

“Okay, okay. Calm down sweet…” I heard Bambam sigh. “Not now”.

“So when hyung?” I ask. “Wasn’t he the one who said it was unfair that they were using what happened at Yongsan to get them to sell magazines and newspapers?”

“Gyeom-ah. Calm down for fuck sakes”.

“I am really calm Yoongi.” I answer him, seriously. “I’m just confused with Jinyoung's ideals discrepancy. I mean, he told us he'd filed everything, didn’t he? That nothing but Dahyun’s profile had called attention...” I giggle without humor. “Now you tell me he got an A because he used Yongsan interviews? Things about people who trusted in you and thought you would help them? Really?”

“Yugyeom...” Jinyoung's husky voice call my name. “I cannot do that while I drive. Let's wait until we get there”.

“What interview did you use ?!” I want to know. “It was Dahyun's? Did she stop going to class because of this? It's your fault right?”

“Gyeom, stop this.” Yoongi says calmly. “Just stop for now. Please”.

“Jinyoung!” I screamed, ignoring them all. “Says it or-”

“He doesn’t use Dahyung!” Bambam croaked holding my fist, making me look at him. His eyes were wet. “She has post-traumatic stress Yugyeomie…” he said, pursing his lips at the end. “Dahyun was going through hell when the interviews began and hyung helped her find help, but after what happened on Halloween, she freaked out and her psychiatrist suggested to move on”.

I tighten my jaw.

“Post-traumatic stress?”

“Yes. She's in Europe with her aunt and I am sorry that I didn’t tell you before, but it was her request, okay?”

“Hide it from me?” I ask incredulously. “She was my friend”.

“It’s sucks I know, but even I don’t know about this from her and you know that we’re pretty close”.

I opened my mouth, but Park Jinyoung finally said something:

“I told him”.

 I frowned as Yoongi stiffened at my side.

“And you didn’t think to tell me too?” I laughed. “I was her friend as much as Bambam!” I remember him. “Then why didn’t you tell me? Oh, let me think… just because you’re fucking him and not me?”

“Yugyeom!” Bambam shouted, letting go of my fist. “I know you're angry, but don’t offend me. It has nothing to do with it”.

I let the air out of my nostrils.

Didn’t care what he thought. They had let me believe that Dahyun was just sick and would be back soon.

And at that very moment, when Bambam scolds me for offended him, something popped on my chest. I looked up again, finding Jinyoung's serious gaze in the car mirror staring at me with exorbitant patience.

“Jinyoung...” called him cautious. “What interview did you use?”

I don’t need an audible answer to know who his research object had been, the pleasurable expression on his face told me exactly what his lips had dropped with a smile:

“Yours.” he said looking at me. “I used your interview”.

 

 Throughout my life, I've learned some things related to friendship.

When you have a distinct group, where everyone has different personalities, identity, sexuality, culture and religion you need to raise only one fucking flag: yours.

You need to make clear your position in relation to any disagreement between your friends and you should only have your flag which means you don't want to step into minefields to defend adults who create problems.

So when Kim Yugyeom and Park Jinyoung began to fight after the elder had made it clear that he had used Yugyeom's profile in his thesis and departed for physical aggression in the first few minutes after we stopped the car, I raised my single flag and went firm saying I wasn’t going to get between them.

“You are two idiots. Just stop fighting and talk about this”.

That's all I told them.

And Yugyeom — who was my friend longer than Jinyoung was being in my life — was furious that I didn't defend him. He got even angrier when I stopped him from leaving and forced him to sit next to the person he hated most as we entered the karaoke room.

And of course, he made an ugly face for a long time until Jackson came with Mark and made him sing some songs for us. He laughed a lot thanks to both of them and Youngjae.

“Who's hungry?” Yoongi asked putting his feet on the table. “Because I'm starving to death.” he signed sadly. “What do you say we go get something to eat? Huh?”

“I think Yugyeom should pay for dinner.” I put the soju bottle back on the table, raising my glass. “Actually, I think he and Jinyoung should pay because they almost blew the mood”.

“Do you know what… I agree with Bambam.” Jackson mocks first, playing alongside Yugyeom with a smile from ear to ear. “And don't complain about this, that's the divine punishment coming for you”.

Jinyoung caked grinding his teeth.

I bite my lips, preventing a smile that disappears as soon as Hoseok decided to insist on paying the bill that night.

Yugyeom couldn’t avoid a victorious smile.

So we ate a lot and laughed a lot because of Jackson, who still complained about not getting an increase in his payment that month.

I felt my phone rings:

 **jaebeom-ah hyung**  
Where are you guys?

 _2min ago_  
let’s play video games?

“Gyeom?” I call his attention passing the phone so that he could read the text. “Can I call him? You’re already talking to each other?” Jaebeom and Yugyeom had fight a few days because of a stupid girl. “I saw him other day, he looked so sad and lonely. Let's call him...”

Yugyeom popped his tongue with a tedious expression.

“I don’t promise to behave well”.

“Will you at least try?” I smiled hopefully and he nodded rolling his eyes. “Yes, thank you God. Jinyoung-ah? You will finally meet Jaebeom hyung... he's coming today”.

Although Yugyeom had agreed, it hadn’t been an easy task to get Lim Jaebeom into a damn taxi and be with us — according to his message, he preferred to play video games alone than meet our friends.

I had to threaten him.

“Jaebeom hyung!”

Yugyeom was the first to react, just the way I imagined it. He cast a serious look at Jaebeom, but his shoulders relaxed instantly when he saw his favorite hyung smile. _Such an idiot for this old man_.

The others turned to the door.

“Fucking finally!” I said getting up. “Come inside hyung, I'll introduce you to the boys. Oh, I was so eager to do that!”

“Oh… yeah, okay.” I didn't know at first why, but Jackson seemed really surprised to see Jaebeom with me. His eyebrows rose up and his eyes opened in surprised. “Seun-ah?”

_Seun-ah?_

I look at them without understanding why they are looking to each other that way. Jaebeom bit his lips and look really shy because of Jackson.

“Do you know each other?” I heard Yoongi ask. “What?”

“Ah... yeah.” Jackson whispered embarrassed. “Yeah, I know him”.

I looked directly at Jaebeom, looking for an answer.

“I met him at a KU party”.

“Korean University?” Mark wrinkled his nose. “How can this be possible? We never go to that place...” he mutated looking at Jackson, who bit his lips. “Did you go to a party without me?”

“Yeah. I mean… well!” The Chinese man stammered without getting his eyes away from Jaebeom. They both looked tense. “Yes”.

I think my eyes got really big.

Yugyeom seemed to have understood the same thing I did.

“Holy shit!” I screamed, putting my hand in my mouth. “You fuck with Jaebeom hyung? Oh God… what the fuck? You fuck him?”

Jackson bit his lips.

“Bambam!”

“What?” I shouted towards Jinyoung. “Are you going to tell me that you didn't notice the tense either? They obviously had sex!”

“I-ah-hm…” Lim Jaebeom whispered ashamed. “This is in the past now. I mean… we ended up losing contact after-”

“Four months.” Jackson finishes for him. “Yeah… four months”.

Hoseok choked without taking the smile from his face and Yoongi gave some slaps on his back saying ‘it’s all right, everyone fucks each other and you don't’ while Mark looked really pissed off about everything.

“Fuck!” I giggle. “You will tell everything hyung… everything”.

Lim Jaebeom had known Jackson Wang at a Korean University party because of a mutual friend, Lee Jooheon. This happened a year ago. They were together for four months until Jaebeom resolved to end it all by falling in love with another person — a fact that was never told to me. Yugyeom, on the other hand, seemed familiar with this news, because he shows no reaction after hear them.

That's what happened.

Finding him within that karaoke had been a coincidence — a fact that was hilarious when Jaebeom said how idiot we were because he had a picture with Jackson on his Instagram.

“Ya!” Hoseok whispered shaking his head. “Isn't it amazing that we found each other? If it weren't for that, you'd never have a chance to solve that sex-”.

“Hoseok!” Yoongi drew his attention, pointing to Mark. Everyone knew that Mark Tuan was in love with Jackson Wang. He just didn't know how to admit it to himself. “Shut up. Geez!”

The worst part is that Hoseok was right.

The sexual tension between Jaebeom and Jackson is so dense that I could cut it with a knife. Everyone could easily understand that.

“But it’s really good to see you, Seun-ah”.

“Yah…” the Chinese said with half-voice, taking a glass of soju without taking the eyes of Jaebeom. I looked at Yugyeom surprised and he gave me back the look with a nasty smile. “I think this is amazing the way we found each other again. Maybe we can work it out this time”.


	10. E I G H T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I turn the photo.
> 
> My father's handwriting was always perfect.
> 
> “Hello...” I whisper, turning the photo back, staring at his smile. He was dead. “It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Kim Byung Joo”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally things will start to get hectic and I'm really excited to start that phase! As I said in the previous chapter, I hope you give me your opinion because I would like to improve my writing skills... it is very important for me to know what you guys think about this fanfic because it is like a piece of heaven for me lol .
> 
> And I sincerely hope you're enjoying it, and I wanted to repeat what I said in the first post... no description, character, speech or situation was created to offend or belittle the people who provided the basis for the characters. I have a great affection and respect for all the celebrities who had the name involved in this fanfic and I hope you understand that it is only a fiction to make a reflection on real situations, but that are not related to the real idols life.

 

 

  
Your memory is a monster,  
it appears of own will.  
You think you have a memory,  
but it is she who has you.

— John Irving.

 

Even with his sincerity, I really didn't expect anything from Jackson Wang when he gives me his number. I thought the Chinese were still the typical immature kid who didn't know what he wanted, that he flirted until he was tired and then made the ‘dumb’ move to disappear.

However, Jackson Wang had changed a lot during that year when we weren’t in touch. He went straight and serious when he gave me his number, answering my message without a lot of winding up.

He was even more confident in called me to meet in his apartment.

I kiss him back. Maybe because I was lonely or maybe because Jackson didn't seem to want to give me a choice to say no with his knee pressed against my dick the right way.

“Fuck!” I whispered grabbing his face. “Why we didn't work out back then? You’re such a better kisser… It's so tasty. Why d-”

“Jaebeom? Shut up and just kiss me please!”

And I kissed him exactly how I knew he liked it. Put my fingers in his hair and bit his lower lip, feeling the tips of his fingers pinch me in the belly with strength before moaning afflicted. I smiled between the kiss, staring at his perplexed face.

When we stopped, I pushed him against the wall, grabbing his thighs and lifting his body against mine.

It was strange to be with someone I haven't seen in so long. Not only because we had lost contact but because now Jackson was a friend of really important people in my life and a part of me knew that it could complicate things. Yet the other part, the one who needed to fuck someone, was screaming so loudly about his body against mine that the first wasn’t so important.

“Bedroom, bedroom...” Jackson moans between the kiss, striving to make me let go. He pulled me by the arm toward the stairs.

When we got to his room, I grabbed him in the back of his head and pushed him into bed, listening to him moaning and calling me rude.

"Don't say you don't like it.” smile towards him, kissing his whole neck. He told me something that made me laugh at that moment, that we needed to do it fast because he had an important dinner with his family that night. “You're still the same Jackson Wang, the same”.

His fingers curled into my hair as I lowered my lips to his chest, finally leaving a wet kiss on his crotch.

I raised my eyes just to make sure he kept wanting the same thing I did. The vision I have is of a completely anxious Jackson for what was to come, his lips were half-open and a little trembling, his eyes stared at me with clear lust and the way his thorax danced over his breath proved to me that he really couldn’t wait for more. I push his thighs apart, opening them, and turning him on his back.

“Fucking finally…!” Jackson gasped into the mattress as soon as I pulled his hip up, forcing him to stay on his hands and knees. When he pushed his body back, against my hips, I bit my lips and held him firmly, hearing him moaning in response. “I took care of the preliminaries earlier...” the Chinese whispered hoarsely. “Can we ju-”

Before he could finish, I introduced two fingers inside him, listening to his hoarse and low tone calling God’s name. When he realized he couldn't win more than that for a while, Jackson pushed his ass against my fingers, stirring his hips down and up.

I smiled knowing that the Chinese would start to feel desperate at any moment. It was always like this. Jackson asked and I denied until he reached the edge of his limit and begged for me.

“Hyung...” I smile. He was still the same. "Fuck me, please, please…”

“If you insist.” whispered pulling his back against my chest, placing a quick kiss on the back of his neck. “Condom?”

“First drawer”.

I laughed about his haste, but obeyed his entreat and opened the drawer, spending the condom package — Jackson wanted to put it himself, with his hands fuming with anxiety — and when he finished, he pulled me into a drowning kiss and I pushed him over the bed, saw him spread his legs to me like a damn invitation.

I watch him open his mouth in delight and close his eyes, moves his hip forward and downward against my motives, to have more of my dick and Jackson didn't have to ask me to be faster or deeper, everything in his body and face screamed about how desperate to be properly fucked he was, so I just grabbed him stronger and fucked him the way I knew he liked it.

His groans were becoming ever loud and hoof, he could lose his voice or be heard by a neighbor at any time, but he didn’t care and I just wanted to feel good... wanted.

“You're so fucking beautiful!” I said automatically, leaning over so that I could kiss him before actually giving him the real sense of fuck. When I move away from the kiss, his eyes say to me that he knows what I’ll do next, because they seemed alarmed in ecstasy before I even grabbed his pretty neck. “You are beautiful as hell, especially like that...”

His warm hands wrapped around my wrists, without stopping me from continuing with my grip that was making his skin increasingly red and his eyes more widening. Jackson coughed a moan as I felt myself go stronger, deeper, faster. He closed his eyes too, grasping to me as the sound of our bodies clashing filled the space left by his silent noises.

When his slender black eyes were filled with tears and he stared at me weakly, I felt all the remaining sanity slipping and I enjoyed it, closing, even more, my grip on his neck. He shifted, perhaps a little sore, but didn’t stop me when I penetrant him again until I heard him cough as I touched his prostate and he came.

And I still with my hands in his neck for a time, following the rhythm of his spasms until he had finally finished — when I released him, Jackson lifted his body quickly, heaving by air and coughing with tears in his eyes.

“Calm down sweet…” I say patting his back. “You just need to take it easy. It'll pass.” said kissing his shoulder. “Jack?”

“Hyung it was...” Jackson coughed, smoothing his neck. “Different this time. It was different but good.” he told me with an aerial expression, massaging his neck. “My throat hurt”.

I watched him stagger out of bed before picking up the water bottle that was next to his computer. Jackson turned her all at once, drowned.

“Come to bed”.

“Shouldn't we take a shower?”

“No.” I say. “Didn't you have a dinner in a few hours?” I remember him between a yawn. “After what we've done you'll need to take at least some nap or you'll sleep on your feet”.

Jackson nodded, walking to bed.

He crawled up to me, laid down with a sigh, and staring at me:

“I missed it.” Jackson admit. “I really missed your hands over my neck Jaebeom hyung”.

 

There was a lot in my head.

Things that kept me awake and made me furious, like the truth behind Park Jinyoung's A or the fact that my father was bringing people to see Diana as if the poor thing were really for sale.

Maybe because a lot was going on in my head that I woke up so early and went into the garage, where I spent all my day ignoring the thoughts that led me to Bambam, Jinyoung or my dad.

And I was concentrated underneath Diana when a familiar song traveled through the rooms, making me stop automatically. I haven’t heard that song in a while.

 _Bet she doesn’t touch like me_  
_sure as hell don’t fuck like me_  
 _no comparison, no she don’t, she don’t…_

The last time I had heard that song was in May, at Yongsan dance group rehearsal. At the time, Bambam had dark hair, Taehyung wore the hood on sunny days, Sanha didn’t detach from us because Dahyun was always watching us.

 _I know I fucked up, I'm only human_   
and I ain’t beggin’ but I’m gon’ ask for one more chance girl,  
I think we should just…

The last time I heard that song, everyone was alive.

That was when everything still made sense.

_Too late for sorry so boy back down,  
I have my issues, but one less now 99 problems…_

I sighed, seeing my reflection in Diana's bodywork.

I had heard that song for the last time in a room because it kept ringing in my head as I watch Kim Hansol break all the chairs.

I looked up again, staring at my surprised eyes:

“Kim Hansol...”

**[MAY – Yongsan School]**

“Ya. Gyeom!” Dahyun yelled, dragging Sanha by his skinny arm out of the studio. “You were amazing _oppa_. It was like watching a dancing star moving… hm… how can I say this? Your moves are so nasty”.

“Nasty?” Sanha asked her. “Really noona? Nasty?”

“Sorry if he dances and I automatically think of things that are going to take me clearly to hell. It's not like I-”

“Okay, okay! Whatever”.

Yoon Sanha was a little younger than everyone but he already liked someone: the idiot, naughty and bossy Kim Dahyun.

“ _Blah blah blah, whatever_.” Dahyun mimics him, showing her tongue before holding me by the elbow. “We're going to Chelsea!”

“Not today Dahyunie.” I said making a grimace. I wanted to hang out with my friends, but couldn't access my notes from home and I really needed to check them if I didn't want my mom to get into my nervous for my bad grades. “I have to check something and I’ll go play video games with Taehyung today”.

“Whoa, he's going to see his boyfriend!” Bambam appeared right behind me, beating me with the wet towel. “Use condoms for God's sake, we don't want you to end up pregnant”.

“Wow!” I clapped. “It's amazing how mature you get every day Bambam hyung.” I replay, rolling my eyes to him. “You asshole”.

“You love each other so much that it disgusts me.” Yoo Sanha sighing rudely. “And dry the sweat Yugyeom hyung, your makeup is melting. And why you put so foun-”.

I slap my forehead saying that I was late and that needed to go, turning my back on my three more nosy friends.

“See you tomorrow!”

When I stop, very distant from them, I close my eyes for a moment and make a mental note to search for some watertight concealer makeup if I didn't want everyone to see the inks over my body.

After recovering the breath and sanity, I pulled a face towel from my backpack and walked toward the computer room.

All I wanted to do was check my grades and get ready for the worst, but mom always said I used to be a very curious child and that I'd always end up in danger for it. So when I heard voices coming from the choir room, I needed to see what it happen.

I didn't have to strive too much to see Kim Hansol.

“ _I can’t do this anymore hyung, don’t want too!”_ a second voice said and I automatically tried to stretch my neck to see who Hansol was with. There were some rumors about him. Some were bad enough to make him stop in principal’s for fighting, some stupid and thought by people without brains. However, the gossip that rolled over was about sexual orientation and crazy things. They said he was a pervert. “ _He's messing with everyone's head and that's not right. We can't do this!_ ”

“ _Nobody's messing with anybody's head. We're helping each other, don't you understand?_ ” Hansol yelled at someone, making me more curious. “ _So you can’t ju-”_

“ _I can leave whenever I want.”_ the other interrupted Hansol. They were probably fighting over some stupid RPG game. It was disappointing because I hoped to witness a declaration of love or something like that kind of shit. “ _And that's exactly what I'm going to do_ ”.

I heard Hansol's loud and fake laugh.

“ _Do you want to jump out? Okay, but I'll give you a little reminder, maybe you will not come back to yourself now...”_ Hansol yells, pulling his friend by the arm. " _But it wasn’t my card that I used to buy it_ ”.

I raised my eyebrows in confusion.

What they’re talking about?

“ _No. You didn’t do that_ ”.

There was the fake laugh again, echoing to me.

“ _Oh your sillyhead… of course I did_. _I needed a scapegoat and you almost begged for it.”_ he said in a menacing tone. “ _Life’s sucks right?”_

“ _Hansol...”_

“ _You have until June 1st to change your mind.”_ Hansol interrupted the cotton blonde-haired boy in front of him. “ _You can stay with us or be beaten like them. It's your choice_ ”.

The cotton blonde-haired boy screamed furiously, going after Hansol who didn’t even move. I open my mouth, surprised by his anger access but he only closed his eyes and put his head on Hansol's shoulder:

“ _Please...”_ he sobbed. “ _Please don’t do this, hyung. I’ll regret it in the end… don’t do it. Please, I beg you to not do this with them_ ”.

But Hansol didn’t seem interested in don’t do something that his friend doesn’t want to do too. He says.

“ _You have until June. I'll wait for your decision_ ”.

**[NOVEMBER, Today, Itaewon]**

“ _You can stay with us...”_ I whispered resting my elbows on my knees, digging my fingers through my hair. “ _You can stay with us or be killed by them…”_   I felt my heart fail. Saw my reflection once more in Diana's bodywork, I finally completed something that was always latent in my mind. “Fuck. They were talking about Yongsan’s shooting?”

❖

I slid over the marble, causing me to slam directly into the corner of the table and groan for the pain and the future bruise.

Before it happened, I had told Taehyung that something didn't seem right at school, that I'd seen Hansol and a blonde cotton haired boy fighting about knocking someone down. Tae called me crazy.

He said that Hansol was probably talking about some video games or stupid RPG game and I listened to him because Taehyung was always right about everything — I ended up forgetting Hansol the next instant.

I opened the first door, screaming for my mom.

There were things that I regretted in my life. Things like let mom's plants die in the sun, having ended my friendship with some people and having made bad choices. But mostly, to have despised details that seemed small and insignificant.

I was very sorry that I didn't do anything on that day in May and maybe if mom hadn’t left the radio on and her hostess's favorite show hadn’t played that particular song, I would never have recovered that banal and ‘insignificant’ memory.

I would not have rushed out, bruised my thigh on the table or knocked my little finger on the couch. I wouldn’t have remembered Hansol, the music room, the broken chairs, his cotton blonde friends screams and the way they had admitted to having planned a massacre right under my fucking eyes. I wouldn't have remembered anything.

“Mama!” I yell, climbing the stairs. “Mom?”

The note trapped on the first-floor pilaster draws my attention.

“Fuck!” I pick the phone. She answers at the first touch, asking what was wrong, as usual. “Nothing happens. Where are you?”

“ _Huh? Seeing our neighbor's son baby pictures_.” she said on the other side, confused with my tone. “ _What do you what? Tell me what happ_ -”

“Nothing!” I say hurried, biting my thumb. I had plans to beg her to let me in dad’s office, but if she wasn't home it was even easier. The password was my birthday. “What time are you coming back? Is dad coming home today?”

“ _So many questions… why?”_ mom asked serious. “ _What did you break Kim Yu Gyeom?”_ I heard her move. “ _I'm going to go b-”_

“Ya. Do you think I am a child?” I ask her. “For God’s sake, I didn't break anything!” I babbling. “Just wanted to know where you put my foundation okay. The one that dad bought?”

“ _Ah… what stupid question kiddo. You know that his in the cosmetics drawer. In your bathroom_ ”.

“Oh. Yeah?” I whispered. “I totally forgot about it.” said already standing in front of dad’s office door. That place was a fortress. “Are you coming back before nightfall?”

“ _After that. It's my day off. Leave me alone!”_

“Huh, okay _omma_ ”.

Mom coughed on the other side:

“ _Omma_?” she was probably wrinkling her forehead. “ _You're going to do something wrong aren't you?”_ I heard her sigh. “ _Ya Kim Yugyeom, don't do anything that'll get you in trouble. Do you understand me?_ ”

“ _Ne, ne_ ”. I mumble turning the doorknob and open the door. “I'll call you later. I'm going to call dad right now. I need to talk to him…”

I end the call before she could argue with me.

When everything happened in Yongsan, some people asked me if I had access to guns and I always answer with punches because I knew they’re insinuating that I had a finger in Kim Hansol's act.

But my punches were honest answers. I’ve never had contact with firearms because even if I knew dad’s office password, I didn’t know the private arsenal password. I had never seen even a blank paper about Yongsan — my dad was ethical and too discreet to let me see anything.

However, perhaps if I had a little more interest to remember about something, I could have remembered that day in May and maybe would have helped dad in something.

My father used to have a three-security place to put his cases — he said it was a protective measure. One was in Itaewon police station, one with my uncle in Seoul and the third place is in our house, in a safe box.

The password is an important date. The day I told him my secret.

I sat down.

I look through the papers, cautiously reading the names on the yellow covers of each file and only stopped when I came across Yongsan International School's name.

There wasn’t much. Just an ordinary description of the school, the teachers, our principal, and the students.

“That's it...?” I wrinkled my eyebrows. “It cannot be just that.” I said to myself, opened some envelopes, coming to the conclusion that dad had nothing about Yongsan at home because I was a part of it. Of course, he can’t bring Hansol’s case to home. “Congratulations on finding nothing”.

I sighed, returning the papers into the envelope, then returning it to the safe box that locked and I sit on my knees.

“Why you have nothing about this case?” I asked myself, biting my lips. “It was because of me? I was part of it so you couldn’t let me see anything about this right? But knowing you, know that you can’t risk not having a copy at home…” I nibbled the corner of my mouth realizing that dad never would risk not having a backup at home, even if the case were about me. “So you hide it from me… that’s it? You hide it?”

I swallowed and rose up.

“You brought it home, but hide it…” I repeated, licking my lips, analyzing every bit of his brown and white office. “But where did you put the filer?” I whisper to myself. “Behind something you admire?” asked myself, finding our family picture. My grandfather had made that painting six months before he died in an accident. “Right under my nose!”

I walked toward the painting, pulling it carefully off the wall. The envelope falls easily as I ripped the ribbons from behind our family's picture.

I knew I wasn’t allowed to touch my father's things, much less his work papers. He always made it very clear what my knowledge of his cases could cause but I really need to see it. I rubbed my neck, feeling the stress hit my muscles when I encountered such an obstacle.

The real thing is… I could ruin my father's career if someone discovered that. However, on the other hand, I could die of anxiety for not knowing anything about that particular case.

“I am sorry dad...” I whispered, licking my lips before actually opening the envelope and spreading the papers across the floor. I ran my eyes over the machine letters. “Kim Hansol, seventeen. Diagnosed with a personality disorder at twelve Choi Haru...” bite my tongue, down to the next database: “Psychological profile, prominent slope in three pathological categories… dependent disorder.” I read, remembering what Park Jinyoung had said about the profile they’re looking at Yongsan International School. According to those papers, Kim Hansol was crazy. Really crazy. I licked my lips. “Okay, okay. Photos. I need photos”.

Dad always had pictures of his suspects or the victims. He said it was a way to memorizing the person's face, it also made recognition easier when the years went by and some cases were eventually found again.

He always had pictures of everyone.

“I just need a name...” I whispered, spreading the papers. “Sweet cotton-blonde hair, small face.” I retraced the details my mind remembered from the boy. “Just a name for your face and-” I relax my shoulders, staring at a face that smiles too much. I blink stunned, aware that if I turned the photo I couldn’t go back on my choice. I would pass another limit. “It's the right thing to do Tae?”

Fuck.

I hoped it was.

I turn the photo.

My father's handwriting was always perfect.

“Hello...” I whisper, turning the photo back, staring at his smile. He was dead. “It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Kim Byung Joo”.


	11. N I N E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's funny how you act next to me Yugyeom-ssi”.
> 
> Anything to forget ms Kim. I smiled at him:
> 
> “Really?” I asked falsely surprised. “Explain to me how I act next to you because I have no idea”.
> 
> “As if you could hide yourself from me” Park Jinyoung answers before I can finish my thinking. He smile. “The problem is... I can see exactly who you are Yugyeom-ssi.” I swallowed. “I know exactly what you're trying to hide kiddo”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah!!! I finally updated after getting around nine or ten days because of pure laziness hahaha i have to admit i'm taking up my time writing ANOTHER jingyeom hahaha (when will i stop writing jingyeom god????) that i will start to publish soon and so I am taking time with punishment updates, but I promise that I will advance so that you discover all the mysteries of this au as soon as possible!!!

 

 

  
All men have their secret pains that the world does not know,   
and we often call a man cold when he is just sad.  
— Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

 

I did not know Kim Hansol.

At least not as much as Kim Byung Joo or anyone else at Yongsan School. I didn’t know him and had never really noticed him until June.

And maybe because school used to divide us by skills. Bambam studies dance, but he takes some classes with me. Taehyung had studied economy and have one or two classes with me. But not Hansol.

I never see Hansol, just heard his name because people were always talking about him and something about this piss me off because most people at school were connected in some way but not Kim Hansol and I.

We had never noticed each other.

However, Bambam seemed to know him.

One day Bambam had said that Hansol had suffered more than he should have and that he was lonely even though he have Kim Byung Joo.

For me, for do not knowing Hansol I can’t understand what people like Bambam said that he was sick. I did not understand why his psychologist say that his actions were fault of a sad and solitary life.

And I cannot stop looking to Hansol’s photo.

Someone say that he have a sad life, that his is sick. However, he’s smile in that fucking picture. _Why was he smiling?_

If he was lonely, why did he have a friend? Why had this friend let him and end up dead? Why the hell had he-

“Yugyeom?” Hirai Momo voices, who had suddenly decided to flirt with me, sounded in my ears. “My class is over. We can go now if you want.” she explained, probably realizing my expression. “Ah, are we still going out right?”

“Oh!” I sniff, biting my lip. Had forgotten about that. “Okay. I'll be honest with you, Momo” I gritted my teeth awkwardly. The girl looked at me, annoyed. “I may have forgotten our date and today his dinner night with my mother, so…”

Momo parted her lips and closed them.

She nodded thoughtfully.

“But we can go out another day!” I completed. “Uhm, we can go to that park. That one that just open out of town?”

Her eyes looked happier when I said that.

“Yeah, yeah!.” Momo smiled. “This sounds great to me”.

“Great!” I said hastily, taking my things. “See in on Saturday? 8:00 pm then?” she nodded with her perfect smile and I smiled back. “Nice. Bye”.

“See ya!”

I heard mr. Song yell ‘don’t run in the hallway you moron’ when I passed through him, knocking on some students who had just left gym, including Sanha:

“Yugyeom hyung?” heard him call me. “Where are you going?”

Sanha was probably with Bambam but I didn’t have time to talk and didn’t want to have to lie to my best friend, so just ignored their voices and took the key out of my pocket.

I was obsessed with that story.

Perhaps because I was interested in understanding how Jinyoung saw Hansol's profile in me — because I knew he had said those words at dinner with Bambam straight to me, like a sneaky and efficient attack — or perhaps because I needed to understand why Hansol had put Kim Taehyung’s name in his list.

Even if Taehyung had been rude to Hansol one day, I am sure he apologized and regretted it. After all, he was Taehyung, the person who could not even murder a bug without feeling sorry about it.

So I researched Hansol's name on Google for the first time since he'd come into Yongsan with guns and killed everyone. Ever since I'd told myself I wasn’t a victim.

And it was the first time I felt part of the whole tragedy. I felt a victim.

However, there wasn’t much about Hansol. His social media had been deleted or blocked with a statement about his family privacy. However, unlike Hansol, Kim Byung Joo was a victim who had won homage and beautiful words in his profiles.

It wasn’t difficult to find him.

Even easier was to get their most accurate locations:

“Sorry?” I call the girl behind the balcony. She looked back at me with an inviting smile. “Can I speak to the owner of the establishment?”

“It’s depends. What is your interest with him?”

I smiled, opening the jacket I was wearing.

“I heard he are hiring people.” I lied. “I need a job, so I thought why not you know?”

“Uhm.” she thought for a moment. “I don’t know about this but I'll take a look for you. Wait here for a moment. I'll be right back”.

“Thank you-” I said, looking at her nametag. “ _Eunbyul-ssi_ ”.

I sit at one of the tables, looking at the clients' pictures on the wall.

Couldn’t see any picture of Hansol or Byung Joo, but being loyal customers of the house, I believed the owner of the place had put a picture of them on the wall someday.

I heard someone murmuring and automatically moved my eyes, seeing the girl pointed directly to me — one day Taehyung say to me ‘Gyeom-ah, promise me you'll never do anything crazy when I am not around okay?’ and I promise to him that I would never do anything wrong without him.

I watched a white beard man walk walking up to my table.

I promised Taehyung that I never did anything wrong without him.

“Hello. How can I help you?”

“Ah-” I forced a smile. “Hello, mr. Ahn.” I said, reading his tag name. He nodded. “My name is Kim-”

“Huh? Yes?”

“Kim Taehyung”.

Mr. Ahn looked at me curiously.

“Uhm. Hi Kim Taehyung.” he said, smoothing his white beard without take his eyes of me. “So how can I help you kid?”

 _You can tell me what you know about Kim Hansol and Kim Byung Joo. I know Byungjoo has pictures of this place in his Instagram, with you. It's spread over the internet._ I thought… but end up say it aloud.

The old man's posture became apprehensive.

I opened my mouth

“Ah... I-” I stammered without thinking. “I did not want to sound that way, I'm sorry! It was not m-”

“Get out!” the old man said between his teeth. “I'm not going to give you an interview. I made it clear to the cops that I do not have any idea what was happening to those kids. That's all I have to say so-”.

“No, I don’t want an interview.” I interrupted him hurriedly, trying to show that I didn’t have the intention of pressing him. “I just need to know something and then I'm leaving. I sure to you sir.” mr. Ahn turned to the waitress, shouting for her to call the cops. I pursed my lips, not knowing what to do and stood up. “I am one of his victims!”

Everyone at the restaurant look at me.

Mr. Ahn looked confused.

“I was in Yongsan’s cafeteria when it happened” said without a second thought. He opened his mouth. “Some of my friends were seriously injured but someone I loved died.” I say the last part in a low, embarrassed whisper. It was sad to say that Taehyung had died that way, because someone killed him. “I don’t want an interview. I swear”.

“So what do you want?”

“His address.” I replied. “That's all I want”.

The old man laughed sarcastically and pointed at me:

“Do you really think I am going to give you his families address so you can go and disturb them?” he ask. “They've suffered too much because this shit kid.” mr. Ahn turned around. “Just et the fuck out of my restaurant!”

Unfortunately, I had to leave because two tall man asked me ‘politely’ to leave. I groaned as I felt my knee hit the floor, causing me to collapse onto my legs. _Fucking great._

I rubbed the back of my neck and heard the door open behind me.

“Why do you want to talk to the Kim’s?” it was Eunbyul, the waitress smiley clerk. “I mean, if you was attacked and if your friends died, why do you want to talk to them if you don’t want to attack them?”

“Why would I do that?” I ask in return. “I'm not interested in a fucking revenge. Their parents have nothing to do with what happened.” I said, sitting on the floor. “I just wanted to talk with them”.

Eunbyul nodded, releasing the smoke from his newly lit cigarette.

“I didn’t know Hansol. I knew he was cute and quiet because he was always here” she murmured seriously. “but I knew Byung Joo’s sister because if you want to know… coming here at VILAZ was like a family tradition to them both.” she explained, swallowing the nicotine from his cigarette. “They went back to Daegu. You'll find them in Daegu”.

\- ❖ -

My father and I had a deal.

Because of a stupid accident — which had happened long enough to be forgotten now — I couldn’t leave Itaewon to go to another city with my bike and of course I could hiding it from him, but knowing the father I have, he would probably find out in the blink of an eye.

In this way, I had only two options:

(1) I could go by subway.

(2) or could ask someone to give me a ride.

The only problem with the two options was that (1) I didn’t have money to the tickets and I know mom could probably yell at me if I ask her to give me some and (2) only Lim Jaebeom had a driver's license.

“Oh. Do you that he’ll be late today?” I ask her, because I really need help from Jaebeom. “You don’t know? Oh, it’s okay _auntie_.” I said again with a sigh. “Can you tell hyung I called?”

“ _Sure honey_ ”.

Jaebeom was busy with Jackson Wang. And of course I could call Bambam and ask him to force his older brother to give me a drive but I didn’t want to have to make an excuse to why I had to go to Daegu so suddenly.

Bambam knew I hadn’t family there, couldn’t fool him.

I spent my contact list.

“Shit...” scratched my eyebrows, knowing he would probably get angry with me for asking for help. I put the phone in my ear. “Hyung?”

“ _What?”_

“Uhm…” I bit my lip. “I need a huge favor from you.”

“ _Huh. What do you want?”_

“Can you take me to Daegu?”

“ _Why would I do that?”_ Mark asked laughing. “ _Ask your mother_ ”.

“Of course I am going to ask my mother to take me to Daegu, to find out that I am organizing a birthday surprise to her!” I lie with a big smile in my face. “That's great, hyung. You’re so smart”.

Mark sighed from the other end of the line.

“ _Have you ask the boys?”_ he asked. “ _Yoongi has a car. If you ask politely, he takes you.”_ I had already tried to talk to Yoongi, he was working. “ _Your friend Jaebeom?_ ” he asked curiously. I told him he was with Jackson. “ _Oh really?”_

“You should stop caring. It's been months!” I replied, biting my nail thumb. Mark sighed in annoyance. “You can’t really take me there?”

“ _I have exams tomorrow, I cannot. I'm to-oh wait.”_ he stood for a moment and I listen some murmurs. “ _Jinyoung-ah!”_

“Hyung!” I shout at the phone. “Anyone but him!”

“ _Shut up_.” Mark shout back to me. “ _Jinyoung-ah, can you do me a favor? You owe me one after breaking my video game_ ”.

“ _This shit again? I already paid for another one_!” I heard Jinyoung say and Mark bounce something inaudible. “ _Yeah, whatever. What you want?”_

I end the call, but not before I heard Park Jinyoung yell about not, under any circumstances be available to help me.

_Great. Fucking great._

I leave myself a mental note to punch Mark and look for a name that could give me a ride without making me humiliate myself for it.

It did not take long for my phone to ring:

 **Mark hyung 12:52pm**  
ya little brat, why did you hang up?

I think it's good that   
you're already dressed,

Jinyoung isn’t very happy, so  
do not annoy him and be ready in 5min.

Shit.

I did not expect Park Jinyoung to be forced by Mark Tuan to give me a ride. He hated me enough to disrespect his hyung.

I scratch my teeth against the bruised flesh of my lip, poking my thumb fingernail after that. Itaewon stared being left behind us reminded me that I hadn’t warned my mother:

**YOU HAVE THREE MOMMY MESSAGES**

**mama 11:14pm**  
Can you buy radish for me?

 **mama 11:53pm**  
forget it   
I just pass by mrs’s Oh market and buy it 

 **mama 12:12pm**  
Gyeom, have you had lunch yet?  
If you haven’t, come to the hospital  
let's have lunch together.

 **Reply:** _Gyeom, have you had lunch?_  
If you have not had lunch, come to the hospital  
let's have lunch together.

 **|** Why didn’t you ask me before? I've had lunch.

 _2min ago_  
By the way, think I'm going to sleep in hyung today  
he needs help in whatever I do not understand TT

She responded in record time, saying that she probably made a double trip and was happy to know that I wouldn’t be alone at home.

Without having anything to do, boredom settled everywhere until it became suffocating I had seen and reviewed all Instagram's photos, answered all my delayed messages, played a few games and repeated it two or three times.

I looked at Jinyoung's serious profile before asking:

“Can I put a song?”

He made a sarcastic sound.

“And since when do you need authorization?”

I nodded, gritting my teeth.

“No one can say that I’m not trying to be polite.” I taps my tongue in my teeth. Jinyoung had an incredible playlist. “Wow. Whoever sees your daddy's son face doesn’t think you listens to ‘ghetto’ songs. I'm really surp-”

“Shut up and put the music on.” I turned to him automatically. “I hope you're not thinking about a smart answer because I am not in the mood to argue now, and you could respect that since I am here doing you a fucking favor Kim Yugyeom”.

 I grimaced, turning the music on.

I really didn’t want to start a fight but his bossy way got me so fucking angry. It might work with Bambam and make him stay in the clouds, but not with me. He wouldn’t talk like that with me.

“Okay! I cannot be passive with anyone so fuck this shit!” said turning to him again. “Ya Park Jinyoung, I don’t know what your problem is but I think you should stop with this fucking behavior, you’re not a fucking kid anymore. I mean, you're a piece of shit and the least you could do is help someone okay? So don’t give me that shit look your mother fucker-”

It was so fast. The way he turned the wheel and stepped on the brake. As my body went forward and the belt pulled me back to the seat, making me moan at the way the belt scraped my neck and burned.

“Are you fucking crazy?” I shouted, putting a hand on my neck. Took off my belt, turning my whole body to give him a sermon. I could have cursed him and probably beat him to death but Park Jinyoung's serious expression was disconcerting. “What? What is it, huh?”

“Never say that again”.

“What?” I frowned. “Which part do you-”

“Never speak about my mother again.” Jinyoung told me without really looking at me. “You can hate me, curse me or do what you want but do not put my mother's name in your dirty mouth!” when he finally stopped talking, he turned to me and said. “Promise”.

What?

He looked hurt.

“Yah man…whatever. I promise”.

\- ❖ -

“Yugyeom-ssi?” I hear him calling me over the confused dream I was having. “Wake up, we're in Daegu.” he ascends the light the same time I opened my eyes. “Yugyeom-ssi, we-”

“I heard it the first time.” I whisper with a moan. “Can you turn the light off? My eyes hurt. Turn off for fucking God's sake!”

I sat up, scratching my sensitive eyes for a moment.

“So this is your aunt's house?” I look out the window, making sure the address and number was right. The waitress had told me it was a green house. This was a green house. I nodded. “Ok. Let's g-”

“You’ll not come in.” I hasten to say. The black-haired man with a high-necked blouse looks at me in confusion. “She has social problems, Jinyoung. My aunt doesn’t like strangers”.

He stared at me with wide eyes, saying that he would like to know her even more. However, I had no interest in taking him to see the mother of one of the possible shooters and give him material for another A.

Before Jinyoung could say anything, I got out of the car and slammed the door behind me, running toward the house. I had rehearsed what to say countless times, but now that I was facing the siren I didn’t know if I should do.

I didn’t have time to give it up because a lady opened the door.

“Oh!” she said in surprise. “Can I help with anything?"

_Yes. You can tell me what your son was doing with Kim Hansol and if you hadn’t noticed some strange behavior in them._

“Sorry to bother you, ma'am. But is it Kim Sohye's house?”

“Yes but she is not here. Do you want to leave a message?”

“Oh.” I whispered, biting my lip. “Can you tell me if she's going to be late? It's that we worked in the same place and I promised that I could bring her a pen drive.” I lie blatantly, taking the pen drive out of my pocket. “She told me to come deliver in person.” The woman insisted to me give her the pen drive. She even asked my name. “Oh… ah but Sohye noona asked me to wait for her because we have some work to do”.

She studied me for a long moment.

The middle-aged woman sighed deeply, giving way:

“Okay. Come in, come in. I'll make you some tea”.

“Thank you, ms. Kim”.

I could not hide my surprise at seeing so many pictures of Kim Hansol scattered around the room. There were so many photos that it was suffocating and somehow wrong to be there.

“What's your name again?”

I came back to me, walking behind her.

“Kim Taehyung”.

“Oh. What a beautiful name!” she said putting hot water into a cup and smile. “So you work with my girl? How is she there?”

“Very professional ma'am”.

I fought the corner of my eyes, trying to scan the living room.

I didn’t know what to look for in Byung Joo's house because I didn’t know what to expect. Unlike Shin Taeyang's house — who died after complications in his recovery — his mother had gotten rid of all the photos of him, but ms. Kim had many portraits.

His son's smiling face was scattered all over the corner, even those that stood next to Kim Hansol, his killer.

“Taehyung-ssi?” ms. Kim voice made him lift my head. “Would you like to have something to eat while we wait for the tea?”

I opened my mouth.

_What I am doing?_

She had lost her son in the same way that I had lost my best friend. We had suffered in the same way and that lady probably had more wounds in her heart than I could ever dream of. So what was I doing?

“I lied.” I said without taking my eyes from her, who looked really confused. “I do not know your daughter.” I press my thumbnail in the palm of my hand. “I-I-”

"You're one of the survivors”.

Yes I was.

At least I thought so.

“Get out of my house!” Mrs. Kim said seriously, getting up. “Get out”.

As she approached, with a frying pan in hand I kneel.

“Please, please listen to me.” I say hurriedly put my hands together and rubbed them. “I swear I won't make you waste your time. Please!”

Ms. Kim stared at me incredulously, her mouth open.

“No. Get out of-”

“I don’t want to cause trouble!” I say without really looking at her. It wasn’t fair to show my eyes after I had lied. “Yes I am one of the survivors but I don’t want to cause trouble ma’am”,

“So what?” she asked. “What do you want from me?”

“Talk!” I answered with a sigh. “I just want to talk with someone, please ma’am. I didn’t know Kim Hansol or your son, but I was in the crossfire, lost one person and my whole life changed after what happened. But I wasn’t the only one to lose something, was I?” I asked, still with my head down, waiting for her to hit me. “You also lost someone and so did Hansol's mother. We all lost something”.

There was a silence before a sigh.

“I think so. Everyone lost something.” she said, sitting down in the armchair. “Get up Taehyung-ssi. Don’t get down on your knees”.

“Thank you ma’am”.

“So...” she asked visibly affected. “What do you want?”

I looked her in the eyes again.

“Understand.” I answer. “I want to understand what happen”.

It wasn’t an easy or simple conversation.

I had questions that I didn’t understand and did not have replays because Ms. Kim didn’t know how to answer them too. She also had things to ask and say… so it wasn’t an easy or simple conversation.

There were moments when Ms. Kim didn’t know what to say to me and she just came over and stroked my hand. There were moments when she cried until she sobbed and smiled at the end.

There were times when I wished I had never gone to that house.

“Do you think Hansol might have told your son what he was planning to do?” I ask cautiously. “Did he look any different that time?”

“Maybe.” Mrs. Kim answered quietly. “Byung Joo was more anxious at that time, he lived crying and saying strange things as if it were an early goodbye…” she says with a sigh. “The psychologists, those who have been following us during this time, say that he may have discovered something because of the way he was acting. But honestly, I have no idea if he knows about anything”.

I scratch my nail against my finger, thinking of the things Kim Hansol had told Kim Byung Joo when I saw them in the instrument room.

He always knew.

“It may seem like a strange question...” I spoke again, placing the cup on the table. “but he bought something that month?”

The woman stared at me for a moment, confused by the question.

“Actually...” she said, her eyes lit up. “He asked permission to use his father's card to buy a video game. I don’t remember very well, but it was something to play with.” he said. “I know that this was expensive”.

 _It wasn’t my credit card that I used to buy it_. That's what Hansol told his friend that day. Who had used his name to buy something that seemed to leave Byung Joo terrified.

Dad always said that it was easier to get a criminal following trace of bank accounts. Hansol had used a credit card, maybe the police could use the account number to know where exactly he buy the gun.

“I'm sorry to ask…” mrs. Kim gentle voice caught my attention. “but who did you lose, Taehyung-ssi?”

 **Me**. Lost Kim Taehyung and me.

“Kim Yugyeom.” I whispered, staring at my hands. “We were good friends and I lost him that day”.

“I'm so sorry about that _sweetheart_ ”.

I stared at her for a moment. She was the mother of one of those responsible for everything that had happened, mother of a victim. She was a sad, gentle, sweet and seemingly lonely woman.

I felt my phone ring before could say something to her:

“Thank you for letting me stay and for talking to me ms. Kim. It was really amazing to talk to you.” I smiles, getting up after explaining that I needed to go now. “I hope everything get well soon”.

“That’s me how need to thank you. I want you to know that Hansol's family is sorry for all that has happened, they were parents and know how difficult it is for the families.” the woman say very seriously, very truthfully. “I hope you got something from our conversation, I know I did kid, didn’t know until I started talking but I had to talk to someone, one of the lucky ones”.

\- ❖ -

I play in the passenger seat, exhausted and mentally shaken by everything that had been said in that little green house.

If I could go back, wouldn’t have come to Kim Byung Joo's house because now I wanted him to be alive to make his mother happy — even though the boy was part of all that horror that painted Yongsan’s hallway with blood.

“What happened?” Park Jinyoung asked with a yawn, turning the car's light as he awoke from his nap. It had taken longer than I plan. “You said you be back soon, you stayed almost two hours there”.

I pressed my lips together before saying:

“Sorry”.

I didn’t need to look to know he was confused.

“Sorry?” he ask. “Something happened while you were with your aunt?” It was instinctive, defensive but I cringed as I felt his hand touch and squeeze my knee. I keep my eyes fixed there, on his hand and the bandage on it. “Yugyeom-ah?!”

I would like to take ms. Kim sad image away from my mind, forgetting the way she smiled at me as she heard me say how good I was doing after everything. To comfort her when I heard her cry for her son.

I just wanted to forget that afternoon.

“What happened to your hand Jinyoung?”

“What?”

“Your hand.” I repeated myself, pointing to his bandage. I look up in time to see him change his expression. He was worried. “What happened?”

“Ah... er” he stammered, taking his hand away from me. “I got hurt”.

“Yeah? How did you get hurt?” I didn’t really care. If he had broken a glass and cut himself, didn’t care but maybe it was a good replacement. I'd rather talk about Park Jinyoung's bruised hand than think of those sad eyes smiling at me. “Let me guess…” I really preferred to fight with Jinyoung than to have those eyes in my head. “Your father didn’t want to give you a new horse so you freaked out and ended up cutting yourself?”

Again, his expression changed and he smiled humorlessly.

“I don’t why but for some time I almost thing that you'd treat me better after you made me wait for so long. You almost fooled me with that sorry thing”.

“Yeah. I am an idiot and I fool you.” I swallow my saliva. “But like I was asking… what happened to your hand?”

Jinyoung looked at me again, in my eyes this time:

“It was my father”.

“Huh? So I was right?”

“Yes. It was my father and you were right.” he said with a really ugly face. “Not about the horse of course but he cut me with his a sword”.

I stared at him for a moment, behind an inner joke.

“For real?”

“For real. That's what happened.” he wasn’t joking. I parted my lips to say something, but didn’t know what. “It was an accident. Don’t look too scared, my dad don’t spanking me or any of these shit”.

I gasp, impatient.

“And I don’t care Jinyoung!” I smile, put the belt. “Even if he spanking you, I bet it would be for a good reason. You probably deserve it”.

Park Jinyoung nodded with a loud laughter, starting the car:

"It's funny how you act next to me Yugyeom-ssi”.

Anything to forget ms Kim. I smiled at him:

“Really?” I asked falsely surprised. “Explain to me how I act next to you because I have no idea”.

“As if you could hide yourself from me” Park Jinyoung answers before I can finish my thinking. He smile. “The problem is... I can see exactly who you are Yugyeom-ssi.” I swallowed. “I know exactly what you're trying to hide _kiddo_ ”.


	12. T E N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You think you love him more because he was your best friend” Park Jinyoung moves on his bed so quickly that I cannot react. He was sitting with his arm beside me. “Or because he was the only one to find out about your dark secrets?”
> 
> I wish I could see his face, but it was too dark.
> 
> I open my mouth, stunned:
> 
> “What? Jiny-”
> 
> “It's funny don’t you think? That you love Taehyung because he knows who you really are” Jinyoung interrupts me with a hoarse yawn, returning to his initial position. “and hate me for the same damn reason kiddo.” I stop breathing for a moment. He giggles. “Yeah… that's really funny and a little pathetic”.

 

 

 

The fantasy that accompanies and summarizes the anticipation  
that precedes a crime is always more stimulating  
than the immediate sequel to the crime itself.

— Ted Bundy.

Just like the way our trip to Daegu, the trip back to Itaewon was silent. In part, because Park Jinyoung had been certified to create a strange mood with his hand on my knee and his disturbing gaze telling me ‘I know a lot about you’. Partly because I wasn’t in the mood to keep talking to him about anything more.

So I used our two-hour trip to rethink what Kim Byung Joo's mother had told me about her son and best friend.

According to ms. Kim, Hansol was a good boy. He had dealt with some problems but he was happy, kind and always willing to help his best friend. At least that was what Byung Joo’s family thought because that's what Hansol let them see.

From what the woman told me, Hansol wasn’t doing his medical check-up as he insisted on telling everyone. He wasn’t improving because he was living in a lie.

Another thing that caught my attention was the fact that the woman had told me that the boys look awkward before everything. They lived whispers, spent hours and hours watching videos and always talked about games that later she discovered to be shooting games.

Before anything else, she and her husband thought they were just going through a phase. The woman said she could never imagine that Hansol had something like that in his mind and that he would kill her son.

“Yugyeom-ssi?” I heard Park Jinyoung hoarse voices call me. “We're back.” he said without taking his brown eyes from me. “Are you all right?”

“What?”

“You spent the trip making strange sounds...” he said biting his lips, staring at me. “It's not that I care but what happened with your aunt? She didn’t want to help you with your mother surprise?”

“Yes, that's it.” I lie with a sigh. “I knew it would be difficult but I figured she'd like to at least try it.” I explained in a way that sounded real. I watched him nod and put his hair behind his ear with his bandaged hand. Mother always said that we should help those who helped us the best way possible. “Come in with me”.

“What?”

“I can help you with your hand”.

“You-” Jinyoung shrugged. “Are you serious?” I nodded. “Oh! No, you don’t have to do that _Yugyeomie_. I am really good. You can go now”.

I scratched the back of my head:

“Christ give me patience…!” I said, narrowing my eyes. “First have don’t call me that, we are not close. Second. Do you see that rotten reddish color in the bandage? It means there is something wrong with the bruise and you need to care or-”

“What do you know about healing?"

“My mother is a nurse. Not that you need to know that”.

“This does not make you-”

“Who do you think sutures dad when he gets shot or hurt but she's on the hospital?” I cut him, showing my forearm. “Do you see that perfect scar? I was the one who sutures it, so just shut up and come in”.

Jinyoung nods confusedly.

“I-ah-yeah. Okay”.

The dresser clock marked 1:54 AM when we get in my room. At that hour of the night, mom should be in the hospital or sleeping and the only thing that made noise was Park Jinyoung, who walked as if he weighed 100kg.

“If you were a thief, you'd be caught on your first fucking try Jinyoung.” I said with a giggle, passing the key to the door and making him question me for it. “Mama thinks that just because she's bound to me by the blood that she can do everything, like has the right to get in without announcing herself.” I say taking off my jacket. “The sensible thing to do is to lock the door, or she can come in lik-”

“Got it. Your mother loves you and fucks with your personal space”.

“Geez! What a hard feelings dude. Doesn’t your mother love you that same way?” I asked, taking out all the rings to wash my hand. “Or she doesn’t really love you? Huh? She thinks you’re annoying and that kind of shit?”

“What?” Jinyoung's eyes widened. “Of course she loves me!”

“Okay”.

“Okay”.

I stared at him confused.

Why was he so defensive?

“Whatever!” I roll my eyes. “Wait for me here, I am getting the medical kit”.

The first thing I did was to look at me. I had been wearing the same clothes since morning, so it was automatic to wash my face and all that was covered. When I finally raised my head and looked in the mirror, I realized how exhausted I was.

That had been a long day.

“Yugyeom-ssi?” I heard Jinyoung's voice echo from the room.

“Just a minute…” I reply, wiping my face. “I found. Sit down”.

“Whoa.” Park Jinyoung whispered his eyes on my now naked neck. I had cleaned the whole foundation. “I cannot get used to them.” he was referring to my tattoos. I separate my lips but ignore it and sit on the bed. For some reason, I had forgotten that we weren’t friends and that Jinyoung didn’t see me without makeup. I opened the suitcase. “You never told me why you hide them all the time”.

“And why should I?” I pursed my lips, undoing the ridiculous tangle of his filthy bandage. “We are not friends”.

“You really are a boring person _catrina boy_.” he complains, moving away. I pulled it back, gripping his fist tightly. As expected, the cut was infected. I play aseptic alcohol and it reacts instantly. “Christ Yugyeom-ah, this hurt...!” Jinyoung yells forcing me to put my hand in his mouth. He pushes her away and looks at me, mad. “It hurt”.

“Melanie Martinez must have made her song crybaby for you”.

“Oh yes. How about I open a crack in your hand and then stick my finger in it, huh? Let's see who’s the fucking crybaby”.

“Probably you. I don’t have that kind of kink you know?” Jinyoung's eyes widened. “What? A straight man cannot know gay slang?”

“First…” Jinyoung laughed. “That's not a gay slang, _kiddo_. It's a kind of fetish. Even though rebels like you can have one. Second, take it easy on me please” he said, referring to his hand. “That hurts”.

“ _Aish_. Just shut up and let me finish it.” I snitch going back to work on his hand. Don’t know why but Jinyoung began to explain to me how he had been injured. He and his father were fighting with real swords when Jinyoung got distracted and made a wrong move. “Done”.

Park Jinyoung stares at me with a yawn still forming on his mouth, which I followed involuntarily, and nodded tiredly. It’s 2:20 AM.

“Shit.” I mumble. “You're falling asleep right?” sighed in disbelief at what I was about to suggest. I wasn’t really worried about the possible accident that he would get in if he drove in that state, was more worried about the weight that would be on my conscience if he killed himself or someone. “You'd better sleep here”.

For the third time that night Jinyoung looked surprised.

“You wan-”

“I don’t give a shit about you Jinyoung, just don’t want to wake up tomorrow and see on the news that you kill some old lady for driving this way. You live far away and spent the day behind the wheel, you’ll end up killing someone.” stop him before he says anything that makes me want to kick him out. After putting my mom’s first aid kid under the bed, I walked over to the wardrobe and took out a piece of clothing. “You can wear these. I already wore the underwear but mom washed it.” say scratching my head. _I really need to wash my hair_. Jinyoung sniff. “There's a clean towel in the third drawer, brush your tooth with your finger because I don’t have a reserve brush…” to be honest I had reserves brushes but they were for Bambam or Jaebeom, not for that stupid Park _fucking idiot_ Jinyoung. “I'll get some blankets to you”.

I silently picked up some blankets and placed it on the floor next to my bed, while Park Jinyoung took the longest shower in history. For a long moment, I really thought that he'd drown in the tub.

As soon as the man left the bathroom, drying his hair and yawning like a five-year-old kid, I started laughing.

He was so funny in my clothes that I, involuntarily, get my phone and take a picture. Jinyoung looked like a baby in a sack.

“If you post this, I swear I'll kill you!”

“Do you really think I would let anyone dream that you slept at my house? That you wear my clothes?” he looks at me with an ugly expression that makes me giggle again. “No fucking way dude. It would be like giving a shot in my foot, I am not that crazy to do that”.

Jinyoung nodded impatiently, pointing to the bed:

“Can I lie down?”

“Am I stopping you?”

He nodded again and lay down, throwing the blankets just over his feet before stood aside and closed his eyes. I studied him for a moment.

Jinyoung was strange even in bedtime. _Why did Bambam like him so much?_ I question myself, turning off my phone and the lamp next to the bed before going to bed too.

“Yugyeom-ssi?”

I keep my eyes closed.

“Yugyeom-ssi?” Jinyoung calls again, his voice is lower and I wonder how that was possible, murmur for him. “What was Taehyung like?”

I open your eyes.

“Huh?” I frown in the darkness. “What was Taehyung like?”

“Yeah. What was he like?” Jinyoung asks me seriously. “Bambam says you two were really close, like flesh and nail, but you never speak about him unless someone touches his name.” he explains calmly. “So… was he like?”

Why did he want to know that?

Silence.

_Are you trying to study me to win another A?_

“Did you love him?”

“Park Jinyo-”

“I don’t know what your definitions of love are or how tiny your brain makes you a jerk, but there's more than one way to love someone, Yugyeom. I love my friends. Don’t you love yours?”

Silence.

If he wanted an A, I would grant him that wish because I didn’t have the strength to fight over something that shouldn’t hurt anymore.

“Taehyung was the most cheerful person in the whole world.” I say between a long sigh. I really didn’t like to talk about Taehyung with strangers because they never understood the depth of his brief existence on Earth, because they didn’t understand how special he was to the point of deciphering untold words. I still wanted to say that to Jinyoung so he could take a step back, he could see that he wasn't allowed to get in that territory ever again. Under any circumstances, he should touch Taehyung's name again. I turned on the bed. “He was funny, weird and gentle.” so the only thing I could do to kill his curiosity told him something about Taehyung. “He had this thing of being able to talk to anyone without seeming to know the person and he’s so sweet that everyone wants to love him, you know?  Like, I bet if you had known him you would have fallen in love with that idiot because everything about him attracts people. Taehyung was like an imam. He as an amazing person”.

I sigh, staring into the darkness of the room.

"So you loved him”.

I nod.

“Yeah Jinyoung. I loved him”.

I laughed internally, partly because I do never said that I loved Taehyung aloud. Partly because I felt silly to have finally said it.

“You think you love him more because he was your best friend” Park Jinyoung moves on his bed so quickly that I cannot react. He was sitting with his arm beside me. “Or because he was the only one to find out about your dark secrets?”

I wish I could see his face, but it was too dark.

I open my mouth, stunned:

“What? Jiny-”

“It's funny don’t you think? That you love Taehyung because he knows who you really are” Jinyoung interrupts me with a hoarse yawn, returning to his initial position. “and hate me for the same damn reason _kiddo_.” I stop breathing for a moment. He giggles. “Yeah… that's really funny and a little pathetic”.

— ❖ —

Friday.

The week had passed like a white blur to me.

There were many moments in that week, many confessions, meetings, fightings. Many conversations with the light off.

Everything had happened too quickly and I could barely remember how the week had begun for me before entering that room and receiving curious glances from everyone, especially my teacher:

“Mr. Kim!” mr. Kwon shouted, clapping as I stumbled into a backpack and dropped an empty desk. “Of course you would come back with a grand entrance right?” he said, making the class laugh. I sat down with Bambam. “If you can come back in silence Yugyeom, it does be grateful”.

“I get it sir. I am making a noise”.

Mumble wasn’t a good idea, because Bambam kicked me under the table and told me to shut up before we were both penalized for my behavior. I stared angrily with him.

“ _Thanks for asking how I am going. I hope you're well too_ ”. Bambam said before I could say anything to him. I closed my mouth. “You didn’t know the news? I almost threw up my life through my mouth yesterday”.

Kunpimook Bhuwakul Bambam was definitely the drama king.

Roll my eyes, taking the notebook to write the lesson:

“Really?” my best friend growls. “Yugyeom!”

“Hyung…” I sigh. “I lost three days. I need to take back the class if I really want to get into Hanyang UNI next year”.

“ _Aish!”_ Bambam snorted and laid his face back on the table. This wasn’t even his class. The Thai generally didn’t have the first period on Fridays but always ended up begging for mr. Kwon let him take a nap in his class. He sniffs to get my attention. “I'm here all worried and the only thing he wants to know about is his fucking class. Incredible friendship”.

“Bambam-ah...” I whisper, watching him sideways. “Shut up please, need to write those equations if I want to pass in my exams”.

Bambam tried everything to get my attention for the rest of the day, however, I had lost really important stuff and couldn’t waste time with his hysterical shows. So I tried not to cross his path in the hallways while changing class and also put my phone in airplane mode.

I didn’t want to be disturbed.

At 11:30 AM I stuck in ed. Physics, covered half of my body with dermacol6 and ran to the field, begging for the teacher to let me participate in the class — he almost excluded me because of my absences but Momo managed to do it for me whit her pretty smile, so he gives me a second chance.

At lunch, around 12:30 PM, I stuffed some books in my backpack and ran into the canteen — hadn’t even bathed or wiped the sweat from my face — passing my eyes on everyone's faces I didn’t know better.

I picked up a tray, heading toward the table on the south side.

“Excuse me?” called with a weary smile. “Ah, can I sit here? The other tables are full, I wanted some calm space”.

It hadn’t been difficult to get Hansol and Byung's friends names.

Mrs. Kim wasn’t lying when she said she needed to talk with someone, because she told me about her son's life and told me that one of Byung Joo's friends continued to study in the place that terrified him while the others had fled the country to overcome.

“Ah…” he nodded before actually saying something, pulling his backpack from the accent on the table. “Yeah. Of course. Feel free”.

“Thanks man.” I smile friendly, throwing my backpack on the floor and sitting in front of him, where his backpack was. “Uhm... I don’t know you from somewhere?” I asked, pressing my lips together. “Oh. Seo Sangwon. It's you right?” I laugh in a false surprise. “Whoa. You are the best in dance class dude. I saw one of your special presentations. In April”.

“Oh. Yeah. It's me.” Sangwon raised his eyes, looking surprised that someone remembered him. “And you like it?” ‘of course’ I say to him and he smiles again. “Nice. I am glad that you like it. Means a lot”.

“ _Tsc_ , no need!” smile back. I hadn’t seen any of his presentations, at least not in person. Unlike the others who had deleted their profiles, Seo Sangwon had just erased Hansol's existence from his page, leaving everything else there. It wasn’t difficult to create a fake profile and send an invitation to him. “Why did you do that Sangwon-ssi?”

Seo Sangwon paused, looking at me confused.

“Do what?”

“Why did you delete Hansol's photos from your Facebook?” I asked without really looking at him, separating the peas from my dish. I hated peas. “Do you think that it’s a nice thing to do with someone who was your friend and now was dead? _Tsc_. What an ugly movie”.

“What?” He coughed as he sat down again. “I-ah-I don’t know what are you talking about. Hansol?”

“Really?” I giggle. “Dude, don’t do this. I mean, everyone knows that you and Hansol were friends. Yeah he's dead for doing something bad and you deleted his photos, but everyone knows man.” I explained calm, shrugging my shoulders. “And… fuck, you know that teenagers are like freak crazy about taking prints of everything right?”

Sangwon's slender lips curved into a fake smile:

“This is a prank?”

“A prank? Look, I don’t know if you know that, but you have a meme Instagram account, the owner's name is Jihoon and I think he's a hater over you and Hansol’s friends.” I bite a piece of toast. “But he has done a good job taking a print from comments and he even has some Hansol’s old photos you know? So I just had to send a request to see everything he had published since the attack... and I don’t know how the cops don’t know about this… yet”.

I did not need to tell him what people were exactly commenting about Hansol's friends, he probably knew... I could see it in his face.

 “Wouldn’t it be interesting if the police knew you lied in your testimony?” I smile, watching his face become pale. “I have to admit one thing to you… I read your profile. Like, you know that my father is the sheriff in charge of the case right?” I whisper leaning on the table, get close to him. “Imagine what it would be like if I told the cops that you-”

“What do you want from me?” Sangwon shout. I knew that my mouth had curved into a smile. He lows his voice. “Are you going to say that you can make everything disrepair? That you can delete the photos? Yeah like I could believe in that shit. Your dad's a sheriff not from the fucking FBI you idiot, you can’t do anything against me”.

“Ya, Sangwonie...” I murmured with a fake sad face, projecting my lower lip forward. “Why are you talking to me like that? I am just trying to help you here man.” I whispered upset. Seo Sangwon smirked and stood up again, shoving the soda at me. I smiled sarcastically back, wiping away the dirt he had just made on my t-shirt. “You have a difficult temper. Why Hansol didn’t kill you, huh?”

“How can you-”

“I mean” cut him off again. “I know you two were seeing each other and probably exchanging body fluids back then, ewc…” gritted my teeth, falsely thoughtful. “But how did Hansol deal with you?”

The things you would get on the internet were really fascinating when you knew the right people. Because of my dad, I knew some skillful people and this person was very good at imitating him on the phone.

It was simple to get in touch with an ex-friend and ask him to help me get Jihoon’s number, who really believed when I said I was an Itaewon policeman and that I would arrest him if he didn’t give me all that he had about Kim Hansol.

Dunk kids usually do anything when they are frightened, so it's obvious that Jihoon sent me everything that he had by email.

I took two of the photos from the backpack and placed them on the table, facing Seo Sangwon. He looked dazed as if he were going to faint if he did not sit down as fast as he could.

“Ah-I-it-we...” he lips trembled. “It was just a true or dare challenge game! We were not together. It was just a fucking a game”.

I smiled sideways, putting my elbows on the table to support my face in my hands:

“Yeah. I know that silly.” I whispered, shaking my head. Sangwon's eyes seemed slightly hopeful. “But that's not what I am going to tell my father when I give these pictures to him”.

— ❖ —

Despite having made a good hint, Seo Sangwon wasn’t the one I was looking for. Unfortunately, the boy had a really consistent alibi, his passport. Seo Sangwon was on Jeju Island with Jeon Ho Joon — which was another of Hansol’s friends — the day dad said the cameras catch Hansol bought in the gun store.

So he and Ho Joon couldn’t be Hansol’s partner — because I had this weird feeling that Yongsan shooter wasn’t an isolated act, that Hansol hadn’t planned all this on his own. Like, he was dead and even though a girl had been murdered, a college was massacred and someone had left a message on his grandmother's gravestone.

Kim Hansol wasn’t alone and the cops were probably wrong to think about this as a religious attack. It wasn’t about religion or politic acts or whatever shit the media was assuming. It was more. I felt it was.

“Kim Yugyeom!” Bambam's squeaky voice echoes, making me lift my head and shove the photos back into my backpack. Bambam was with Jeon Jungkook and Park Jimin. “Are you avoiding me? I've been looking for you like crazy!”

As he moves closer, all my muscles stiffened in stress.

I look directly at Jeon.

We were friends.

Before Taehyung came into my life and Park Jimin resolved to speak more than he should, Jeon Jungkook and I were friends. In the past, people used to say that we didn’t fit together but we’re a group. Bambam had an enlightened way to making everyone laugh, Jungkook was a five-year-old kid in a teenager body, Sanha was always our trick target and he always ended up crying for it. Dahyun was definitely the link that kept everyone together in an authoritarian and hyperactive way. And Jaebeom was certainly the hyung who scolded, tugged our ear, kicked our ass and act as our mother. And I… uhm…

I was the one who ruined things for everyone.

“Hello? Earth calling Kim Yugyeom!”

“Yeah… hi.” I blink. “Shit. I forgot to warn you hyung. I had a hard time in ed. Physics and was sent to the infirmary. It must have been about 15 minutes that I was released”.

Bambam raised his eyebrows analyzing me:

“Are you feeling sick?” He asked curiously. “Did you puke again?”

“Yeah.” I shake my head, confirming. “But you don’t have to worry about this, she gave me some drugs and I’m feeling better now”.

“Oh. Got it.” Bambam nodded back, staring at my expression before turning to Jeon and say. “Mr. Pyo and mrs. Boo joined the classes because of final work.” he explained, referring to the fact that he was walking with those two. I nodded chewing my cheeks. “Jungkook and I offer to pick up some instruments in the music room. Don’t ask me why I was boring. Jimin hasn’t class and decided to help. Our teacher gave him permission”.

“Oh. Okay”.

“Can I ask you a question?” Jeon Jungkook’s rough voice made me look at him. “Why are you always lying to him?” he knew a lot about me than Bambam because we were childhood friends. Jeon had been in my life ever since I remembered my existence, so of course, he knows I am lying, he is my fucking childhood close friend. “Huh? Why?”

“What?” I asked confused. “What are you talking about now Jungkook-ssi? Is it your other way to make me angry?”

Jungkook laughed, running his fingers over his lip. He did it when he wanted to be sarcastic or was about to smash someone's head.

“I know you better Gyeom-ah.” he said without taking the smile from his face. “Your chin always shakes when you lie, so…”

 _Shit Jungkook, don’t make me want to beat you_. I sigh.

“Yugyeom?”

“Hyung!” I grasp. “Don’t you remember what my mother said? That I was sick last week and this is why I missed so many classes? And I don’t feel 100% so I overreacted and still feel bad”.

But of course, he didn’t believe it because Jungkook had messed everything with his huge mouth and now Bambam was looking at me like he was really hurt by something I did without noticing.

“Being sick doesn’t stop you from lying...” Bambam said in a low voice, staring at me. “What happens? What are you hiding from me?”

I grumble, getting up.

“Nothing! I am not hiding anything.” I answer angry. “I don’t believe you're going to listen to Jungkook. He's just trying to be an asshole”.

“Right…” Jungkook laughed, clapping his hands. “What a great actor, Kim Yugyeom. You’re great”.

“I swear to you, Jeon...” I grit my teeth. “Shut up your fucker”.

“Yeah.” Park Jimin whispered. He was probably trying to protect his little friend. “No need to get angry _hyung 7_”.

“Yugyeom-ssi!” I correct him between my teeth. “Don’t call me hyung, we're not friends you idiot. It's Yugyeom-ssi for you”.

“Christ, you never change. You still the same fucking asshole right Yugyeom? Even worse, you still lying to everyone”.

“Look here your-”

“Yugyeom!” Bambam yelled pulling me be the shirt. “Stop messing up, please.” he says seriously. I sigh. “And swear with your little finger that you're not lying to me. Swear and I'll believe it”.

I looked at him surprised at his request. Bambam didn’t make me swear about anything since we were in junior year. I put my other hand back, crossing my fingers:

“I swear to God and with my fucking little finger!” I whispered, raising my little finger to entwine in his on. “Sorry that I didn’t warn you that I almost pass out, I promise it will not happen again. I promise you”.

Jeon Jungkook's applause made me uncross my finger, turning completely to him. I wish I could break his head into the fucking wall.

“It's sad but not a surprise to see you get to that point to hide your secrets Yugyeom.” Jeon Jungkook smile, thrusting his hands into the pockets of his team jacket. “I hope you have a good health plan Bambam, you will probably need it when you realize that you were being cheated this whole time. Your friend is a fucking liar and you believe in him”.

  1. **Dermacol**. It is a super waterproof concealer with express coverage that is used to cover stretch marks, tattoos or scars.
  2. **Hyung**. It isn’t a hallucination. In this fanfic, Jimin is younger than the rest of them and is a year younger than Yugyeom.




	13. E L E V E N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I knelt down beside him, listening to him sniff.
> 
> I didn't know exactly why, but he didn't look like someone who was upset just because he didn't have one of his friends on his side. It seemed like something else, something that was disturbing him.
> 
> “I screwed everything up!”
> 
> “What do you mean?” I ask worried because I had never seen him cry or show such a fragility mood. It was scary to see. “What did you do?”
> 
> “Jinyoung…”
> 
> “You can tell me anything... what happens?”
> 
> I never saw him that way, so sad and vulnerable, as if she needed a hug. Yugyeom stared at my mouth for a long moment until he finally meets my eyes and said something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the delay in updating, I am full of college projects and need to finish my course completion project, so I have had little time to update but I promise I will try harder.
> 
> Thank you the people who text me, you are so amazing, I would be nothing without this support.  
> Hope you like it!

 

 

  
Light thinks it travels faster than anything, but it's not true.   
No matter how fast she is, she always finds the darkness   
that has come there in the first place and is waiting for her.  
— Terry Pratchett.

The problem with lies is that they always end up fucking us when someone discovers everything. In certain circumstances hide the problem itself was significantly simple. In other cases, when someone like Jeon Jungkook exists in your life, it was impossible to hide things.

Therefore, thanks to Jungkook and his big mouth, I had to make the great sacrifice to go with Bambam and his new annoying boyfriend, Lee Jooheon — especially introduced to him by Jaebeom — to a party.

Ah, yeah… going out with Bambam and Jooheon wouldn’t a huge sacrificial because I have a plan to stay with the boys and pretend I didn’t care about them, but the real sacrifice was to have a deal with Park Jinyoung while Kunpimook Bhuwakul Bambam uses anyone way to make the man jealous of him.

It had been such a shitty night to me and the only thing, after drinking too much, I really remembered as having sex with someone and having heard Bambam call me daddy for God’s know why.

And my sacrifices didn’t stop on Saturday, because Sunday I was dragged to nightclub again — to be the third wheel again. The only difference was that Jackson got the day off and clinging into Jaebeom's neck for all the night.

So since I wasn’t drunk enough, I just watched Mark Tuan watching them with reddish eyes and a glass in his hand. I also had a medication moment with Youngjae —, which should be forbidden to drink — and laughed until felt my stomachache because of Yoongi.

The only problem that night was Lee fucking Jooheon, who decided to be the biggest idiot at the fucking night.

“Gyeom-ah!” he shouted, throwing himself beside me. “Aren’t you going to dance today?” Jooheon asked, putting his arm around my shoulders.

“No. Not today”.

“Oh, boo! How boring...” the boy murmured, prolonging the last vowel of the word. I nodded impatiently. “Bambam told me that you and Yoongi are the only heteros in the group. Why?”

“Ah… I don’t know? What the sky is blue?”

Jooheon laughed.

“Good. Very good. You got me.” the blonde man laughed patting me on the shoulder. “You know, you look like someone I knew.” Jooheon says without taking his eyes off me. “I mean, not that I personally knew but that someone showed me some pictures and told me about. You look a lot like him, Yugyeom-ssi”.

“Cool”.

“He was gay”.

“He dies?”

“What?”

“It's that you said he was instead of he is”.

“Oh. That…” Jooheon giggle again, look suspicious at me. “He decided not to be gay anymore. At least he pretending to everyone that he is not anymore. Some shit like that”.

I nodded, bored.

I didn’t like that Jooheon guy.

“Hyung!” hear Bambam screams and then see him pull Park Jinyoung, who throws himself in my side. “Come dance with me!”

Mark sat down next to him, placing the bottle he had picked on the table while talking to Jinyoung, who was pulled by the wrist by a shaken and too drunk Bambam.

“No.” Jinyoung's replay was silly. “I don’t want to. Ask your boyfriend”.

“Ya. I don’t want to dance with him.” Bambam grunted, turning to Jooheon. Jinyoung ignores him and Bambam sniff. “Okay. Joh-”

“I don’t want too” Jooheon stammered like a spoiled child. “Not now, Bammie. Gyeom-ah and I were talking about something important”.

I looked at him in disbelief.

“Wha-”

“Call one of your friends.” Jooheon say cut me. “So Yugy-”

“Yugyeom-ssi?” Park Jinyoung called my name over Jooheon's voice and Bambam's complaint. I turned to him. “Didn’t you say that you need to show me something for my UNI project?”

“Yugyeom-ssi? Aren’t you two friends?” Jooheon laughed. “Huh?”

Park Jinyoung sniff tightly in a tense way:

“No. We're not that close and I am not forcing a nickname that he doesn’t want to be used by anyone who isn’t close to him to do that”.

I raised my eyebrows.

Why was he helping me?

Because I helped him with his hand?

“Okay, okay!” Bambam stop them, clapping his hands. “Let's stop this shit because I don’t want to see anyone fight tonight, so leave them alone and come dance with me babe!”

After that, Yoongi took Youngjae home, decided not to come back because he was drunk and would work early the next day. Bambam spent almost half an hour rock his ass against Jooheon, staring at the table where we were — probably because of Park Jinyoung, who wasn’t paying any attention to him — and when I thought the night couldn’t get any worse, Mark asked me again about what I thought about Jaebeom and Jackson. However, it was not me who answered that question, because I did not want to get involved in that shit.

“Jackson likes Jaebeom.” Jinyoung replied bluntly, filling his glass with water. I looked at him in surprise. “What? Should I lie and say that Jackson doesn’t like Jaebeom hyung? Tsc”.

“No. But you could have been less rude”.

“Whatever.” he said to his friend. “They like each other and you want to know the worst? It is your fucking fault! It was you who decided to pretend you didn’t like Ja-”

“What? Who decided to do the same thing you did when Seokjin hyung says what he feels for you?” Mark Tuan's giggle, steely voice bounces back, causing Jinyoung to cough. “Yeah, I know this is my fucking fault”.

Suddenly I felt sober and interested in the subject because I sank down on the couch and let them look at each other while watching everything:

“What did you say?” Jinyoung's eyes closed quickly. Uh. Mark’s replay had taken effect. “This isn’t the same thing!” he said looking directly his American friend. “He was married and-”

“He wasn’t married when you found that you love him, right?” Uh. Another heavy comment. I had no idea who Seokjin was, but that fight was surreal. Mark Tuan is a snake. “No Jinyoung, he wasn’t. I remember him crying for days when he came to look for you and saw you with that guy, also remember you pretending that you didn’t care that he was leaving to marry someone else”.

“If you know all this, why don’t you do something to don’t do the same mistake huh?” Jinyoung snapped. “Look at them, Mark! Do you think Jackson will really feel something for you while he has Jaebeom being honest with his feelings? I think not!” I smash my lips together. Whoa, Park Jinyoung is also a snake. “You’ll never be with him and…” Jinyoung smirk. “At least Seokjin and I have something real. Cannot say the same about you and Jackson... can I hyung?”

I buried my head even more on the couch.

If they were to fight, I did not want to get in the crossfire.

But contrary to what I expected, Mark only gritted his teeth and literally broke a glass in his hand. Like… for real.

I had never seen him so furious.

“Tell me if it hurts okay?” I say, blinking my eyelids in a hurry to make my eyes work again. “You were lucky that the glass didn’t cut you too deep, otherwise wouldn’t have been able to help you.” say to him, receiving a fragile smile from his lips. “Hyung?”

“Huh?”

I was curious and a little bit drunk.

“Who's Seokjin?”

It was not something that I do, ask about other people's private lives, but my head was clouded with alcohol and I wanted to let my curiosity surface a little. It had been a while since I had felt myself grow that way for something.

Mark Tuan thought for a moment.

“Seokjin…” his voice started softly. “He is Jinyoung's childhood friend, Gyeom-ah. They have been best friends for too long”.

“Oh.” I nodded without taking my eyes off his cut. “But Jinyoung was in love with this Seokjin?” Mark nodded. I nodded again. “And he left to get marry with another person?”

“Yeah”.

“Fuck.” I say, looking at his sad face. “This is a little funny because cannot imagine Jinyoung in love with someone. It must be difficult”.

“Yeah.” Mark said automatically, turning his head in Park Jinyoung’s direction, who was in the counter. “It's still difficult because he still loves him. He just doesn’t know how to admit it to himself”.

I follow his gaze. Jinyoung looked really sad.

“Oh…” I watched him, surprised because I did not suspect that Park Jinyoung could be in love with anyone. “Fuck”.

“Yeah. He is in love with Seokjin hyung but he never knew how to admit it and Seokjin was also in love with him”.

“But he decides to marry someone else? Why?”

“It’s Jinyoung’s fault.” his answer was so simple. “He was a complete idiot back then, a child afraid of everything and everyone”.

“Park Jinyoung? Afraid?” I raised my eyebrows. “Don’t mess with-”

“Yugyeomie, do you think I could lie about this?” he asked with a sad smile at the corner of his mouth. “Jinyoung was a drunk person in the past, sometimes he still gets a little drunk and calls Seokjin hyung but he never says anything, just stands in line listening to him talk alone”.

Oh. I look at the man again at the counter. He didn’t look like someone that does that kind of thing, cry over someone he loves.

“Do you want to hear my opinion?” I asked turning to him, still holding his injured hand. He nodded. “I cannot tell in words if Jaebeom hyung feels anything real for Jackson, he's too dense to shows anything about this own feelings and cannot believe that Jackson hyung feels anything for him either. What I really think is… they are just familiar with each other and this is good that way, but it isn’t love”.

“Yugyeom-”

“For real hyung! I know Jaebeom too well to say that it is not love from him.” I repeat, squeezing his hand gently. “And about Jackson? Maybe you should start paying attention to how he looks at you, listens to you, touches you... how much he loves you, hyung”.

Mark looked scared:

“What? Gyeom-ah, I-I don’t thin-”

“Don’t stress yourself think about this for now and don’t be impressed by my mature and perfect advice!” I say changing the subject, giving him space to breathe a little. “But thank me when you started to dating that Chinese over there okay?”

Mark swallowed hard and looked at Jackson with a smile.

“Yes. Promise to thank you when I get together with him”.

— ❖ —

The first thing I saw when I get home was my father.

“God. Are you an alcoholic like your mother's father?” dad stood up, coming toward me. I thought I would tell him that mom would kill him if he heard that, but was so dizzy that I just nodded and let myself be guided by him. “Fuck God. Can you walk?”

“Honey?” I heard my mother's voice. “What happened?”

“He drank a little.” dad answered. Before she could offer to take care of me, he pushed me into the room, making me fall to the floor and moan in pain. “I'll take care of him, go back to bed”.

“Just don’t kill him, okay?” I heard her laugh. “We have just one child, so don’t kill him for God’s sake”.

“Come one Yugyeom.” dad say helping me get up off the floor, putting me in bed. “Jesus. What did you drink?” He asked taking off my shoes and pants. “And why are you smell like that?”

“I think a girl threw upon me”.

“Crist…” I heard him sigh. “Come on, get your ass up.” dad says patiently, but I was too lazy to move. “Yugyeom? Get up”.

“Noooooooooooooo”.

“If you don’t get up right now” he growled, pulling my shirt without patience. “I swear I'm going to kill you. I'll kill you, huh?”

“Dad!” I complain between laughs. “How can you say that sort of thing to me? This isn’t right old man” say, licking my lips. “Parents shouldn’t say such things to their kids. Didn’t you learn anything from aunt Jieun?

“Lim Jieun has a smart and good son who doesn’t go out to drink his whole life and comes back smelling of vomit.” dad said with a smile, taking my clothes. “Do you really want to compare this kind of thing?”

“Of course!” I shout. “She treats hyung like a prince and he drinks like me too. And he’s fucking gay, old man”.

Dad laughed, approaching the bed.

“Oh really?” I nodded, closing my eyes. “Okay sweet, I'm going to talk to your mother and we'll treat you better, huh? We'll also send you to rehab because good parents take care of their children and don’t let them go around drinking that way.” he said, point at me. “I promise I'll start looking for a clinic today’s morning”.

I opened my eyes.

“Dad…” slyly snorting his hand. “I was joking!”

“Oh? Right?”

“Yeah!”

Dad laughs, pulling a few strands of hair from my face.

“Dad?” I hear him mutter in response. “Help me with my pajamas like when I was a child, huh? Please...”

“Please?” dad laugh, patting my cheeks. “You're twenty now, do you really want me to see you naked?” I pout. It's not like he's never even seen it so of course, I want. “Whoa, who would have thought drink too much would get you to that point huh? How is this possible Gyeom-ah?”

“Any… don’t mess with me, dad!” he giggles. “I hate you. Get out”.

“Okay, he's back to his normal. Nothing new in Korea”.

I laugh.

“Who taught you this meme?”

“Bambam”.

It made sense. Bambam really liked memes.

My father puts the blanket over me and arranges my hair again, removing it from my eyes before turning off the lamp:

“Sleep well Gyeom-ah. Tomorrow I'll give you a scold”.

“Yeah, yeah. Night dad”.

— ❖ —

Although I had plans to wake up when the moon decided to reappear in the sky, I was awakened around 6:10 AM for annoying calls.

“Aish!” I groan, twisting my hand over the mattress behind the fucking phone. “Where...” I lick my lips.

When I finally found it right under my head, I opened my eyes a little and tried to see the name on the screen. If it were Bambam, I would kill him for waking me up at that hour after a night out.

NUMBER LOCKED.

I pressing the device against my ear. Don’t know exactly what happened, but in an instant, I didn’t hear anything and in the other had to sit with the fright I took, because some fucking music echoed in my ear.

I checked the display again, realizing that I had answered an unknown call. Dad always said that it wasn’t smart to accept calls from blocked numbers, from countries or unknown we didn’t know, but I was so sleepy that I didn’t realize it until listen to that noisy song.

As soon as I finished the call, the unknown number bombarded me with messages, which began to fill my notifications and make me face the device again.

Though I knew I shouldn’t be fooled into being cheated by thieves or anything like that, I grabbed my phone and opened the messages. They were all from some blocked number. They were videos.

Videos from me.

The first one showed me coming to the club with Bambam and Jooheon at my side. The third was a video of me with Jackson and Jaebeom on the dance floor with a girl.

“What the hell…?”

The last videos had been filmed from above, but anyone could recognize me on that shoot... fucking a girl I had just met at the bar.

I could not believe that some motherfucker had recorded me having sex. It was unbelievable that I fell for this kind of stupid joke. Bambam had already get involved in something like that, with a boy that he fucks.

That shit Yongsan prank.

 **Kim Yugyeom**  
3:15pm  
Who is it?

 _1min agora_  
How did you record those shit?

 _2min ago_  
If it's some kind of joke, you've wasted your time  
I don’t give a shit about this.

I stood up and put the phone on the dresser because I needed a shower, a cup of coffee and patience because my day had started in the worst possible way: with some son of a bitch pissing me off.

As soon as I left the bathroom, I heard a new notification.

Ignore it. That's what I told myself. Another notification.

If I am not mistaken, there were seven notifications until I was out of my mind. If they wanted to see me get angry, they’ll see me angry.

I opened the chat.

The final video was from my room. I was lying in my bed, hugging my pillow and my eyes were closed. It was minutes ago.

I turned to the dresser, were always left my notebook.

“What the fuck...” I whispered, my eyes widening.

The camera was on.

My phone rings in my hand.

 **UNKNOWN ID 3:19 pm**  
Stop looking for me or you’ll end hurting yourself.

I didn’t know exactly why, but since I'd woken up the only thing I could repeat in my mind was Kim Yugyeom's harsh words to me last night.

He had been annoyed by the way I treated Mark and even after the American apologized, Yugyeom still pulled me into the corner and told me things I never expected to hear from his mouth.

“You cannot just hurt someone for being hurt too! I understand that you suffer but if you make Mark hyung cry again, I'll punch your fucking pretty face. I don’t care if Bambam will hate me for it, don’t mess with him like that again”.

I had only seen him like that once when he saw me in the bathroom with another person who wasn’t Bambam and I really understood why he does it, Bambam was he’s a longtime friend. However, Mark was different, they had just met and yet Yugyeom defended him like a mama bear.

I was really surprised and worried about the way he had treated me because of Mark, so I thought twice when Bambam called asking if I would like to go and watch a movie at Kim's house.

Yugyeom had made a birthday that month. Twenty years.

From what Bambam said, they used to watch random movies to celebrate it, but they hadn’t gotten time to do it because Yugyeom was traveling on that day. Now that they had more friends, he wanted to make this a joint celebration — but I was pretty sure that Yugyeom doesn’t want that, but didn’t say anything because it could hurt Bambam’s feelings.

“Jaebeom hyung is still in Hongdae. Something about having a monitor with a singing teacher.” Bambam said as he sat in the passenger seat. “Yoongi is working and cannot come. Hoseok will only show up after 8 PM because he's with his mother and sister. I couldn’t talk to Sanha, Youngjae goes there with Jackson and Mark hyung”.

“So unless Yoongi and Sanha, everyone will be present...?” I asked him, wrinkling my eyebrows. “Then why that ugly face?”

“Hyung, do you know Kim Yugyeom?!” I hoped it was a rhetorical question. Bambam sigh, really mad. “I'll explain the basics, yes?”

“Yeah…?” I narrowed my eyes. “Okay. Wha-”

“He hates when people show up without warning, hates when someone touches Diana without permission!” Bambam cut me off, turning totally to me. “He also hates hot tea and, above all, when someone makes surprise parties that don’t contain the punctual presence of the only person who can make him feel good on this planet Earth, Lim Jaebeom”.

“Oh…”

“Yeah!” Bambam whimpers hysterically. “So how cares if Yoongi or Sanha will not be there? Yugyeom will kill us because Jaebeom failed to do the only task I give to him!”

“That’s to calm Yugyeom-ssi?”

“Exactly!” he exclaimed again. “He's going to tie me up, kill everyone in front of me and then kill me”.

“Bambam?” I called him with laughter. “Just relax! He's your best friend, he will not kill you… maybe he'll kill me. But not you”.

“You think so?”

I nodded.

“Yeah. I’m sure about it”.

— ❖ —

Yugyeom’s mom greeted us, saying she’s going to call her son while she put the dinner table before leaving for work.

I don’t know exactly what the worst part was. To know that she was helping us even when she needed to work in the hospital or that she recognized me and said:

“Ah. Hi. I washed the clothes you left here. I hope you slept well on that old Yugyeom bed”.

Bambam gave me a terrified look and pulled me upstairs asking:

“What the fuck was that? Did you sleep here?”

“What? Ah. Yeah.” he says, getting rid of his grip. I followed to Yugyeom’s room. “It’s not a big deal”.

“It’s not a big deal? You sleep in my best friend's house, that from what I remember hates you, and this isn’t a big deal?” Bambam growled. “I don’t get it, explain to me how this isn’t a big deal hyung”.

“Why could I?”

“Oh God!” he freaks out. “Are you fucking my best friend?”

The door opened at the same time.

Kim Yugyeom was there, standing in front of us with a drowsy face as Bambam asked me why he could make me spend the night at his house.

“I would never do that.” I stammered hastily, trying not to look directly at Yugyeom, who was still staring at us. “I-ah...”

“Why not?” Bambam waved his arms. “He's hot, right? Who wouldn’t want to have sex with someone like him?”

“Is this about you sleeping here?” I heard Yugyeom's husky voice ask directly to me. Then I actually looked at him, watching his lips take on an irritating form and sighed. “I cannot believe you're using me to have a jealous crisis over him, Bambam hyung”.

Bambam looked at him, biting his cheeks.

“Yeah? And I cannot believe you don’t say something like that to me, Yugyeom! Even if you weren’t gay, you wouldn’t fuck-”

“Okay!” I shout, trying to interrupt something that everyone knew that could end wrong. Bambam sniff and push his best friend out of his way. I roll my eyes. “Sorry for that, he is a little bit crazy today”.

Yugyeom sigh.

“Jinyoung!” Bambam yell. “Stop staring at him and help me find a nice outfit for this fucking birthday boy for fuck’s sake!”

I went through the door without taking my eyes off Yugyeom’s face and sighed feeling tense when finally sat on his bed.

Yugyeom didn’t seem happy at all to see us there, and he looks even worse when Bambam told that the others were coming.

“Just shut up and do what I am saying!” he yells to Yugyeom, who close a little more his expression. The thai one rolls his pretty eyes and sighs caught the boy's attention. “Jaebeom hyung will be the last to come today so try to smile until your sun comes up. Please”.

Yugyeom gritted his teeth.

“Yeah. Of course, I’ll try”.

— ❖ —

It took less than 30mins for everyone, except Jaebeom, to arrive at Kim's house, which was rush decorated with balloons and confetti to when everyone shouted ‘surprise’ to Kim Yugyeom.

Even if he was upset, Bambam did his best to keep his smile on his face and make everyone have a good time — Yugyeom didn’t do the same, sighed all the time, answered rudely any question and sat alone.

And just to annoy him back, Bambam suggested that everyone need to sleep there, and he cannot even say a word against it since the Thai had made it clear that Jaebeom wanted that too.

Somewhere between watching Rapunzel and The Mighty Chef, Bambam fell asleep next to Hoseok and Yugyeom rose quietly, leaving his guests behind.

“Yugyeom-ssi?” call softly, knocking on the door. “Can I come in?”

I don’t get an answer, didn’t expect one but bite my lips and scour the room. He was sitting on the floor, head down and phone in hand... in deep silence.

“Yugyeom-ssi?” call again, closer this time. He doesn’t move. “Are you mad at Bambam?” I ask, stopping in front of him. “Don’t take it seriously, he knew it would never happen, but he was angry that we hadn’t said anything abou-”

“Why you don’t love him?”

“What?”

“Why don’t you fall in love with Bambam?” the boy asked with his head down, letting the device in his hands fall on the soft carpet of his room. “Wouldn’t it be easier if you simply loved him? It would stop hurting you and him”.

Seokjin.

Mark should have said something about Seokjin.

“Yugyeom-ssi-”

“Just call me Yugyeom today.” he cut me, raising his head. “It's my birthday, you’re in my house and I don’t want to have the feeling that I am being rude to someone who bought me a gift”.

I don’t know exactly why, but my heart quickened.

“I hope that you like it”.

“You did not answer my question”.

“And neither do you mine.” I said back, feeling his expression shift to confusion. “You promised to tell me about Taehyung but never said anything other than that you loved him for being who he was”.

Kim Yugyeom parted his lips.

“Jinyoung, I-”

“Is he the one who's leaving you like this?” I insisted. “Is that why you're so bored to live? Why do you love him so much that you cannot bear a smile without feeling that you are betraying his sad and dead memory?”

Kim Yugyeom's black eyes met mine so primitively that I felt compelled to step back, waiting silently for a blow or whatever offense he was thinking, and when thought I could say more, Yugyeom drew his legs against his chest and whispered something.

“He was incredible.” my heart hurts. It hurts so much that it becomes difficult to breathe when his smile forms on his face. “Kim Taehyung was incredible. I loved him and now he's dead”.

“So…” I swallowed. “You loved him lik-”

“Like a brother, Jinyoung.” Yugyeom says seriously. “Do you know why Bambam brought them here today? It is because Taehyung used to drag him here when one of us was celebrating his birthday. Jaebeom hated it”.

“Oh. Sorry. I had no idea”.

“I see.” Yugyeom nodded again, head down. His phone screen turns on. The protection was a picture of him with Taehyung, as expected. I felt sad for him. “It’s okay, he just can’t leave me this way today and I am very grateful for Bambam and-fuck can I say something? I hate this!”

“What?”

“I hate this feeling!” Yugyeom says, sadly. “Taehyung was supposed to give me an important gift this year, but he can’t and now I have to put up with this surprise party and pretend I want you all to be here”.

I knelt down beside him, listening to him sniff.

I didn't know exactly why, but he didn't look like someone who was upset just because he didn't have one of his friends on his side. It seemed like something else, something that was disturbing him.

“I screwed everything up!”

“What do you mean?” I ask worried because I had never seen him cry or show such a fragility mood. It was scary to see. “What did you do?”

“Jinyoung…”

“You can tell me anything... what happens?”

I never saw him that way, so sad and vulnerable, as if she needed a hug. Yugyeom stared at my mouth for a long moment until he finally meets my eyes and said something.

“I got involved with some gangster.” I feel my mouth open because didn’t expect that. “I needed money to take care of Diana, so I search for a guy...” Yugyeom sighed, wiping his face. “Fuck! I gave my mother's engagement ring as a guarantee and I couldn’t pay in time and now the guy put the ring for sale”.

What the fuck?

“Grandma give that ring for mom before she died. It’s an expensive ring and that guy doesn’t even know that!” he tells me, angry. “And the worse thing is that I cannot retrieve the ring, because don’t have money and if I ask my parents, of course, they’ll realize that something is wrong. She will fucking kill me”.

“Yugyeom-ssi...” my mom always says to me that I am a weak person, that I care too much for people that don’t care about me. “You almost killed from heart kiddo. I thought it was something about life or death that would end up killing you for real-”

“It's about life or death to me, this important! That ring is everything to my mom when she realizes it will be my end”.

I giggle running my hand over my face.

“How much do you need Yugyeom?”

Yugyeom's dark, teary eyes staring at me:

“What? I ca-”

“How much?” he shakes his head. “Don’t you want to get the ring back? Bambam cannot help you, he just gave you a watch that is worth more than you can imagine.” say to him, taking the wallet to make a check for him. “Although I know that the boys could do love to help you, they can borrow you money because of their own bills. Maybe Jaebeom could help you, but he isn’t here... so how much do you need?”

“I let you call me by name because I was sad and desperate, but we aren’t friends! There is no reason to you lend me money dude, don’t want anything from you”.

“Finally the Yugyeom-ssi I like is back!” I smiled relieved, writing my name on the check. “Not being friends doesn’t stop me from liking your mother kiddo. She is always kind to me, sends me a message and always squeezes my cheeks. I really like her, so… why not?”

“She sends you a message?” Yugyeom looks really uncomfortable and surprised. “Unbelievable! Why she do that?”

“Maybe she likes me too?”

“No way.” Yugyeom rolls his eyes, makes me giggle. “And I don’t care, and cannot accept your help because I can’t pay back now and I know you want something in return an-”

“A kiss”.

“What?” he yells back. “No fucking way man! If you didn’t notice that yet I didn’t play in that team and even if I played I would never touch my mouth-”

“I was just kidding!” I mumbled, giggle. “Jesus Christ.” says, signing my name on a blank check. “Here you idiot. Decide how much the ring worth and we can talk about your payback another time. Just promise not to do it again”.

I saw his eyes staring at the check, his lips quivering into something confused and then smile before he looked at me again.

“I promise I'll pay”.

“Yeah. You do better”.


	14. T W E L V E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Did you hear about the new park?” I asked him, listening to a girl complain to me get out the way. “It's out of town, I already bought the tickets and the girl who I ask out just dumped me.” his eyes looked confused. “You want to go with me?”  
> “What?”  
> “Do you want to go to the amusement park with me?”  
> “What?” the red-eyed man's sniffed, moving his gaze away from mine. “Why are you-”  
> “I don’t have enough money for gas.” I say quickly, with a sarcastic smile on my face. “I used everything to buy tickets and don’t want to lose so many because I've gotten dumped... just want to use you”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been out of time lately to update, partly because I was in college exam week and partly because I was focused on completing my new story... before you ask, yes... it's another jingyeom because I'm not forced to go down my muggle flag hahaha but I promise I will soon produce something with a few different shipps and hope you all enjoy it.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, with each step we take our main couple is getting closer and closer, I hope all of this also gives room for Yugyeom to see that taking certain dangers is not very good. See you in the next chapter!

  
  
  
  
  
It tears out half my body, my heart, my dreams.   
Take a piece of me, anything that undoes me.   
Recreate me, because I can't stand belonging anymore,   
but not fitting anywhere.  
— José Saramago.

The cold from November had finally arrived.

Radio and TV programs were constantly reporting to everyone to get warm, to drink hot drinks and stay home for as long as possible because according to them the weather would get colder and cause serious illness.

So — as a good mother and a nurse — my mom was clear when she told me to stay home on that rainy day because, according to her, the rate of people arriving at the hospital with symptoms of flu and cold was getting higher and higher. She would not have time to take care of me if I contracted some rainy virus.

However, there was something I had to do, and not even the rainy weather and the blocked tracks would keep me in that house.

I had been hacked. I had no idea why or how but someone had recorded me at the nightclub and was sending me constant warnings of the danger to get involved in someone’s business. At first, I did not understand the meaning of the message.

What that person want to say with ‘someone business’?

It was only when Kim Byung Joon's mother sent me a message saying that she was thankful for God sparing my life and for me having talked to her that I had a glimpse of what the message behind those videos might mean.

Someone was telling me to stay away from Kim Hansol's life.

And even though I was worried about my safety, it was almost like an award-winning ticket to have Park Jinyoung next to me, begging me to use him in some noble cause. It wasn’t difficult to persuade him to help me with money — even if he didn’t know about anything.

“Kim Taehyung?” the man in mask and cap asked, stopping a few steps from the table. I had no plans to kill myself or anything, but the more I received the message more interested I became. I knew could find the sender of the videos if I found a good hacker. Luckily, my father was a sheriff and work on many cases of cybercrimes. “I have a delivery”.

I analyzed everything for a moment. Even with the mask, that Kyungsoo guy looked really young for someone with a criminal record that long. He had been arrested six times for illegal distribution of private content, hacking, data theft, illegal distribution of outsourced actions and other cybercrimes.

He was a thief.

“I-”

“Next time you need something?” Kyungsoo interrupted me, sitting down in front of me. “Don’t call to my personal phone number, tell Kim to send someone to the usual place and don’t fuck call”.

_Did my father do business with him?_

“I cannot keep tracking people if I end up being arrested can I?”

I parted my lips from behind my mask, surprised to hear that. Was dad really using a hacker to tracking people down?

“It's ok. I'll give him the message.” I replay making a mental note to shake hands with who invented that 'a rotten apple never falls far from the tree' phrase because it was exactly how I felt now that knew that my father was working with a thief. “Where’s my delivery?”

He nudged my knee under the table, handing me an envelope, which I stuffed into my backpack and passed his payment.

“Your phone is in the cup” he said, putting the coffee cup on the table. “You'll find the notebook on that desk in the corner. You don’t have to pay for your lunch, the owner of this place knows me and will understand if you decide to suddenly chance your table”.

“Our next meeting place?”

“Here.” Do Kyungsoo answered, picking up his coffee. “In five days”.

Before contacting D.O I had tried to talk to my father about the Yongsan case, suggesting hypothetical situations for his investigation. That was when I discovered that the police were no longer investigating Kim Hansol and what had happened at school because according to their experts the boy had been driven by revenge and nothing more could be done.

All his targets were dead... he was dead.

So according to my father, there was no reason to investigate Yongsan while other attacks were going on outside — he didn’t even accept the idea that perhaps everything was connected, because Hansol hadn’t even given any indication of a partner.

The police thought that the next ones to Yongsan had to do with the deliberation of power. Kim Hansol had shown that it was possible to kill someone for stupid reasons and thus teens that are more disturbed had begun to spread what he had done.

That was what made me look for D.O, the sad reality of a dumb and incompetent police who couldn’t see the obvious that Kim Hansol wasn’t alone, he hadn’t been a fear spread for other people to do the same and someone's way had been the main act of a piece that was far from end.

I was probably the dumbest person on the earth for looking for his partner, but I couldn’t sit while someone threatened me because if he had bothered to look for me, it meant I was right about something.

I pressed the doorbell button again and again and again.

“Finally!” I said through the door. “Why took you so long?”

“Good morning to you too.” he yawned, making me realize his condition. It was almost three in the afternoon. “And you're two hours early. Why are you here already? It is not-”

“I have a date today.” I explained leaving my shoe in the corner, sticking my feet in the cozy slipper he had bought me. “Sorry”.

Park Jinyoung — impatient as ever — shoved me upstairs screaming about needing to keep schedules if I wanted our appointments to work because he could not just mess up his day when I decided to go out on dates.

According to him, therapy needed to be like a routine.

I sigh, sitting in the chair that used to be mine for two hours — when I accepted Park Jinyoung's money a few weeks ago, he came up with that stupid idea that I would not pay him back but would agree to do therapy with his teacher. Of course I said no because I refused to talk to a stranger but the next day the dark-haired man showed up with a solution, instead of talking to his teacher I could talk to him.

At first, it didn’t seem like a good thing to do, it seemed risky to expose me that way but Jinyoung began to insist so much. I was afraid that Bambam or someone would overhear and find out about my lies and my deal with him — my friends knew that mom would never leave such an expensive ring out of the safe box on normal days.

So I swallowed all my ego and say yes to Park Jinyoung. Since then my life was immense torture.

“Christ…” I say, analyzing his ugly face. “You look awful when you wake Jinyoung. I don’t know why Bambam thinks you're sexy.” the dark-haired man laughs with his husky voice. “Has he ever seen you wake up?"

“It is not obvious?”

“Donno know. I wasn’t there with you to know.” I answer with a smirk, turning in my chair. “But if he's sawing you that way then you must be-”

“Jinyoungie, who was at the door?” a female voice echoes slowly to my ears, making me stop moving the chair with my feet. When I turn to meet a middle-aged woman standing on the door with a wine glass in her hand, she looks at me in surprise. “Oh. Hello”.

Few famous people made me go crazy because I did not believe in this ridiculous story about ‘fan passion’ but there were about three or four people who made me want to have an autograph and one of them was in front of me.

I stand up and bow.

“Oh dear, no need to be formal!” the woman said with a lovely smile, get into the room. “Who exactly are you dear?”

I swallow my saliva:

“I am Kim Yugyeom ma'am.” I answer, feeling her hand against mine so light and warm. Jesus fucking Christ. “It is a pleasure to-”

“He's my boyfriend.” Park Jinyoung's deep voice cuts off my fan mood, making me open my eyes and catch my breath as I feel the woman's hand tighten. “Gyeom-ah, if you-”

“You didn’t give up on this madness?’ I heard her ask without really looking at him. Her hand squeeze mine again and if I said it wasn’t hurting, I'd be lying because her fingers were crushing my rings over my skin. “How many times will we have this conversation? You don’t like boys”.

Jinyoung laughed.

I pulled my hand.

I do not know exactly why but I felt as if something inside me had been erased. That was by far the most important person I have met, yet I just lost interest in her because… she really says to Jinyoung that he can like boys? What the fuck?

“Really mom? I don’t like boys?”

“Mom?” I whispered to myself, raising my eyebrows.

So I finally looked at them together.

Dark brown eyes. Plump lips and a snub nose.

Even their jawline shape is the same.

Park Jinyoung was Choo Seulgi’s son.

“Of course I’m serious!” mrs. Choo snapped angrily. “You know you're just a rebel. We forbid you from having this ‘phase’ in your teens' day and now you are trying to rebel again. It's normal but it’ll pass if you try hard”.

“Phase? It's not a phase mom.” Jinyoung replied visibly nervous. I had never seen him stutter before. “It's who I am and yo-”

“Dear? I am your mother. If I say it's a phase, it's because it is”.

“What? Mama-”

“You always liked exotic things.” she interrupts him again, sitting down on the table. All my love for mrs. Choo had disappeared. My mother was like Michele Obama near that woman. “First it started with tattoos just because we said no. So you decided to be gay because that disgusting little boy decided too. He put this in your hear sweet”.

She’s terrible and Jinyoung said nothing to her.

He didn’t say a word!

“Whoa!” I whispered, wiping the hand I used to touch Choo Seulgi seconds ago. She is terrible. “And I thought my family was crazy”.

“Oh. Are you still here?” she asked seriously to me. “Why don’t you leave? If you didn’t notice, we're having a family conversation”.

“No!” Jinyoung gritted his teeth. “You don’t talk like that with my guest. You have no right to drive anyone out of my house”.

“Jinyoungie, I'm your mother, don’t talk to me like that!” Seulgi intoned in the same arrogant manner as her son. “I'll tell you one last time, ask him to leave. We are having a-”

“My boyfriend will not leave”.

“He's not your boyfriend!” Seulgi shouted, throwing her wine glass on the wall. I could see the way the glass slammed next to Jinyoung's cheek and then crashed into the wall behind him. “You're not gay Park Jinyoung, you are just a spoiled and selfish kid!”

I part my lips without knowing what to say or do.

Should I run up to him and check his face?

Should I leave as the woman asked and prevent something else from happening?

I look at his closed fist.

Had his father cut him off for some similar reason? That’s why Jinyoung had turned so red when he needed to explain the bruise in his hand to me… because his own parents harassing him?

“Jinyoung-ah…” I squeeze my lips, wincing as I touch the cut on his left cheek. “Oh. I think there's going to leave a scar”.

Jinyoung's sad eyes are terrified when I show up in front of him, holding his face in my hands and holding me so I do not vomit with all that shit. I did not like Jinyoung because he had fucked up with my best friend's feelings, had insinuated innumerable things about Taehyung and me, forced me to talk about my feelings and tortured me with compulsory self-control activities... but I hate his disgusting mother even more.

And if I had been a devoted fan of Choo Seulgi someday... tsc. As my mother said ‘Choo who? I've never even seen this name’.

“Park Jinyoung!”

“What?” he answers angrily, taking a sarcastic look as he wrapped his arm around my waist and made me stand beside him. I'd kill him when it was all over. “Does it bother you that I have someone who cares about me now? You always said that you would be the only person to take care of me, mama, to love me.” the man sighed looking at me. “But look… it's not you, I am hugging right now”.

Seulgi squeezed her temples dramatically, trembling and sighing visibly annoyed by her son's demeaning behavior.

“Make him leaving now…” he said again. “We need to-”

“I said no.” Jinyoung interrupted KBS's famous anchor. “I haven’t seen him for four days now and I miss him. You came to my house without being invited, I let you stay because I thought you would behave well but in less than a day you prove to me that nothing has changed”.

“Jinyoung-”

“Just leave my house please”.

I followed him out automatically, listening to his mother's footsteps right behind us, popping against the wall like a horror movie. I was definitely the victimized and persecuted protagonist.

“Jinyoung!” mrs. Choo shouted. “Park Jinyoung, don’t you dare do that” he pushed me into his room, slamming the door behind him with anger. “Park Jinyoung!”

I sit in deep silence as he presses his forehead against the door and closes his eyes. I can hear him breathing without rhythm.

When he turns around, I open my mouth to tell him something but the way his body move cut me off. He slammed the door and I shut my mouth again. Whoa.

I don’t know exactly how much time she lost but mrs. Choo hadn’t stopped knocking or calling for her son, and Jinyoung had taken almost a lifetime to finally leave the bathroom with a band-aid on his face.

“Sorry…” that's the first thing he tells me. “About my mother”.

 _Yeah. It’s okay_. I want to say, but…

“Choo Seulgi is your mother?” that's what I ask. Jinyoung opens his mouth to say something. “Fuck! Does Bambam know about that?” I asked, approaching him, who walks away. “Your father isn’t that Korean soccer player? That guy that made like a fucking super record in a game?” I shake my hands. “Fuck. Fuck. You're a fucking chaebol!”

“Yugyeom-”

Something went through my head quickly, making me change my expression:

“Oh. And never touch my ass again.” I say between my teeth. He had literally squeezed my ass when he pulled me out of his office and headed for his room. Maybe to annoy his mother who was next to us. “And don’t use me like that never again in your fucking life”.

“I-I-Yug-”

“No Jinyoung. You cannot just get angry with your mom and say I am your boyfriend just because you want to piss her off!” I mumble as obvious as possible. “And I don’t want to know if she has problems with your sexuality, whether she beats you or something like that because it's none of my business...” I blustered, waving my hands. “I helped today because she really gets on my nervous... who does she think she is? The fucking president to talk like that to someone?”

Jinyoung laughed suddenly, making me shut up.

“What?”

“You were giving a fan crisis, like 20min ago and now you hate her?”

“Yeah! I hate her! I’m a fan before she showed her real self.” I explain myself hitting my foot. “How would I know that Choo Seulgi is a snake?"

“Yugyeom…” Jinyoung groans in frustration. “She's my mother”.

“S.N.A.K.E!” I spell throwing me on his bed. “Now sit in this fucking chair and tell about your shit life with her. I want to hear everything”.

If someone asked me to write a telenovela... surely it would be about Park Jinyoung and his family.

He wasn’t just a fucking rich guy. He has Korea’s prince since he was three years old. Her mother is Choo Seulgi, one of the most famous reporters on KBS, his father is Park Ji Sung, South Korea's best football and record player — the man had scored twelve goals in a single game with no penalty or corner. Jinyoung’s father was a fucking legend!

Oh. And not to mention two other members of his family who were acclaimed actors. And of course, his uncle Pyo Sungmin, a renowned psychologist for attending only top-class celebrities and executives.

Park Jinyoung was a fucking heir.

I didn’t know how God had done it, but my best friend had sex with an heir... and now he was my friend.

Okay. Not my friend... but that's what I was going to tell girls from that moment on, that I have a fucking heir as a friend.

“Are you kidding?” Jinyoung laughed as he threw himself on his bed. I nod. “You will not use me to get some pussy.” I smile, making my eyebrows dance. He shows his angry expression to me. “What? Yugyeom!”

“What? Do you think just because I am cute is easy? Girls say no too and it hurts. It hurts a lot!” I fake a tear and he laughs, giving me a punch in the shoulder. “I am serious. Can I use you? I really need some pussy”.

“Ewc. Hetero sex is disgusting.” Jinyoung smile, wiping the corners of his eyes. I poke him. “Okay, okay. Whatever”.

“What can I do if God doesn’t make me a lucky one to be born an heir and have who I want? Although you don’t have anyone who you want”.

I tighten my lips.

It had not been on purpose.

I had not planned to leave it so transparent that I knew about Seokjin, because that was not the moment to do that. His mother had thrown a glass into his face, saying that he wasn’t who he claimed to be and that he was just rebelling himself against her... I had just made a mess.

“Ah…” Park Jinyoung pouted. “Oh, look at the hour. Can we start with the interview? I have some things to do in the company-”

“Company?”

“Yeah.” he nodded uncomfortably. “I work from my uncle in his company. I am his personal assistant. You know... he's a psychologist and I am a future psychologist... can we start?”

I want to say sorry for touch in Seokjin's name and that everything was fine, that Mark hadn’t told me much and that he didn’t have to worry so much, but I don’t think it would have made it any different because Jinyoung was already hurt. Can see it in his face.

He asked permission to use the phone instead of the tape recorder, which had stayed in his office thanks to his mother's confusion.

“... exactly. I thought I was dead.” I sighed, nudging my thumbnail. “It was strange you know? All the people were terrified, but I was especially calm. There was no color, no sound or smell that could make me believe I was alive, I mean… what living soul stays calm while twenty-three people are dead in front of his eyes?”

“It's more common than you can imagine”.

“You think so?”

“Yes.” Jinyoung nods. “This kind of thing it's different for everyone, but many people have reported similar experiences. It's actually more common than you could imagine.” I swallow. “What about Hansol?”

“What about him?” I sigh, leaning back in my chair. “I fainted when the cops push us. It all happened in slow motion. I saw him being shoot and then falling to the floor with a muted sound. I blackout after that for like two hours”.

“Why do you think that happened?”

“How should I know?” I ask impatiently. “Maybe our souls were connected at that instant because that's what a shaman told me, that my soul was connected to the soul of a murderer and maybe this is about Kim Hansol’s soul… don’t you think it’s possible?”

“No. I don’t think so.” Jinyoung says softly, writing something in a notebook. “And how did you feel after his death?”

“Empty. I couldn’t feel sad or scared like everyone else, couldn’t cry or admit that something bad had happened to me”.

“Post-traumatic stress. It's normal”.

“It is. I know that now.” I swallow. “Then I was paranoid, the fear, the nightmares. I don’t know why but suddenly everything would suffocate me and make me want to stay in bed. Hidden from everything”.

Jinyoung moves, asking me what always get me mad the most:

“And Taehyung” I close my eyes. “What do you think about his death?”

“His name wasn’t in Hansol list”.

It was when we used to finish our conversation because nothing else left my mouth and Park Jinyoung got in that subject. The man sighs and hide his notebook, showing that we were done with the two hours of conversation we used to have every day.

“We're done for today.” he says, make me sigh in relief. “I'll send the audio to my teacher and expect feedback. Promise to let you know when I have a report. I think your mother will like the updates.” Jinyoung chatters without looking at me, fiddling with his phone. “I'm sending you a copy if you'd like to hear it later”.

“No, thank you”.

“I'll send it anyway, in case you decide to change your mind.” the man says, putting on a jacket. “Come on, I'll walk you out I have work to do”.

“Working heir!” I mocking him. “What an icon”.

Jinyoung laughs and pushes me out of his room, coming down behind me as he asks me to rethink everything we had talked about that afternoon. However, all I could register of that afternoon was his mother presence... who was still in the living room:

“Finally!” the woman growled, catching Jinyoung's attention, who breathed deeply behind me. “What the fuck are you two doing?”

“We’re just having sex”.

Then they started to fight.

Seulgi accused him of absurd things, such as attempted murder by deception — according to the woman, her heart was dying of sadness because of her rebellious son — and minor abuse.

“I am in legal age, ma’am”.

And she changed the minors abuse topic to such an extensive and confusing sentence that my brain resumed upon hearing.

“Babe?” I called him. I did not care about Park Jinyoung or his miserable life as an heir, didn’t want to know if his father had beaten him or if his mother had taken all his money but I cared that Choo Seulgi had been in all my erotic dreams all that time and now he treating me like crap. I want to make her go crazy. “Can we go? I am already starting to get bored about that oldie lady madness and you promised to take me to dinner!”

Seulgi froze.

“You... ah... what you call me?”

“I call you insane oldie lady.” I answer directly to her. “And be glad that I use my pretty moods against you because I could give you even worse names, but Jinyoung-ah thinks I should treat you with a little decency, you know...? Because you are old and everything… it wouldn’t be nice to attack eldest people”.

“You’re a fucking brat…!” Seulgi shouted, raising her hand. “I'll teach you to have a little more education with som-”

“Don’t.” Jinyoung croaked as he gripped her wrist. “Never again in your existence raise a hand to him or for anyone I've chosen as my family, do you understand me?”

“Jinyoungie...” Seulgi breathed in apprehensively. “What are you-”

“Get out of my house!”

“Oh...” I said, catching her attention. “And pay for the glass”.

“Gyeom-ah-”

“I don’t want to know hyung.” I stammered angry, emphasizing the last word. It was the first time I called him hyung. “You've been working hard all these years to survive, she has no right to enter your home and destroy your things in that way.” I did not know what kind of family they have but I would teach a little of what my mother taught me to Choo Seulgi. “Ahjumma?” I call the housekeeper, who had explained to me in running when I went to drink water that Seulgi hadn’t seen Jinyoung for years, that this was the first time the woman shows up and that he had worked hard to support himself without her. “ _Ahjumma_?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Sir?” Seulgi laughs sarcastically. “This little boy-”

“ _Ahjumma_ ” I smiled at her. “Jinyoung and I are leaving now, he's going to be late because he has business at the company but this woman will stay here until she decides to be an adult and pay for what she broke today. If she doesn’t want to collaborate, call my father”.

“Ha. Ha. Is your dad going to arrest me?”

“I am sorry to inform you ma’am, but yeah. If you want to know, my father is Itaewon’s sheriff so I can report you for home invasion, harassment and domestic violence.” Jinyoung’s face looks really surprised that I am helping him again. I smile at Seulgi. “You don’t want to have your pretty face in the news, do you? I mean, dad will investigate you, Jinyoung has a scar on his hand and now in his face… what you think he’s going to do with you?”

Jinyoung squeezes my wrist.

I hadn’t even realized he was holding me.

Choo Seulgi sits shocked without taking his eyes off me.

If I had crossed the line, I did not care because my only interested was to know that the woman was speechless and stunned.

“Call my father without thinking twice _ahjumma_.” I say to the lady again. “Jinyoung... sweetheart?” I hear Seulgi sobbing. Mama said that some people sobbing because of fear. “Let’s go”.

Jinyoung was dizzy, knew it because he had to hold on me to not fall, and I had to grab him by the waist.

“What was that all about?” the black-haired man asked me. He had never really confronted his mother in his life? “You-ah-Yugyeom...”

“Sorry if I crossed the line.” I whisper leaning against a car. “I know she's your mother, but the things she said? It's wrong man!”

Jinyoung seemed to think of a controversial answer.

“Yeah. I know”.

“You feel good?” ask, holding his face. “You've never faced her, have you? But there's always a first time”.

“This makes me a little dizzy.” Jinyoung whispered as I blew his face to make him come back to himself. His grip loosened and he pressed his palms together. His face was pale. “But I’ll be better soon”.

He sights and looks into his pockets.

“What?” I ask, watch him look for something. “You forget your keys don’t you?” he nods. I think for a moment and sigh. “I have an extra helmet with me, you don’t have to go up there… juts open your mouth and ask me for a ride”.

Jinyoung gave me a surprised look.

“Can you give me a ride?”

We stopped sometime later in the center.

He got off the bike and handed me the helmet.

“Jinyoung?” I called, swallowing my saliva. “Some families must be faced and undone for our own good. It’s not because she’s your mother that she should repudiate her son for his love choices... so... if you want my mother to adopt you...” I shrug, seeing him smile with mockery. He was really sad now. “She had plans to adopt Bambam, but I can change her mind if she's interested in the proposal”.

“To be your brother?" Park Jinyoung gritted his teeth. “No. Thanks”.

“You lost. Mom was the best”.

Park Jinyoung nods without taking his eyes off me.

When his gaze becomes too intense, I put my helmet back on and explained that I need to go, saying that have a date and was late. He nods hastily and thanks again, turning his back quickly.

I watch him stand on the sidewalk, there's waiting for the green light for the pedestrians, wondering how many points I had won with God for helping him. I also wonder how many I was losing by letting him wander the streets with that shitty face. Shit.

“Jinyoung!” I call his name as soon as the signal turns green for pedestrians when I stop the bike right in front of him. The world was colorful and noisy, there were several people around him but Park Jinyoung looked gray and silent. He was crying.

“I-I’m not ah… I-”

“Did you hear about the new park?” I asked him, listening to a girl complain to me get out the way. “It's out of town, I already bought the tickets and the girl who I ask out just dumped me.” Jinyoung’s eyes looked confused. “You want to go with me?”

“What?”

“Do you want to go to the amusement park with me?”

“What?” the red-eyed man's sniffed, moving his gaze away from mine. “Why are you-”

“I don’t have enough money for gas.” I say quickly, with a sarcastic smile on my face. “I used everything to buy tickets and don’t want to lose so many because I've gotten dumped... just want to use you”.

Jinyoung gritted his teeth irritably, denying it.

“I thought we weren’t going to use each other anymore?”

“Oh. I lied”.

Jinyoung sniffs, running his hand over his nose.

“I do not know...”

“Sweetheart!” I pout make him giggle. “Please? Let’s go on a date?”

“Yugyeom…” Jinyoung widens his eyes, looking at the people who pass by us laughing. “Don’t-”

“Sweetheart! Sweetheart let's go to the park, sweetheart.” Jinyoung shakes his hands to stop me up. He puts his hand in my lips but I shoved it away from my mouth. “Let's go to the park, please!”

“For God’s shake… okay!”

I smiled watching him smile back at me, puffing his cheeks before taking the helmet back and riding the bike behind me.

“Hold tight... _sweetheart_ ”.

— ❖ —

If some time ago someone had told me that I, Kim Yugyeom, would end up in a ‘date’ with Park Jinyoung and that would have fun as never before, I would punch that person's face.

Nothing in the world would have convinced me that I could spend an entire day at his side without wanting to punch him for any nonsense that might come out of his mouth because since I knew him he was a complete idiot. However, Jinyoung was surprisingly different when he was away from his friends. Or away from Bambam.

He was really funny with his sarcastic jokes, knew how to play in all the park games and was good with kids. It was frighteningly different from what I was used to seeing when we went out in a group — just as it was different when he was working in his office with me. He was the real definition of ‘knowing how to separate things from social and personal life’.

It was already night when we stopped to eat and he showed me all the photos he had taken while we were in the toys. I looked awful.

“Or you're really a good interviewer…” I said look Jinyoung’s explain our requests to the waiter, revealing that he knew my tastes. “Or Bambam hyung talking a lot about me to you”.

“It's not hard to read you Kim Yugyeom, you have an eight-year-old kid taste. Of course I know what you like to eat”.

“Shut up!” I showing my tongue. “My taste is very sophisticated”.

“Oh yeah, of course, mrs. Choco milkshake boy”.

I laugh discontented with his infamous joke.

“But seriously now...” I set the glass on the napkin. “He talks a lot about me? It is impossible that you have guessed all my dishes”.

“You talk about food 24/7.” Jinyoung explains with a shrug. “It's not hard to memorize. Friends do this all the-”

“We aren’t friends”.

Jinyoung gives me a disbelieving look as if he's saying something like ‘after everything we've been through’. I shrug, holding up a sarcastic smile. He rolls his eyes and tells me more about my tastes while we wait for the food.

I was sipping the dessert when I recognized the song that was ringing in the restaurant. It was one of Taehyung's favorite songs.

 _too high too quick, you’re the one_  
I never felt like this if I'm being honest,   
I can’t bring this down yeah yeah

I only noticed Jinyoung's gaze scanning my face as I turned around again, sketching a smile because of Taehyung’s memories. Other than what I imagined, it wasn’t embarrassing to catch him watching me, it had been I wouldn’t have returned to the position I was in and wouldn’t have seen people strolling outside while listening to the lyrics.

 _I need you_  
chasing down your waterfall   
while you got both eyes left on me...

The white flash bathes my whole face, making me separate my lips in surprise and look at him again. His expression looked surprised too.

“Did you just take a picture of me?”

I had taken Jinyoung to that park for a simple reason: I didn’t like when people were mistreated by those who should love them. My mother has always been the kind of person who has a bigger heart than the whole universe. She always taught me to love and respect everyone even if the choices weren’t the same as mine because each had the right to decide what was good for their lives.

When I saw Park Jinyoung cry for the first time I knew he had no idea what it was to be loved by who he is and I felt bad for growing up in a perfect family while he lived the illusion of perfection.

He was unhappy and unwanted. That's why I had taken him to that park, even if I had promised Momo that I would bring her that night.

“Yugyeom-ah... ah-I-” he stammered, biting his fleshy lips in the process, with an embarrassed grimace. “I don’t know if Bambam said it, but I like to take pics. It's how I capture moments.” he explained as he laid his phone on the table. “But I’ll delete it right now”.

“Park Jinyoung?” I called him seriously, leaning across the table. His eyes met me again. “Are you in love with me?"

“What?!” Jinyoung cried out in disbelief. “Bambam is quite right about you… you’re a fucking asshole Yugyeom-ssi, I don’t like stupid heteros!”

“Ya. Calm down.” he shows me his tongue. “It was just a joke”.

Jinyoung nods impatiently, picking up his phone:

“Don’t care, I'll delete it in your-”

“Already!” I snitch taking the device from his hand. “Don’t do that, it was just a joke. Don’t be so annoying about it dude and let me see the photo now.” I complain looking at the photo. “Whoa”.

“What?”

“I'm gorgeous!” I answered showing the photo he had taken. And he was really good at it. The light was perfect. Jinyoung laughs with a breath of air, calling me an idiot. “Let me take a picture of you to catch this perfect image of you now. Wait”.

“Yug-”

“Say xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.” I tap the photo with my own phone, capturing the moment Jinyoung chuckles. His image had become a beautiful blur with yellow background lamps. “Shit. That's bullshit dude, or you’re really good photography or you're not a good model”.

Jinyoung laughs at me asking to let him see and asks me to take another one without him moving this time. I stare at the photo for a moment. He had a funny smile that wasn’t covered by his hand.

“Take another one.” I ask, settling on the bench. Jinyoung watched me without saying anything, nodding and lifting his phone. “I look good?”

“Ah… yeah… just a little closer...” he whispers to himself, practically climbing the table to bring his phone to my face. “Oh yeah, there. Stay that way Yugyeom, that way…”

Jinyoung made a funny face when he was concentrating. He placed his tongue over his lower lip and bit it like a five-year-old. It is impossible not to laugh. He moves his eyes towards me, over the phone.

I apologize for ruing the picture, but he just sighs deeply and prepares to take some more:

“Whoa.” I say when Jinyoung gives me the phone. “Which app do you use to edit?” but of course his answer was a snobby ‘I only used ambient light’. “They were perfect. You are good”.

“Okay, you don’t have to compliment me.” Jinyoung says, putting his phone back in his pocket. “It's late. We can go now?”

What happens?

“Ah… yeah. Of course”.

Jinyoung pays for our dinner, he says that it would be unfair to let me spend money when I saved him from a bad afternoon and helped with his mother. An hour later, I leave him in front of his garage:

“Jinyoung...” I call him. “I cannot imagine how bad it was to grow up with her. A family shouldn’t limit their kids' life’s just because society tries to mode everything. It’s not right, okay?” I press the helmet against my stomach. “She may be Choo Seulgi, but she still has no right to diminish you for your choices, there is nothing wrong choosing who you love and I think you should know that… oh and I’m sorry for today”.

“I don’t.” Jinyoung replied with a smile. “You were by my side for the first time so it was good to know that you care about someone that isn’t Taehyung or your closest friends”.

“But I don’t care about you”.

“Yeah. Right.” he whispered back, with a smile. “Anyways, I need to go now, thank you for today”.

“Jinyoung?” call him again. “Just choose your family, some people love you for who you are...” I say in a hurry because I really wanted him to know that. He has Bambam. “Hyung loves you”.

“Yugyeom…”

“He really loves you!” I repeat more firmly. “I know you both fucked everything up but I think you should stay with who really wants to love you and that guy loves you more than anything”.

That's what I needed to say because my best friend still love him and he needed real love and not that disgusting mother who repudiated him so much. He needed Bambam.

“Thanks for today, Kim Yugyeom.” that was all Jinyoung said before say his name on the intercom. He turned to me one last time and smile ear to ear. “I'll see you at our next appointment”.


	15. T H I R T E E N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Promise me”.
> 
> I sign to my best friend, knowing he was tired of worrying about the things I did wrong in life. It was almost uncomfortable to have to lie to him so smiled, promise to him something that I could really do.
> 
> “Don’t worry too much hyung, I promise I'll never do anything stupid again.” if Park Jinyoung's plans worked out, we would be face to face with my possible stalker. Bambam sighs with relief. I smile at him, knowing that one day he’s found out and kill me. “Yeah. Finger promise”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was running out of free time these past few weeks because I was busy in college and with my sister, besides, I hurt my shoulder and it's getting hard for me to keep my arm moving, so I chose to delay the updates... 
> 
> However, today I had some free time, and I tried my best to work towards completing the chapter correction to post, but I'm not sure if it's totally error-free and so I apologize ... finally, we'll start seeing Jinyoung and Yugyeom closer, helping each other. 
> 
> I hope you guys are enjoying it!

  
  
  
  
  
Not only do we only suffer from our traumas,  
we also learn from them, to fit our needs.  
— Alfred Adler.

In Yongsan International School, secrets don’t remain hidden for long. Gossip runs faster than electricity and whispers could be easily detected by anyone who knew the subject of the day.

It was like this when Kim Taehyung hit Yu Sangdo because some guy from his English class — who he did not even know — and everyone started rumors that the boy in question was his secret boyfriend.

It was the same with Hansol.

And it would still be that way because Rosé had just announced a nasty comment about Park Chanyeol and everyone decided that he was the hot topic of the moment.

In Yongsan International School, secrets would never be hidden and gossip would never stop because, according to Sanha, people would not learn anything even if a lunatic get in our school and kill twenty-three person.

It was easier to make rumors than learn from the consequences and that's exactly why Kim Yugyeom’s name became more mentioned than Park Chanyeol’s this morning because no one learned from the consequences of the past.

“I heard that his father got tired of his behavior and gave him a good lesson.” Lisa, who knew that uncle Kim would never give a lesson in Yugyeom, murmured to Jisoo and Jennie. “I am being serious!”

“Like when you said that your aunt owns Gucci?” I asked, gritting my teeth, making everyone laugh. “Everyone is just trying to create more subjects to talk about. He probably got into a fight again”.

“Whoa, so neither you who is his best friend know what caused all those purple bruises?” she asked, approaching me quickly. “Interesting, maybe I am really right...”

“Shut up Lisa. You love to talk shit don’t you?” I heard Hirai Momo sigh impatiently. “Do you hear what comes out of your mouth?”

“Ya!” Lisa shouted, turning to Momo. “And do you happen to know about something dear future mr. Kim's wife?” she giggles. “Oops. I forgot that even a first date you two had... too bad”.

“Lisa!” Jeongyeon, a girl with too short hair and a small smile, scolds her friend. “Don’t you have anything better to do?”     

“Being a snake is Lisa's only profession”.

“Bambam!” it's Sanha's turn to scold me. “Please”.

“Yeah. This is him.” Yoo Jeongyeon pokes me very softly. “Go and see him before any snake approaches that poor boy”.

“Then stick Lisa on that fucking table!"

In Yongsan International School, there were two ways to find out the truth about some rumor:

(1) Someone created a plan to unmask the subject's pivot or

(2) Someone just asks without making stupid plans and taking forever to figure something out.

“I know it's going to sound like a stupid question…” I say, standing in front of Yugyeom. “But uncle finally punch you or a drug dealer did it?”

“Good morning to you too hyung!”

“Shut up! I am being serious… I know he would never beat you, even if you deserved it and everything” I shrug. “but everyone is talking abo-”

“Kunpimook Bhuwakul Bambam, since when do you listen to Yongsan gossips?” Yugyeom giggles are miserable. He had a black eye, a split nose, a bruised in his left brow, two bandaged fingers, a swollen lip and probably other bruises that I couldn't see because of his clothes. “Hyung-”

“Just tell me what happened,” I beg, grab his hand cautiously. He gives me a sour look and sighs. “Please? I am worried about you, Gyeom-ah. You don’t tell me anything anymore, you don't walk in school with me anymore".

“Because I am a little bit busy those days”.

“I don’t care! Be busy never stopping you to tell me something, and Jaebeom hyung thinks you hate us and I am starting to believe in him for real this time Yugyeom”.

Although I did not believes in Yongsan's gossip, I  was not entirely sure if I could trust what Yugyeom said, because he had become the kind of person who hid things from his own friends and acted as if we were crazy to mistrusting him.

I was starting to worry about all the things he was hiding from me, especially now that his name was on everyone's mouth and his face was turned into a piece of bruises. I wanted to know what had happened.

“Do you want me to be honest?” I nodded in agony. Yugyeom leaned against the locker. “I drank more than I should and kiss someone’s girlfriend in the club and, as you can see from my condition, the guy wasn’t very cool with what I did”.

**[ONE WEEK AND THREE DAYS BEFORE. SOMEWHERE IN SEOUL]**

When I finally scored an X in the red pilot over the numbers on the calendar I pick up my keys and told dad that I would go to Bambam's house to do homework and he didn't need to wait for me.

That afternoon I actually went to Bambam's house, just to let his mom see me and confirm my presence when mom asked her — because knowing my mother, she would ask Bambam’s mom about me show my pretty face in her house at the first opportunity. For my best friend, I say that I have a secret date with Hirai Momo because she does not want to be gossip at school.

“Okay, look the first thing you have to know is that this guy is really good, he's probably a pro!” Do Kyungsoo explained enthusiastically. I nod without understanding his happiness. “Not even I could think about putting so many loops in something dude. This person created a fucking door system…”

“A what?”

“A door system.” Kyungsoo replay moves his hand, make me narrow my eyes without understanding anything. “It’s like… when you find an open door in the system, it simply disappears and creates another fucking in and outdoor!” he shouts with confused gestures. “I tried to use IDs to trap this person in an intrusion system but the loopholes that they put in the system ended up creating a new MAC, this resized the IP in record time, it was co-”

“Kyungsoo-ssi?” I cut him off because I did not understand anything he is saying to me right now. “Just tell me how he got access to our victim's phone and notebook!”

“Oh, sure...!” the boy rolls his eyes. “He invaded your-”

“Isn’t mine”.

“You can cut this shit out.” he smiles ear to ear. “I know you’re not a cop and I'm pretty sure that detective Kim doesn’t know about our meetings. I also know he is your father”.

I try not to look surprised.

How did he find out?

“Did you investigate me?”

“Dude, I didn't have to.” he teased. “I don't think you remember because you were in a hurry, but we've met before. At the police station?”

“What?”

“Yeah.” he moves his shoulders. “I was helping your father and you went to take his lunch. I never forget a face.” Do say with a smirk, roll his eyes to me the moment I take off the hat and the mask. “Hi, mrs. Kim’s son, you’re a bit different with all those tattoos… oh, and why did you use dead people’s name to get something?” his giggle echoes a little louder, drawing some customer’s attention. I squeeze the backpack he had given me and got up. “Easy okay? I won't tell him”.

I bite my cheeks.

“Why?”

“Damn it, dude. Did you hear anything I just said?” DO moves on the table to give me a flick. “Helooooo! This person who fucked you is definitely a professional or someone who paid one to pursue you. I'm not going to let a prize as big as this fall right into the cops’ hand”.

Do Kyungsoo bit his bottom lip too happy.

He was weird.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m going to use this person to win a chair on the fucking Cílix!” DO answer opening a sugar packet. I look at him with a blanking face and the man looks back to me. “The organization that has fucking up the Korea government in the last three years?”

“Who?”

“Fuck off!” Kyungsoo yell. “Where the hell have you been all this time you don't know what's going on in your own fucking country dude?”

“One. Fuck the country!” I whisper, leaning across the table because I really don’t want anyone to piss me off about my bad mouth. “And two, fuck that fucking organization okay? I have different interests, like knowing how as behind a compu-”

“Okay, okay. Wow. Sensitive.” he raise his hands. “And I thought your father was fiery but you need to cool down dude”.

“Fuck you”.

“Ya you little piece of shit!” he whispers, sipping his coffee. “Show a little ans-” I cut him again, show my fucking middle finger. DO narrow his eyes and sigh. “Fuck you too.” he says angrily to me. “Look, from what I could see, you reset your system last month right?” I nod. “So, when you did this person created a kind of flaw, your firewall wasn’t operating and that enabled him to use unauthorized software to change the standard TCP protocol and-” I think I had made an ugly expression because Kyungsoo stopped talking and looked at me seriously. “I know that listening to it sounds like the most complex thing of all, but this is not”.

Kyungsoo pick up mayonnaise pot and draws something on the table.

“What is it?”

“Think of it as doors, okay? So mayonnaise stripes are like the doors that should protect your computer, which we'll call home for now.” he says, picking up the ketchup. “Doors protect houses from strangers, animals or anything that puts the homeowner life in risk, right?” this looks stupid, but I finally understand, like a fucking five-year-old in kindergarten. He continue. “But you ended up leaving your door half open when you decided to clean your house and this person uses it to get into your house and put something that you didn’t see, something that could spy on you”.

“But even if I left my door house open, this person doesn’t need something like, ah… fuck, like code access? I know that hackers can only access our data if we give them access”.

“It depends.” Kyungsoo shrugs. “Some of them can break any kind of security but this time you ended up giving access.” the man says seriously. What the hell? “Even with holes and your broken security software, you need to give this person access and he used it to create a second kind of home for the virus, you know? It's like cleaning the room for an unwanted visit…” he explains showing me a tablet with pictures of what appeared to be my emails. “Did you see this e-mail that was clicked three-and-a-half months ago? That's how he came into your house”.

The damn donation e-mail?

Bambam had sent me that email, so I clicked without paying attention and I got up to that point with Do Kyungsoo.

“If you had paid attention you would have noticed that your friend emails are totally different...” Kyungsoo says when I say that the spam was from a close friend. “It's a clone, this has two a’s in Bambam’s name… and the real one has only an in his name”.

I sigh placing a hand on my face.

Unbelievable. I had given access to my computer to a complete stranger who was sending me constant videos and messages.

You are fucking unbelievable Kim Yugyeom.

After explaining some more things to me, Kyungsoo assured me that he had installed security measures and that all I needed to do was pay more attention. He also told me that the "thief" had access to my phone through my iCloud ID, but that I shouldn’t worry about it anymore, that had cleaned it — mom would be happy to have her phone back.

“Look, you seem like a nice guy and I owe a lot to your father so I am going to give you a warning about this.” Kyungsoo says squeezing my hand with a serious look. “The kind of technique and perfection used by this person to stalk you? It's the kind of thing that people like me just see being used by hackers who want to blow people up for fun”.

“So… are you saying that this is dangers to me?”

Do nod to him.

“I saw your messages, okay? I don't know what you've been up to, but I advise you to stop. Don't go after that address I gave you by yourself, okay? Give it to your father and let him fix it.” he looks really worried about everything. “Don’t do anything crazy okay? Don't make your father arrest me for helping you kill yourself”.

Kyungsoo was a nice person. He doesn’t talk too much and look like a psychopath when he was quiet, but he was a nice guy.

And I should have listened to him.

I was in front of the address he gives to me, leaning against the wall, hoping that someone would appear when a little girl approached stumbling on her own feet.

“Be careful…”

“So don’t put your giant foot was in front of me!” she replied banging her knees, complaining about her dirty sock. She looks like a nine or ten year’s old girl. “Why are you standing there ahjusshi?”

“I am waiting for a friend”.

She looked at me for a moment and then turned to look at the PC Café before facing me back with her eyebrows together.

“Are you waiting for the handsome boy?”

“Huh?”

“The handsome boy.” she says again, flustered. “I saw him here one day…” she points to the establishment. “He said it was a secret place”.

I look to her. Mom always said that kids didn’t lie often and that they always chatted about everything they saw because they thought it was normal. She didn’t seem to be lying:

“Oh. Yes, of course. A secret place.” I smile, get in my knees to look her in the eye. “And does he usually go to this secret place by himself?”

“Ah...” she frowned her forehead and put her fist on her chin, thinking for a moment: “Sometimes he comes with other boys. I think they do boys' stuff in there.  My mom always says it's weird”.

I had asked a woman what time the PC Cafe used to open in the morning, her answer was that the place had been closed and that no one would go there. The little girl in the yellow coat was mumble with all the letters that someone used to go there, that he called it a secret place.

“Can you remember this boy's face?” I try with a smile. "If I show you a picture, you can tell me if he's the one you saw?”

“ _Any_ , I never saw his face, _ahjusshi_.” she smiled in the last word, showing her yellowed teeth. “That boy is always with hoods. Mom calls him Satan's boy, you know?”

I nodded automatically, amazed by her words. Did her mother know she was talking to strangers and was still tell them about everything she sees?

“But you know what?” she said drawing my attention. “He is always in that red jacket. My mom says he shouldn't have any clothes, he must be poor because he only have that coat”.

_Red jacket._

“This jacket?” I ask, unlocking my phone, show her a photo of me and Taehyung wearing Yongsan's jacket. She nods. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, ahjusshi. I am sure. This has a lion in the back right?”

Red jacket.

Lion.

It was the Yongsan International School time jacket.

I open the browser and try to type Kim Hansol’s name to show his face to her when I heard someone yell:

“ _Lee Eunbi!_ ” the little girl roll her eyes and run to the other sidewalk. I get up wanting to ask for just a few more moments. “ _I've been looking for you for hours, you little rascal! Are you crazy? How do you disappear like that? And who was that man?_ ”

_“Just an ahjusshi who was asking for Satan's boy, mama…”_

I sigh as they both disappear down the street while my only relevant question was push aside. _Was Kim Hansol the boy in the red coat she saw?_ The girl said she saw only his eyes. _Would she recognize him if I showed a picture of him with a mask? I would never know_.

The watch shows at 8:10 pm. The streets were already quieter and every house is closed — dad probably have called to told mom that he has dinner alone because of my delay — and that should be a reason to make me go home but finding out that someone from Yongsan was going that coffee was relatively more instigating to just go home and have dinner.

I needed to find a way to get into that place.

If anyone could get into that place without the neighbors calling the police, I could do it too. All I had to do was find an easy place to find used as a door. Probably some window.

A simple window at the back was enough to allow my access in that place. And for some reason, Do Kyungsoo came to my mind at the same instant I stepped into the establishment because he told me that I do better go home… advice that I totally ignore.

When I finally turned on the phone flashlight, I was in an empty and dusty room. The marble floor had equipment marks as if they had stood in that exact spot and had been removed.

I walked into the next room in silence, lighting the way until finally arriving where I believed to be my final destination.

“Holy shit...” I mumble to myself, swallowing, clearing the blue wall in front of me. Without hesitant, I approached the picture adorned with yellow ribbons and pictures. The handmade information board in the upper corner said **Duteopbawi-ro, Yongsan-gu. December 20, 2016.**

I turn around throwing the beam of light on the wall next to it, which has a four black background attached to it with red ribbons.

**Itaewon-ro, Yongsan-gu - June 18, 2016.**

I hold the phone tight in my hands.

I could feel every inch of my body shaking.

Kim Taehyung.

One day Bambam asked me what I thought about Taehyung's death since his name wasn’t on Kim Hansol’s list and I told him that I believed his death had been a sad coincidence, a side effect. He was on school doors that day, he had been the first to see Hansol and, probably because of that, he had been killed — so that way he couldn’t call for help when Hansol kill us all.

Now, looking at his photo, torn from a newspaper, I knew that I was always right. Kim Taehyung was a damn side effect.

Hansol had no motives against him.

A board made a noise behind me, making me turn before actually felt the impact of a punch on my face. The pain that the metal caused on my skin makes me groan and step back, letting my phone fall from my hands when the person hit me repeatedly.

Because of the darkness, all I could see is the flashlight from my phone above me when it fell down, get a kick in the knee, complaining about the pain and trying to catch the stranger in the shadows.

 _You need to shrugs. Wait for the next move_. _Grip him. Take him down. Kick him in important areas._ Dad's instructions pop in my mind when a kick hits my chest and I wrap myself around his opponent's leg.

His body crashes to the floor making him scream — I don’t recognize this person. Nevertheless, I pull his body down as his legs work to keep me away, kicking me and pushing on all sides.

He tries to cross his arm around my neck, making me turn over and get a punch in the rib. I haul my head back, feeling a tooth bump my skull and a howl deafening my ears.

His forearm close around my neck holds me firmly, forcing me to grab his thumb... _Break as many fingers as you need. Dad used to say._

Once again, I turn on him when his grip loosens in response to his broken thumb. We raised with kicks and attempts to punch, panting and dried each other — a mask and a hood covered his face. Only his eyes could be seen in the faint light of the phone lying on the floor.

 _If the attack is from the front, hit him with an open hand. You're going to have a bigger defense area that way, and then you defend yourself before the attack, so you don't get hit back. When the opponent is confused, you close your fist, thumbs over your fingers, and use his weight to punch him, okay?_ I flex my elbow, fingers open.

When this person's body throws itself in my direction by following the impulse of his fist, I punch him on the chin. His body sways back for a moment and I close my fists, thumbs over my toes and punch against his face again before I get a blow on my head that makes me squeeze my eyes and stagger.

The sound of wood against my ears echoes again, rolling over my body that thirsts with dizziness and carries my whole consciousness.

Trying to protect my face from the kicks that hit me was useless.

— ❖ —

I open my eyes before feeling my mind wakes up, creating a wave of simultaneous spasms that make noises against the floor. It takes about five minutes for me to take control over my body, which hurts and burns reminding me of what had just happened to me in that place.

Someone has fucking beaten the shit on me.

I press my palm in my eye, where a pounding pain doesn’t let me move my eyelid without wishing to be in my mom’s arms, and the iron smell that covers my nose indicates that there was a cut there.

Everything hurt.

I cough without air, groping the floor looking for my phone that would be my salvation if I found it. It's hard, but moving my body was the only solution to finding the device, which was so warm and with 2% of battery.

If mom could see me, she'd be immobilizing me on the floor the moment I felt the blood flowing through my nose, causing me nausea. She would probably call the ambulance and saying some kind of emergency code so they'd be here soon and wouldn't let me move an inch but mom wasn't here for me so a need to do something.

With difficulty, and using the wall, I rose myself up, screaming because my head and body hurt, using the faint light to look for the frames and — as I imagined — they move everything. Taehyung’s face isn’t on the wall anymore. Everything was gone.

And even though I was reluctant to leave that place because of the losing feeling in my chest, I forced my body and all my pains to follow my movements when I finally found the window to get out of that place.

— ❖ —

I don’t know exactly how long it took me to get a cab. I remember, superficially, having used my phone and screamed before I saw the screen turn off completely — I also remember about hearing a voice ask if I had called a driver and then open my eyes in someone’s car.

“Boy?” my subconscious whispers. “Can you hear me?”

“I lost the evidence…”

“What?” the voice in my head asks again. “Please, just pay for the run and get out of my car. I don’t want to have to deal with the police if you die in here... boy?”

I moan with pain when something moves my body.

“Oh God. Are you dying?” the driver asks, turning his whole body to me. I don’t know how, but I was inside a taxi. “Boy? Can you pay now?”

I pass my tongue over my sore lips, groping my pocket carefully behind my keys the moment the drive shoved me out from his car — my mother would tears apart if she saw me that way.

“Yugyeom-ssi?” I don’t need to look or move to know that it is Park Jinyoung, because he's the only one who calls me that way. Without strength, I press my head against the wall and hope he comes closer quickly. Jinyoung touches my shoulder making me moan. “Fuck what is tha-fuck! What's happened to you? Oh fucking God. What happen?”

“Can't breathe...” I try to whisper, try to keep my eyes open. “I can’t-fuck. Help me, please? Just help-”

“What?” Jinyoung holds me tightly by the waist, causing me discomfort in my lungs. “You can't come in that way...!” he says, making me move my feet. “Your parents are in the living room, they'll see you come in. You can't go in like this”.

“Fuck it.” the discomfort of his grip is suffocating, but he was right. Mom would have a heart attack if she saw me. “Take me to Bambam then”.

“He’s in Busan with Jooheon.” Jinyoung answers lying me against the door of his car. I open my mouth to ask what he is doing right now, why he isn't taking me to Jaebeom or some shit place to hide my painful ass but he just cut me off with a heavy sigh. “Let's just go to my house”.

— ❖ —

“Fuck.” Jinyoung gasps, lying me on his bed. “Don’t move okay? I am going to call a doctor and he'll-”

“No. You can’t”.

“But-”

“I say no.” I repeat, trying to sit down. “If you call a doctor, he will be obliged to notify my family. You can't do that”.

“I could say that you're my brother and-”

“Right!” I sniff in pain. “Does Choo Seulgi look like the kind of person who hides a handsome boy like me from media?” I try to sound a little bit mocking, but talk hurts. “I just need some ice and clean clothes”.

“You just need...” I hear him approaching the bed. His expression is frightened. I couldn’t see how bad it was but Jinyoung didn’t seem to be exaggerating in his reactions. He stares at me. “Are you going to die?”

“What?” If I could laugh without feeling pain, I would do it. Jinyoung is such an idiot. I roll my eyes. “Of course I am not going to die”.

“For real?” I nod again. “Thank God!” Jinyoung breathes falsely relieved. “Because I don’t want to be questioned for anyone's death Yugyeom-ssi”.

“Okay, dude…” I raise my hand to him, who faces me. “Help me out here? I need to get out of these clothes and check how bad it is”.

Park Jinyoung carefully removes my clothes, making a visible effort not to touch my bruises — what doesn't work that much — and cause me more discomfort than I was already feeling.

He doesn’t ask too much, only if I can move my arm to take off the sleeve or if I can lift my leg for him took my pants off but he also doesn’t seem compelled not to ask.

“It was a bar fight.” I answer, even if he hasn’t asked anything yet. Jinyoung helps me get to the bathroom and puts me under the shower. I look at him. “Are you going to give me a bath?”

“Can you take it yourself?” he smirked at me. I sigh. That fucking smart mouth. “That's what I thought, so shut your mouth and let me do this”.

He removes his sweater and pants, gets into the shower with me and letting the waterfall on my aching body. Mom would have a crisis if she knew I had gotten into a hot shower after getting spanked like that — she would have ended me up herself.

“Are you going to tell the rest of the story?” Jinyoung's deep voice makes me open my eyes. “Tell me if it hurts when I rub you”.

The water that falls towards the ground has a reddish color and has a ferrous smell — I touch my head quickly, thanking the gods for not having really cut my head with the fall.

“I don't remember, my head is a little confused but it was a fight because the owner of the place felt offended to see me with his girlfriend or something like this...” I answer, moaning when he presses a sensitive point in my skin. “So he just fucks me up with his friends”.

“Can you remember his face? “

“I’ll not report it”.

He didn’t say anything. He probably knew it would be useless.

Still, Jinyoung is visibly annoyed at my position as he helps me out of the bathroom and forces me to sit on his bed, wrapping my waist with a towel before shoving my hands inside it and pulling out my wet underwear — I watch him go back to the bathroom in silence.

“What should I do now?”

“We're going to wait for my body to cool down a bit” I say, watch his movements. He opens the wardrobe and walks back to bed, asking me to raise my foot. “When this happens, I need you to make ice packs-ah fuck this hurt… on my whole body”.

He rises his head.

“Then just wear your underwear.” that's what he says. “Try to raise your hip, please. I promise to be quick, it won’t hurt so much”.

But it hurts. It hurts so much that I feel my eyes watering.

When my body cools down a little, I explain what he has to do, answering all his questions with caution. Jinyoung covers my whole body with towels and fills them with ice, exactly as I said.

“Jinyoung?” I bite my lips because of the cold, feeling everything shaking. He looks at me. “What were you doing in my house?”

Bambam had sent him to pick me up. Apparently, he had forgotten my ‘date’ and had to ask Jinyoung pick me and mama had forced him to want for me, to have tea and talk because, apparently, she needs someone who wasn’t from family or work to talk about normal things — for me my mother just thing need a hobby.

And for some reason, we talk nonsenses that keep my mind away from feeling pain and in some moment I fell asleep listening to Jinyoung tell me about everything that my mom had told him about my childhood in Namyangju-si with Jeon Jungkook and my other friends.

I just didn't embark on a deeper sleep because Park Jinyoung's deep voice called me softly, telling me we needed to change rooms because his bed was wet because of me.

With difficulty, Jinyoung helped me walk to the guest room, where he laid me down in bed — and make me take the meds he had bought.

“I am going to sleep with you...” that’s when I wanted to have the strength to kick him to the moon. “I don’t want to risk not hearing you choke on your own blood, there’s no armchair in this room, so I need the bed too… I promise not to invade your space”.

“I am more worried about you kicking me in your sleep”.

“Don't worry about that.” Jinyoung said fixing my blankets before lying next to me in the bed. “Now… sleep Yugyeom-ssi”.

The light went out quickly and my ears were deaf for a moment. I closed my eyes, feeling the effect of the pill-taking me down while my thoughts spread all over the corners.

The numbness sensation is slightly when I hear my phone notification. Jinyoung had placed it at the bedside.

“What are you doing?” the man next to me asked when he probably felt my body move. I explained that needed to check my messages and warn my mother. I felt his body move against mine. “Don't move too much, it won't do you any good”.

“Yeah… thanks.” I whispered embarrassed, press my thumb on the digital, stared at my messages inbox. “Shit”.

 **UNKNOWN ID 1:01PM**  
I told you to stop looking for me, Yugyeom.

 _2min ago_  
Now look at you painted in bruises!

 _1min ago_  
How much longer will I have to beat you to death?

The bed next to me moves just as slowly as my consciousness seems to begin to be buried under the effect of the pill. And I uselessly try to keep the drowsiness and the anxiety away, but it was too late for me really understand what he means with that message, and the only thing that left for me was to lock my phone and close my eyes.

**[CURRENT DAYS; YONGSAN INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL]**

“Do you want me to be honest?" I ask, seeing him nod. “I drank more than I should and kissed some guy girlfriend in the club. As you can see by my state, the guy wasn’t very pleased with me doing that”.

“Kim Yugyeom, how many times do I have to say that you shouldn’t kiss everyone you find pretty?” Kunpimook Bhuwakul Bambam gives a little pinch in my neck. “Why are you so stupid? This world has so much pussy to you… why look for trouble?”

“Because I like to try some different things.” I answer and he raises his hand to give me another pinch. “Just kidding! I’ll not do it again”.

“Promise me”.

I sign to my best friend, knowing he was tired of worrying about the things I did wrong in life. It was almost uncomfortable to have to lie to him so smiled, promise to him something that I could really do.

“Don’t worry too much hyung, I promise I'll never do anything stupid again.” if Park Jinyoung's plans worked out, we would be face to face with my possible stalker. Bambam sighs with relief. I smile at him, knowing that one day he’s found out and kill me. “Yeah. Finger promise”.

 


	16. F O U R T E E N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [WARNING]  
> This is a chapter where the past and present meet,  
> so this will have some flashbacks to explain the current present.  
> Sooooo, this is a ‘big’ chapter.

  
  
  
  
  
From when we were born, we are guided to form a union with others.  
An eternal road to connect, to love, to belong.  
— Emily Thorne.

When I got home that afternoon after class, I heard mom scream and complain about being tired of seeing me getting hurt, about how I needed to learn to control my hormones — she also says that she’s tired of talking to me about everything I was doing wrong in my poor life.

A few hours later, I heard more screams from my dad. Then Jaebeom, who reminded me of how much he kept asking me to be careful to go out alone and mess with people that I didn’t know — he got really upset with me that I wanted to tell him about what I had discovered about Kim Hansol and Taehyung. I wish at that moment that I could say everything to him.

But I didn’t tell him anything because I was partly worried about him getting hurt because of me, and partly because I had promised Jinyoung that I wouldn't let anyone but him and Kyungsoo know about that story.

That night I had a nightmare, about loss and blood.

“What are you thinking?” mom used to say that Bambam was sensitive. “Are you sure you have nothing else to say to me?” he sighed, probably because of the way I move my shoulders. “You know you can tell me anything, don't you?”

“Yeah”.

He suggestive gaze stared me back.

“So?”

What am I supposed to say? That someone was sending me threats and that someone had fucked me down because I was looking in the wrong place? No fucking way! Could tell him anything.

He would certainly make me talk to my father, which could be worse.

“Look Bambam, I-”

“Bambam!” I widened my eyes so relieved that Jeon Jungkook's grave voice cut the conversation off. “Christ. I've been looking for you for hours hyung. Where the hell have you been?” he asks anxiously. Jungkook turned to me, pointing to my face. “Another fight?”

I nodded relieved by his intrusion.

“You know me, I love trouble”.

Jungkook nodded back with a smile in the corner of his mouth.

“This is so weird…” Bambam whispered falsely scary. “I think it's the first time in two years that I've seen two talking without insult each other at every single moment”.

I look angry at him.

“Shut up!” say putting my things together. “I have to-”

“Just wait a minute!” Jeon Jungkook shouted to get everyone's attention in the cafeteria when he holds me by the arm. Bambam stared at me surprised, probably expecting me to make a scandal. “Oh, I-”

“Huh? What do you want?”

“Fuck. Really? You will hear me?” I roll my eyes, ask him to say what he wants to say. Bambam seemed genuinely pleased. “It's ah… how can I ask this to you guys…” Jungkook bit his mouth. “Jimin's having a party and-”

“No.” I cut him off, push his hand away. “Thanks for ask”.

“Yugyeom!”

“What Jungkook?” I asked impatiently, scratching the unicorn band-aid over my bruised nose. “What makes you think I’d want to go to a fucking party given by Park Jimin?” I really wanted to get out of there before Bambam had another chance to interrogate me. “Dude, I don’t like him, he doesn’t like me…” I say with a shrug. “So no. Thank you”.

Jeon does that thing with his tongue, which he used to do when he was angry and glares at me impatiently.

“Let's get something straight? Jimin was never the kind of person who doesn’t like someone for nothing!” he complains, folding his arms. “It was you who attacked him for a comment, so he really has a reason to hate you, but he doesn’t. In fact, Jimin talks about wanting to apologize for what he said to you.” Jungkook mumbles the last part, visibly determined to show me how much his new best friend is kind. “Really! He wants to say sorry to you for everything and we know that he don-”

“Do I care?” I ask him. Jungkook looks at me with a strange look on his face. “Frankly, after all these years you don’t know me? Do you really think I want that asshole excuses? No thank you”.

“Yugyeom!” Jungkook screams again, preventing me from leaving my seat. “Can you make a little effort please?”

“Why should I?”

“Because he knows I miss you!” It is hard to tell if Jungkook was telling the truth because his eyes simply look away, in another direction, or if he is playing dumb with me. “He is doing this to help because I really miss being able to talk to you...” Jungkook’s eyes met mine again, with hope. “So please?”

 I knew that Bambam miss being able to walk with Jungkook since before Taehyung. They were close and I was always getting in the way and mess everything for them — and Bambam was always questioning me now, maybe it would be wise to give Jeon a chance to prove useful once in his life — now he seemed really looking forward to helping me to get Bam away from my ass.

“Jungkook, I-”

“He told me everything, okay?” his lips move before his brain, because if it was really hoped he wouldn’t have thrown that at me just as I was beginning to give what he wants. “I think you need someone to-”

I push him, shoving the tray on the dispatch table, making it clear before leaving them alone for real this time:

“The answer is no”.

— ❖ —

When the last class finish, at 8 PM, I left the school in a hurry because I didn’t really want to meet with Bambam in the hallway and must explain what Jeon Jungkook was talking about when he said that Jimin had told him everything. I also didn’t want to find Jungkook himself, who would piss me off about something he and Jimin didn’t understand.

All I wanted was to get home, throw myself in bed and sleep until the next day because I was exhausted. However, all I got was Park Jinyoung waiting for me with a charming expression that said ‘I am going to kill you slowly for disobeying me’.

I grind my teeth, wondering if I should go back and face Bambam or go to him and listen to another sermon. Nothing seems good to me but my mom always said that life wasn’t fair and so Kunpimook suddenly appeared next to me, kicking my knee from the back and shouting.

“Ya! Didn’t I say that I was waiting for you? We need to talk!”

“Fuck, it hurts…!” I complain. “Why you kick me you, idiot?”

“Oh, now I am the idiot? Shut up before I slap your face and kick your fucking balls your fuc-”.

“Bambam...?” I sigh relieved, turning to Jinyoung with a friendly smile to him. I was glad that he saves me from Bambam. “It’s really you. Hi”.

“Hyung?” my best friend practically throw himself into Jinyoung’s arms to hug him. “What are you doing here? I thought you were in New York? Mark hyung said you could only come back the end of the month”.

“Oh. Yeah. I deal with the problems before the deadline and decided to come back early.” Jinyoung was a real liar. He walked away from Bambam, giving a grip on his cheek. “Happy to see me?”

Wasn't it obvious by the size of his smile?

“Yeah, of course”.

“Good.” the oldest of us said smiling back, petting his head. I wanted to ask if he thought Bambam was a dog to be put in such a rough way but shut my mouth. “Do you have any compromise now? I wanted to take you to dinner with me. To make up for that birthday cake”.

“Whoa, Park Jinyoung wants to take me to dinner?"

“Good! Now you have Jinyoung. I need to-”

“You too.” Jinyoung cut me off without look at me. Fuck me God because he looks mad. I nod my head, saying no. “You’ll have dinner with us, Yugyeom. Just like old times”.

I could say no, make up an excuse or make Bambam believe that he wanted to dine alone with Jinyoung — which wouldn’t be exactly a lie to him — and that I would be a fucking three while for them.

But I knew that Park Jinyoung could spoil everything for me if I piss him evermore, and I had already broken his patient limit for one day.

I sniffed at my situation but smile:

“You know what?” I move my hands, saw the way Bambam look at him and me. I turn to Jinyoung. “I think it's a wonderful idea!”

**[ONE WEEK BEFORE; SEOUL NATIONAL UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL]**

I always have confusing dreams about Kim Taehyung.

In some, Hansol was there, holding Taehyung by the neck, pressing his gun on Tae’s chest or smiling at him as if it were an ominous warning of death.

In other, Taehyung appeared in the crowd when the cops rushed us out of school and hugged me so tight that I swore I could feel my bones hurt in his long arms.

This time, before I woke up, I dreamed about Taehyung staring at me from the cafeteria door and told me in his gaze that I am guilty — but I was in a hospital when I finally opened my eyes to the world and let the dreaming Taehyung go off me.

My ears were deaf.

I struggled to try to read the doctor's lips but it was useless. It was as if my brain could not keep up with his mouth movements — I was deaf.

At least for the first 2 hours after waking up.

Very quickly, Jinyoung explained to me that my sudden deafness had something to do with the medication they had given me, like a side effect, and that soon I would have only a slight headache and the memory of having lost all the sounds so suddenly.

After that, we didn't talk because Jinyoung kept busy outside and I was too sleepy because the pills — it was like this until my discharge day from the hospital, three days later.

I had fractured a rib, injured my knee, taken two stitches in my left eyebrow and have bruises that would take two months to heal if I behave myself and took the meds.

“Okay!” I yelled, giving up because we get in his house and Jinyoung was slamming everything he could to show that he was mad. “What? Why the fuck did you make me come here if you were going to be acting like this huh? Why are y-”

“What's the last thing you remember?”

He looks deadly serious.

“What?”

“Don’t make me yell to you! The last thing you remember before fainted and woke up in the hospital Yugyeom.” he explained inflating his noses. “Tell me, what the last thing…”

“Ah…” I think for a moment before actually answering his question. “You lie in bed and erase the lamp? I don-”

“I told you to stop looking for me, Yugyeom...” he said seriously with a cold, indifferent voice. “Now look at you painted with bruises”.

I open my mouth ready to lecture him for having stirred in my phone without my permission, but I am cut off by his voice:

“I am going to kill you.” he continues to speak, citing the message I had received. “I think the best thing you do is hide but hide well... very well because if I find you...” Jinyoung says loud. “And I will surely find you, I’ll part your body in pieces and expose you as a good artwork in name of the first judge. The game begins now”.

I close my eyes, squeezing my soft my pants.

“Jinyoung-”

“All this time Yugyeom. All this time!” he shouts taking the pillow next to me, knocking it right into my face. “All this time you’re run after Yongsan’s shooter?” he yells again, beating me. Maybe it's the pain in my chest but when his aggression becomes more violent, I can't defend myself with just one arm. “Aish!”

He stops.

“Are you over?” I ask throwing myself back in bed, exhausted by the piled pillows I had taken. I hear him laughing. “Christ. How can you do this to an invalid person Jinyoung? Ouch! Okay! I’ll stop”.

“Stop change subject and admit it Yugyeom. Admit that you were after that crazy idea that Taehyung's murderer isn’t really Hansol and that someone beat the shit out on you!” Park Jinyoung say mad. “It will be more honorable than to keep lying that way”.

I sigh.

He was right.

“Yes. I was after the person I think is the real murder behand Hansol and someone tries to make me understand that I need to step back.” I answer him. Tell another person make it more real. Shit. “And before you yell at me, look to my face… this fucking face could tell you that I was right about it Jinyoung. Hansol doesn’t play this fucking game alone”.

“Are you crazy?” Jinyoung asked. “This can be serious Yugyeom, you can be fucking serious right now! The cops already say that-”

“The cops don’t know anything!” I yelled, rose up. “I saw it with my own eyes Jinyoung. The place was a kind of hiding place, it had pictures with information about three attacks and-”

“Are you trying to kill yourself?”

He could not be serious.

Was that what he was worried about? With the fact that I could die instead of worrying about the fact that Hansol was just a piece of the puzzle that no one seemed to pay attention to?

“It wasn’t intentional at first, okay?” I explain quickly. Jinyoung stares at me in disbelief. “Really! Do you remember that trip to Daegu? I didn’t go to see my aunt; I went to talk to Hansol’s best friend mother, and I remembered something-”

“What?” Jinyoung crank. “You’re doing this since that time?”

“Huh.” I nod. “Look… someday I was in my house and I remembered that I had seen Hansol the month before the attack, that he was talking to a boy about not being able to go back because he had used his cred card to buy something”.

“What?” Jinyoung raises his eyebrows. “Are you saying… that you saw them plan the attack a month before it happens? What the fuck?”

“I think so!” I swallow. “Everything indicates that. So I just wanted to talk to his mother, to understand better what I had seen because it looked like I could have avoided it if I had paid more attention.”

Park Jinyoung's eyes ask me for more explanations.

“That's when the messages started.” I say pressing my palm against my rib that hurt so much. “At first I thought it was Bambam's joking around, but the threats didn’t stop. He accessed my laptop webcam, my e-mails... so I had to figure it out”.

“And how fuck you figure it out?”

“The money you lent me for my mother's ring...” I say because eventually, he would find out. Jinyoung's eyes widen. “There was no other way to found something about this, okay? I needed money to pay a guy”.

“What guy Yugyeom?” Jinyoung sniff. “What did you do huh?”

“Nothing dangerous. I just hire a person... a hacker”.

Without any half-words or half-truths, I tell everything I wanted to tell Bambam and Jaebeom to Park Jinyoung, who listens to me and shouts at me and makes me silent and looks at me seriously and seems to want to hug me every moment while I expose everything that happened.

In the end, Park Jinyoung grabs his hair, bends his body forward and puts his head between his legs. I sigh impatiently.

“So you were right this whole time?” his voice surprised me. I looked at him without understanding. “Taehyung was never a target?”

“Oh…” I move my head, look at my bruises. “Yeah. I was right”.

“Wow. It's unbelievable!” Jinyoung whispers thoughtfully. “When did you get the first message from this guy?”

“I already said to you. After you went to Kim Byungjoo's house the night you and Mark hyung fought in the club. That day”.

Jinyoung nods in silence.

He takes some time with his head down. I wonder if I should comfort him because I knew how much of it was suffocating.

“The pictures you saw?” his voice asks softly. “What other address did you say you saw?” I answer automatically, receiving a sigh. “It was the first attack of the year”.

“Right!” I say eagerly. “Remember when we had that fight at that lunch with the others and you insisted that every attempt seemed like something planned? That everything was too like the first case?”

“Yeah, and the pictures you saw are proof. Hansol didn’t act alone at that time…” Park Jinyoung nods, finally looking at me. “The attack on Yongsan was his part of what happened after… this isn’t random?” he asked me, narrowing his eyes. “He wasn’t alone…?”

A line appeared between his black eyebrows.

“Yeah, and it's going to happen again”.

Park Jinyoung's face becomes paler.

“We need to tell your father!”

I smiled without humor, ashamed because telling everything to my father wouldn’t solve it anymore. The cops don’t believe in anything.

“They closed the investigation.” I whisper in embarrassment because if I were the detective in charge, I would never have stopped looking for answers. It wasn’t a terrorist group, it was just stupid teenagers being manipulated by someone. The waiter who gave me Byungjoo’s family address knew that they were both weirds and they are involved with someone older. According to mrs. Kim, her husband thought the same, there are talking to someone else. “I don’t have anything to show as proof, I don’t know how but the messages this person sends to me faded after I open it and the hacker who helped me was clear in saying that he was a professional”.

“But Yugyeom…” Park Jinyoung sighed because he knew I was right about that. No one can believe in me without proof. “You’re not afraid of what might happen to you if you keep looking for yourself?”

“Why would I?” I ask with a smile. “It's not like I can do anything differently now Jinyoung. My name is already on the list anyway. In the fucking top… I am already dead anyway”.

**[CURRENT DAYS; JUNG-GU]**

I had finished my dinner in silence as I listened to them talk about banalities of the past and about the present, like Bambam’s new boyfriend Lee Jooheon — who was a complete asshole.

“I didn't think I'd see you dating someone for real.” were Jinyoung’s exact words, like a stab wound right in the heart because he knew that Bambam wished to date ‘for real’ with only one person and that’s not Lee fucking Jooheon. “But I am super happy for you”.

“Yeah… ah, thank you hyung”.

I kicked him when I saw him smile at Bambam as if he didn't even know how wrong that was.

“Are you kidding with him your fucker?”

“Yugyeom...!” Bambam whispered ashamed. Everyone knew he was in love with Park Jinyoung. “Excuse me, I am going to the bathroom”.

“Do you want me to go with you?” I ask in haste, seeing him deny it automatically. Bambam was clearly upset. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” although his lips were smiling, I knew he wasn’t happy. “Stay and do Jinyoung company”.

The instant Bambam departs from our table, Park Jinyoung's moves over, staying totally at my side:

“What the fuck were you thinking when you decided to go back to school kiddo?”

“First of all” I growl turning to him. “Never act that way with Bambam again. He doesn't deserve your cold heart”.

“He knows that I don-”

“Fuck you and I don’t care! Don’t do this again. Secondly, how many times do I have to repeat that you're not my father and that I don't have to follow your fucking orders?” try to not yell at him. “What did you expect huh? To me to stay in your house forever? Come on! Classes are going to be over in a month and I need to be good if you want to go UNI”.

“Wh-really?” his mouth smiles sarcastically. “Are you mocking me?”

“Do I look like I am mocking you?”

“Such a brat...!” he growls, giving me a peel. “Someone has threatened you and you're worried about getting into UNI?”

“Of course I am. It's not because I'm being threatened that I can ignore my future. Not everybody born rich like you Park Jinyoung”.

Ever since Jinyoung found out about the messages and threats, he's been acting like he's my fucking father. It was exhausting to follow his orders just for having received shelter when I needed it, so I didn't think twice when I decided to go back to my life.

I just wanted to stay away from him.

In the meantime, I knew I owed him a big favor:

“Thank you for letting me stay at your house for all that time, for taking me to the doctor and worrying, also for not running to the police station okay?”  I giggle at the last part because I was grateful for that. My dad could kill me if Jinyoung has said something. “But I don't need your protection. You've done enough”.

We had combined a few things — in fact, Jinyoung had made me agree with everything at the base of slaps — about how we would make it work without anyone getting killed:

  1. don’t leave the apartment alone — because it was too risky;
  2. don’t go after clues — because someone can hit me again;



3 If I wasn’t at home, always keep my phone close;

  1. If I need to leave, always be accompanied by someone — because, in his perception, no one would attack me that way;
  2. let him hire a private investigator — because we weren't professionals and we'd end up dead because of me.



The only rule I cared about was the last, to use the eldest money to hire a detective. Partly because I was injured and couldn't even walk right without feeling pain, partly because the idea of paying someone to take the risk for us was better than going out there getting caught.

In short, I was a self-starter and I was in peace with it.

“Whatever.” Jinyoung grumbling over his upper lip, turning to grab something in his bag. “The guy I hired?”

“Did he call?”

“He found that the PC Café was sold about two years ago and that the previous owner had no idea that the place was in operation, who bought the land said he would drop it to build a park.” Jinyoung answer giving me the papers. “The current owner said that he bought the place on an automatic sale, it was all done over the internet, he has no idea who sale it”.

So we were again in a dead-end again. I sigh.

“But what about the money?” I wonder. “Dad always said that to find a criminal you just follow the money. Did mr. Lee tries to trace the source of the payment?” the eldest nod. “Really?”

“Yes. Both cases are very similar. The difference is that in the first a phantom company was used as a field buyer. The money doesn't have a place to exist because the company never existed for real. The same goes for the second sale, it is a bank that directs money to the seller's account that doesn’t exist anymore”.

“So you’re trying to tell me that you and your detective can’t help me with anything… like the way I told you?”

“Fuck you.” Jinyoung cough irritated. “After all, I've done and all the money I've spent Yugyeom?” he had decided to overthrow all the honorifics with me because according to him we’re on the same page now. I hated to hear him call me by his first name. “You're really an ungrateful son of a bitch you know that right?”

Before I can reply in a rude and accurate manner, Bambam comes up with his annoying smile and his clearly red eyes — he had been crying about Park Jinyoung in the bathroom.

The conversation dissolves slowly in the air as he blabs about his courtship and how things were going well. At the end of the dinner, Jinyoung takes him home and offers to drops me home.

The only problem is that his ride takes me straight to his apartment, where I had been locked for weeks before I got the sweet freedom to go to school. In Park Jinyoung's head, my father being a sheriff didn’t prove anything about my safety because he was always away from home and my mother was a nurse, doing double turn. I was alone most of the time and, according to him, he didn’t want my parents to come home one day and find my dead fucking body.

“First of all, I want to make it clear that I am only going back to this infernal place because mom has a double shift today!” I grumbled past the belt. “But I am going back to my house tomorrow. I cannot keep making up apologizing to them, dad's starting to think I have a girlfriend!”

“Would it be so bad to get a girlfriend?”

“Look at me…” I say seriously. “Do I look like someone how wants to date some random girl?”

“Yeah. Real.” Jinyoung nods, frowning. “By the way, you owe me a session.” I had no idea what the session had to do with me didn’t seem like someone serious about dating. I was perplexed by his strategic change. Jinyoung giggle. “What? You own me”.

“Are you really going to make me sit down after the night you put me through Jinyoung? Do you have no soul or heart? I am tired!”

“Do you want me to remind you how much I gave you to redeem your engagement ring from your mother Yugyeom?” my chin falls. He’s so mean. Oh God. “Not to mention how much I spent with the private detective, his doctor-”

“Already, already. I get it!” I cried incredulously. “I used your money and you want your payback. You don’t have to smash it in my face anymore”.

He convinced smile gives me shivers.

“Great!” Jinyoung mumble, getting out of the car before me. I follow him with my sad face. “And don’t forget to take your meds, you heard what the doctor said…” I roll my eyes, walking throws the hall, ignoring his voice. “Take care of yourself, I need you later!”

I just wanted to spend two miserable minutes alone.

**[FIVE DAYS BEFORE; SEOUL]**

If anyone asked me to admit it aloud, I would never say that it was incredibly easy to get along with Park Jinyoung. Partly because he didn’t spend much time in his own home, partly because of the time he spent he was always in his office doing some important business or something in his notebook.

In this way, it was simple and easy to get along with him.

It was also easy to find out about his life. For example, Jinyoung was good at his job. He was the manager of a whole division in his uncle's company — people respected him not for being an heir but for being good and always having innovative suggestions. In his private life, Park Jinyoung was arrogant and a little egocentric but at work, he was a concentrated and very ethical adult.

I also discovered that Jinyoung was the kind of person who knew how to do everything. He could play the piano — not as well as Jackson — and could play guitar like nobody else. He was also the one who prepared his own meals, washed, passed and organized his own clothes.

He was completely different from everything he appeared to be.

“Christ!” I relief a satisfying sound, running my hand over my belly with a long sigh. “That was so good that I think I am in heaven now”.

“I'm glad you liked it.” Jinyoung smiles as he takes the dirty dishes from the table. “I can cook again tomorrow”.

“Huh? Ahjumma said that you would spend the day out tomorrow”.

“Ahjumma?” Jinyoung stands, watching me. “Since when are you two so close? She hates being called that way”.

“I don’t think so…” I shrug. “She said I could call her that”.

“Oh. I see.” Jinyoung says thoughtfully. _Why? This is a bad thing that she let me call her ahjumma?_ I thought for a moment. “Anyway, I'll be home tomorrow. I finish my work yesterday as you sleep”.

I wanted to say something about this because it sounds weird when he said, ‘as you slept’, but my phone started ringing. I smile as soon as I saw who was texting me.

 **the best hyung  
10:56pm  
**is anyone missing me?

 **me  
10:56pm  
**I don’t think so…

 **the best hyung  
10:57pm  
**oh really? I thought that someone misses me   
I even thought about   
buying a gift for that person   
how miss me... fuck, he lost

I laugh.

 **me  
10:58pm  
**Does someone say ‘gift’?  
OH GOD  
Of course I miss you!

 **the best hyung  
10:58pm  
**fucking bastard lol

 _2min ago_  
Let's go out? I cannot stand bam anymore dude,   
he just calls me out when he wants to talk about   
Jinyoung... please Yugyeom, let's go out with me!!

Was Bambam upset Jaebeom with his stories about Jinyoung again? I looked up, looking for the eldest, but he disappears, probably was washing the dishes and it gives me time to think about how much Bambam loved him. In addition, something blows my mind.

From the time I was there, I wondered if I should do something to get them back together — I happened to find out that Jinyoung wasn’t so bad and that Bambam deserved more than Lee Jooheon.

I nod no to myself because this isn’t my cup of tea to put one finger in it, so I turning my eyes to the phone. However, before I could answer to Jaebeom, I heard Jinyoung call me.

“Yes?”

“Oh, nothing. Just… you look so serious. What were you thinking?”

“Ah…” I could lie to him. “About Bambam.” I sigh and sit right in my chair. “Why did you leave him? Back then, you guys look like a fucking pretty couple dude” I explain myself, wrinkling my eyebrows. “Then why did you just leave him that way?”

Park Jinyoung opens and closes his mouth, probably not knowing exactly what to say. Maybe Bambam was too much for him.

“Let's not talk about it”.

“But why?” I ask. “Because that makes you think of the fact that you always give up on the one who loves you? Or because you just don’t have balls to admit that you can’t handle your own feelings?”

The anger in his face warns me about the unauthorized subject.

Jinyoung had been in love with a person named Seokjin. However, according to Jackson, the older man had begun to like Bambam even though he had Seokjin in his heart. That is why he had broken up with Bambam because he started liked him after everything.

But to me… this is bullshit.

“No. It’s just… for real?” he sigh. I nod. “Just because I don’t give a damn shit about his feelings.” Jinyoung answer. “How many times do I have to say it? Jackson didn’t know what he was talking about that day, Yugyeom. I've never loved Bambam.” his face doesn’t seem to be lying and I hate him for this. “And I've never lied about it. He always knew and still wanted to be with me. It was just sex for me”.

My chin shakes something that happens only when I lie or when I am very angry. I didn’t know if I was angry with him for being rude about my best friend, or about me believing that I should try hard to get them together again.

“You really are a son of a bitch”.

He then replies with a serious look:

“A son of a bitch who wants to fuck you”.

I loosen my fingers.

What?

“Dude…” I breathe. He always does shit like this. “You have to stop it”.

Jinyoung liked to make that kind of joke. The first time I heard him say that I almost ran into him, just to hear him explain that the whole situation was part of his research. It was how he recorded my reactions of a surprise since I couldn’t catch myself unaware otherwise.

It was annoying and embarrassing.

“It's really annoying”.

“I don’t think that way…” he laughs. “It's really funny to me.” Jinyoung licks his lips, sitting on the chair in front of me. “All the color escapes from your face. It's hilarious Yugyeom”.

“Oh fuck you”.

“Yugyeom!” I hear him shout as I get up and walk toward the stairs. I'd rather stay in the room. “Ya! Don’t be so immature, come here and let hyung hear you say how you would like to be fucked!”

**[CURRENT DAYS; KARAOKE]**

We had gone to dinner at My Chelsea on cohesion because Jackson Wang was manipulative and cunning enough force us to eat at a place like that just so he could win a prize.

Due to that dinner, we find out that Min Yoongi was single again and had finally returned to the ‘Winx club’. Jackson and Jaebeom will also surprise everyone by making it clear that they were no longer together, that they were now really ‘friends’. Like, they weren’t having sex anymore.

And I could have sworn I had never seen Mark and Youngjae as happy as in the next few moments, the one announced, because all they did was smile and talk as if the whole world needed to hear them.

By the end of the night, everyone was drunk — except me, whom Park Jinyoung’s prying eyes were watching all the time. He did not seem tired of reminding me that I was on medication.

“How do you know he's taking medication?”

“Huh?” Jinyoung turned to Hoseok. “I saw him buy it”.

“When?” it was Mark's turn to question. I narrowed my eyes as I heard him say the exact day he was supposed to be out of the country. “Huh?”

“It turns out he's back early...” I get in the conversation cause he’s just so stupid that he even notice everyone looks. “Jinyoung ran into me at the pharmacy and I said to him what happened”.

“Yeah. This is true.” Jinyoung nods. “Yugyeom wa-”

“Yugyeom?” I grunt my teeth at Bambam's surprise question. “Since when did you stop using honorifics? You used to call him Kim Yugyeom-ssi until last week…”

“Do you know what I've been thinking?” I asked them, slamming my soda on the table. “We should go to the party”.

“Party?” Yoongi finally turns to look at me. “What’s party?”

“Park Jimin's party.” I grinned from ear to ear, watching the curious way my best friend stares at me. I could do anything to make him forget about Jinyoung’s big mouth. “What do you think Bammie?”

— ❖ —

“Gyeom-ah!” Lee Jooheon, whose existence I had forgotten until then, shouts, hugs me. “Ewc. What was the noise you just made? Did I hurt you?” the blonde-haired boy asks in surprise, pulling me away sharply, which gives me enough space to punch him. “Ouch! Why did you hit me?”

“Yugyeom…!” Bambam chuckled as he approached his boyfriend. He looks angry at me. “Don’t hit him. Please”.

“Why not? I always say that I don’t like it when this tacky hug me and he still doing it anyway.  He deserves a fucking punch in the face”.

“Tacky?” Jooheon looks at his boyfriend. “This is a compliment?”

What an idiot.

Bambam chuckled, hugging him.

“No baby. Just ignore him”.

“Oh.” Jooheon nod. “I'm sorry, Gyeom-ah.” his voice sounds embarrassed but his smile doesn’t suit in him. “But seriously, did I hurt you here?” Jooheon raises his dark eyebrows as sweeps me with his eyes. I take the handoff of the bruise. “What happened to your rib? Did someone hit you there too? Let me give you l-”

“Fuck off dude!”

Yoongi holds me by the arm as I walk past him, asking if everything is okay — I hate lying to him because Yoongi is always good and funny to me. He was like my funny older brother but I couldn’t simply say that my rib hurt because otherwise, I would have to tell everyone that the bruises were more serious than they looked.

So I just ignored him and went upstairs to Jimin's house.

Before I can reason and think about the shortness of breath, I feel my body being pushed all the way into the bathroom and then Park Jinyoung is in front of me, unzipping my jacket.

I hold onto the sink when he finally opens the immobilizer, making me pant and squint because my whole skin seemed to be on fire — the doctor had been clear, I couldn’t hit or pressure my rib and Jooheon just has to give me a bear hug. My fucking ribs hurt so much.

“I told you to be careful...!” Jinyoung whispered throwing my jacket over the toilet, asking me to hold the shirt while he checked the bruise in my skin. “Did he squeeze you too hard?” I moan, answering. “You know that you still hurt and need to be really careful, especially when you were going to hug someone, you heard what the doctor said…” he pauses as he examines my back where he should not be purple anymore. Maybe Jooheon was the initial cause of the pain... maybe not. “Fucking God. What was that Yugyeom? Why is your back like this again? What the fuck!”

I close my eyes as I feel his grip there.

“Okay. Maybe I ignored the doctor's warnings and tried to work on Diana and maybe, but just maybe, I accidentally hit the table… like, three times”.

If he could beat me, he would surely have beaten me for having wasted all his time and money but Jinyoung couldn’t touch me, all he could do was massage the area with fresh water as the doctor had suggested because he knows that he could hurt me even more.

I bit my tongue when he touches my abs.

And even though I was with my eyes closed, could hear the door open and a laugh was lost in someone's throat:

“What the fuck is going on here?”


	17. F I F T E E N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It was a joke. You do the same all the time!” I yell again, make it clear that this shit isn’t right. “How stupid of you to believe... you know what? Fuck you. I don’t care. Stupid of me to think we can be friends or some shit like that.” Hoseok asked again what was going on and I had to yell at him to see him leave me alone with Jinyoung. “I'll give you one last warning... if you get close to me again I'll forget all you've done and I'll split your head in half Jinyoung”.
> 
> He put his hands to his head, confused.
> 
> “Yugyeom-”
> 
> “We end up here Jinyoung-ssi.” I say firmly, taking the key out of my pocket. “Stay out of my life. Don’t fuck look at me again”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I take too long? I'm sorry it took so long to update, I was busy with college stuff, but now I got a few hours free and got it up to date. I don't know if you have grammar errors, not being able to correct everything deeply. Stay tuned, because it's a double update.  
> I hope you enjoy... do not scold me!

  
  
  
  


The first rule of dirty deals,   
you should always have a contingency   
plan that fucks your opponent in the ass  
harder than they bite you — Nolan Ross.

A gasp escapes from my throat.

I arch my back over him, making his grip slip from my shoulders to my forearms before trying to turn me on a counterattack.

He wrapped his legs around me, knocking me downtime enough to apply a neck brace on me.

I throw my elbow against his chest, which encourages him to squeeze the arm around me even more, so I prick my teeth on his flesh, rolling quickly over him.

“Fuck!” Park Jinyoung yells, getting to his knees before falling back as he receives my punch. “Damn you!”

“You lost”.

“What? Of course not. You bit me!” I smiled at his disgusted expression, make a stop signal when he threatened to move on top of me. My rib needed time. “I cannot believe you really bit me, Yugyeom… you fucking little brat”.

“Don’t call me that grandpa.” I joke around. “It's what everyone always says… never trust in your opponent, he can play dirty.” I squeeze my eyes, feeling tired because of our physical exercises. “I play dirty Jinyoung. Very dirty”.

“That's why we're not friends Yugyeom.” Park Jinyoung says with a giggle. “You’re too stupid and don’t play clean”.

I laugh, feeling the mat on my back.

“Whoa, did you finally admit it?”

It had been exactly three months since I had been attacked. The doctor had released me for exercise because I had healed properly and seemed healthier now — and Jinyoung beat the shit on me every time we were training in his gym.

Some things had happened during that time.

I was still receiving threats. Jinyoung's detective was still shit and Kyungsoo was incommunicado for some mysterious reason.

I also had school ended in two weeks. I made UNI exam — many of them — and had followed Jinyoung’s advice, my almost private psychologist, to keep quiet and focused on other things.

At that particular end of the month I spent a lot of time in my garage fiddling with Diana and listening music with mom, also tried to ignore the random things about the new cases that dad was trying to solve and was devoting myself more to personal follow-up ‘consultations’ with Park Jinyoung.

Bambam wasn’t speaking with me. I still didn’t know why but I suspected it had something to do with Yoongi having seen me inside the bathroom with Park Jinyoung, almost shirtless as he massaged me for a reason I couldn’t explain to them.

“Jinyoung?” mrs. Hae called and I raise my head. I liked her presence. Her expression, however, looks gloomy as she notices me. “Oh. I didn’t know Yugyeom was with you, sir”.

“It's all right _ahjumma_." Jinyoung looks as confused as I do because mrs. Hae didn’t usually be so political and serious with him. Much less with me. She was always smiling. Something is wrong. “It's just Yugyeom”.

“But I am leaving!” I say in a hurry, picking up my things. The doctor had released me for exercise but he hadn’t said anything about practicing muay thai so heavily and my chest was starting to ache. I needed to take my medication. “I'll let you know when I have some free time to finish the interviews”.

“Checkups.” Park Jinyoung corrects me rolling his eyes. He’s such a showoff person. He was a fifth-semester student and he just assists me because his professor, how was my real doc, had given him permission to talk with me for him. “But don’t go… I want to talk to you”.

“Bu-”

“I say… I want to talk to you.” he repeats himself, makes me roll my eyes and sits down again. “Anyway... ahjumma?”

I don't know why but mrs. Hae doesn’t want me there.

“I believe this is a topic for another time sir”.

“Sir?” Park Jinyoung huffs like a spoiled boy. “For God’s sake, you know I hate that you call me that. What you want?”

“Ah…” she glares at me. “Jinyoung…”

“What?” he looks at her, looking at me. “It’s because of Yugyeom?” he rolls his eyes again. “Ahjumma, don’t worry about Yugyeom, we have a confidentiality agreement contract so you can say whatever you want in front of him”.

Confidentiality agreement contract?

I would never submit to a confidentiality agreement.

“As you wish.” mrs. Hae nods. “This letter has arrived.” he says politely. Jinyoung frowns, wondering why so much secret over a correspondence. The man’s whole body stops moving. “Should I throw it away sir?” he says nothing. “Jinyoung?”

“No.” her eyes widened, surprised at the sound of his tone. It was the first time I had seen him talk to mrs. Hae like that, so coldly. “Do you have something more to say to me?”

“Yes, sir.” I stretch my neck and silently turn the envelope, reading the sender. _Shit_. “Mr. Min called to you, he asked to inform him that he will be here in a few hours”.

“It's ok. Tell him he can come up when he gets there.” when I look up, I was surprised by Park Jinyoung's cold look. “Maybe you should go home Yugyeom. Yoongi and I have some important issues to talk about and I just forgot about it”.

He was lying.

“It's all right. I can wait in the room an-”

“I want you to leave”.

I was truly trying to get along with Jinyoung, in part because we had a secret, in part because I enjoyed being able to take advantage of his psychological knowledge in our more professional conversations but I still couldn’t bear the way he used to treat me whenever something bothered him. It was not fair.

“Look Park Jinyoung, it's not my fault you fucking ex send you a letter okay?” I snapped, pulling the face towel from his hand. “If you want to be an asshole because you don’t have balls to read a few words that may or may not break your fucking little heart, be it.” I shrug. “Just don’t try to attack me because I have nothing to do with the shit between you two”.

And even though I wait, he doesn’t give me an answer.

Jinyoung just looks at me in surprise and turns away.

I grasp angry, taking my things.

 “Yugyeom?” mrs. Hae surprises me. “Yugyeom, can I ask you something?” I nod, put my angry face aside for her. “Don’t be so hard with Jinyoung… he doesn’t deserve this” she says closer to me. “At least not when it comes to mr. Kim. Jinyoung doesn’t need hard words about him”.

Kim. Kim Seokjin.

So this was his full name? The person how Jinyoung was completely in love? Kim Seokjin. It was a beautiful name.

“I am asking you this because I know that Jinyoung cares about you, and he doesn’t want to push you away.” she says but I try to replay faster. The woman raises her hand to stop me. “Don’t say this isn’t true cause I know Jinyoung my entire life, he cares about you. A lot.” mrs. Hae sigh, making me press my lips together. “I am not saying you need to care about him too, I'm just saying what I see. I am asking you to think a little before saying something hard to him. I know that sometimes Jinyoung’s is an asshole but using his heart against him is wrong Yugyeom and you know that”.

Of course I know that.

“Yeah, I know this but-”

“No buts. You have been a good company to Jinyoung these days, you have helped him with his mother and you’re always around. Don’t ruin it just for being an angry boy and for knowing that you can hit him”.

I blinked, not knowing how to answer her.

Was I really taking a sermon from Jinyoung's housekeeper?

“Mrs. Hae..." I say between a short sigh. “Thanks for the compliment, even if you do it with an ear pulling but you have to agree that Jinyoung doesn’t cooperate with me! I'm trying to-”

“You are a liar boy”.

“ _Ahjumma_!”

“I'm just telling the truth.” said the old woman with a smile on the corner of her lips. “Even though it's difficult and you like to annoy him, you two need each other. Unfortunately, Jinyoung has no siblings, was raised far from home to occupy the position that his mother found suitable for an heir so he wasn’t free to live with the family or create bonds before completing legal age. Being able to be with you in this apartment, even if you always piss him off, is something he has been fighting for constantly.” I was not sure why mrs. Hae was giving me a lesson about Jinyoung and friendship, maybe she was worried about him because of the letter but I knew that she had good intentions. “Besides mr. Kim, the only ones who managed to made Jinyoung live his life were Jackson and Mark of course”.

“Are you trying to say that I am on this list too?”

“Yes. And mr. Bambam.” she finished docilely. “He has other friends, yet none of them are as important as you have been. That's why I'm begging you to have a little compassion and don’t use mr. Seokjin against Jinyoung just to hurt him”.

Suddenly I began to feel like a complete idiot for having used Park Jinyoung’s broken heart to hit him because mrs. Hae looked really worried as she told me all that.

_Shit._

“I am sorry ahjumma. I promise I'll try to fix my mistake the next time I see him.” I say, bowing my body in a discreet apology. Mrs. Hae smiles with her eyes when I look at her again. “Can you tell him that I'll be back later?”

“Absolutely”.

“Okay. Need to go now”.

Mrs. Hae accompanies me to the door thanking me again for my understanding. She even opened the door for me, causing me to face Min Yoongi and his light blue hair.

_Shit. Not again._

“Fuck dude. What's going on between you two?”

**[BEGINNING OF THE MONTH; KARAOKE]**

“What the fuck is going on here?”

“Yoongi hyung-”

“Oh my God. Are you two having sex?”

Jinyoung and I said at the same time.

“No fucking way!”

“Are you sure?” Yoongi asks, pointing to the way Jinyoung was holding onto me. “Because it's not what it looks like”.

“He's just helping me.” I say hastily, pulling Jinyoung's hands away and lowering my shirt. “There's nothing sexual here”.

I only realized that it had put me in an uncomfortable position when I noticed Jinyoung’s reflection right behind me, and Yoongi still stared at us both. I turn around again.

“What do you want Yoongi hyung?”

“Using the toilet?” he answers obvious. I nodded, closing the water tap and running my hands in my pants to get out. “Really. Are not you going to tell me what's going on? You know I’ll not tell Bambam”.

“Nothing is going on.” I say between my teeth. “You should know it's impossible. Not just because he had dated my best friend but also because I do not like men. And even if I liked and there was no Bambam, Jinyoung would never be an option in my life”.

“Damn!” the black-haired boy giggle. “Did you need to offend me?”

I move my shoulders:

“It's just the truth”.

Jinyoung rolls his eyes, saying:

“What Yugyeom is trying to say is that we're just friends Yoongi hyung. There is nothing romantic or sexual going on…” it’s so natural for him to talk like that. “I was helping him with his bruise”.

Min Yoongi's curious eyes searched my face, and then returned to Jinyoung and back to me. I lifted my t-shirt showing the purple on my skin, leading to the conclusion that nothing was happening.

“Shit.” he complained annoyed. “I just lost 50 bucks”.

“Huh?” I look at him. “What did you say?”

“Jaebeom and I bet you two were having sex”.

“What the hell?” It is Jinyoung's turn to ask. “Me and him? Fucking no! Why did you guys think shit like this?”

“Why not?” Yoong asks back. “I mean, it’s not news that this group has members who always fuck each other. And you too are really close lately and it's weird”.

“Oh yeah, it makes sense to judge us just because some of our friends make out.”  I said, referring to Jaebeom himself. “Fuck you two”.

“Chill dude, it's just how life is. But it wouldn’t be really strange if it were true…” Yoongi said with a shrug. “If Jackson assumes that he wants to kiss Mark, it isn’t strange you two make out too”.

And that's where I saw a chance to end it all.

I look with wild eyes to Yoongi:

“What? Jackson says he wants to kiss Mark?”

“Yeah…” Yoongi nodded, taking a sip of his drink. He licked his lips and let out a smile. “And you? Want to kiss Jinyoung?”

**[CURRENT DAYS; JINYOUNG APARTMENT]**

_“Fuck dude. What's going on between you two?”_

“Yoongi hyung...” his lips twitched into a smile as he knew what I was about to say. “Haven’t we been through this before?”

“Sorry.” Yoongi laughed as he passed the door. “I just haven’t gotten used to the idea that you two are friends. Have you told Bambam yet?”

“What's the first thing that he would think if I told him about this?”

Yoongi frowned, thinking for a minute.

“He would freak out.” the blue-haired one nodded, tossing his backpack into the corner of the corridor, knowing that mrs. Hae would probably scold him for it. “Are you leaving? Cannot you stay a little longer?”

“I'd love to…” it was a lie. “But I have an appointment.” that was true. I need to see someone. “I'll see you on Saturday night? At 8:00 PM?”

“I'll be the drunkest of the party!”

\- ❖ -

“Yugyeom!”

“Ya, don’t say my name so loud”.

“Sorry, it’s the habit.” Kyungsoo replied rolling his brown eyes at me. I sit down, in front of him. “So what do you wanna eat?”

“The usual”.

He waved to the woman and made our requests.

Jinyoung and I had a deal of not getting more people involved in dangerous situations. However, the private detective he had hired was not the best and I still had Kyungsoo's contact, so…

“Look Gyeom” Kyungsoo said as soon the waiter leaves. “What your detective told you is correct, that PC Cafe was sold through ghost sellers to a company that passed on that purchase to someone whose name isn’t on the papers.” I sigh rubbing my eyes. I was tired of always finding obstacles. “The name of the second owner is also unknown, whenever I find some document I am surprised by files censored by a judge who died a few years.” this is flustered. I had used the only cents I had to pay for it and I still get nothing. “I know what you're thinking, that even I couldn’t find the buyer's name, but listen to me…?”

“Yeah. Go ahead”.

“I believe the person who made the first purchase pretended to move the establishment forward, with the justification that it wasn’t a strategic point for sales, when the property never changed owner”.

“Why do you think that?”

“The judge who censored the cases?” he remembers putting some papers in front of me. “It's the same. I do not know why but he accepted upbraid an insignificant sale. Twice”.

“Makes sense. I think…” I whisper, reading his report. “But we still have no final answer, we don’t have a name. What good is it to know that the judge, who is already dead, upbraid both sales?”

“It's more complicated than it sounds but I am still after it and I think I can find something. I just need to find a copy. Every sale has a protection copy even though the original file has been upbraid, it's a business security measure”.

“Then find this damn copy hyung!”

“It's not as simple as it seems!” Kyungsoo replied. “Even I have limitations and I am being blocked by one of them”.

I squeeze my temples.

Park Jinyoung had make me noticed something I saw only in the PC café before fainted. In that place, I saw three frames. One with the address of the first attack. The second with Yongsan School’s name and the news about the attack. The third with Duteopbawi-ro’s address and a page with bold letters stuck to him, with the expected date for a few months.

“Please, you must find something. I cannot say more than I already told you but something bad will happen if you don’t discover something”.

“More people are going to die?”

“What?”

“It wasn’t hard to tell Yugyeom.” he whispered my name. “This whole thing has to do with the shootings, doesn’t it?” I sighed. It was really hard to lie to him. I nod. “I am trying my best. I know why you don’t want to go to the cops, it makes sense to me, so believe when I say I'm trying hard to help you with this shit”.

I knew it wasn’t just for me or the tragedies that were happening that Do Kyungsoo wanted to help. He wanted to join a pacifist organization hacker — I had to do a lot of research to understand it — and the criteria to be accepted were difficult.

He needed me just the way I needed him.

“So you have until 19th to find out his name hyung” I say, looking at him. “Or a lot of people are going to die”.

— ❖ —

As much as I wanted to get lost in Kyungsoo's report, I needed to smile and go to Jaebeom’s house, who had decided to have a party that night — his parents were in Goyang.

Luckily, it was something intimate, just friends having fun and drinking more than they should because they didn’t have to worry about getting a cab or drunk driving — which was particularly nice because I didn’t want to be surrounded by strangers.

We were enjoying ourselves so much that for a moment I completely forgot all the horror our country was living and how I seemed to always be the next person to die if I faltered.

At some point in the night, Bambam decided to turn on the TV and do a dance competition. He won everyone without the slightest effort, however Yoongi proved a strong opponent by being able to accompany him in almost all-girl group choreographies.

“Oh it’s during these hours that I miss Dahyunie.” Bambam complained, winning another round. “If she had been here, we would have had a revolution of choreography and everyone would be screaming”.

“Who is this _Dahyung_ you talk so much about? She looks so cool I already want to call her a best friend”.

“DAHYUN!” Bambam corrects him with a shout. “She's in United States with her aunt. She will not come back and all I have left is Yugyeom.” he said with a sad smile. “I really hate her at some moments for it”.

“Thank you hyung. I love you too”.

“Both f-Ya!” Bambam cut himself off. “Can you stop making out in front of us?” he shouted, pointing at Jackson and Mark, who hadn’t even realized they were close to kiss. They always say that nothing is happen between them. “It's so unfair! Why didn’t my boyfriend show up? _Aish_!”

“I love when Bambam drinks…” Yoongi laughed drunkenly, sitting on Hoseok's leg. “He talks about everything. Tell more Bammie”.

“Youngjae likes Jaebeom!”

I narrowed my eyes as I saw Youngjae choke on his own drink.

“See? He just confirmed my suspicions.” my best friend said with a giggle, making the rest of us laugh too. Youngjae looked like a red tomato because of it. “So Youngjae hyung, why you two do not-Ouch!”

“If you say anything else, I swear I'll rip your tongue out”.

“Why?” Bambam sang slyly, throwing himself onto Youngjae who shoved him. “Goodman hyung, it hurt. Kiss here to heal”.

“I am going to punch your face if you don’t shut up!” Youngjae whispered uneasily, helping Bambam out of the ground. He looked at Hoseok for a brief moment. “Help me get him out”.

“Why me?”

“Because you encouraged him…?”

“Oh. Fuck”.

That way I watch one by one get up. I could hear someone throwing themselves into the pool and Yoongi shouting about not knowing how to do cardiopulmonary breathing in case someone drowned. I also heard Mark call Jackson outside and Bambam yelled my name.

Not that I was antisocial but I wasn’t drunk enough to throw myself into the cold water at that hour of the night. Then I just pretends to be passed out because of alcohol and closed my eyes when I heard footsteps. Jaebeom did his part in informing them that I was asleep.

“Whoa…” I heard him sigh. “You look sexy with red cheeks Kim Yugyeom. How can alcohol suit so well on you?”

I open my eyes, finding Park Jinyoung standing in the doorway.

“Don’t. Continue like that.” he says referring to the sloppy way I was leaning against the couch. “I'm going to take a picture, to distract me when my contacts are busy again…”

“Park Jinyoung!” I shout, making him laugh. “You son of a bitch”.

I didn’t like the way we had evolved into a friendship. I hadn’t made it clear to Bambam that his ex-boyfriend, and still his heart-owner, and I could live in harmony, I couldn’t accept when Yoongi made inner jokes about our approach, but we were — unfortunately — friends.

And as incredible as it may sound, Park Jinyoung was a good friend. He knew that we had get close because of what had happened but at some times, it was grateful to have him around when I needed to talk. Apart from the sexual jokes and his attempts to annoy me, he was cool.

“Pretty fucker boy…” he said turning his phone to show me the photo he had taken. I roll my eyes. Jinyoung laughs and throws himself beside me, turning off the screen. “Why didn’t you return as you said?”

“Eh…” was with Kyungsoo. “I had a last-minute appointment. And you seemed to need time.” I said. “You knew that mrs. Hae gave me a tug because of you? She gave me a lesson”.

“Don’t think you were the only one to hear it.” Jinyoung sighs as he takes the glass from the table. “Who drank here? Yoongi?” I shrug. Jinyoung had a cleaning habit, I don’t think I've ever seen him share a glass with anyone ever. “Whatever… I'll get frog anyways”.

“Wow. How radical!”

“I need to be radical if I really want to tell you this…” _what?_ He bottom out the liquor and shakes his head. “She made me promise to tell you about Seokjin. It's not an easy topic to talk about”.

“Oh.” I wrinkled my eyebrows. “Why?”

“Something about you cannot attain me anymore if you knew everything about this shit.” I nodded. That woman was smart. “So what do you want to know?”

“Did you meet Seokjin in boarding school?”

Park Jinyoung's visibly dilated pupils stare at me:

“Yes”.

He was silent for too long.

“Jinyoung...?”

“Yes. I met him at the boarding school.” I caught Jinyoung’s eyes out of the corners of my own. “He was twelve. I think he was the funniest and cool kid in that whole place. Oh… and he really understood me”.

“It must have been difficult for both of you”.

“What?”

“Be in that place,” I say. “It must have been hard to stay away from home you know?”

“Ah, _ne_.” he smile aside. “But I have him.” Jinyoung smirked at me before affixing his gaze back on the phone. “Here. This is him,” he say, show me some Seokjin’s photos. He is pretty. “His parents were more inflexible than mine at the time and all they wanted was for Seokjin hyung to take over Lan Enterprise”.

“Wait…” I raised my hand in surprise. “He’s a Kim from the Kim’s Lan family? Like the electronics companies? That Kim Seokjin?”

Jinyoung nod.

“So basically all my stuff is from your fucking ex-family?”

“He’s not my ex… but yeah.” _Whoa_. Everyone around me is rich. Even Bambam’s family have some restaurants in Thailand. “After a few years we ended up getting too close. It wasn’t like my mother didn’t notice something different when I came home with a friend”.

“Did she get you two?”

“We've never been together like this,” _yeah, I knew it_. Mark had made it clear that Jinyoung never had balls to admit about his feeling to Seokjin back then. “but she began to show resistance about everything. Our families had the same social power and yet she said that he wasn’t fit to be my friend”.

“She knew he was gay”.

“Yeah. I think everyone knew. Seokjin was never afraid to say who he was, unlike me…” Jinyoung smirk with a sigh. “But it was at this time that we began to fight, mom and me. She always told me what to do but I started to get more resistant to her impositions, didn’t want to do all that boring crap of 'heir' thing”.

“So she beat you up and forced you back to your expensive college?”

“She found me a fiancé.” I wide my eyes. Mrs. Choo was crazy. “It was ridiculous. I was only fifteen and my mother wanted to get married as if we were in a movie. Everyone thought she was crazy but of course it was all a way to make Seokjin understand that we would never be together”.

“And he believed it?”

“Couldn’t you believe it? My mother is known to be exaggerated and extravagant. It wouldn’t be strange if she promised me to someone like that.” he explains with a shrug. “Then imagine how it was for my mother to deal with her sixteen-year-old son banging his public announcement that he liked boys and not girls. She hit the shit on me”.

It didn’t surprise me.

That attitude seemed like something she could do.

“That's when I realized we could never respect each other. I was only sixteen…” Jinyoung grinned, staring at the phone in his hand. I used to find him snobbish and privileged. “And how cares? My parents were never so present in my life and at the time mrs. Hae had 30% of my guard because she always traveled with me or took me to hospital when I was sick. Dad gives her my guard… ah, I am making sense?”

“Ah… no. Mrs. Hae was like your guardian because your parents didn’t give you attention?”

“Something like that.” he nod. “This gives me one last chance to run away from my crazy mother. It wasn’t easy but my uncle helped me enter a guarding process. Mrs. Hae became my legal guardian.” Jinyoung quipped the last word. I couldn’t believe he had even asked for a measure to cut ties with his family. “For some reason, my parents didn’t take my inheritance, but they made me sign a contract that wouldn’t allow me to move my money until I was an adult”.

“Is that why you started working with your uncle?”

“Yes. He helped me pay the bills because mrs. Hae didn’t earn enough to take care of me, so it was really difficult to live at that time without money. Uncle also paid for the rest of my studies”.

“Okay. And why didn’t you stay with Seokjin? If your mother was no longer a problem, why did not you go after him?”

“Yugyeom, I was only sixteen and there was nothing I could do without asking for my uncle's.” Jinyoung said seriously. “What I could do was wait till the holidays were over to see him but Seokjin didn’t go back to school that year. There was no way to be with him”.

So Seokjin had run away too?

“Mark made it clear that you didn’t want him…”

“I think it was a middle ground. At the time, we were too young, our parents were the ones who controlled us. He didn’t have an mrs. Hae to help him.” his tone fell a little. “I met him a few years later”.

“For real? And…?”

“And what?” Jinyoung asks back. “He just approaches me at the door saying that he had finally gotten rid of his parents and that he was leaving the country because... because…”

“Because he was getting married soon”.

“Yeah. He was getting married”.

“I understand it but what about that letter?” I ask incredulously. I didn’t believe Seokjin had been so stupid to give up the love of his life. Both were unbelievably unlucky and idiots. “He sent you a le-”

“That letter means nothing to me, Yugyeom. He's married”.

“Did you know there's something called a divorce to exist?” I take the glass from his hand. I could not understand why people used to give up so easily. “You open it? You stop to think that maybe he wrote, I don’t know, something like ‘Park Jinyoung, I want you back’ in that shit?”

“You should stop seeing those stupid dramas with your mother”.

“Dude!” I shout angrily. “You guys are like The legend of Chusen* protagonists. They suffer too much to not have a fucking happy ending”.

Park Jinyoung stared at me for a moment, a smile seemed to grow in the corner of his mouth, but all he could say was:

“Why don’t you start seeing porn?”

“What?”

“Porn. Pornography _kiddo_. I bet our conversations would be more interesting, especially if you watch some gay porn where-”

“Shut up you fucker!” I complained, kicking his leg. “Stop trying to change the subject.” I knew that Bambam loved him, but it was clear that Jinyoung was still in love with Kim Seokjin. As his new best friend, I should try to open his eyes. In an impulse, I try to get up to explain with all my possible facial and body expressions why he needed to read Seokjin’s fucking letter but I was a little bit drunk and Jinyoung knew that he pulled me into his lap. “Hyung, stop it!”

“Fuck. You look sexy calling me that.” he looks at my lip. This makes me disgusted by his ashamed face. It was impossible to feel sorry for Park Jinyoung for more than two minutes. “Yugyeomie, it's kind of impossible to think of anything else with you calling me hyung that way”.

“Look here Park Jing-”

“And that fucking 'Jinyoung-ah’ hyung of you.” he cuts me off, squeezing my cheeks. “Why your cheeks are red?"

“Get off of me.” I snorting his hands away. “That's was just my drunk face, don’t fuck you da-” he squeezes my cheeks. “Ouch! Don’t do that”.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t like it and you-”

“Look straight into my eyes when you talk to me”.

“What?”

“It's rude not to look at people when you're talking to them Yugyeomie. Especially when you're younger than that person.” Park Jinyoung said earnestly, lowering his hand to my chin. “Look at me”.

I look into his eyes, like a puppy following his master command.

Things were always confusing between us now. Jinyoung used to make fun of me the whole time we were together, maybe because he knew too much about my life, maybe because he couldn’t be a normal person.

But since we had started to be ‘friends’ he tried to play with me.

So, I thought he deserved to receive the same coin.

“Why? Do you like when I look into your eyes?” I ask, make him sallow. His brown eyes stare at me in surprise. Maybe because I used my lower voice, maybe because of the way I put my hands on his thighs. “Jinyoung hyung...” I call to make a pout. “Remember what you say? Do you think I am really handsome?”

“What...?”

“Do you think I am handsome?” I ask again, spreading his legs as I kneel between them. His pupils really look bigger now. I grinned from ear to ear. “Huh? Do you think I am handsome enough to make you forget Seokjin completely?”

“Kim Yugyeom…”

“What?” I whisper. “I am just asking you a question hyung. You always say you want to fuck me up, don’t you think it's time to put an end to this tension? You don’t want to be with Bambam or Seokjin and I understand this... you want new meat, right?”

“No.” Jinyoung coughed at my approach. “I don’t”.

“Ah Jinyoung-ah…” I purred, moving my hands over his thighs, toward his crotch. He was right. That was fun. “What do you want? Want me to cry and beg for you? Please, hyung...” I moan. “Let’s enjoy that everyone is out and put an end in it. You just have to say yes”.

The way Park Jinyoung opens his lips and reacts to everything is so surreal that I cannot hold it for long. The laughter explodes from my throat just as his hands gripping the nape of the neck and his mouth smacks slumped against my nose.

My body moves away automatically.

“Ah... you...” I run my hand over my nose, where his mouth had touched my fucking face. WHAT. THE. FUCK. “What is your problem?”

I parted my lips without knowing what to think, stunned.

However, perhaps from alcohol, perhaps because of what I had provoked myself, Jinyoung kneels in front of me and pulls me again, this time hitting my mouth in a confusing act.

I punch his stomach, listening to him moan in pain and bow.

“You motherfucker!” I yell, pushing him away, getting up quickly and wiping away any trace of drool. “You-Argh! I don’t believe… what's on your mind Park Jinyoung? Are you an idiot or something like that you fucker?”

“Yugyeomie-”

“Fuck you! I don’t want to know. You have problems, man.” I shouted before heard Hoseok ask from the door if everything was all right. I look at him quickly, wondering if he has seen something and turn around to pick up my jacket as I hear Jinyoung cough and apologize. “I am leaving Hoseok hyung. Can you say it to Bambam? That I am leaving”.

“Why?”

“Yugyeom wait!” Jinyoung yelled hoarsely, grabbing me by my ankle. I look at him. “I am so sorry. You were saying those things and... ah, I don’t know what got into me. Sorry. Please, sorry!”

“It was a joke. You do the same all the time!” I yell again, make it clear that this shit isn’t right. “How stupid of you to believe... you know what? Fuck you. I don’t care. Stupid of me to think we can be friends or some shit like that.” Hoseok asked again what was going on and I had to yell at him to see him leave me alone with Jinyoung. “I'll give you one last warning... if you get close to me again I'll forget all you've done and I'll split your head in half Jinyoung”.

He put his hands to his head, confused.

“Yugyeom-”

“We end up here Jinyoung-ssi.” I say firmly, taking the key out of my pocket. “Stay out of my life. Don’t fuck look at me again”.

 

 


	18. S I X T E E N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yugyeom?” Do Kyungsoo's voice woke the boy. "You saw the news?" no, he was still in bed. “They attacked a school in Daegu. Fifteen people were killed, Yugyeom”.
> 
> Yugyeom sat down frightening, scares his best friend who was having a nightmare, wondering what was going on — Bambam still hadn’t told his friend about what had happened to him the night before when he was kidnapped and forced to call Yugyeom while he provided a lunatic something like satisfaction.
> 
> “No…”
> 
> “I need to tell you something but it cannot be at phone.” the boy said hastily. “And we can’t do it in the restaurant, I think someone thinks about that place know... Let's meet somewhere with people, there's something I need to tell you.” Yugyeom could imagine him running his hands over his shaved, frustrated head. “I’ll tell you some address… and turn on the TV, they are talking about it now”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see, things will finally start to get more and more serious from now on, and I hope you like the new core. Nothing will change about the characters or anything like that, it's just a new and necessary core for au continuity. I hope you like it!

  
  
  
  
  
I spent a lot of time inside my mind and  
ended up losing my mind — Edgar Allan Poe.

I feel the bed moving beside me when Jooheon returns from the bathroom.

He pulls me closer and I make a mental note to spread to the four winds that my 'boyfriend' was a prince even after sex. I smile.

“Hyung, don’t squeeze me so hard. I must be stinking.” I let a sly purr escape from my mouth, laying my body on his arm. Jooheon only grips me even more. “Are you saying you don’t mind?”

“Exactly that”.

I smile.

“Cute.” I whisper, smoothing his hand. “But we have to take a shower right now. I want to watch the movie with my mother, so get up!”

“No, no. Let’s stay here a little longer.” he complains, sinking his face into my back. “Oh, you know what I was thinking?”

“That we should take a shower together?”

“No, you idiot. That you should accept my date question”.

“Why? Because that way you can call what we do 'love' and not sex?”

“Exactly.” he laughs. “And because I really like you and what we have…” the blonde-haired explains making me turn in the bed. His brown eyes look like two hazelnuts. “What do you say?”

“Hyung!”

“No. Don’t make that 'hyung' move on me _Kunpimook_.” his wrong pronunciation piss me off some times but I still find it sweet. “Dating me so we can make love and not sex”.

I roll my eyes, knowing he was teasing me.

“What an unbearable boy I've managed to get to be my boyfriend”.

Lee Jooheon screams standing on the bed, making a mess of making me get up and jump with him because of our 'dating'.

"For real?”

“Yeah. Yeah.” I giggle. “But now let’s shower,” I say exhausted, jumping out of bed and pulling him with me. In the shower, Jooheon rubs my back for a moment before leaning over and kissing the back of my neck, rubbing his hip against my arms. “Jesus Christ, we just had sex hyung! You are not tired?”

“From you? Never.” he whispers, placing another kiss on the back of my neck. His thumb scrapes the scar on my thigh. “I've always wanted to know how you got it, I wonder if it was a fight”.

“I would definitely have come out with more than a scar on my thigh if it had been one fight.” I laughed, referring to the obvious fact that I couldn’t hit anyone. “I hurt myself by playing chicken fight, I hit my leg on a pointed surface but I liked the version where I win it in a fucking fight, so keep that in mind”.

Jooheon laugh.

“My silly babe”.

— ❖ —

An hour later, my sister appeared in the room saying that Jaebeom was on the line wanting to talk to me. I didn’t understand why he had called me at home instead of calling my phone.

“Hyung? Why didn’t you call in my phone?”

“ _I lost the number. Again_ ,” he answered with a long, drawn sigh. I giggle. “ _Mom has your home number, so… are you busy? Can you go out with me?_ ”

“Wow. Lim Jaebeom is calling me out?”

“ _Feel privileged_ ”.

“Okay. When? Can you ask Yugyeom to get c-”

“ _Oh no. I thought it could be nice to be our day._ ” Jaebeom say cut me off quickly, inflating my echo. “ _As I said, feel privileged_ ”.

Jaebeom and I did not use to have many moments together, at least not without Yugyeom around and I was homesick for my oldest and wise friend. I really wanted to see him.

“ _Meet you at 1 o'clock?_ ”

“Affirmative and operant sir. I am going to be the pink 'Percy Jackson lives in my heart’ t-shirt guy around everyone”.

— ❖ —

It was fun to go out with Jaebeom.

He took me to the movies, made me laugh, bought the biggest nonsense in the world to remind me and even walked the mini worm roller coaster after much insistence just to see me happy.

Maybe that's why I always confided my secrets to Jaebeom because he was that brilliant person who was always willing to do his best for the one he loved. He was always by our side. Always.

“How's it going with Jooheon?” he asked as we stepped away from the ice cream store. I sigh bored. “Jesus. Is he a bad boyfriend? Why did you make that-oh, Jinyoung?”

“Here we go again!” I complained. “Why does everyone talk about Jinyoung when I don’t want to talk about my ‘boyfriend’ huh? It makes it seem like I am not over my ex and I am one of those obsessed people”.

“And you aren’t?”

“Hyung…!”

“What? I am just telling the truth.” Jaebeom says with a burst of ugly laughter. I took back everything I had said about that fucking guy, he was a pain in the ass. “Sorry Bam but it's the truth. From what I understand, Jinyoung is basically the Hani of your Heechul”.

“Oh. Low blow on the Hani move. If he knows that…”

“He'll have to deal with it. In the same way you have to admit to yourself that Jinyoung is your Achilles heel.” he complete. “Jooheon is a great person, he's my friend and I know what I am talking about, so if you cannot take that ugly face when you're asked about him... it's best to end it up”.

“I don’t want to break up with him”.

“So forget Park Jinyoung!”

Jaebeom was always the first.

The one heard me cry for the first time because of my father's death when I was old enough to understand the lack of someone in our lives when they leave. Also, the one who heard me complain about my mother wanting to go back to Thailand, who helped me make her realize the benefits of continuing in Korea.

Jaebeom was the first one to kiss my mouth.

“I am trying…” I whisper staring at my ice cream. “But it's difficult, do you understand? He's always so kind to me. I know it was me who said that I didn’t want anything serious and that I acted like a complete idiot but damn he didn’t even realize that I was just scared?”

“About?”

“Ah… er… I don’t know! Of falling in love even more?” I finally say aloud, looking at him. Fear of hurting myself again. “It’s scared me”.

“And where did that fear lead you?” Jaebeom questions seriously, leaving his glass aside. “You're in love with someone who doesn’t love you back because you decided you didn’t want to live a romance Bam”.

“Jesus. You talk like Yugyeom! I grasp really surprised by his hard words. “You should come together to judge me. You guys are good at it”.

“I am sorry”.

“It's all right…” I spoke with a sigh. “At the time I was trying to protect myself, okay? I know it was stupid and that took me to what we have today but in my defense, it was too good to be real”.

“Really? Just-”

“Don’t judge me!” I frowned at him. Jaebeom nodded, his lips tightening. “I am trying to move on. I swear I am and Jooheon is wonderful, but it's still hard because it was my choice not to be with him. That makes it all worse”.

For a brief moment, I could see Jaebeom sketching on his face something like memory as if he were thinking of something bad.

“I see what you're talking about. I know how hard it is to choose not to love someone.” he tells me softly. Once Yugyeom had said that Jaebeom had something in his eyes whenever he spoke about love as if there were someone in his heart. I could see that in his eyes, but it seemed that the love he felt hurt him. “But I know how bad it is to live this way. You're not just being unfair to yourself, you're being unfair to Jooheon too”.

“Ah… yeah, I know.” I whimpering, chewing my cheeks. “I know Jooheon doesn’t deserve this but it's so hard to me too hyung because Jinyoung still treats me so well and seems to like me so much… I just can’t avoid this cause I'm still in love with that asshole!” I felt miserable.

“Bambam” Jaebeom sigh, I could feel he losing his patience. “I don’t know what to say to you about this. Jooheon is my friend and I am worried about his feelings ‘cause we know that you’ll end up hurt him”.

“Fuck. I’m the worst right?”

“I little.” Jaebeom smirk, make me roll my eyes. “Can you try a little bit? I know Jinyoung still be good to you but can you try to be with Joon?”

“I’m trying, hyung…” I said looking away because I really didn’t want to have to pretend that I am doing enough to move on from Jinyoung, we knew it wasn’t the truth.

“It’s okay. It isn’t what makes me worry but the fact that you all can end up ruining each other's lives just because of a crush”.

I was a fool.

I liked someone who didn’t like me anymore and still hoped that everything would be solved and that we would magically be together again. Jaebeom was right.

I was a fool and a coward for not being able to admit to him that I still loved him. I am an idiot to not tell the truth to Jooheon. He deserves better than me and I am a fucking idiot to not give this to him.

“I’ll talk to Joon hyung…”

“For real?”

I nod.

“Good.” Jaebeom smile, squeeze my hand. “This is good”.

“ _Ne_.” I nod bite my cheeks. “I think it’s time to close this off”.

— ❖ —

I said goodbye to Jaebeom sometime later.

I got in the cab thanking the sky for finally being able to sit down.

“Good evening. Itaewon, please.” I say, stuffing the bags into the back seat with me. “I'll tell you where to drop me when we get there”.

Mom thought I had gone to English class so I just couldn’t get home with seven bags without wanting to die because of this.

So I intended to leave everything at Yugyeom's house and picking me up later, so she wouldn’t notice my new clothes.

I was distracted on my phone but not enough to not realize that the driver had just gotten the wrong route, in the opposite direction to Itaewon. Politely, I ask him why he got that road, saying again that I wanted to go to Itaewon, but he ignored the return plate and kept going.

“ _Ahjusshi?_ ” he doesn’t answer me, and this made me gritted my teeth. The drive kept ignore me. “Sir, I said Itaewon-dong in Yongsan, not Seoul.” I said politely, but I receiving only his silence. “What the fuck…?”

I swallowed, licking my lips.

“I am sorry, but are you listen to me?” I ask again, angry this time because he is totally ignoring me. “Please, can you stop the car? I'll stay at the next stop…” say opening my wallet to pay him. “I’ll pay-”

“Why you don’t sit there and be quiet?” I finally looked up at him, realizing that the driver was wearing gloves, a hood, and a damn ski mask. I opened my mouth not knowing what to say or feel about it, still holding my wallet. “You don’t want to get hurt if we have an accident, do you Bambam-ssi?”

I wide my eyes.

_Does he know my name?_

“Let me out!” I shout at the door, desperately pulling the lock. I had watched enough horror movies to know when someone was being kidnapped. “Please let me out. Let me out of here, let me out...!”

But the lock doesn’t quench and the driver doesn’t slow down as he drives past the cars, throwing me back and forth in the back seat. I turn forward, clasping my hands and rubbing them together:

“Please, let me out…” I almost sob, rubbing my hands more tightly, lowering my head in a desperate apology. I didn’t know what I'd done wrong but maybe if I felt regret he'd let me out of the car. “Please, I’ll give you money. You can keep my wallet, have my credit cards. I can give you the password!” I say, feeling my eyes burn with tears. My mother always told me that after Hansol, I would never have to go through bad things again. “Please, just let me out. I cannot see your fa-”

“Why are you so nervous?” his voice was a mixture of hoarseness and amusement. I opened my mouth. “There's no need to worry, nothing's going to happen to you. We're just taking a ride.” the man says with a slight laugh. I raise my head. “You just need to be a good boy and it will all be over soon…” he could be smiling. I had no idea because his face was covered, but he sounds happy. “Can you be a good boy?”

“Ah-I-Yeah. Yes, yes…! I can. I can be a good boy, I sure-”

“Great.” the driver whistles as he steps on the accelerator. Maybe it is a prank because we're graduating and going to UNI. The boys always made pranks in Yugyeom. I stare at my legs, listening to the music he whistles. _A little prank_. “Get your phone and call the number you're going to find behind my seat”.

“What?”

“The number behind the seat”.

“Ah-Yeah, okay.” I say in a hurry, picking up my phone. “And now?”

“Call the number silly.” I nod, swallowing my saliva, put the number and pass the device on to him but the person shook his head, saying that I need to put the phone in my ear. I do it without complaining. _A prank. This is a prank Bam, just do everything and he’ll let you go soon and you’ll kill all your friends_. I thought. “Don’t say anything alarming, you understand me? Put it in the speaker, I want to hear you talk to him”.

Listen to wh-

“ _Ya, hyung!”_ **Yugyeom**. I fixed my eyes on the car mirror, having a brief glimpse of his eyes behind the mask. Oh God. “ _Hyung, why didn’t you come to the English class today? Want to repeat last year?”_

Yugyeom _._

That was Kim Yugyeom’s voice.

The driver signaled for me to speak and for a brief moment, I felt my heart tighten. Why this person have Yugyeom’s number? How he could know my name and why this person wants to hear my friend?

“Oh, hi to you too.” I held my tears as the car dangerous skids on the traffic. “Sorry for today, I was with Jaebeom hyung. Ah-ah-ah...”

“ _Huh?”_ Yugyeom babble. “ _Are you okay hyung? You sound sad_ ”.

The man steps on the brakes for a second and then moves the car again as a warning for my 'bad' behavior.

“Oh, yeah. I’m fine.” I try to sound a little happier, but my heart was pouting in my chest. “I am just tired you know? Jaebeom makes me walk so much today. I need to sleep for three days now”.

“ _Are you sure? You seem strange to me, your voice… he says something rude to you?”_ Yugyeom was the person who knew me the most in that fucking world. “ _Are you crying? Tell what Jaebeom did to you_ ”.

“He doesn’t do anything silly. I am fine. Don’t talk shit please”.

“ _Don’t believe in you!”_ he yells with a laugh. “ _I know Jaebeom, he always faze with you and you always get mad about the things he says to you, so… tell me the truth_.” I look to the mirror. I want to. I want to say that something strange happened to me that exact moment I want to think that was a prank. “ _Bambam?_ ”

If I survived that situation, I would remember to hug him as thank for always being by my side and protecting me for everything.

“God. I said to you, I am really fine. He didn’t say anything. I wasn’t crying, you’re seeing things!” I say looking forward to the mirror again. The driver keeps an eye on me. “I just wanted to know how you are”.

“ _Yeah dude. We don’t talk in… ah almost a week now? Fuck! Sorry for don’t call, I needed to solve some problems, so that why I was gone for a few days.”_  Kim Yugyeom and his problems. I wanted to stay alive long enough to help him solve them. “ _Let's go out on Saturday_ ”.

“Saturday is Jimin's party.” I remember him. Silence. The driver looks at me again, his shoulders intend. “Are you coming with us right?”

“ _I don’t know yet_.” I can imagine him inflating his cheeks or biting his nail on his hand. For some reason, Yugyeom hated Park Jimin. “ _But we can see each other… on Sunday. What do you think?_ ”

“Doesn’t your dad have a big dinner Sunday?”

“ _Shit. It is true_ ”.

“I knew you'd forgotten...” I whispered without taking my eyes off the mirror. Why did he want to hear Yugyeom's voice? Who was under the mask? Was it really a prank? “I can go to sleep at your house when you guys get back. What do you think? We can play video games”.

“ _Sounds like a plan_ ”.

“Great!” A hurried inquest. “Yug-”

“ _Are you sure you’re okay hyung?”_

I bite my cheeks, wanting to scream about what was happening right now. The car rattles in a dangerous overtaking, forcing me to look for a plausible lie:

“I fought Jooheon. But it's no big deal”.

“ _Are you sure?”_ Yugyeom sounds sad on the other side of the call as if he were telling me he was there to suffer with me if I needed to. He was too good for me. I say ‘yeah, I’m sure’ and he sight. “ _Okay. Uhm… I'll leave you alone now. I have to go because I am going to give Sanha a ride and he cannot be late, you know how his parents are. But if you want me to hit Jooheon, let me know. He cannot hurt you_ ”.

“Okay idiot.” I whisper, lowering my head, wanting to hear his voice for a few more minutes. “I love you, Gyeom-ah”.

Before he can respond, I turn it off.

The man's excited laughter shakes me.

“That, that…!” he shouts, making me cringe in the back seat. “You did well Bambam-ssi.” The person says excitedly. “His voice is always so beautiful, right? Yes, it is yes! His voices are so fucking beautiful”.

I feel my eyes widen.

What the fuck was that?

“Why are you doing this?” I whisper. “Why did you tell me to call Yugyeom? Why are you doing this to me?”

“Oh I am sorry.” the driver inquires falsely worried, turning abruptly when he catches a return in a dangerous entrance. I hold on, screaming for the image of a possible accident that pops up in my mind. “I almost missed the return. Final route... Itaewon”.

“Will you let me go?”

“Of course silly!” the driver answers excitedly. “Wasn’t the deal we made? You behaved, I would hear his voice and take you back home”.

I press my fingers on my phone.

 _Just call the police_.

“Who are you?”

“Someone he's been looking for.” the man responds in a grave, angry tone. “Someone who doesn’t like being bothered by pathetic little boys with an idiotic idea of justice…” that wasn’t a prank. His dark brown eyes stared at me in the mirror. I held my breath before heard him. “Someone who will end up hurting people if he doesn’t stop looking”.

— ❖ —

SOMEWHERE WITHOUT A REAL ADDRESS, a dark-eyed, empty-faced young man sat in front of the slates on the walls.

He patiently counted the strings attached to the photos as he whistled a children song — photographs of those who had already died, of those who would die very soon if everything went right.

He had selected each of his models along with the members of his family and was proud of the work they were doing; waking the population to the virus that was passing through the damn schools was definitely an interesting and peculiar way of showing power.

The climax of the music arrived, cradling him in a frantic and amused shrug of his shoulders as he waved his hands from side to side in a lively and exciting dance. He was happy, partly because he would soon be ordering one more of his teams — who would make a great show in Myeongdong and partly because he had had an exciting afternoon, where he could taste some of the peculiar and innocent adrenaline that the boy who had been so intrigued was savoring since the witch had started his hunt.

If he closed his eyes, he could still have a vivid glimpse of the completely terrifying situation for the gray-haired boy. The man smiled, remembering the terrifying voice shouting ‘please, please, let me go, please’. It was even more enjoyable to remember how Kim Yugyeom's voice —, which intrigued him so much — sounded calm and peaceful.

He liked that afternoon, it had been one of his best moments. It was no match for the day he founded his family or when the members knelt in front of him and waited patiently — this afternoon is the best for him.

It was exciting to know that if his fingers clicked everyone around Kim Yugyeom would end up in coffins around his house.

It was exciting.

“Sir?” _32_ , which was how the woman had been named, called with her sneering tone. Without an answer, she stepped into the planning room and left the briefcase on the table. “We found the information you asked for.” she said, analyzing the men smiling expression. A long time ago, when there were still only two people meeting in a chat, she thought he was sick. Sick of the head, of the heart, of the soul. This hasn’t changed over the years, what has changed was her view of herself because she was sick too. She’s crazy… like him. “What should we do?”

“Leave it.” he ordered without taking his eyes off the faces that would soon be snatched from the earth. “I'll think about something to do with it until then don’t say anything. I don’t want others to know”.

“Yes, sir.” 32 bowed but didn’t move. “Sir?”

“Huh?”

He found her annoying. She had been the same since they had met, had an ice heart, was annoying because she thought she had been corrupted by him when in fact she had been born that way.

She was just afraid to admit it to herself.

“Don’t you think we should fix it?” 23 ask again. It was what everyone thought, that they were supposed to fix it, that it was time to put him on one of the lists, but that wasn’t what the man wanted. “He's digging where he shouldn’t, the hacker helping him has made our lives difficult and we've had to come up with our plans because of the PC Café exposure”.

“Yes 23, I know all this.” he grunted, opening the folder his tactical team had set up. They had chosen a beautiful photo to attach to the file. He looks at that face. “But look at him…” he says with a sigh. “Don’t you see where he can go? This smile doesn’t scream in your mind ‘come get me, make me afraid of you, and devour my soul’ to you? Because that's all I hear when I see him smiling.” he replays with a sad smile. “So curious and violent. Does he know that he has taken me nights, thirty-three?” he asked thoughtfully. “Do you think he knows?”

“Sir!” the woman grunted, stamping her foot, which made the man laugh. He knew that everyone was hating him at that moment, judging his sanity and saying things behind his back, but he did not care. “Stop that madness, please. We don’t need this right now”.

“Is that what you think? That I am a crazy person?”

“ _Ne_. I've known him for a long time and I think you’re finally going crazy.” she admits. “We've always had clear orders. Select our targets and kill them to give a message to this toxic society that has so much oppressed us, but now we have to watch you protect this kid, who has caused us problems after problems”.

“He’s just curious…” _first he found out about Hansol's friend, then about the gun shop, the PC Cafe and the phantom sales_. He’s mind pup, made him sigh again. “It's really a problem but that's exactly why I am protecting him. I need to see where he can go alone”.

“Why?”

“You see my dear, I am just amazed at the size of his performance. I mean, how could a simple kid have discovered so much about us while the cops don’t even understand what we are?” It was evident to everyone how much he was involved by Kim Yugyeom. Unfortunately, he was the only one. “They're right when they gossip about me being obsessed about this kid… he enchants me because he is brave enough to risk his life for a dead person.” He admits walking slowly to the immense slate, YONGSAN SCHOOL TARGETS. “I want to see how far he can go because of this poor kid” he says, pointing to Kim Taehyung's picture. “That's called interest, not protection”.

“But yo-”

“You’ll follow my orders!” he shouts, punching the slate to silence her. After all, he was the master. “I don’t want to know what you think, just follow what I say. No one touches the boy”.

Twenty-three nodded.

“Yes, sir”.

He knew he had to give something in return for them to obey his rules, and he knew what they liked best in that family:

“I allow you to continue the threats, you are allowed to hurt his friends and let him know that he is guilty for everything, but don’t touch him until I say so…” the end of the sentence comes with a silent warning. She knows that he could kill her with anyone disobey this. “Now go, order the next group to prepare themselves. We'll get ahead of the plans. I want to do something fun this week”.

“Yes sir, the order will be given. Preparations for Daegu’s attack will begin now as you wish”.

“Great. Now leave me alone”.

When he finally stood alone, he sighed in relief and pressed the piece of the picture to his chest, staring at the smiling face of Taehyung on the blackboard. He wasn’t protecting a possible target, he was just curious to know how far he would go. He wanted to know how Kim Yugyeom, a simple boy, came up against his operation.

How had he achieved so much?

Still, when the time came, he would write his name as the first podium on the great list of the deserving of death.

“Don’t worry too much Taehyung-ssi..." he whispered with a perfect smile on his lips. “You'll have him was company soon”.

— ❖ —

IN THE MORNING Daegu dawned in a dark and sad sky.

Six students had attacked a high school, fifteen people had been killed and three were in the hospital.

“ _Yugyeom?”_ Do Kyungsoo's voice woke the boy. “ _You saw the news?"_ no, he was still in bed. “ _They attacked a school in Daegu. Fifteen people were killed, Yugyeom”._

Yugyeom sat down frightening, scares his best friend who was having a nightmare, wondering what was going on — Bambam still hadn’t told his friend about what had happened to him the night before when he was kidnapped and forced to call Yugyeom while he provided a lunatic something like satisfaction.

“No…”

“ _I need to tell you something but it cannot be at phone._ ” the boy said hastily. “ _And we can’t do it in the restaurant, I think someone thinks about that place know... Let's meet somewhere with people, there's something I need to tell you_.” Yugyeom could imagine him running his hands over his shaved, frustrated head. “ _I’ll tell you some address… and turn on the TV, they're talking about it now”._

Without saying anything, Kim Yugyeom ran downstairs, appearing in the living room beside his mother, who watched the news with her husband.

 _“… Daegu authorities haven’t declared anything about the two teenagers who were arrested at the scene. Some experts have come back to talk about the similarity of what happened in Seoul and how police should act in such a situation…”_ the woman on the TV said putting her hair behind her ear. “ _It has been a year and a half since the first bombing, more than six months since Yongsan International School’s attack, yet there are no answers as to why such atrocities have occurred. Police haven’t released anything about the case…”_ she made it clear. The cops don’t say anything. Anything. “ _The only thing left behind about what just happened in Daegu was a phrase. One of the shooters took responsibility for the shooting. He wrote ‘when the trumpet of angels rings, more bodies will fall…_ ’”


	19. P A R T T W O

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I am trying Yugyeom...”
> 
> “Look, if you'd seen those murals, ypu'd understand why I am still insisting on it despite everything that has happened”.
> 
> “Okay. Maybe. But people close to you are hurting themselves, Yugyeom. So how long do you think it will take for Bambam, Jaebeom or even me to be stabbed too? Cannot we just stop it? Go to the police and ask for a restraining order?”
> 
> “I don’t know...” I whisper, staring at my hand. “Don’t know”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!!  
> I've been so busy these last times, I didn't have time to publish before, but now I've set aside a few times to update and leave you with the continuity of this story. I don't know if anyone is still reading kakak I hope so hahahah so I tell you that you are reading THANK YOU FOR WAITING ME FOR ALL THIS TIME MEANS MUCH TO ME~~~!
> 
> So, hope you enjoy this chapter!

  
  
  
  
  
  
I spent a lot of time inside my own mind that I lost my mind.  
— Edgar Allan Poe.

Daegu was in mourning for their lost children.

But different from other times, life hadn’t stopped. People looked different now as if everything that had happened had made them colder for that situation... it was normal. Common.

For example, people kept leaving their house at night, even if the police said it was dangerous. And I was still living my life.

Like, my grade collation was about to happen, and in a few weeks, UNI would begin — if I entered any of them, of course.

No one was talking about what had happened, the only ones who still cared were the victims’ families, but anyone talks about it anymore, Daegu attack as normal to everyone, and we follow our lives and waited for our diplomas as anything had happened.

Even my mom seemed more used to everything that happens.

“I miss you at home…” she says as she sat on the hood of dad’s expensive car. I leave the screwdriver in the box. “Your father and I thought you were dating again.” I protest with a sad sound, which makes her laugh. “What?! You always enjoyed being with someone, having somebody to see those silly horror movies and hanging out”.

“Things change”.

“Why?”

“You know why” I heard her inhale worried. “But it's not like I care about that, believe me. It's better that way.” I say trying to make her understand for the last time that I didn’t have to be with someone to be happier. Although I don’t feel happy. “Besides, I can fuck anyone if I want that way”.

“Oh Jesus! Did I give birth to an idiot?”

“Something like that”.

“You are a disappointment Kim Yugyeom…” mom joke with a silly grin on her face. “I was hoping to see you married, you know that right?”

“Me? Married?” I raise my eyebrows. “Who gave you this illusion?”

“You!” she laughs. “You always said you wanted to get married and have two children. Oh, and that you wanted to have a dog called _star”_.

“I was five years old back then mama”.

“So?”

“I don’t want to get married anymore!”

“Don’t care. I still wanted to see you get married, Yugyeom”.

She giggles at me, makes me roll my eyes.

My mother his nuts.

“Don’t you really like anyone?”

“Sorry for that, but you’ll not get this information” say back, pushing the drill to the bottom of the hole. “Sorry to disappoint you”.

"Still, it would be good to see you quiet down a bit. I still hope to see you married in the future with kids and a dog named _star_ ”.

“Cannot you just adopt Jaebeom or Bambam’s kids?” I ask, wrinkling my brow. “They're probably going to get married and have kids. You can simply adopt them for yourself”.

“Jaebeom and Bambam?” mama laughs mockingly. “They'll probably take the kids away from here. Do you happen to know which country you live in? This place is hell for gays, Yugyeom. I doubt they will submit their children to this torture.” she complains, projecting her lips. “So, even if I adopt them, I will not be a grandmother”.

“The sad reality of life”.

“Just get married and have children!” she shouts, stamping her feet. I giggle, repeating that I will not be able to realize her dreams. Mama inquires about probably having to move to take care of Jaebeom and Bambam’s kids. “By the way, Bambam was talking about living in Thailand to adopt children”.

“What? For real?”

“Yeah. He said that he hoped that boy…” she moves her eyes, searching for the name in her memory. “The one with black hair and tattoos. That slept here with you. What his name again?”

“Park Jinyoung?”

“Yeah. That one!” she says, shaking her head firmly. “He said he hoped he liked it there and that he liked children because he wanted to have at least two of them”.

Why Bambam even said that?

“He even told me the names. Park Tae-oh and Park Tae-yeon”.

My chin falls.

My best friend was crazy.

Was he delirious about getting married and having children with Jinyoung after all they'd said to each other? Whoa.

I listened to the things that Bambam had told about Jinyoung until I get really annoying about it.

“Fuck! Look at the time!!" I say falsely surprised. “I need to go, mom. I promised dad that I would have lunch with him at the police station”.

“What? But what about me?” she asks coming up behind me. “Babe?”

“Later mom…”

“But I want to know about the girl you're dating!”

“Later!”

— ❖ —

That Saturday afternoon I rolled over in bed and ceded the wishes of Kunpimook Bhuwakul Bambam to go to Park Jimin's party:

 **angry Gyeom-ah 10:40 pm**  
okay hyung, you win!

 _1min ago_  
I'll meet you at Jimin's party.

But Bambam didn’t look pleased when I saw him.

He was distracted and confused — he was this way for almost a week, and he doesn’t say why — and any loud noise scares him. I didn’t know what was happening but I was sure he wouldn’t tell me. At least not in the middle of all those people, so I just kept close and talked to my best friend as much as I could.

“Stop drinking this much.” I complained, taking the glass from his hand. Bambam was never good with drinks, he always ended up going bad and blackout in the middle of the party. So I didn’t want to let him exaggerate because I wouldn’t be able to take care of him. The reason was simple, Do Kyungsoo had asked me for a safe place to meet and that party seemed the best camouflage for us. “Please stop”.

“Gyeom-ah!” Bambam started, looking right at me with questioning eyes. “Why things cannot be easier for me, huh? Why bad things must happen, and I have to keep quiet about it?!” he whines, pulling me into a hug. “I just wanted a little tinkle of peace, just a little bit. Wouldn’t that be good, huh? Have peace to do whatever we want, to go out without fear of dying in the middle of the street or being kidnapped?”

“Unfortunately, life is like that hyung but don’t worry, things are better in our neighborhood now” I remember, pushing him away. “Dad will not let anything happen to us, okay? Don’t worry”.

He nodded, licking his fleshy lips, staring at me with his fake blue eyes. Suddenly his expression saddened:

“Why couldn’t Joon come today?” he asked in annoyance. “It would be so less annoying to have him here, I wouldn’t need to see that frill smiling at everyone…” he was probably talking about Park Jinyoung and his silly crush. “I want to die, then the bad things will stop”.

“If you die, who's going to take care of me when I got too drunk?”

“That’s why you have friends now. And you have Jaebeom, who does not do much because he lives behind a stick, but at least you have him”.

“Tell him that tomorrow, okay? I want to see what's going to happen”.

“God forbid, he was going to beat me up”.

I laugh.

“Oh yeah, surely he'll kill you hyung.” I roll my eyes, helping him sit down. “Stay here for a minute, okay?”

“Where are you going? Don’t leave me alone please, I don’t want to be taken again. Don’t leave me alone, please”.

“I'm just getting some water.” His words were confused, his hair sweating behind him, watching him pout. “Stay there”.

I was worried about Bambam, but I was also anxious to meet Kyungsoo and wanted to look at the house to make sure he had not arrived and got into some dark corner.

Meanwhile, Kyungsoo hadn’t yet arrived and Bambam wasn’t on the couch when I returned to the living room. _Shit_.

“Hey. Did you see the gray-haired guy who was here?” I ask a girl. I was pretty sure she was doing the physical class with me. “Did you see him?”

“Bambam? I think I saw him going into the yard, I don’t know. He was very drunk”.

I gritted my teeth, heading outside Park Jimin's house.

I could probably wait for anything. They are making out with some boy because he was too drunk to remember Lee Jooheon. He throws up in the pool because of his bad stomach or dancing with some strange dude.

However, I didn’t expect him to go crazy to the point of being thrown into Park Jinyoung's arms after all he had done.

“Hyung!” they both look at me. _Shit_. “Bambam…” I explain, pulling him out of the boy's lap. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I want Jinyoung”.

“For God’s sake…” I whisper in embarrassment. “You have a boyfriend, hyung. Stop that for your own good right now”.

“But I want Jinyoung!” He shouts impatiently, trying to get rid of my hands. “Cannot I have him for me, Gyeom?”

“No, you don’t.” I grind my teeth, pausing to check if anyone was listening to his confession. I didn’t want to see him embarrassed the next day because he was declaring himself to his fucking ex. “Come with me, you're wrong and you'll regret that shit tomorrow. Come on, I'll ask Jim-”

“Jinyoung, please, let's go back.” Bambam begged slyly, turning to the boy. “Just one more time. I need to make you understand that we are perfect together ad-”

“Bam-ah, can you stop being so ridiculous?” I ask angry with him, pulling him by the arm. “This guy is an asshole. He doesn’t deserve your fucking love and you don’t even humble yourself in front of all these people for him, so stop it!” I south, running a hand over his forehead. He ignores me, laying his face on Jinyoung's chest, which glares at me without expression. “You don’t help either, do you?”

“Not my fault. It was he who appeared out of nowhere”.

“Why do you think he did that?” I cross my arms. “He loves you and you keep treating him like you want something. Of course, he would interpret it to wrong your fucker”.

“I made it clear that I didn’t want anything else” Jinyoung grumbled, grabbing Bambam's hands. “What else could I do? Treat him like shit because I don’t want a fucking boyfriend? I'm not that kind of person”.

“I definitely don’t know! But it could be more ea-”

“Give me a break Yugyeom-ssi.” Jinyoung interrupted rudely, helping Bambam to rise from his lap. “Hey. Bambam?”

“Hyung~~~”

“Yes it's me sweet…” he whispered, pulling my friend's hair out of his face. “How about getting in the bedroom and getting some rest, huh?”

“Will you stay there with me?”

“Yeah. Of course”.

When I heard the answer, Bambam immediately stood up, smiling happily at Park Jinyoung and pulling him by the hand. I rolled my eyes ready to follow them when I heard Jeon Jungkook's voice call me:

“Yugyeom?”

I face him.

“Can we talk?”

“No”.

“Please?” Jungkook asked with a sigh. “I promise I'll be quick”.

I looked ahead, seeing Bambam and Jinyoung disappear:

“Okay. What do you want?”

“Tell me the truth”.

I looked at him seriously.

“I thought Jimin had already told you”.

“Yeah, he said but…” Jungkook admitted biting his lips. “But I want to hear it from you.” he said with the semblance that always made me call him ‘puppy’ that had fallen from the box of change. “Remember how we met? You fell off the swing and I helped you…” I heard the smile implicit in his voice. “And then your mother bought me ice cream. We’re only eight years old back then, Yugyeom”.

I pursed my lips.

“What is it? Memory session?” I ask irritably. “I don’t need that sentimental shit right now, Jeon. Leave me alone”.

“Why do you have to be so stupid?” He asks back visibly angry, holding me by the arm. “All I want to do is get back to you-”

“Just forget about it”.

“I cannot. Not after so long. I miss you!”

I feel the phone ring in my pocket.

Shit. Was it Kyungsoo?

Jungkook wouldn’t leave me alone.

“Do you really want to be my friend again, Jungkook?” I sigh defeated. It would have been two years since we'd last talked without cursing or hitting each other. “Then do me a favor, forget about that”.

“But Gyeom-ah-”

“At least for a while.” I really need to make it understood that this wasn’t the right time. “I need to take care of Bambam, there's too much going on and I cannot sit down to explain the whole story to you and still apologize to Jimin, so just forget it for now, okay? Let's get things sorted out”.

Jungkook held me back:

“I'm going to your house tomorrow…” he really didn’t understand the meaning of 'letting things work out'. _Jesus Christ_. “Tell your mother I want to eat that lemon pie”.

“Jung...” but before I can stop him, I watch him get away quickly and enter Jimin's house. “Shit Jungkook”.

My phone ring again, making me take it out of my pocket. However, it was just Jinyoung asking me to get see Bambam.

 _Shit_. Where’s Kyungsoo?

When I enter the room, I am surprised to see Jinyoung sitting on the floor. He opens his eyes and puts his finger between his lips, asking me to be silent because Bambam was asleep. I feel impatient.

I pick up my phone again, sending a message to Kyungsoo.

“Will not you talk to me again?”

“I don’t have nothing to talk to you” I reply without taking my eyes off the device. “Then no. I will not speak to you again”.

“Come on, Yugyeom. We kissed. I'm sorry about that”.

"No.” I stop him. “You kissed me. You”.

He sighed, rolling his eyes.

“Yes. I kissed you...” Park Jinyoung stated, lifting his head, looking directly at me. “I'm sorry for that”.

“Are you sorry?” I giggle without humor. You think it's that simple?”

“It should be. We were friends after all”.

“Yeah, we were” I agree by turning the screen off. “But you screwed up, did not you?” I was stupid and knew it, but every time I looked at Jinyoung I remembered his mouth in mine and I felt miserable because of Bambam. “I always respected my friends and expected the same from them. You went from all the limits that day”.

“Yes, I know but-”

“No ‘buts’. I don’t want your friendship anymore. I'm serious.” I need to make him understood that. “I don’t want you involved in my life either, so let's stop the sessions”.

“What? No!” Park Jinyoung yelled, causing Bambam to grumble in his sleep. I rebuke him. “You cannot just stop with the sessions Yugyeom. We had a deal!”

 "It broke the instant you decided to kiss me”.

“I was drunk!” He shouts again, clapping his hands on his knees. _I really don’t care_. “You were scrubbing on me, talking about those things, and I rubbing against me okay”.

“What?” I laugh. “I wasn’t rubbing on you!”

Park Jinyoung smiles back, sarcastically:

“You might think so, but you were rubbing me. Then there was no way I knew it was a joke, I thought-that you, I thought-”

“What?!” I ask irritably. “That I was in love with you? That I fucking want you? Please!” I cross my arms. “I'm not gay, Jinyoung. And even if I was, you wouldn’t do my fucking type. Don’t fletch yourself too much”.

We were silent for a moment.

“What do I have to do to repay you?” his voice asks me seriously for the first time. “Tell me and I will do it. I do everything you ask me”.

I knew Jinyoung would try to persuade me to continue what we were doing because he needed me to complete his research. He needed our sessions and my answers to complete his final UNI assignment.

He needed a fucking A.

"I want you to leave me alone”.

“Gyeo-”

“ _Somebody calls an ambulance!_ ” A frightened voice screams from the other side of the half-open door. “ _Somebody calls an ambulance, please_ ”.

I walked to the door, opening it and hearing the screams talking about a stabbed boy.

I left the room, pushing people around me.

His eyes were too intense when I stop in front of him and it felt like they were staring right at me. I open my mouth:

“Shit”.

— ❖ —

 “He'll be fine?” I whisper impatiently. “I know you said that only family members can know about him, but his parents still don’t show up and I'm almost like a parent-”

“Just family.” the nurse repeats firmly. “If you want to keep waiting, you'll have to be quiet, when his parents appear, you can ask whatever you want”.

“But-”

“Sit down Gyeom. She’ll not tell you anything.” Park Jinyoung calls me, tapping the chair next to him. I stutter, angry at the old woman who was apparently the worst person in the world. I sit back. “Yugyeom? Can you explain how you know him?”

I stare at the tips of my fingers.

No, I couldn’t explain.

I couldn’t tell because I didn’t want to involve Jinyoung more than I had involved him, in part because Kyungsoo preferred it and partly because I didn’t want him back in my life.

Fuck.

“Yugyeom?”

“He's the hacker I hired”.

“Wh-your idiot”.

During the early evening of Saturday, I had spent every second waiting for Do Kyungsoo because I was anxious to know what he wanted to tell me. I checked my phone more often than I could remember and sent more messages than I was accustomed to sending, because I was worried and wanted to know about it.

So it was a shock to see him being carried into Park Jimin's house with a cut in his stomach that way. _Was he hurt because of me?_ That's what I thought when I saw him.

Yes. He was hurt because of me.

“I lied to you when I said I'd stopped investigating alone”.

“Cannot believe you kept up with this shit after you almost died!”

“Keep your voice down!” Jinyoung huffed incredulously, slapping the back of my neck. “If you do that again, I swear I break your arm.” I growl turning to face him. “I had to make sure I wouldn’t find anything else”.

“Of course you had to find out!” he laughs sarcastically. “And look what you own” he mocks. Kyungsoo had been stabbed and no one could explain how that had happened. The girl who found him said he heard some noises and then heard him ask her to scream for help. “The guy's hospitalized because he got stabbed”.

It was my fault.

“Why don’t you listen to me? You look like a spoiled child!” he said angrily. “The only difference is that you're not after a damn toy, you're after your own death! He rails angrily at my irresponsibility. “Cannot you see that?”

“Clearly.” I say with self-pity, running my hands over my face. “But I didn’t force him to help me. I paid for his work, but I didn’t make him do it, he was the one who wanted to continue this, okay? I know I have a percentage of guilt, but he had a-”

“Fuck you with your ‘I'm not all the blame one’ talk. If that guy is in a hospital bed, it's because you told him to investigate some fucking lunatic who killed a lot of people for the fun of it!”

“It's not for fun!” replay between my teeth. Jinyoung's brown eyes cling to mine, angry. “You may think it's the fucking terrorist cult, but I'm sure it's more than that and Kyungsoo hyung thought so too. He wasn’t stabbed for fun, he was attacked because he probably discovered something important…” I explain anxiously, trying to make him understand something that sometimes even I understand. “And yes, it was my fault, but not entirely. He had the choice to stop when he said that the guy who stapled me was professional or when I told him I had been beaten up but DO hyung decided to continue because he wanted to get the damn moron!”

“You-”

“They’re planning attacks Jinyoung. Somehow, this person convinced a lot of people to get into this shit. Taehyung went to a coffin because he was in the wrong place, I got beat up for finding what I shouldn’t and now hyung was stabbed because he had something to tell me!” I gasped without breath, my eyes burning. I was tired. I was tired of all that shit and wanted to stop, but it wasn’t simple. We couldn’t just forget and wait for someone else to die because we were already marked. Nothing else could be done. “Can you try to understand why I continued with it?”

Park Jinyoung's dark brown eyes stared at me suspiciously, impatiently. I looked back at him, fearful of his answer.

“I am trying Yugyeom...”

“Look, if you'd seen those murals, you'd understand why I am still insisting on it despite everything that has happened”.

“Okay. Maybe. But people close to you are hurting themselves, Yugyeom. So how long do you think it will take for Bambam, Jaebeom or even me to be stabbed too? Cannot we just stop it? Go to the police and ask for a restraining order?”

“I don’t know...” I whisper, staring at my hand. “Don’t know”.

“Can we try at last? Please? We make a hypothetical case and introduce him to your father” he explains firmly. “I understand you're doing all this for Taehyung, but that's enough. You cannot go on with this madness alone, Yugyeom. It's too dangerous”.

I sigh, closing my eyes.

For a moment, I wished to wake up and discover that it was all a nightmare, that my mind wasn’t so confused and that I wasn’t going crazy little by little. But it wasn’t a nightmare.

“Let's go back...”

“What?”

“Let's go back.” I repeat with a sigh. Maybe if I gave him something, he would be quiet for a moment. “I need it. There's a lot in my head again, like… Taehyung. That fucking place that seems to have come out of nowhere... Kyungsoo. It's too much to me”.

“No. Don’t do that. Don’t create another subject that interests me just to get me the focus. You cannot simply do-”.

But he cannot finish speaking, because two nurses and the doctor who had attended Do Kyungsoo come by, shouting to bring something I cannot repeat the name, entering the boy's room with a shaved head.

I get upset and even though it's being called by Jinyoung and being stopped by the nurse, I get to hear the doctor say that the patient was collapsing.

Kyungsoo was dying.

— ❖ —

Kyungsoo had cerebral edema — the spot was big enough to get close to the drill area of his brain. I had to ask my mother what it meant, and the answer wasn’t the best. As far as she could explain, cerebral edema could aggravate Kyungsoo's situation and he could have sequelae.

“It's been a week” I said, sitting down next to Kyungsoo's mother. I had said we were friends of the school, even though he was probably much older he eventually believed. Maybe because she was more worried about her son. “What did the doctors say to you? He is fine?”

“The edema is diminishing” she sighed, rubbing her face before getting up and tidying up her son's blanket. “But it's still risky to try to bring him back from the induced coma. The doctor thinks it will be better for him to recover that way, we need to give him time”.

— ❖ —

The English writer Ralph Steadman, known for writing books such as "I, Leonardo" and "The curse of Lono" — copies that were sadly dusty on my mother's personal shelf — wrote somewhere that “evil is always planning the most corrosive misery through man's need to avenge himself for his hatred”.

According to Park Jinyoung, I was living an echo of those words and didn’t seem to tire of repeating them exhaustively.

He believed that whoever was behind all this was acting as if life were a game and we were his pawns. Jinyoung also believed that I’ll lose because I couldn’t perceive the little details that indicated that everything was being done behind an immeasurable hate complex.

Maybe that's why I decided to put an end to my participation in that game because Jinyoung believed we couldn’t win — and over that because Kyungsoo was in the hospital and it was my fault.

It was the fault of that game we had lost.

I gathered all evidence I'd gotten and typed a letter, depositing everything in a shoebox to be left in the garden of Itaewon police station, where I knew dad used to spend half his lunch hours smoking a cigarette:

 

Dear Yongsan’s cops,

First, I wanted to apologize to you and to everyone for having kept this with me for so long. Now I think if it had come to you, things would have been different for everyone.

I cannot say who I am because it's risky. Also, cannot tell you how I got the things that will find in this box because my life is in danger, but everything that is here is true. PLEASE CHECK EVERYTHING OUT BEFORE YOU THINK ABOUT THROWING IT AWAY.

The address you will find here is from a place outside the city where I found clues about Yongsan International School shotgun. There I found evidence that Yongsan wasn’t the first target and that everything has a connection. Unfortunately, you will find out that the place has been sold and resold, thus passing by three owners. I believe that the first two are the same people because the sales were made in a curious way and the contracts were censored by the same judge.

Don’t believe what the media are saying, it's not a terrorist attack. What's happening has to do with revenge. If it's behind the names that are here, you'll understand why I'm saying this. They aren’t killing in the name of religion, politics or social standing, they are making a personal attack. It’s revenge.

Please find out what I couldn’t find out before it's too late.

I am sure more people will be killed.

 

  1. Drill area. It is the part that is "in charge" of the language function. That is, the part allows us the gift of speech and sound expressions.




	20. S E V E N T E E N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I miss you.” Park Jinyoung's harsh voice cuts me off quickly. I keep my eyes on my phone. “Not only to be able to get something from our consultations but you. I miss us laughing and making fun of others, mess around and… even when you hit me. I miss this.” Shit. “Yugyeom...”
> 
> “Don’t!”
> 
> “I am so sorry!” he shouts at me, I raise my eyes in time to see him take a step closer to me. “I am sorry about what happened. I promise it was a mistake that will not happen again”.
> 
> Park Jinyoung looked desperate.
> 
> “Please, Yugyeom...” the dark man whispered again, biting his lips at me. I unplug the phone screen. “I miss you and I really need a friend right now. Please. I need you”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, how are you guys? Did everyone have a good Christmas and a good New Year? I hope so!!! I know I've been missing hahaha I was moving around with my girlfriend, so it got complicated updated, but I hope you are still here and are enjoying the au. I will publish two chapters because you deserve it after waiting for a month hahaha 
> 
> I hope you haven't abandoned me!

 

 

 

Until the sun does not shine, we light a candle in the darkness.  
— Confucius.

“Happy birthday Jaebeom hyung!” I whistle throwing confetti over his reddish hair while the others open a few bottles to wet him. “That you grow up and call Youngjae hyung out before someone else does it”.

“For God's sake!” Jaebeom yelled, widening his eyes, turning quickly to check if Youngjae is still distracted in his conversation with Yoongi. He smiled amused. “Don’t do such a thing to me”.

“What? Wishing my best friend good luck with his crush?”

Jaebeom rolls his eyes, punching me in the shoulder before receiving a hug from Hoseok, who pulls him into the karaoke.

January 2017. If anyone asked me if I thought we would reach the end of 2017 a few months, I would have made it clear that I didn’t believe in magic. But somehow, we had survived.

However, it hadn’t been that simple. A lot had happened in late 2016 and many people still had scars to prove it. In December, for example, Park Jinyoung and I sat in front of the TV in the living room of his house and we waited for some catastrophe to be announced.

Nothing happened that day.

Not even a traffic accident.

Things began to get off the rails only on the penultimate day of December, when a school bus crashed off a bridge into a 'traffic accident', killing thirty-two children. A few hours after the wrong statement, Seoul police station issued a note stating that the bus's brakes had been cut off. At dinner dad blurted out that he had overheard a few police officers commenting on the case, saying that they had found a suspicious ticket in the glove compartment.

That night I had a panic crisis.

It was as Jinyoung really came back to my life because I had locked me in the wardrobe and couldn’t process what was happening — things were calm, and I had just gotten used to being off guard.

And as if that were not enough, Kyungsoo's mother appeared the same week saying that her son hadn’t woken up as expected.

On January 1, 2017, a university outside the city had been invaded. There were no injuries, what was left behind was the event and the graffiti on the walls, informing everyone that they were invited to watch the final play — people were on alert.

It wasn’t easy for me to keep up with everyone at that time, for the first few weeks all I wanted was to stay in my room thinking about what had gone wrong with my plan — I kept wondering if dad hadn’t found the box. I heard the answer three days after a serious accident in the subway, in a message that said:

**ID LOCKED at 11 pm**   
_Accident happens. Whether they cause  
natural or not. See what happened on the subway..._

Dad hadn’t found my box and I had gone back to square one, without even a clue.

“Gyeom-ah?”

“Huh?” I turn in dazed, smiling at Jaebeom's happy countenance. He sits beside me. “What hyung?”

“Nothing. It's just that...” he pursues his lips. “You look a little out lately. Can I help with something? Something happened?”

“Oh don’t worry” lying had become normal. “It's just college stuff”.

“Uni?” the redhead gritted his teeth. “I remember my first semester was like. I went crazy at that time”.

“Then you understand why I am so out those days.” I smiled. “I've got a project to do, and sometimes I don’t think I'll handle it”.

“Yugyeom, of course you can handle with it. If you can get a 5th place in UNI exam, you can solve a project”.

Was that a compliment or an insult?

The only good thing that had happened to me that early in the year was my entrance into the first-semester class at Hanyang University's engineering course. I really had done well on the exams.

“Youngjae said that I am emotionally unstable...” I heard him whisper beside me, sketchy in his expression of contentment. “Do you think he is right? Am I emotionally unstable?”

“Who aren’t those days?”

He laughs rolling his eyes.

The redhead nudges me, pointing to Bambam who starts dancing Red Velvet's new music choreography with Hoseok and Yoongi, while the others clap and shout like idiots.

Fun giggling, watching him go down to the floor before yelling over his sore spine — Bambam had given up on getting into a SKY, was attending the first semester of medicine at Kyung Hee University.

We were really surprised and proud to see him come in with proof of enrollment because no one had a clue what he was trying to get into medicine. His mother cried for hours.

“Jackson cannot take his eyes off Mark hyung...” Jaebeom whispered to me, catching my attention. They weren’t together. They had even tried, but Mark Tuan was stubborn and had decided to start dating a guy named Junseo. “Will they ever work? Mark must think the same as Youngjae, right?”

“The emotionally unstable thing?” He shakes his head impatiently. I smile. “Forget about it hyung. We’re all a little emotionally shaken”.

“But did he need to justify his fucking no like that?”

“What you wanted? That he gave you a no and catch a boyfriend as Mark hyung did?”

“Christ, you're no help at all.” Jaebeom complains with a sigh, lying on my lap. “Let's talk about something else. Where's Jungkook?”

“With Jimin?” I raise my eyebrows. “Don’t know”.

Jungkook and I had talked.

It wasn’t easy and we still had some things to work out, but I had accepted the fact that I could no longer keep something he had already discovered. So I admitted all my mistakes and tried to find a middle ground about Park Jimin.

Jungkook had also entered Hanyang, he took the same course as Youngjae and always had lunch with us. Jimin was still in school, that would be her senior year, and Dahyun had finally called.

“I heard that he has I fight with Jinyoung...”

“Ah yes.” I pass my fingers into his hair, reaching for the boy in the room. He was standing next to Mark, one of his legs hanging over his friend's legs. “It was weird. Jungkook had no plausible motive but continued to fight with him. Bambam almost killed him”.

“I wanted to se-”

“Gyeomie?”

“Huh?”

“Can we go now?” Hirai Momo, who until then was outside with her friend, ask appearing in front of me. “It's getting late, when we get there the park will be full”.

“Sometimes I forget that you two are together…” Jaebeom sighs rising. I stare impatiently. He knew that between Momo and me there was no such thing as 'together'. We were just making out. It wasn’t serious. He laughed and turned to Momo. “Where will you two go?”

“Seokchonhosu river.” she replies visibly excited. “They're having a festival tonight, there's going to be a band”.

“Uh. A romantic date.” my redhead friend screams, catching Hoseok's attention. “Kim Yugyeom is really struggling.” Jaebeom was a snake when he wanted to. “She should worth that”.

“Jaebeom...” I complain, getting up. “See you okay. Don’t let Mark drive, he's drunk. Call a cab when everyone goes home”.

I left then. I don’t say goodbye to anyone, partly because I wasn’t in the mood to hear them complain about how little I've been spending together. Partly because he wanted to finish that day instead.

“Did you call them to meet us?”

“What?” I ask confused, turning to understand why Momo looked so irritated. “Did I forget something?”

“No. We're bored there” Bambam replay all smiley, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, an act that leaves him on tiptoe. “We've decided we're going to Seokchonhosu river with you two”.

The door opens with the bell ringing as I saw my friends walk through it and stand on the sidewalk just behind Bambam.

I wanted to ask who the idea of following me was, but I don’t have time because Jaebeom begins to push me toward the place we had parked.

Momo doesn’t seem very happy.

“Someone calls Jungkook, tells him to take Jimin to Seokchonhosu river” Bambam yells before guiding each to their respective cars. I take the key out of my pocket. “The last to arrive loses”.

— ❖ —

Things weren’t going well.

Kunpimook Bhuwakul Bambam had made it clear that each one would follow a different course way — because he didn’t want to ruin my date — and that I wouldn’t notice them while I was with Momo. However, as soon as we arrived a guard, who made it clear that this was a family event and those drunken people should leave, reprimanded us.

Of course, they didn’t pay attention to what the man was saying.

At some point Hoseok, Jackson and Yoongi plunged into the crowd and began to catch everyone's attention with shouting and a series of humiliating acts. Mark was stuck in Jinyoung's side, they were the quietest.

Youngjae and Jaebeom and they were there until then.

Already Bambam was clinging to me, as he was my fucking shadow. Already Hirai Momo was struggling to pretend she didn’t bother about my friend’s mess with our meeting.

“Yugyeom” Momo pulls me by the shirt, smiling for the first time in the night. “Shall we go to the photo booth? I want to click tonight”.

Momo and I had come to an agreement: we wouldn’t fall in love.

I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend and she had told me she didn’t want a romance, so being with the girl was really rewarding. I didn’t mind taking some pictures.

But Jackson had other plans:

“You two!” Jackson's weight pushes me away from the blonde abruptly, making me let go of her hand. “They 're sappy. Who wants to participate with me?”

“Nobody”.

“Ya! Gyeomie…”

“Hyung, didn’t you say you'd leave me alone?" I ask seriously, folding my arms. “Come on, the idea was I had a... date”.

“Don’t act like you really want one.” Bambam countered sarcastically, making Momo snort. Bambam and I wasn’t on the best terms. “You should thank us for saving your ass from her”.

“Bambam!”

“What?” The Thai shrugs. “I only said the truth”.

“For a best friend, you have been worse than an enemy...”

“Oh yeah? And you have-”

“Okay. Already.” Jaebeom cut him off, pushing Bambam. “How long are you going to take this fight on?" I grit my teeth. “For God’s sake, this is enough boys. Just stop with this fight”.

“Hard to know since everything that comes out of his mouth is an offense”.

“You aren’t different...” Bambam countered. “You with your-”

“Christ. Enough!” Park Jinyoung speaks for the first time. “Bambam, why don’t you call him to talk instead of acting like a spoiled child?" He asks. I smile. “And Yugyeom, you should be more mature and apologize”.

 _Unbelievable_.

As if it were really my fault Bambam being immature to the point of being annoyed at not knowing what Jeon Jungkook and I had talked about. He should have been happy, but no. Bambam just acted like a complete idiot and became jealous.

“Wants to know?” Yoongi gets into our exchange of looks. “Stay there, I'll take Momo to see the sack race. Come with me baby, you don’t deserve to be in the middle of it. Come”.

Momo looks at me confused before being dragged by Yoongi and Hoseok, two drunks who take her into the crowd and yell for Jackson.

“Stay here and talk you two.” Jaebeom says. “Please”.

“No fucking way”.

— ❖ —

I punch the doll once more, feeling the knuckles of my fingers burn with the impact of the leather against my skin. Bambam was unbelievable.

I couldn’t believe he was really upset because he heard Jungkook say he knew a secret about me that no one else knew, as if he himself didn’t have his own secrets with Jaebeom.

I punch the toy again.

“Will you break it?” Park Jinyoung's sullen raspy voice scares me. I hold the doll making him stop moving, wondering why he followed me there. “I just came to give it back” he replies with a smile in the corners of his lips. “You dropped it”.

“Okay, now get out”.

“Whoa, and I thought you'd missed me”.

I grasp turning to the doll again, distributing punches while I listen to the marker register the percentage of points.

“You should understand…” Jinyoung asks after me. “He's just jealous. Jungkook and you don’t speak t-”

“Jinyoung?” cut him impatient, turning to face him. “I don’t want to know, okay? I don’t want to know, and you have no right to try and persuade me to talk to him, so leave me alone”.

He nods, so I think I see him go away, but the brunette just keeps staring at me:

“How's Kyungsoo?”

I tighten my jaw.

“Why should I know?”

“He was your friend”.

“He was never my friend.” I say in a hurry, turning away from him. I didn’t want to talk about Do Kyungsoo. “Leave me alone”.

Kyungsoo was my friend.

The boy hadn’t become my friend when we were plotting and looking for possible serial killers, but only when he was in a coma. I visited him frequently and gradually became close to his parents, so I knew him better now.

“Your mother called me!” Park Jinyoung was good at showing pity in his voice. “She told me that you cry while you sleep”.

I stare at the crumpled face of the doll.

Before he can say anything else, I move away from the toy, walking as fast as I can and hearing his footsteps behind him:

“Should I worry?”

“Why would you worry?” I ask back, rolling my eyes, not stopping to talk to him. “And my mother shouldn’t have called you. What the fuck did she have in mind to tell you something like that? This fucking family”.

“She sees me as your psychologist, though I have said a thousand times that I don’t have a degree yet and that I couldn’t help you with anything more than some beautiful words I memorized.” I giggle because it was true. Mama thought he was the best but didn’t know that Jinyoung told me only trivial things. “Look, he can smile”.

“Shut up!”

Park Jinyoung stuffs his hands in his pockets, something he does only when he's on the defensive, and he gives me a worried look:

“Don’t you want to talk to me again?”

 _Maybe_.

"I have friends for this”.

He nods with a smile.

“Do your friends know what you do when they're not looking?”

“I don’t know what you're talking about...”

Jinyoung smiled again.

"So it's was only Jungkook who knows. Interesting”.

I clench my fingers, annoyed by his sudden need to tease me. Still, Jinyoung was right, only Jungkook knew.

“I need to find Momo.” I explain, taking my phone out of my pocket, not wanting to pay any attention to that idiot. “Can you c-”

“I miss you.” Park Jinyoung's harsh voice cuts me off quickly. I keep my eyes on my phone. “Not only to be able to get something from our consultations but you. I miss us laughing and making fun of others, mess around and… even when you hit me. I miss this.” _Shit_. “Yugyeom...”

“Don’t!”

“I am so sorry!” he shouts at me, I raise my eyes in time to see him take a step closer to me. “I am sorry about what happened. I promise it was a mistake that will not happen again”.

Park Jinyoung looked desperate.

“Please, Yugyeom...” the dark man whispered again, biting his lips at me. I unplug the phone screen. “I miss you and I really need a friend right now. Please. I need you”.


	21. E I G H T E E N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Shut up!” Kim Yugyeom laughs at me. “You're such an idiot”.
> 
> I pop my tongue, poking at his waist, rebuking him for calling me an idiot. Yugyeom moves on the mattress so fast because of tickling that it is inevitable that we don’t fall to the floor when he weakly tries to push me away from him and ends up getting off balance.
> 
> The door opens before I can scream at the impact.
> 
> Jung Hoseok surprised eyes look at us:
> 
> “God. Are you two making out?”

 

 

 

We made our eyes look inwardly like mirrors, with the result   
of showing them without reservation what we were trying to deny with our mouths.  
— José Saramago.

**[A WEEK LATER]**

“ _Thermodynamics first law related to the principle of energy conservation…”_ I answer tapping the pen on the table, ignoring the curious glances, as the teacher nods patiently. “They believe that energy is a system that cannot be destroyed or created, can only be transformed”.

“Excellent mr. Kim!” Professor Kang, our physics tutor, congratulates me with a happy smile. “Now give me an example”.

“Uhm…” I run my hands through my hair. “When a person uses a pump to inflate an inflatable object, for example, it is using force to put air inside the object. This means that the kinetic energy causes the piston to lower” I hear someone coughing ‘nerd’ and sigh scratching their eyebrows before proceeding. “the first law can help to determine this transformation with the quantity of heat, work, and variation of internal energy12”.

“Perfect as always.” he mumbles turning to the blackboard, letting my 'lovable' roommates roll their annoying eyes to my side. University wasn’t much different from the school. “Let's go to the second law of thermodynamics...”

— ❖ —

“Gyeom!” Jungkook yells at me as I walk through the door. Yongsan School should receive a prize for getting so many students enrolled at Hanyang University. I believe from almost 32 students in my class, 19 have been admitted to the same department as me. The rest was spread out over the other courses. “Why do you always have to be the last in your class?” he asks, putting his arm around me. “Are you coming with me and Youngjae?”

“Where?”

“Find Jimin”.

“When are you going to ask him out Jungkook?”

“When the world takes two turns and becomes peach color with orange moles.” Jungkook smiles back, angry. “He is just my friend. You know it”.

"Too bad, Jackson thinks you're like a couple of the century”.

"I say the same about you and Rio _noona_ ”.

“Don’t talk shit”.

Jungkook blabbered about every possible subject while we waited for Youngjae, who was stuck in his class.

“Ah. Did you know that Bambam tried to kiss Jinyoung hyung again?”

“They only talk about it in the group, of course I heard.” I reply reading the message I had just received. “Jungkook?”

“Yeah?”

“I'm going to have passed our lunch…” I say with a smile because I knew he would make a scene. “I forgot I had a project and Bambam was here to help me” he sighed impatiently. “You know we're trying to make up I cannot keep him waiting for me”.

Jungkook annoying buff:

“Say hello to him for me”.

— ❖ —

_“... no. Not exactly that way!_ ” Jinyoung shouts from my room as I scrub my scalp. “ _According to Freud's psychoanalytic theory personality is composed of three key elements_.” he responds in a particularly loud and allegedly tone, but the truth is that he was furious for having to explain it to me for the fifth time. “ _He called them id, ego, and superego, and they work together to create human behavior_ ”.

While bathing he explains that the id — identity — which is inserted from birth and is connected to pleasure itself, in an instinctive and primitive way. Being the ego responsible for dealing with reality and developing from the identity and ensuring the impulses that it can express in an acceptable way in the real world. While the superego is the personality aspect that holds all the moral standards and ideals that are acquired through the medium.

In other words, Freud was confused.

“ _Christ, I have already said that they aren’t the same! Engler says that in discussing the id, ego, and superego we must bear in mind that they are three separate entities with well-defined boundaries and represent different processes and functions of the human being_ _13_ ”.

I marched out of the bathroom, wiping my hair.

“The three of them are still the same to me.” I say exhausted. “And this Engler guy might even say they aren’t, but if you look at it, you'll see that I'm perfectly right...!” I bubble out, taking the towel off the head. Jinyoung’s eyes fix on me. “Hyung?” I snap my fingers. “Earth calling Park Jinyoung, are you listening to me Park Jinyoung?”

“Ya, I already said that they aren’t the same!”

“Whatever. Can we get started soon? You have to go to dinner with your parents and you promised to help me with my project before you go”.

“Yeah, yeah. Come here” Jinyoung complains rolling his eyes. He looks directly at my torso. “But get dressed please, I want to get out of here as fast as I can”.

 

“ _Christ, I have already said that they aren’t the same!”_ I protest, rolling the page bar behind the quotation. “ _Engler says that in discussing the id, ego, and superego we must bear in mind that they are three separate entities with well-defined boundaries and represent different processes and functions of the human being_ _13_ ”.

“ _The three of them are still the same for me_.” Yugyeom’s voice sounds clearly exhausted and haughty. I scratch my forehead, ready to protest when the hearing gets closer. “And this Engler guy might even say they aren’t, but if you look at it, you'll see that I'm perfectly right...!”

I separate my lips.

I stare through his white skin with colored ink spots, automatically memorizing every drawing. I already knew about his necks tattoo, but not the one that was on the left side of his chest, much less the one on his right forearm and the broad bone of his hip.

_Taraxacum officinale_.

“Hyung?” Kim Yugyeom smiles, snapping his fingers. “Earth calling Park Jinyoung, are you listening to me Park Jinyoung?”

I clear my throat, turning my eyes to the notebook.

Yugyeom complains about my bad mood and tells me to look for the folder named "resistance" while he puts on something. He walks around the bedroom complaining about a makeup bag and even screams at his mother, who doesn’t answer back.

“Yugyeom?”

“Yes?”

I bite the corner of my mouth.

“Can I put a song on?” It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to ask for but didn’t know how strange it sounded to ask him not to cover his tattoos. I wish Yugyeom would feel more comfortable with me to tell me about them and the reason for covering them, but I knew that everything was too delicate to be damaged again. “Spotify or YouTube?”

“Spotify”.

**[ONE WEEK BEFORE, RIO SEOKCHONHOSU]**

“I need to find Momo” he complains, pulling his phone out of his pocket just to ignore me. “You can cal-”

Mrs. Hae had asked me to be honest with Yugyeom.

“I miss you.” I say without breath. “Not only to be able to get something from our consultations but you. I miss us laughing and making fun of others, mess around and… even when you hit me. I miss this.” He keeps his eyes on his phone. “Yugyeom...”

“Don’t!”

“I'm so sorry!” I shout, receiving an angry look in response. I take a step towards him, watching him retreat. “I'm sorry about what happened. I promise it was a mistake that will not happen again”.

I was desperate.

Not only because Yugyeom made me forget about problems with his madness or because we had a secret in common, but because I needed him in a way I couldn’t explain. Maybe it was because of my ego or because I was alone.

Mark and Jackson had their own problems, their own lives and it was hard to get them to go out with me without a fight.

I was really lonely.

“Do you want me to kneel?”

I don’t wait for his answer, just kneel on the grass and put my hands together, rubbing them so Yugyeom understands how much I need him.

His brows drew together in a confused expression.

Yugyeom only let me get up when a lady complained about the youngsters not respecting people — also made me make a little finger promise that never again did anything stupid.

“How did you find that out?”

“I heard my parents talking.” I explain sitting beside him on the bench. “He has a son now. Seokjin has a son”.

“Shit”.

“Yeah. My mother said horrible things about it being unnatural for two men to raise a child together.” I laughed humorlessly, biting the tip of my nail. “Even worse was to hear her thank him for abandoning me, according to her I got rid of the embarrassment”.

“You weren’t abandoned”.

“I was.” I repeat with a sigh. “Seokjin dumped me because I didn’t dare say that I loved him, so he met someone and got married” say in frustration, rubbing my face. “And now he has a son”.

And although I don’t hear an answer, I know that Yugyeom understands why I needed him back. I was ruined and couldn’t just tell Jackson and Mark because they had survived all of this with me in the past. It wasn’t fair to make them live in hell again.

“He's an asshole”.

“What?”

“That's what you heard.” Kim Yugyeom sighs and sits on the bench again, looking up at the sky, probably looking for stars. “He's an asshole for acting like he didn’t know how hard it was and how much you loved him, and an asshole even greater for not having the courage to wait for you back then” he says seriously. “And your mother's a snake”.

“Yugyeom...”

“I am just telling the truth.” Yugyeom smiles shrilly. I knew that his favorite hobby was a mess with my mother. “Now that I've said that, let's get out of this ridiculous vibe and get a little drunk”.

“But what about Momo?”

Yugyeom grinds his teeth, lifting from the seat:

“I can pay her a beer for her other day”.

**[CURRENTLY; ITAEWON]**

“... is basically the ability of the material to withstand a force applied to it.” Yugyeom explains, gesturing with his hands, forcing me to try to understand him. “So the resistance of a material is given as a function of its manufacturing process…” I look at the screen, type another of his topics on Google. “Some names sought to perfect the resistance techniques of a material, such as da Vinci and Galileo”.

“Uhm”.

“Whoever was going to help me you’re very disinterested.” the black-haired boy frowns. “What's the problem?”

“Nothing. Just a little tired” I lie. “Keep explaining, please. Your final project will be about what?”

“Shells”.

“Shells?” I laughed. “Like mollusks shells?”

“Shells in general.” Yugyeom explains, looking for something in the briefcase on the bed. “Here, look at this model I drew.” take the paper from his hand, analyzing his drawings. He was good. “Shells serve to protect mollusks against difficult conditions, allowing them to withstand really violent impacts on the seabed. So some scientists designed this protection in mechanics, they literally incorporated the shapes of the shells and their structure to design vehicles safer to impacts. I want to design something based on these searches”.

The name "bivalve model" was written at the top of the page in well-organized calligraphy, sequencing a list of topics that didn’t make sense to me. I had no idea how it would turn out to be a safety car, but Yugyeom looked confident.

We ended up completing more than half of his work in the blink of an eye — Yugyeom even praised me for having helped him.

I was arranging the papers on the dresser when I decided to ask:

“What does the tattoo mean in your iliac?”

“How do you-”

“You came out in a towel. It was impossible not to see”.

Yugyeom nods.

“What does tarax-ta mean... How do you pronounce it? Is it Latin?!”

“It's the scientific dandelion’s name.” He laughs, getting to his knees, holding his sweatpants away from the tattoo on his hips bone. I take a closer look, seeing that the paint is already green. “It was one of the first ones I did”.

“Hy?” I question. “What's the meaning of the dandelion?”

"I really don’t know how to explain, I like dandelions.” he answers with a shrug, loosening his pants. “In the middle ages people consumed it as food, it is currently used as a medicine. But I don’t know why I just like them so much so a did this”.

“How old were you when you did it?”

“Sixteen? I think.” He yawns, pushing the notebook into the corner before he goes to bed. “A friend made it for me in Busan”.

“What was a sixteen-year-old boy doing in Busan? Aside from committing a crime while getting a tattoo, of course”.

“Visit my aunt”.

“A real aunt?” Yugyeom laughs. I didn’t want to talk about shells anymore because he wasn’t interested in shells. “The first one I did was in my abdomen. I was eighteen.” I point to the place where the drawing is, remembering instantly the first time Yugyeom saw it. He laughs, nodding. _Shit_. “What's yours with the roof?”

“Roof?” Yugyeom brows draw together in confusion. “Makeup?”

“Yeah” I say, sitting down beside him. “Your parents don’t seem to care. I've seen your mother passing foundation on them, and your dad lives tagging you on tattoo Instagram. So why do you cover them up?”

“Uhm…” Yugyeom mutters, drawing his lips forward in a beak. He used to dress so that his tattoos were hidden and always covered them with foundation. I had asked Bambam about that, but not even the Thai knew how to explain it to me. “It's personal.” he says, pushing his forefinger toward his forearm. It was another custom. Yugyeom always smoothed his forearm thoughtfully. I only understood why when I noticed the tattoo that clearly said, 'twenty-three dead'. It was the numbering of the dead of Yongsan School. “I don’t want to talk about it”.

I tighten my lips.

“Why not?” I ask with a smile, didn’t want to make him uncomfortable with it. “Are they gang tattoos?”

“What?”

“Gang tattoos.” I repeat, getting to my knees. “You were from a gang so you cannot show them, right? Tell me the truth”.

“Shut up!” Kim Yugyeom laughs at me. “You're such an idiot”.

I pop my tongue, poking at his waist, rebuking him for calling me an idiot. Yugyeom moves on the mattress so fast because of tickling that it is inevitable that we don’t fall to the floor when he weakly tries to push me away from him and ends up getting off balance.

The door opens before I can scream at the impact.

Jung Hoseok surprised eyes look at us:

“God. Are you two making out?”

 

  1. First law of thermodynamics. Data were taken from the site All Matter.
  2. ID, EGO AND SUPEREGO. Data were taken from the Psychoactive site.



 

 


	22. N I N E T E E N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Park Jinyoung's tight arms make me shut up and realize I was crying.
> 
> With sobs, I hide my face in the curve of his neck for a moment.
> 
> “It wasn’t your fault” I heard him whisper to me. “Mourning makes us act like crazy. You noticed this when you tried to warn the cops, but it wasn’t your fault that someone intercepted or that this crazy one is forcing you to continue in that game. He is to blame for these deaths, Kyungsoo and Jaebeom too…” Jinyoung says softly to me, moving away from my body, grabbing my face in his hands. “It wasn’t your fault”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking, are you okay? Is your life going well? How are the studies going? Friendships? Lovers? The heart? And is the family doing well? 
> 
> I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that all of you are well, healthy and that you are taking care of yourself and taking care of the people around you, because the most important thing is not just to live, but to live with all the good experiences that the times good and bad provide us, and having people around.
> 
> I hope that you stay with me until the end.
> 
> Thank you.

  
Just because things are different does not mean that something has changed.  
— Irene Peter.  
  


**[SIXTEEN HOURS BEFORE]**

Park Jinyoung's involuntary spasm over my skin makes me turn around in bed, desperate to get rid of that awful feeling. There were few things in the world that I hated, one of them is have someone give me tickle.

I stood on the mattress ready to push Jinyoung away from me as he grabbed my wrists and pulled me along, we roll down the bed and reaching the floor.

I raised my hand to my head, listening to the door and Hoseok's voice:

“God. Are you two making out?”

I had the slight impression that all our friends had misconceptions about the ‘friendship’ sense because any physical contact, however minimal, between Park Jinyoung and I made them think we were having some romantic relationship.

I roll my eyes.

“Yeah. We are!”

Jinyoung stares at me with wide eyes.

“He's the bottom.” I said, getting up. Hoseok raised his eyebrows in disbelief. _Unbelievable_. “Of course we aren’t you fucker!"

“For a moment I thought it was true…” Hoseok breathed a sigh of relief as he entered the room. “It would be like seeing two brothers fucking. It gives me even chills to imagine”.

“Ecw. Stop.” I interrupt him from starting a monologue. “What happened? You never come to my house. Why are you here?”

Hoseok opens his mouth.

“Jaebeom!” he screams. “Christ, I forgot for a moment”.

“What? What Jaebeom hyung want-”

“He had an accident!”

**[SIXTEEN HOURS LATER]**

“You look like a child.” I say, arranging his pillow. “How many people told you to look sideways before crossing the street when you were younger? I bet a lot of them you idiot”.

“Ya… really?” Jaebeom rolls his eyes. “That motorcycle came out of nowhere!”

“ _Ne, ne_ … it came to nowhere. Of course, this makes sense.” Bambam complains as he sits down in the armchair. “I bet you didn’t pay attention”.

“I did!”

"Of course, you pay so much attention that a driver runs over you and now you’re in a hospital bed.” I mess with him. “Makes sense, huh?”

Jaebeom rolls his eyes and explains once more how the accident had happened. He was leaving his class when he received an SMS from Youngjae. The redhead one insisted that he had looked sideways before crossing the street, where he was hit by a motorcycle.

He said that the driver stopped, but not to give him help.

“Why he throws a paper in you?" Bambam ask confused, analyzing the unknown handwriting. “What does that mean?”

“Don’t know”.

I clutched the fabric of the jeans I was wearing, listening quietly as they debated the possible meanings behind the red-scratched calligraphy. As they talked, I wished could take the paper because I had a doubt burning in the stomach that wouldn’t leave me.

And the sensation persisted for a long moment, until mrs. Lim came in screaming about Jaebeom needing to rest. Bambam and I said goodbye to him and left the room. I stopped for a moment.

 “Bambam?” I call his name. “I'll meet you in the parking lot, I really need to go to the bathroom”.

“Uhu”.

As soon as the elevator door closes, I pull my phone's out:

 **║** _The number you called isn’t available at the moment…_

“Jinyoung, it's me. I need you to call me as soon as possible!”

— ❖ —

My phone rings around 4:45 am, forcing me to get out of bed in a hurry to open the fucking door.

“Finally!” he snaps past thought me. “I was already thinking about screaming at your door” he says. “Why did you take so long?”

“I was sleeping.” I answer, following him into my kitchen, watching him open the refrigerator. “What are you doing here?”

“You called me a thousand times” Jinyoung replied, picking up a glass. “I thought it was something important”.

“And that's why you decided to come to my house at this time of the fucking dawn?”

“As I said, I thought it was important”.

“Yes, it is important but you could have called me back or sent me a message, you don’t have to come here this late, man.” I rub my eyes. He rolls his eyes and opens the first drawer. “That fucking habit, stop open everything like this is your house!”

He stares at me for a moment, scratching the tip of his nose.

Park Jinyoung looks slightly different. His eyes were too red, cheeks rosy, hair messy and his eyelids drooping.

_Fuck no._

“Are you high?” he smiles in a line. If Bambam wasn’t sleeping on the second floor I could yell at my mother so she could give Jinyoung a sermon now. “What the fuck was wrong with you those days?”

“Sorry”.

“Of course!” I replay, turning away. “I'll call to mrs. Hae sent someone to pick you up. You're not b-”

“Oops, Oops, oops!” Jinyoung giggles too loudly, making me turn on my heels to shut him. “My bad.” he smiles sarcastically, which makes his eyes even smaller. I sigh impatiently, saying that I need to get him out of that house before Bambam wakes up and sees him in that state. “I know I shouldn’t ask... but are you two making out?"

“What?”

“Bambam and you.” Jinyoung repeats leaning against the pillar. Are him for real now? “Have you two make out or… I don’t know, have sex?”

“Fuck idiot. Just shut up, I'm going to call mrs. Hae”.

“I thought you had something important to tell me!”

“I can tell you tomorrow” I say, picking up the phone. “when you are sober. Today you will not understand anything”.

“No, no, no. Tell me now.” Jinyoung demands, tearing the phone from my hand. I sigh impatiently, open my hand for him to return. “No”.

“Hyung, you're starting to take me out of the patient and I swear-”

Mom used to say things changed with time.

Sometimes I agreed with her.

People used to change over time, also feelings — some were abandoned, and others grew too much inside of us. Even I had changed over time because a lot had happened, and a lot had been learned.

Everything changed at some point, except for Park Jinyoung.

I pushed his hands away as I gripped his fists, pushing his whole body against the side of the door.

His scared eyes stare back at me, probably processing every small detail of our proximity. I clench my jaw, licking my lips before asking:

“Aren’t you tired of ruining everything?”

The fragile smile on his lips born from the corner of his mouth, slowly spreading, making me wonder how much he had used before appearing like that in my house.

“What did you want to tell me?”

I giggle without humor.

“You kiss me again and then act like you're not a complete asshole for that?” his smile dies for a moment. “Maybe I'm not the troublemaker one in this friendship, hyung. Have you ever stopped to think about it?”

“Yugyeom, I-”

“Are you sorry?” I sighed, letting go of his fist. “You always feel sorry and always make the same mistake” I remember, moving away. “Maybe that's why Seokjin is gone. He probably couldn’t bear to hear you apologize and always make the same mistakes”.

“Yugyeom...” Jinyoung purrs. “Say it isn’t fair”.

“Ask me to come back and kiss me sometime later is fair?”

He separates his lips to answer, but my mother's voice cuts us off:

“Why are you up at this time?” I raise my head in time to see her yawn before she really notices him there. “Jinyoung?”

“ _Eomeoni!_ ” he smiles uneasily, bending down to see her closer to him. I sigh away from the two of them while mom holds Jinyoung's face and looks at it completely. “What?”

“Are him high, _sweet pie_?”

I nod no. But she wasn’t dumb.

Mom helps Jinyoung sit down and serves him some tea.

“Can you take care of him for a moment?” I ask her, looking for mrs. Hae number. “I'll call someone to pick him up. Don’t let him make a noise, please” mom look at me. “Bambam cannot even dream that he came here at this hour. Make him shut up”.

— ❖ —

“... you don’t have to worry, the feeling is mutual.” I replay, rolling my eyes at her, past the door. I hear she say she was going to kick me out and laugh about it. “You'd love to have the power to do that, don’t you mrs. Choo? It's a shame that the house belongs to your son”.

“I'll call security, so let's see if I don’t have the authority to get you out of this house, brat!” mrs. Choo screams coming behind me, grabbing the hem of my shirt. “Stop right there”.

“Give me patient God...” I whisper through my teeth. “Get off of me!”

“Listen, if I don’t leave, I swear I'll call security”.

“Do it!” I shout angrily. “Call them. Let's see who will be kicked out of this house” I was acting instinctively but I knew I'd be the one who'd been kicked out. “Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a boyfriend to wake up with lots of kisses”.

“Your so-”

I knock the door, listening to her pound the wood.

If there was any good in my friendship with Jinyoung — besides all the expensive things we did — was to be able to make his mother grow with rage. Of course, I knew it was wrong to tease old people but it was inevitable, Choo Seulgi deserved some anger wrinkles in her face.

“Wake up!” I yell, pulling the covers. He doesn’t even move a muscle. I squeeze my tongue between my teeth. “Wake up Jinyoung”.

“Uhu”.

I clench my teeth.

“I told you to wake up your son of a bitch!”

 Park Jinyoung yells as he sits down on the bed, squeezing his eyes because of the brightness in the room — when he finally looks back at me, he has a pious expression on his face.

“I can see you remember last night.” I mock, sitting on the edge of the bed. “But I don’t want to talk about it so let’s move on”.

Jinyoung nods.

“Cool.” I said, look at him. “Jaebeom got a message”.

“What?”

“The hit-and-run accident? It wasn't really an accident, he was attacked. He received a note from the killer”.

Jinyoung's eyes widen.

“Yes.” I anticipate his question, taking the paper I had stolen from Jaebeom when went to visit him in the hospital. “He’s back”.

Jaebeom couldn’t recognize the handwriting but I did. It was the same on Kim Hansol's grandmother's grave. I knew this because I still had the picture on my phone and could compare the letter of the note.

Yongsan International School killer was back.

“One more among several...” Jinyoung reads again, with a deep sigh at the end. “What do you think it means?”

“That someone going to die?”

Jinyoung calls my name in the middle of a pious tone:

“It was not your fault”.

“Of course it was!” I reply, getting up. “Jaebeom thinks it was a hit-and-run thing, but we know it's not the truth. It has to do with me getting my nose where I shouldn’t…” Jinyoung sigh, deep. I run a hand around my neck. “First Kyungsoo was stabbed, now Jaebeom got hurt”.

“It wasn’t your fault!” Jinyoung repeats standing up. “Trying to understand what happened to you, what happened to all those people and to Taehyung... none of this was about hurting anyone. You’re just trying to heal yourself from his lost” he grabs my fists, making me stop walking. Jinyoung’s eyes look so comforting. “You couldn't guess you'd find this crazy person around everyone’s life”.

“But I should have done something when Kyungsoo told me that someone dangerous was watching me. It was my choice to continue doing these crazy things because I thought I owed it to Taehyung and-”

Park Jinyoung's tight arms make me shut up and realize I was crying.

With sobs, I hide my face in the curve of his neck for a moment.

“It wasn’t your fault” I heard him whisper to me. “Mourning makes us act like crazy. You noticed this when you tried to warn the cops, but it wasn’t your fault that someone intercepted or that this _crazy one_ is forcing you to continue in that game. _He_ is to blame for these deaths, Kyungsoo and Jaebeom too…” Jinyoung says softly to me, moving away from my body, grabbing my face in his hands. “It wasn’t your fault”.


	23. T W E N T Y

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hyung...” I call him, feeling the way my feet are forced to keep me standing while he pulls me. “Jinyoung hyung?”
> 
> Someone brushes my hair as I pass half of the nightclub. I frowned, confused at the direction we were taking until Jinyoung abruptly stopped and let go of my hand.
> 
> “Fuck. Are you cr-”
> 
> “I told him to wait outside.” I heard Jackson's voice even with loud music like that. I tilted my body to the side. He was standing next to a boy. “I'm sorry, I tried to make him quit”.
> 
> I looked at Jinyoung.
> 
> He was tense.
> 
> Already the boy next to Jackson looked scared although his smile was big in the face. I frowned, confused.
> 
> “Hi Jinyoungie…” dark eyes, bulky lips, beautiful skin, black hair, tall and clearly familiar. But how is he? “It's been a while”.

  
We all died. Our goal is not to live forever,   
it is to create something that is worth remembering.  
— Chuck Palahnik.

Contrary to what popular think, humans learn to pretend when they are still very young. The first contact with lies is when we pretend not to have done something wrong when we knew that we were guilty.

Like when I was little and pinched my younger cousin because I found him annoying. Mom always knew I was lying when I said I had no idea why the kid was crying.

 Then when we got a little bigger. An interesting example is Bambam. He used to stole candy’s from a candy shop in Jaebeom street and when the girl at the counter questioned him, Bambam said in a good tone ‘don’t be silly, of course, I paid for them’.

 Pre-adolescence came in third. By the age of thirteen or fourteen, we pretended to like attacking someone's life or we said we hated a girl when we had her name on our notebook.

At sixteen, the lies grew larger. We would tell our parents that we would sleep in a friend's house or use the irrefutable alibi ‘his father will be there’ when our mothers thought of forbidding us to go to a party that everyone knew would have alcohol.

So when we become adults we become professionals.

“Sometimes I think you like to mess with me” I replied, wiping the sweat from my face as soon as we stopped running. “I said I was sorry and wanted to go back to being like we were before, I told you what I told Jungkook and yet you say I'm lying”.

“I'm sorry if this ‘secret’ doesn’t make sense to me.” Bambam gasped for the seat. “You slept with Lisa's sister? This doesn’t look like something to be kept under lock and key Gyeom”.

“Are we talking about the same Lisa?” I ask dramatically. I was a pro at pretending. “Because as far as I can remember, she's the vengeful one who would rip my eyes out with a spoon if she found out that I was sleeping with her sister while we were _dating_!” It wasn’t the secret Jeon Jungkook knew. “Damn hyung, you have to understand that I couldn’t spread it and for my defense, you're not the best at keeping secrets, so I couldn’t risk it”.

“I'm not that bad at keeping secrets!"

“Oh really?” I arch my eyebrows. “So if you knew and Lisa upset you, somehow you swear you would not tell her?”

Bambam projects his lips.

“Okay. Maybe I told her because sometimes she deserves to suffer”.

I push his shoulders, sitting on the lawn.

“Look, I am sorry to have to tell Jungkook first. It wasn’t to upset you or to make you think I did not trust you, he just found it himself”.

“I kind of understand” Bambam admits at last. “You guys have been friends for years, and a silly misunderstanding has gone too long without a word. It is normal for you to have a secret with him”.

“Yeah.” I nod, watch his expression. “But hyung, I hope you know that Jungkook maybe my childhood friend, but you are my brother, nothing will overcome this”.

“Not even Taehyung?” I stop smiling. He couldn’t be fucking serious with me. “It’s okay Gyeom-ah” Bambam’s scandalous laughter makes me sigh relieved. It wasn’t fair to involve dead people. “I am just messing with you. I know it's different and I agree with the feeling”.

As adults, we grow up and pretend secrets to win friendships that make us good, because telling lies is the only way to keep them on our side.

The truth wasn’t always good.

— ❖ —

“It's been two weeks already” I say again under Diana. “But I am still waiting for a body to appear here”.

“Whoa, what a wish huh”.

“Shut up. It’s serious. Sometimes I think I am going to go crazy over this waiting shit, dude”.

"Would you rather the dead get piled up faster?"

“You understood what I meant!” I claim coming out from under the bike. He smiled, saying that he needed to see my reaction to that question. I am impatient. “Did I pass your test? Think I can live in society with my bad mind and my sudden reactions dr. Park?”

“I'll tell you at the end of the month.” Jinyoung answers without even a smile. “And how do you feel about Kyungsoo? I heard you went to see him”.

“I didn’t.” I lie in the first moments because it wasn’t something interesting to talk about. I sigh to see him hit the pen, it was like he told me he had all the time in the world. “I didn’t see him for real” I shrug, scribbling on the notepad the update of Diana's engine. “His mother didn’t let me in because Kyungsoo has medical restrictions."

“That's not what I asked you about. I want to know how you feel about him, not your experience when you are prevented from seeing him”.

“Well... what do you expect me to say about that? I have no idea how I should feel. He's still in a coma, doctors are doing their best” snort scratching the back of my neck. “But I don’t know how I should feel”.

I’d agreed to come back with the consultations because I really needed it. Park Jinyoung might not have a diploma but he was good with words and his teacher guided him to reciprocate my expectations.

I felt good after a session and I slept better when I could talk about what I was thinking — even because it was easy to tell the truth to someone who knew all my secrets.

I hear the garage door slam.

“Jinyoungie!” mom shouts. I nod to her, being ignored as I watch her hug Park Jinyoung. “How are you darling?”

“Fuck” I snapped my fingers, try to catch her attention. “She really doesn’t care about me when Jinyoung’s around… wonderful. Ignored by my own mother”.

I sit at the table and watch them with narrow eyes.

It was funny to see her so happy about him.

Mom used to be that way to Taehyung too. When he died, people told us that it would probably be difficult for my family to move on about his death — including her, who said Taehyung was her son.

It wasn’t that she went ahead to the point of forgetting him, sometimes I still hear her talk about Taehyung with dad but mom had overcome all the wounds and there was the guarded in a special corner in her heart so that she could adopt Jinyoung too.

He called her _eomeoni_ as if the word had been specially made to be used with her. That's when I learned how grateful Jinyoung was for me to let him know my parents. He needed her to calm his lonely heart.

She was the mother Jinyoung didn’t have.

“Okay, since I'm all alone here I am going to leave” I force a smile on both of them. “Let me know when you're going hyung. Mom-”

“Yes, yes, yes. I already know what you're going to say, don’t say anything that might embarrass you in the future. Now go, I want to talk to this cute guy alone!”

And they really talk... for hours.

“Jinyoung was telling me about today's session” mom says at the dinner table. He had been literally forced to dine with us. “I am glad you two got back to each other that way. He’s helping a lot, right?”

“It isn’t a big deal”.

“Of course it is!” mom replays with a smile. “Depression is a serious disease, my dear. We know that-”

“Sunyoung!” dad yells suddenly, scaring me. “Why are you bringing this up at such a time? For God’s sake”.

_Depression._

It had been so long since we had talked about it, something that was recurring at first. It had been the diagnosis given by Park Jinyoung's teacher — who agreed with the verdict.

It was hard for my mother to watch me deny what the papers said clearly because I didn’t feel depressed at the time. It was necessary that mr. Song came to my house to explain why people lived the depression differently.

Even more difficult was to accept the treatments he applied for Jinyoung because most were personal and social records. It took me some time to get used to the idea of having to express in words what I was feeling — mom was the only one happy about it.

“Oh course, just because I don’t spend twenty-four hours on the boy, it’s mean I don’t care about my own son!”

I drop the cutlery on the table

“Why you two still fighting about this shit?”

“Yugyeom” Jinyoung calls me, sneakily. “Please, don’t do this”.

“Do what?” I yell. “Stop this shit? I am depressed? Whoa!” I smirk at my mom's face. “Just get over that. Why we still talk about this shit? Mom, I know you care and you want to see me well, but if you didn’t notice I am getting better. You don’t have to keep talking about it all the fucking time’” I complain between a sigh. “And dad, you don’t have to try to protect me from mom’s big mouth, it's not like having depression was the worst thing in this fucking world, so stop it okay? Fucks sake”.

“Yugyeom-”

“I’m leaving.” I say interrupting her. “I have a date but I am going to sleep at Jaebeom” I lie, getting up. “I'll be back tomorrow”.

— ❖ —

“What’s this place?” he asks, getting off the bike. “When you said you were going to give me a ride, I thought you were going to drop me at home”.

“Do you want to go home? We can call an uber”.

“Ah. No. I don’t want to!” Jinyoung raises an eyebrow. “It's just that you said you had a date. Momo is waiting for you there?”

“Momo?” I nod no. “I just said what they wanted to hear” I tidy my hair before handing my ID. The man with a ‘security’ t-shirt looks at me as if you couldn’t recognize me in the picture. “What? I lost weight”.

“Come in”.

“What are we doing here?”

“I am going to get a new tattoo”.

“For real?” Jinyoung asks, shaking his head. “And you’re going to do it in a clandestine studio?”

“You have another way?” I ask back, wrinkling my brow. “I don’t have money to go to Gangnam, dude. And this is the better clandestine establishment okay. They are like super clean…”

Jinyoung wrinkles his nose as he looks around.

“Are you Kim Yugyeom?” the man with a shaved head and pretty tattoos ask, taking the cigarette out of his mouth. “Cool, you're on time dude. I'm going to need to close early today”.

“Nice.” I reply, indifferent, sitting where he commands. He asks me to explain my idea as Jinyoung walks around saying he recognizes some of the drawings. “It makes sense, that’s his studio after all”.

“Huh?” Jinyoung looks at us. The bald man smirked at him, and he projects his chin. “No fucking way! You are Choi Woojin?”

“It's my pleasure.” OOZY laughed, taking another cigarette out of the pack. He turns to me again. “Are you sure you're going to get on your feet?”

“Yeah”.

“I did one of these on a girl once” he tells me as he prepares the paint. “It was on her rib. But I remember that I found the phrase angry”.

The phrase was an adaptation of a book called Don’t kill the flowers by J. M. Simmel that mom used to read to me — and that I later got used to reading for Taehyung.

— ❖ —

At night, when we stopped at a place to eat before we really hit the road to the south from Hongdae — where we would meet our friends at the nightclub — couldn’t stop laughing at Jinyoung’s jokes about my tattoo.

_Don’t let them kill your flowers._

“I cannot explain the meaning to you” I shrug, then get off the motorcycle. “I think it's the same as the dandelion?”

“Stop doing it, I know you know the meaning!” Jinyoung protest hit my shoulder. “Just tell me. What does it mean to you?”

I laughed and didn’t say much, because I really don’t know about that tattoo too much. He looks at me, waiting.

“Don’t know… maybe it's about being strong? Mom always liked the book I took the quote from and I always found that phrase in question cool you know? Don’t letting anyone step on you or diminish you about something” I explain, putting the jacket back. “I mean, it's just about not being overwhelmed by anything”.

“Whoa!” Jinyoung grasp. “Who would say that Kim Yugyeom is a poetic too” he mocks. “Do you say things like that to girls too?”

“Always”.

Jinyoung laugh.

His eyes analyze me for a moment.

“You know, you never told me why you covered your tattoos”.

 _This again_.

“It's not something you need to know.” Before he could object, I quietly added. “It's personal.” I shrug my shoulders, trying to make it look silly, that way he can forget about this. But Jinyoung would never give up about something he want to know. “It’s nothing”.

“So tell me” he says again, stop me from a wake. I look to him, knowing that he’ll never give it up. I sigh. “Please? We’re friends, right? So ju-”

“When I lived in Namyangju-si something bad happened and people recognized me for only two reasons, Jinyoung. My father or my tattoos”.

“Oh”.

“Yeah. Oh.” I feel my muscles tighten with tension. I really didn’t like that subject. “It was difficult for everyone because of me, my parents couldn’t stand all those people mess with our family, even my friends had embarrassing situations because of me” I gritted my teeth at the realization of how troublesome I was. I've always caused confusion for people. “One day it ended up hurting my father at work and I decided to cover them up. I didn’t think they would recognize me easily without them so... this is the story. Are you satisfied now?”

Jinyoung opened his mouth, probably to say that he was sorry.

I was tired of his apologies.

“You're not in Namyangju-si anymore”.

It was true. I was no longer in Namyangju-si but it didn’t mean that people couldn’t find me. I was friends with one of the most influential people on Instagram.

Anyone could recognize me through one of Bambam’s photos.

“It's not simple when you have Kunpimook Bhuwakul Bambam as your friend, Jinyoung. His life is an open book and friends are included”.

“And anyone could find you on the internet…”

“Yeah. Anyone can find me” I sigh. “And I don’t want to have to see my parents going through embarrassing situations because of me again, the shit I am involved now is enough. They don’t need more trouble”.

Jinyoung nods, telling me that he feels sorry before gives me a smile and says we should forget about it and go in for a drink.

We found Yoongi and Hoseok as soon as we paid.

Unlike them, Youngjae was behind the bar, Jaebeom, Mark, Jackson, and Bambam hadn’t yet arrived.

“Gyeom?” Jinyoung calls me, pulling me by the arm. “Do you think Bambam will be here?” he asks. “Is he coming?”

“Yeah, I think so…”

“Do you know when?”

“Do I look like Bambam's watch? I don’t know!” I answer making Youngjae make me a drink. “He must be waiting for Jaebeom. They were together…” Jinyoung looks at me. “Why?”

“Because I want to dance”.

 “Go ahead!”

“With you…” Jinyoung completes next to my ear. I pull away with a grimace, signaling X with my arms. “Please!”

“Fucking hell no! I'm not going to dance with you, Park Jinyoung”.

“Why not?” he snorts at me. “It’s just a dance”.

“I say no”.

“Please?” Jinyoung protests holding me in place. I hear Jackson scream my name through the music and I try to get away from the black-haired man, who keeps holding me. “Yugyeom!”

“I don’t want to do that” I yell. “Don’t make me”.

“Why not? You dance with Bambam and Jaebeom”.

“It's different!” I say back, giggle. “They’ve been my friends for years”.

“You dance with Jackson too”.

“Have you ever tried to say no to Jackson Wang?” I snort impatiently, watching his lips fall in a straight line. Mom always said that I was mean to Jinyoung. Bambam too. I grit my teeth. “No. I’m not doing this”.

I scream, scaring a girl standing next to us when Jinyoung ignores all my resistance and pulls me away from the counter, forcing me to stop in front of him as he dances alone.

I cross my arms watching the strange way he moves.

Even in the matter of embarrassing me, Jinyoung reminded me of Taehyung. It was unbelievable. He seemed to have been made to take me sanity because everyone was looking at us thanks to his fucking movements — he definitely didn’t know how to dance.

I sigh incredulously at myself before stopping him.

“Don’t embarrass me!” I whisper, predicting the obvious. Jinyoung smiles from ear to ear. “And don’t make me punch you”.

I pull his shoulders bringing him to me.

I am not a shy person.

Unlike Jinyoung, it didn’t look like an ice pack when I moved but it was really weird to be so close to him.

“For God’s fucking sake…” I watched him move his hips. “You don’t know how to dance or move your body hyung. It's sad even to look”.

“Then teach me”.

The song changes quickly causing everyone around to move to their pace and giggle, making me wish I had Bambam or Jaebeom there to show Jinyoung how to really dance.

_I'm just a bachelor, I'm looking for a partner  
someone who knows how to ride without even falling off,_

I put my hands on my face as I listen to the lyrics.

People knew that this was a nightclub aimed at the exotic audience, so it was no surprise that everyone was involved in a peculiar way the lyrics.

Jinyoung looks at me without knowing what to do when I close my eyes, listen to the music, and feel the environment around us for a while.

  _gotta be compatible, takes me to my limits,  
girl when I freak you out  
I promise that you won't want to get off…_

“Just follow me” I command finally approaching him, putting his hands on my hips. I move with the music. “See? Can you feel the rhythm of my hip?”

Jinyoung nods wide-eyed.

“You're not going to give a gay panic, are you?” I ask, laughing at his confused expression. He denies haste and swallows his saliva. “Chill”.

I pull his hand in my back, turning inside his arms to make the situation simpler — or embarrassing — for him.

Around us, people gasped during the music, making an air of melodies as their bodies slowly rubbed. Dancing was about a delivery, so everyone was sweaty, and eyes closed because they were handed the letter and maybe Jinyoung’s body didn’t understand it.

It was what made me grab his hands and put them to the side of my hip before moving my body against him, forcing him to follow each movement slowly. At least he was a good student.

_If you're horny, let's do it, ride it, my pony,  
my saddle's, waiting, come and jump on it. _

I knew that this situation could be misinterpreted if any of our friends saw us, but the music, people, the light, the sweat... everything was so common that it made me forget that the one with me was Park Jinyoung.

I felt him breathe against the back of my neck before one of his arms wrapped around me and the other ran upward, holding me angrily by the shoulder, pulling me closer.

I close my eyes as I get carried away by the music, by the people, the way the nightclub looked small and claustrophobic — yet flashy and surprising. I can swear I feel Jinyoung's mouth open against the base of my neck, slowly scraping against my skin.

_If you're horny, let's do it…_

 Press my tongue against my dry lips before taking a deep breath and pulling my hair out of my forehead in the frustrated attempt to cool my skin. It was getting really stuffy.

“Hyung...” I call him, feeling the way my feet are forced to keep me standing while he pulls me. “Jinyoung hyung?”

Someone brushes my hair as I pass half of the nightclub. I frowned, confused at the direction we were taking until Jinyoung abruptly stopped and let go of my hand.

“Fuck. Are you cr-”

“I told him to wait outside.” I heard Jackson's voice even with loud music like that. I tilted my body to the side. He was standing next to a boy. “I'm sorry, I tried to make him quit”.

I looked at Jinyoung.

He was tense.

Already the boy next to Jackson looked scared although his smile was big in the face. I frowned, confused.

“Hi _Jinyoungie_ …” dark eyes, bulky lips, beautiful skin, black hair, tall and clearly familiar. But how is he? “It's been a while”.

 

 


End file.
